The Coffee Talk Companion: "The Lazy Ways of Summer."

Wethinks the Whelchel is messing with us. Much like last week, this week Lisa elected not to write a proper journal entry. Instead, she posted lyrics to a song written by her friends in honor of their annual California vacation. So lazy!



(Question: does God take morning devotions seriously when done on patio furniture and in close proximity to a tube of sunscreen?)

The good news? The song is a gem. AND there are oodles of photos. We'll give Lisa one more week to redeem herself. For now, let's begin, shall we?

The post is entitled "LifeNet Vacation" which leads us to believe this annual vacation is called LifeNet Vacation. It's already vaguely Christ-y and we haven't gotten to the body of the text! Ah, the passion of the Whelchel. We'll let her explain what's about to happen:

This week’s journal entry would be so much better served as a scrapbook layout.

We're 147% sure that's already in the works. Sorry...

The pictures really do tell the better story. If you’ve been joining me for these weekly “cups of coffee” for any length of time then you know that every summer we meet at Mandalay Beach in California with four other families to vacation. This has been a tradition for over ten years. And this tradition is full of traditions! It is so funny to see the kids, no matter how old and cool they get, cling to each and every tradition, unwilling to forsake even the smallest one.

This year, our friends, the Steadmans, wrote a special song to celebrate another year of making lifelong memories with lifetime friends. They pretty much summed it all up in this little diddy, so I’m simply going to post the song with tons of pictures for accompaniment.

Too bad we won't get piano accompaniment. We'd LOVES to hear how this song goes. You know, we're going to write our own music and have the song for you in the next The Blair Necessities podcast*. Awesome.

Oh, and from here on, the Steadmans will be referred to as the "Steadmen."

So, here's the Steadmen's vacation-themed ditty, entitled, as any good song about going somewhere where no one can tell you what to do should be, "Everybody Ought to Know."

Everybody Ought to Know

(Chorus)
Everybody ought to know
Everybody ought to know
Everybody ought to know
How Lifenet began

(repeat)

Are we sure Lisa didn't write this—it's so bossy! And we're so glad we know this is the chorus and that we're supposed to repeat it. Seriously, "(repeat)" is killing us.

Here's one of the pics that follows the chorus.



We're going to repeat.



We're not surprised at the amount of white clothing being featured at something called a LifeNet Vacation. But we are concerned about the amount of black clothing. Our only explanation is that it's all navy blue.

Verse One
Steadmans hosted on Sundays
Clarks and Mullens, Caubles too
Babes would nap and parents prayed
Then we all ate potluck food

OOOOOOH—how we HATE slant rhyme. Hate, hate, hate. Especially with a word as easy to rhyme as "too." Watch and learn, Steadmen:

Verse One
Steadmans hosted on Sundays
Clarks and Mullens, Caubles too
Babes would nap and parents prayed
Then we all went to the zoo

So what if it's not true? It's all about the rhyme. Especially as the two photos that follow this verse are of a cake...



and Lisa and her friends at a...wait for it...Starbucks.



No visual evidence of naps, potluck, babes, etc.. Clearly accuracy is not an issue.



Clearly.

Verse one, continued:

Church then can-celled our Lifenet
Mullens planned a trip to Man-da-lay
Clarks and Stead-mans joined them
Thus began our annual “Play”

Was there a "Get $1,000 Every Time You Hit the Hyphen Key" contest going on during the typing of this verse? Jesus. (Yes, we realize that's the most labored "joke" we've ever made. We had a rough weekend. Someone stole our latest Cat Fancy.)



Speaking of Jesus, did the Steadmen themselves take a separate fucking car? Jesus!

Second verse, same as the first: terrible.

Verse Two
Caubles joined the second year
Jove’s joined along the way
Mullens, Caubles moved to Texas
Now we’re spread out everywhere

Apparently even slant rhyming was too difficult, so rhyming was forsaken all together. Unless "everywhere" in Texas is pronounced "every-hay," which it may be. The only time we've been to Texas we covered our ears. And eyes.

Oh, look! It's daddy!



Phew. Safe on the ground. And looking as 37 78 55 as ever.

San Diego & Hawaii
Celebrating ten great years
Boardwalk, beach, and dinner picnics
We look forward to all year

Apparently even writing four lines was too difficult, so a three-line stanza was instituted. No wonder Lisa is friends with the Steadmen—it's a giant consortium of laziness. At this point we're going to have to renege on our promise to create music for this song. It would be an impossible task. No worries—we've already faxed it to space Bjork.

And yes, we realize we're not talking about anything actually contained in the verses, but we're also respectful enough to realize you're not retarded. Instead, enjoy Our Handsome Honey Tucker in a tank-top:



(Just so you know, Casey...shit...Justice was not present.)

Verse Three
Mandalay is where we’ll be
This is sure the life for me
Surf’en – Swim’en– pool and fun
Twenty-three kids on the run

We'll be here for hours if we began to talk about whatever's go'en on in this verse. We'll just say that even though we're back to four lines and a rhyme scheme was reinstituted (albeit a rhyme scheme inconsistent with the initial rhyme scheme), it's beginning to become clear that each verse is basically just a repetition of the lack of information in previous verses. Which makes us wonder if the Steadmen are smarter than we think—playing around with structure to distract us from the fact that they are telling us nothing whatsoever.

Nah, they're just lazy. Like Lisa. Lazy Lisa.



OK. It's fine to wear the tablecloth every so often. Lord knows we've done it after a long night of body shots off Lance Bass. But there comes a day when it's no longer appropriate to don the blouse Clancy made for you when she was four. Just say'en.

Carrying on...

Capistranos - Happy Hour
Twinkle Time and Parent Night
Flashlight hunts and Sunset Meals
More Somores & Sleepen’ overs

We'll just go ahead and assume this is the title of Fiona Apple's newest record and be done with it.

The next 4 million verses are just lists of names of the people who attended (no mention is made if it's voluntary or not) this LifeNet gathering. We'll just list our favorite names:

Statia

Fine. Favorite. It's unclear in the pics which one is Statia, unfortunately. We're guessing she's always the one standing still. (Sorry. GIVE US BACK OUR CAT FANCY!)

Lisa does provide us with these two photos:





We can't decide what we love more, Lisa's "funny" face or the helpful captions. Hmmm.

OK. We decided. It's the homoeroticism.

Verse Six
I’m in Lifenet – how ‘bout you?
Do you do the things we do?
We sang our song and took you through
Now you know this Lifenet too

No, we're not in LifeNet. Our invitiation must've gotten lost in the mail. Thanks for rubbing it in, Steadmen. Let's just say, Steadmen, not to expect to be mentioned in the song about our upcoming 52-week-long VodkaNet.

Now this song will finally end

Thanks god.

Now just join in with a friend
Everybody ought to know (repeat)
How our Life-net began
(how our Life-net began)!

We're pretty sure we've alienated all our friends thanks to this post, so, unfortunately, we won't be joining in with a friend. There is one photo, however, that nicely sums up how we feel about knowing how LifeNet began:



OK, Lisa, you have one more week to prove to us you're still in this for the long haul. No more linking to other blogs. No more songs by Steadmen. We want the real stuff, lady. Otherwise, we're letting loose the dogs of summer...



You take too much of the good, you're gonna have to take a little of the bad...

Have a good week.

*Obviously we're kidding. Isn't it enough we spent 17 years of our life learning to play the piano? We don't have any capacity left for learning how to create a podcast. That said, if someone would like to set one up for us, we'll be happy to participate.

Lisa on...Ungratefulness.

Today's post deals with a topic we're all familiar with because we all have parents. It's "ungratefulness." Let's see what's going on. The letter to Lisa is in boldface, while her answer is in italics. Our completely hilarious and surprisingly well crafted commentary is in regular typeface.



Recently I spent an entire day treating my six-year-old son to a trip to the museum, the park, and the ice-cream shop. When we stopped to purchase a Christmas present for my nephew, my son demanded I buy him a new toy. When I refused, he threw a tantrum! For all I did for him, I got complaints. How do I teach him to be more grateful?

I don’t have an easy answer to this question.

We're beginning to sense a pattern with these.

When I was young, my parents would answer my whining with, “I’m sorry, honey, but we just can’t afford it.” I knew that was true and a temper tantrum wouldn’t change anything.

Lisa was the perfect child, of course. But what about...

?

BAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

These days most families can afford little luxuries. Our children see us buying wants instead of needs, and they want a piece of the pie.

Or do they need a piece of the pie, Lisa?

Our kids get so much they begin to expect it. Then the one time we don’t give something to them, they get angry because they feel it’s their right to have it.

"Our kids get so much they begin to expect it" is a relative statement. Wouldn't you say so, Leese? It's really only true if the parent or parents is giving the kid so much. If the parent has established guidelines (like, No you can't watch TV until your homework is done, or, No, you can't pray to Jesus until you finish your apostle-shaped pancakes), then the kid is going to realize what boundaries are and probably not throw a tantrum when he/she does not get what he/she wants. Children like boundaries. It gives them a sense of security and structure. Unless, of course, the child is mentally unstable. In which case he/she should be taken to a national park and left at a scenic overlook.

In the long run, it may be more loving to tell your child “no” even when it’s within your power to say “yes.”

Duh. See above.

Here’s a silly, personal example.

Yay! Silly!

When I had toddlers, we rarely bought Happy Meals, but not because we were health-conscious or because we didn’t want to be caught in the drive-thru lane.

Just to note: "Happy Meals" and "drive-thru" in one sentence. Like manna from heaven.

Instead, I bought them each a hamburger, and they split an order of fries and a soft drink. It was plenty for my toddlers, and they didn’t complain.

Of course they didn't. They were eating a carefully researched combination of chemicals and fat. Perfect for toddlers, by the way.

So on the special occasions when they did get the “whole enchilada,” complete with toy (at the fast-food Mexican restaurants, of course!)...

Of course.

...they were extremely grateful. Their gratitude was an automatic response to getting something they didn’t expect.

It’s difficult to say “no” to our children when we love them so much and enjoy pleasing them. But stick to your guns. Perhaps it boils down to telling your child “no” more often.

Yes, and also feed them more than fast food. Eh. Too late. Tucker, come to NYC. We'll introduce you to food that takes longer than the red light turning to the green light to cook. As you for you, Lisa, why not just say to this woman: "Look, if you take a six-year-old to the park, the museum and the ice cream shop and then ultimately buy his cousin a gift when it's clear that the son deserves a gift for spending the entire day with someone pathetic enough to write me a letter to ask for a solution to what's really a very simple problem, of course he's going to pitch a fit. Come on."?

When Daddy Fell Off the Roof.

To compensate for Lisa's transgressions this week (see previous post), we decided to go snooping around her site for something else to discuss. We found it!

Please enjoy this series from Lisa's scrapbook from 2000:



Needless to say, "When Daddy Fell Off the Roof" had us falling off our chair. And we're guessing the posting of this little scrapbook series is what may have caused daddy to ask mommy not to include him in any of her subsequent journal entries.

Ergo, the captions on these pages are quite hard to read, but we're going to try to piece the events together for you. You're welcome.

The above page features the reason for daddy falling off the roof: Christmas lights. One would imagine that this would be enough for Lisa to realize how dangerous being a Christian can be. Alas, no. We come to find out that Lisa was actually at a...wait for it...scrapbooking retreat when this happened (how very meta!). She rushed home and managed to snap these pics as daddy was on the ground and being treated by what looks like the entire state of Texas's fire and medical teams. In true Whelchel fashion, Lisa saw this as an opportunity for future scrapbooking glory rather than (correctly) as the impetus to renounce Christianity. She even let the poor kids watch. The upside of all this, however, is that we get a few more pages of daddy-falling-off-the-roof-related scrapbook. Hallelujah!



Sorry. We are honestly totally LOL-ing right now. Daddy in the hospital bed and the broken-heart-with-Band-Aid sticker are too much.

OK. Above those photos appears to be some kind of poem. Thankfully we can't read it. All we can make out is "(Thank you, Jesus)." Perhaps the parenthesizing of this phrase illustrates a bit of doubt in Lisa's mind regarding Jesus? Perhaps this is evidence of her realizing that Jesus was to blame for daddy's terrible fall? Could Lisa have had a tiny chink in her armor? (Come on, people, stop making "tiny chink" jokes in your heads. That's our job!) Surely if we could read the rest of the poem, we might have some better clue. Eh, we'll just blame Lisa for not making the poem big enough and call it a draw.



First of all, let us discuss the sticker in the top right corner of this page. Is it a baby turkey? A giant underdeveloped hand? Basket Case? It's kind of upsetting, whatever it is. Though not as upsetting as the photos on this page. What we've gleaned from them is that daddy broke a leg and an arm in the fall. Oy. Still, daddy seems in good spirits throughout the ordeal. Clearly Lisa had not yet begun her Web site—you know, the one where she would eventually put her entire life on display for the world. We don't think daddy would have been smiling nearly as much had he known "When Daddy Fell Off the Roof" would become a freely traded commodity. We are, however, glad he did get to work as the hospital sportscaster, as evidenced by the page's last photo.



Wow. We love our eyes. They work just long enough to allow us to read phrases like, oh, this one:

"Tucker celebrated his tenth birthday in the hospital cafeteria."

It's so interesting to see the pieces all fit together. Like what Star Wars could have been if George Lucas had allowed a homeschool advocate to write it.

The rest we won't can't make out. Looks like flowers and daddy's eventual transition from stationary Steve to scootin' Steve. Good for him.



BLARGH!!!!!!!! Lisa, come on! Poor daddy surely does not want the whole world looking at him taking a sit-down shower and with two different-sized legs! The Jazzy pic's humiliating enough. You know, the fact that mommy and daddy are still married after mommy posted these pics on the Web really shows us firsthand how born-agains feel about divorce.

Also, why does daddy look 30 in some pics and 70 in others?



This is the final page, and none too soon! What started out as a hilarious diversion for us kind of became, well, shiver-inducing. We are happy to see that Lisa saw fit to include a pic of Martha Graham in the top left corner of this final page. There's really no better a symbol of free movement than the grande dame of modern dance. Of course, the moment daddy got home, mommy had him organizing crap for one of her Foursquare conventions. Jeez, Lisa, weren't you aware of what happened? You made it sort of clear for us. Daddy was putting up lights for Christ when he fell and broke an arm and a leg. He stayed in the hospital long enough for your son to have to celebrate his birthday there. Then he was in a wheelchair and a Jazzy, not to mention two casts. And, yet, when he comes home, you have him right back serving Christ, the man who caused the fall off the roof in the first place.

We know you're forgiving, Lisa, but did you learn nothing from the day...
?

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Overlooking the Necessities."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Folks, we have some disturbing news. Well, Lisa has some disturbing news. We're just the messenger...

I am, right this minute, sitting outside my hotel room, overlooking the ocean – in a sweatshirt! – and it is 70-something degrees. Yes, feel free to hate me for a moment. We are on our annual Five-Family-Vacation in California. There are 10 adults, 14 teenagers, 9 kids and one baby. I’ll write and tell you all about it next week but I’ve chosen to actually take a vacation this week so I’m going to pick up the book I’m reading again instead of writing a journal entry.

No, the disturbing news isn't that apparently the ocean is wearing a sweatshirt. It's that Lisa's on vacation this week. And for that, we do, in fact, feel free to hate her for a moment.

Don’t despair, I’m posting one of my friend, Sarah’s latest blogs.

Oh, Jesus. (We're talking about the commas.)

BTW, this sweet little blog has been nominated for a “Blogs of Beauty” award in the Motherhood category. I’ll keep you posted on how you can cast your vote for her honest and delightful, “In The Midst of It” blog as soon as I get all of the details.

Oh, Jesus. (We're talking about the comma again, BTW. And, OK, the fact that Lisa gives us no context for whatever award she's talking about.)

After you’ve read this entry, if you can sneak a few more minutes on the computer, surf on over to Sarah’s official blog site at

http://www.inthemidstofit.blogspot.com/

Oops, I better hurry up and read a couple more chapters before my afternoon nap.

Blessings,
Lisa

Well, if there's one thing Lisa's taught us, it's to fight hellfire with hellfire. So let us waste no time in pointing out to dear Lisa that laziness, is, in fact, one of the seven deadly sins. Proverbs 6 deals with it in detail. Allow us, if you will, to quote from said verse:

How long, you sluggard, will you lie there? When will you rise from your sleep? —Proverbs 6:6

We telexed this excerpt to a Biblical expert at Oral Roberts University to understand its true meaning. The response we received was this:

Dear sir,

Thank you for your interest in Oral Roberts University. Please visit www.oru.edu for a complete overview of the university including admissions information. We look forward to hearing from you soon.



It's not the interpretation we expected, so we'll go ahead and try to spell it out for you. In this case, Proverbs 6:6 seems to say, "Lisa, you lazy fool, when are you planning to wake up to write a new Coffee Talk entry? God's kinda bored. And so are we. And where's Casey? Sorry...

? BAH HA HA HA HA HA!"

See? The Bible's mad, Lisa. It doesn't want you to nap. It wants you to wake up and work. It called you a sluggard. Are you a sluggard, Lisa? Well? Is this the example you want to set for your kids and for us? Because if it is, 1.) you should be deeply ashamed of your willing slovenliness and 2.) sorry, we already have such a role model:



Lisa, step away from the ocean, and get to work. NOW.

Anyhoots, do us a huge favor, people—don't visit Sarah's blog. It has flowers on it and this sentence: "We're meeting with the heart surgeon to schedule our daughter's open-heart surgery." Instead, use this time to reflect on the choices Lisa's made, mostly to use the Bible when it suits her and to ignore it when it doesn't.

To make up for Lisa's sluggardness, we're preparing another post. See, we'd never lapse in our devotion to marginally entertain you. We think Lisa could learn a valuable lesson from us here. Right now we have five real jobs, yet we still have the time to post. She has one fake job and feels the need to take some time off from a WEEKLY post. Pshame. God, we hope you're paying attention to this oversight and will act accordingly.

Lisa's July E-letter.

We received Lisa's exclusive July e-letter yesterday. Here's her main message in one delicious bite:

I love summer! I love the opportunities it brings. Camps, long, lazy days, family vacations, and afternoons for cleaning out the garage and closets. Summer is the busiest time and the slowest time of the year for our family. I like that. My children have attended quite a few different church camps this summer, either as campers or counselors. While they are busy, I've been busy writing my new Scrapbook Bible Study. Then there are days when we all sleep in, scrounge around in the fridge for food, tackle a summer project and then lay around on the Lazyboy couch watching the last season of "24" together. (All indoors, of course, since it is July in Texas!) I sure hope you are finding a handful of days to get those summer projects finished and even more days doing absolutely nothing.



We love summer, too, Lisa. More, we love this letter. Following Lisa's lead of keeping it simple, we'll tell you why:

1.) More with the children going to camps, camps, camps. Frankly, she's beginning to sound a little like Hitler to us. Kidding! Sheesh. We know Lisa loves her kids.

2.) Scrapbook Bible Study. Only Lisa Whelchel can so successfully put three of our least favorite words together to form one giant-mega-super word bomb. It is truly astonishing.

3.) Lazyboy. Cheers for the very Whelchelistic brand-name mention. Jeers for the misspelling. Lisa, if you can spell "Chick-fil-A," we expect you to know how to spell "La-Z-Boy."

4.) 24????? That's a violent show, Lisa. Nothing like what we'd expect you to be showing the kids. You know, there was this one show back in the '80s. It had this theme song that began "You take the good, you take the bad..." We think that would be a much more appropriate show for children. We watched that show, and look at us! Gay, atheistic and 5'4". Quite the mensch if we do say so ourselves.

There's more to her e-letter, but it has to do with "What God Is Teaching Me." If Lisa Whelchel's God has taught us anything, it's not to pay attention to her when she talks about what God is teaching her. There's also some recommendations, one of her books in Spanish, some lecture dates, etc. In other words letter, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

However, we'd be loath to just leave you on such an anticlimactic note. So, please enjoy this link to Lisa's scrapbooking page. She's just added her 1994–1995 scrapbook, and it's a doozy. Well, the first 10 pages are. The pills kicked in after that, and we were forced to take a raincheck on the rest.



Have a good weekend, friends. We'll be back next week with a new Coffee Talk Companion.

Lisa on...Homosexuality.

In the Parents section of her Web site, Lisa responds to letters submitted by readers seeking her wisdom on certain topics. On this site, The BN, we'll occasionally impart our wisdom on the topics Lisa has chosen to address. For our first such endeavor, we have chosen, obviously, the controversial topic of homosexuality.



Here's how Lisa's response begins:

This original question was from a mom who wrote to me and was concerned that her son might be struggling with homosexuality. In my original answer, among other comments, I expressed my belief that, if a person desires, it is possible to leave behind a homosexual lifestyle. I know this is true because I’ve seen it come true in the lives of many of my friends. Thousands have been helped, loved, and supported by websites such as www.exodus.to and the many ministries they recommend.

This does and does not surprise us. All at once (our therapist says it's OK to feel more than one emotion simultaneously, and we think it's very brave of us to allow it here). Does, because we don't believe someone as fanatically devoted to Christianity as Lisa Whelchel is would give any pass to homosexuality. Doesn't, because she knows the only people who watched The Facts of Life were girls and fags. If she were truthful about this topic, she'd see half her already shaky fan base disappear. And we'd be meaner. Especially to Clancy. She knows better.

She continues...

Believe me; I didn’t dare answer this question without tons of research and even more prayer. Even so, I soon discovered that in attempting to answer her question in 300 words or less, I believe I may have done more harm than good.

Tons of research, eh? OK, we're now convinced her unnamed temptation in her July 7 journal entry was definitely the "L" word. Or, The L Word. Either.

I’m not afraid of confrontation and I’ve tried to live my life standing up for what I believe. The Bible tells us that we shouldn’t be surprised when we are persecuted for our beliefs. If people aren’t saying mean things about us then we probably aren’t being “salty” enough to make a difference in this world and are good for nothing. (Matthew 5:11-12 ESV)

True or not true, Lisa? Again, we don't totally believe she's being truthful here. We think she's being "nice." And we hate "nice." If you're not afraid of confrontation, Leese, then stand up for what you believe in. Which we're assuming is rounding up all the gays and sending them to an island. Thing is, Lisa, we already have a few of those. We like islands.

Oh, and did Matthew, in the Bible, really say "salty"? Probably not, right? So why is she citing specific verse when it seems she's paraphrasing? Is that mysterious "ESV" short for "Extremely Shortsighted Version"? And how do we even know she's telling the truth about this verse after so many lies, lies, lies? The truth is, because we're not afraid of the truth, we don't.

Despite this fact, it bothered me deeply to feel like I was closing a door of opportunity to show God’s love and mercy to a community that often only hears judgment. After much prayer and soul-searching I’ve chosen to delete my original answer to the question on homosexuality. Not because I’m backing away from my convictions, but because I don’t believe my brief answer could ever adequately address the complexities of homosexuality or the depth of God’s love for homosexuals. Thanks for understanding.

Finally. Some truth. That truth being: she not gonna tell us the truth about how she feels about homosexuality. Thanks for understanding.


ADDENDUM:
Helpful reader CTB left this comment:

thanks to the wonders of Google, we can now read what she thought she removed ... the 1st version of her post! Remeber nothing disapears on the net - ever! Bless you, Google cache, for saving this quote:

"Fortunately, a healing substitute often can be found in a strong father figure. If not, some young men attempt to “cannibalize” other men through homosexual actions to fill that void."

Duh! How could we have overlooked the wonders of Internet archiving?!? (Our only excuse is that we've been busy with this.) So, please do enjoy Lisa's initial response to this homosexuality-related question. Where else will you find a quote like this?

The father holds the key to affirming a boy’s manhood. Without that blessing, a gaping hole is left in a young man’s life.

You ain't kiddin'.

The Coffee Talk Companion: "And Justice for All."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Want to hear the most exciting paragraph of July thus far?

It has been awhile since I simply filled you in on the little things happening in the Cauble family. I've also been collecting a lot of pictures that I've been wanting to post but they just didn't seem to fit anywhere in particular. So, let's catch up.

Yes. Please. Let's.

Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Clancy...


At the end of the school year, Clancy was in a satirical play and she had the role of "Norma Despond."

"Satirical play" + "Norma Despond" = What had to have been utter hi-larity.

She was hysterical and is completed infected with the acting bug now.

"Completed" + "infected" = definite hi-larity.

Perhaps Lisa was in a bit of a rush this week, what with the previous example and Clancy's photo caption reading "Norma Desmond" rather than "Norma Despond." Either that, or Lisa doesn't like talking about her family nearly as much as she enjoys talking about her God. Yeah, that's it.

Next?

Tucker has had the privilege of being an assistant guitar tech to a wonderful worship leader, Tommy Walker. He wrote the song, "He Knows My Name" among others. Tucker traveled with him on a couple of his worship seminar dates. Now Tucker is on tour as an assistant guitar tech/roadie/little buddy for "The Newsboys." So, as you can imagine, he thinks the rapture already occurred and he's enjoying heaven.

The Newsboys, eh? Oh, Jesus. No, really. Jesus. And obviously we're trying to get that "little buddy" image out of our mind. Lisa!

Anychrist, it looks like Tucker's a lost cause. Unless! Maybe he's trying to bring it all down from the inside. Yes, that is what we choose to believe. We are pro-choice, after all. Right, Tucker? Right? Wink wink?

Haven and Clancy have either attended or been counselors in a handful of camps this summer. Clancy even got to use her love for drama to perform the illustrated message each night for the kids' camp this year. It is so fun to see her blossom. Right now, she is in Peru on a missions' trip with Focus on the Family where she is especially enjoying the street drama evangelism.

Clearly we have no idea what the fuck any of that prattle is about. We do, however, recognize a few familiar words: Focus on the Family. It's an organization dedicated to spreading homophobic, "pro-life," anti-divorce propaganda. Anyone who would let her child be part of such a group is cleary not interested in her or any family, as we suspected above.

Here's the world's tiniest photo of Clancy and friends ruining Peru. Or, as we like to call it, Peruining.



During the summer break we have also been able to find time for a few "day camps." Haven, and her friend, Emily, took sewing classes for a week. Clancy, and her friend, Madison, went to a "scrapbook camp." I'm so excited because now I can pull out my old sewing machine and serger for Haven to use and Clancy can go with me on the occasional scrapbook retreat!

Well, at least we know that the JoAnn's in East Texas aren't in any danger of going out of business soon. Oh, and for those of you who don't know what a serger is, this is a serger...



We don't know what it does, but we're going to make an educated guess that it was responsible for breaking the Da Vinci Code.

And how many fuckin' camps does Texas have? Sheesh. Clearly this is just another example of Lisa getting the kids out of the house because she doesn't like them very much. Notice how Clancy will only be asked on the "occasional" scrapbooking retreat.

Ah, yes. Sealing the deal, a mere six paragraphs into this week's Coffee Talk entry, ostensibly about her family, Lisa kicks into her much more comfortable "me" mode:

One of the highlights of the summer for me was attending the Southern Baptist Convention for an appearance and book signing along with most of the other LifeWay authors. I admire each of these women so very much and it was a privilege to enjoy a "slumber party" at a beautiful bed and breakfast with plenty of food and laughter - two of my favorite things.



Yeah, we're sure a "slumber party" with these gals was a real hoot. And what's a sister doing there??? Girl, if you can see your reflection in 94% of the party's hair, you're in the wrong place.

OK, it's about to get really good. Well, good.

Of course, the summer has also been full of interviews and speaking engagements. I had the opportunity to meet a fellow Texan, Lou Diamond Phillips, when I made a guest appearance on "Good Morning, Texas" while promoting my latest book, "Taking Care of the 'Me' in Mommy."

We hesitate to share the photo right now, as we'd ideally like you to be surprised when you receive our Christmas card. But we can't wait...


It doesn't get much more celebcraptastic than that. And did Lisa and the curtains call each other beforehand to coordinate? And we're also gla...

Um.

Hm.

OK. There's more to that, but we just read something so alarming in the next paragraph that we have to address it immediately. It's that important.

If you thought the Lou Diamond Phillips business was good (and we did—who doesn't like a little LDP?), you'd better sit down.

Ready?

No, really.

O-K:

The Fourth of July holiday was so fun and relaxing. My brother, Casey, (although, now that he is married he wants to go by his first name, Justice, so I have to start making that adjustment)...

...

...

...

...

OK. We're honestly going to step away from the computer right now, maybe go get some sun, think about the choices we've made and return when we're ready to deal with this.



We're back.

Yes.

"JUSTICE"???????????????????????????????????????????

1.) Surely Lisa's again in "I hate talking about the family when there's so much Christ to go around" mode and meant to type "Justin." Surely. SURELY.

2.) If by some miniscule chance the above is not true (and we can't believe it isn't), ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND, CASEY?

3.) CASEY???????

4.) Who the fuck names their baby BOY, "Justice"? This looks like a woman to us...



4b.) Yeah, we know: the same people who spawned Lisa Whelchel.

OK. So, right now we kind of feel like we have to go back and retool this CTC post solely to cover this one bombshell because we are totally that floored. Unfortunately we're not getting paid by the hour. Or at all. So we're going to leave it as is. But, please, please, please understand that we really aren't taking this lightly. Honestly. How can we be expected to refer to this...



...as "Justice"?

We cannot. And, much more importantly, how can we make fun of someone named "Justice" when he looks like this?



We cannot.

Eh, fine, we can. But it's going to be rilly hard. Right...

?

Bah ha ha ha ha!

In all seriousness, folks, as much as we're disturbed by the above information (it's truly life-changing for this Casey enthusiast), we have to move on. Otherwise we could be here forever. Could you imagine?

So...

Lisa finally puts us out of our misery by finishing her family post with more Christian crap she did, followed by this...

Well, that just about brings us up to date.

"Us"??? No detailed mention of the husband, Steve (though we're guessing he smartly put the kibosh on his being included in these rants) plus a passing, totally confusing mention of the kids, all broken up by 12 Christmillion paragraphs about her, makes us think that "I" would be an infinitely more appropriate pronoun here.

Hopefully, I'll have some more pictures from Clancy and Tucker's trips to post in the future.

Filler.

I'm sitting here in the Des Moines airport attempting to go standby in order to get home a bit earlier than expected. We leave on our family vacation in a couple of days so I really do need to get home and get caught up on the laundry.

Well, we can't WAIT to hear about the family vacation, about which we're obviously wondering if any of the family is actually invited. Including...



BAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Finally...

I hope your summer is fun and fulfilling and relaxing and, somehow, not speeding by quite as quickly as mine feels. Although, I'm guessing you are probably feeling the same way I am about now. I love the summer and don't want it to end, but I'm beginning to feel the yearning for a schedule and for things to settle into a groove again. Until next week…

We'll be waiting with baited breath. Mostly because we'll be trying to kill ourselves.

We're glad you're here.

"Friendships are strengthened by regular communication. So, come on in, friend." –Lisa Whelchel

If you have found this site, you have most likely come from our other site, Nervous Breakdown, or you've made a terrible mistake. Either way, we're glad you're here. A few introductory words, then, in list form, from The NB, your Blair Necessities editor:

1.) Because The Coffee Talk Companion, our ongoing feature at Nervous Breakdown, was so popular massive, we have decided to create a specific platform for it in order to get us more attention make it easier for you to enjoy past and present Whelchel-centric posts.

2.) Lisa Whelchel's Web site is a virtual gold mine waiting to be explored and exploited. Apart from her weekly Coffee Talk updates, she gives advice, answers questions, posts transcripts of chats from 2002, etc. We plan to cover such additional musings here, as well. To turn Nervous Breakdown into an even more Whelchel-centric forum would not be fair to the NB's many reader.

3.) However, we do not purport to be Lisa Whelchel experts by any means. We did watch and enjoy The Facts of Life, but Blair was not our favorite (Jo was, believe it or not). We know as much about Lisa Whelchel as one can glean from her site. Our goal is not to be a Lisa Whelchel fan site. It is to bring you the mature Lisa Whelchel's thoughts, ideas, loves, hates in relatively easy-to-digest nuggets. Or, as she would say, McNuggets.

Alas, we hope you enjoy this, The Blair Necessities. We will not be posting every day, but we will do our best to keep up to date at least with the Coffee Talk Companion. And, yes, we realize all this is unsolicited, so if you do not approve, please turn your attention elsewhere. Otherwise, prepare to become a stronger, healthier, more enlightened human. Lisa would want it that way.

Yours,
The NB
Editor, the BN

Oh, and bookmark this site because typing "www.theblairnecessities.blogspot.com" more than once is likely to drive you to drink. And we can assume how Lisa feels about driving and drinking.

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Mysterious Sin."

Originally posted July 11, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.



This week's Coffee Talk entry begins more ominously than perhaps any other we've had the unsolicited pleasure of summarizing:

In celebration of the Fourth of July holiday, I thought I’d share a personal story of freedom.

Oh, god, you're killing us already, lady!!! Please, make it sto...

I was recently tempted in an area that I thought was behind me.

Wha? Without the use of the Bible (unabridged or Readers' Digest version), she has instantly redeemed herself. Now, what could she be talking about? Our first three thoughts, in this order, were 1.) drugs, 2.) lesbianism and 3.) well, we really only had those two thoughts.

It started with a dream. I woke up the next morning and said to myself, "Where did that come from?" I knew it came straight from hell but I was surprised that my subconscious let it get through to my dream life.

Speaking of straight from hell, this entry has gone in record time from terrible to terribly intriguing to no one gives a shit about anyone else's dreams. Still, what could she be talking about?

From that point on, old feelings began to resurface in an area that I had been successful at subduing for years. I didn't want the feelings but they grew stronger and stronger. I could look at them objectively and see the lie and reject the promptings but the compulsion was so strong. I began to contemplate ways to give in a little to the temptation without actually "sinning." One idea, in particular, seemed perfect. On the outside it looked perfectly innocent but I knew on the inside it was a step down a path that would only lead to trouble.

OK. Another turn for the better, but we're afraid that because this is Lisa Whelchel's online journal, the sin she is hinting at is something like eating chocolate for breakfast or going on another silent retreat with a dog. (Oh, and by the by, as we write this, we have not read far enough to know what she is talking about, so we're just as thrilled mildly compelled as you are.) Let's see...

The next morning, while doing my Bible study, the topic was on obedience. In the response area, the author wrote, "Is there anything - even the tiniest thing - that you know God is asking of you, and yet you've hesitated?" I knew there wasn't any outright disobedience that I was aware of in my life but I also knew I was planning a step in the wrong direction. I prayed for strength to resist and then I wrote the following prayer in my journal.

Oh, God. So, wake us when this is over, eh? Unless you're sleeping, too, which we have to imagine you would be after getting used to prayers that begin like this...

Dear Lord, thank You for this struggle of obedience I am facing. Thank You for giving me an opportunity to choose You over myself. I resolve in my heart to obey You and resist temptation.



Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Seriously, Lisa, cut to the chase. God's busy, and the blade is mere centimeters away from our wrist.

I will not _________ (do the thing I was planning to do.)

Um, _________?

_________...

Yeah. The disappointment is palpable. No, not the disappointment over the incorrectly placed, en-suite period. It's that we get it now. She's not ever going to tell us what horrible evil tempted her. That would be too exciting, and we all should know " cause excitement" is about 723rd on the Coffee Talk list of goals. It follows "defend abortion."

The mad lib is followed by more of this...

Be my Defender and my Deliverer. You are able to deliver the godly from temptation.

...and this...

Give me strength and mercy when I am weak. Battle the forces of darkness on my behalf because of Your goodness.

...and the prayer ends with this:

I am your child and servant and I look to You to be bigger than me and take care of me. Thank You, Daddy.

So it's really not mu..."THANK YOU, DADDY"???????? God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change; courage to change the things we can; and wisdom to know the difference. That said, we need a drink.

We're just gonna tell you right now that we read the rest of the entry to make sure it doesn't get exciting, and, believe it or not, it doesn't. It's a photoless compendium of Whelchel's Own prayers and a description of a dream. Obviously we're gonna opt for dream.

So...

Lisa goes on to describe the dream she mentioned at the beginning of the entry. Or another dream. It's difficult to say, as we can't really figure out the timeline of events described in this entry. And we long ago stopped trying to make sense of the actual words contained in the entries. So, in any case, here's a dream Lisa Whelchel had:

One night, in the middle of this battle, I had a dream.

Oh, this banoonies sentence was preceded by a few God- and Jesus-filled paragraphs wherein Lisa pleads to God for him to defend her. We have to say, she's becoming a real God hog. And, just so you have some context, the battle she's referring to above is the one where we have no idea what she's talking about.

Sorry. Without further ado. The dream. A dream. Dream...

There was a dog attacking me. At first, I tried to fight back. I yelled at him and tried to bite him myself.

Apologies again for the interruption, but please join us in picturing Blair Warner trying to bite a dog.

Thank you.

As you were.

That only made him more mad and it didn’t stop him, he kept growling and snapping. Then I simply started to walk away from the dog and yet the dog did not chase me. Instead, he stood still and started yelping and crying because I was walking away and he couldn’t bite me anymore. He was thoroughly frustrated and apparently not allowed to follow me. He could only hurt me if I was close enough for him to reach me.



OK, is it wrong that we were kind of rooting for the dog? Well, it's not if you attempt to the read the rest of this Coffee Talk entry, which, as per usual, we highly do not recommend.

She rationalizes the dream as such...

This dream reminded me of the verse James 4:7, “Submit to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” Over the previous few days, I hadn’t really engaged in any major “spiritual warfare,” per se. Mostly, I submitted my weakness honestly to God and did my best to resist the devil’s promptings. Thankfully, the devil did flee.

I had been weak and had contemplated sinning against my Heavenly Father, but I cried out to Him and He heard me and delivered me.

Oh, so this was the dream she was talking about at the beginning of the entry, right? Do we even remember what the hell she was talking about at the beginning of the entry? Do we even care about anything other than this tempting sin she constantly refers to but never names? No, of course we don't. Especially since we don't get one naming of a chain restaurant or discount department store in this entry. All we get is this shit...

Confess to the Lord – Be honest with the Lord. Don’t make excuses or rationalize. Shine the Light on the ugliest parts in the deepest recesses of your mind and heart. Confess your weakness, even confess any desire you have to continue in the sin.

Confess to a trusted friend or mentor - Secondly, wisely choose a friend to come clean with.

Read your Bible – feed your spirit Truth to war against the lies that are floating around in your head.

Make commitments – perhaps after your time in the Word, make practical commitments in moments of strength to help you avoid making steps in the wrong direction.

Guard your mind – pay attention to what you’re thinking about.

Worship – attend gatherings of other believers, put a worship CD on, sing praise songs.

Cry out to the Lord – call on Him in the middle of your struggle.

God, she's so fuckin' bossy. And we can totally hear God being like, "You know, maybe don't cry out to me. Maybe when you take the good, you also take the bad. " (Sorry. We had to wedge it in somehow.) Oh, and we also don't trust anyone who uses the word "mentor" in any other way than having misspelled "Mento."

All in all, we give this entry one disciple out of 12.



Lisa ends her entry with this prayer. For you.

Dear Jesus, I lift up my friends and ask You to give them the courage to confess their sin to You. Help them to know that You are not angry, rather You are broken-hearted on their behalf because You see the turmoil and destruction the enemy is causing in their life through this torment. Remind them that You are on their side and You hear them when they cry out to You, run to You, hide in You, and You will deliver them from evil. Encourage them to continue to call out to You even if the battle is long and if they stumble a few more times before the war is won. Please show them a godly friend in whom they can trust with their confession and rely on their prayers, mercy, support, and love. Father, I agree with my friend and ask in the authority of Jesus’ name, that You would set my friend free from the bondage of sin, oppressive thoughts, and inability to walk in victory in this particular area. Thank You, Lord, for extending Your love and power on their behalf. You truly are our Strong Tower, Deliverer, and help in time of need. Amen.



We end our entry with this advice. For you.

Hate the sinner, love the sin. Whatever in God's name that sin is.

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Shackles!"

Originally posted July 6, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

This week, Lisa ambushed us with another Coffee Talk entry a mere four days following the last one. Girl, we can't keep with that! You gots to keep it on the slow if we're going to keep this as a feature (which is never a sure thing, by the way, but you knew that).

The latest Coffee Talk entry is all about something called a Living Proof Live event with someone named Beth Moore. (Oh. Since this is a blog, we're supposed to provide you with a link so you can put this crap in context. Fine. Click here if you want to know what it's all about. Clearly we don't recommend it.) Lisa traveled to Oklahoma City where she was met by her friend Priscilla (of COURSE she has a friend called Priscilla) and Prissy's husband, Steve.



Priscilla and I climbed into the back of their SUV and started talking nonstop, pausing only long enough for a Subway sandwich.

Yay! Paragraph two and already an SUV and fast food chain mention! This is going to be good, kids.

When we got back into the car we popped in the DVD, "Glory Road." What an awesome movie. You must rush out and rent it to watch as a family. This was the first time I've ever watched a movie in the car. Now I know how my kids have been living! It was so much fun and made the trip just fly by.

Please realize here that we have two adult women watching a DVD in an SUV, ostensibly being willingly chauffered by one of the women's husbands.

When they finally got to Oklahoma City, presumably after they made Steve drive around until Glory Road ended, they checked into the hotel.

After a quick rest and another Subway sandwich with our friends from LifeWay, we walked over to the arena.

Jesus! Subway is making a keeeelling with these broads. By the way, has Lisa been in for a physical lately? Between Chick-Fil-A, Cafe Tu Tu Tango and all this Subway, we're beginning to become concerned for her health. We think it might be...weird.

Because Priscilla and Beth are good friends, we were invited backstage to pray with Beth and the Living Proof Live worship team before the event started. Oh my goodness, I was sooooo intimidated. I was so scared I was going to have to pray out loud in front of them. I mean really, first there is Beth, who can probably drink a cup of coffee with anointing. Then there is Priscilla, who prays with such authority that she could be reading the phone book and people would get saved. Not to mention Travis Cottrell, the worship leader. Just being in the same room with him made me want to lift my hands, fall to my knees, and dance before the Lord all at the same time.

Beth can "probably drink a cup of coffee with anointing"? We have to assume here that "anointing" is basically Christian Splenda. Right?

Blah blah Priscilla. We sooooo already hate her.

But who's this magical Travis Cottrell?



Ahhhhhhh. OK. We sooooo get it. This is a worship group for women and gays. Well, you take the good, you take the fags...



Some praying began in the arena. And then this...

There were hands lifted all the way to the ladies seated in the "third heaven" balcony. Beth was boogying in the front row. I was on my face half the time. And that was even before the girls broke into "Shackles!"

Whoa. We're trying to piece together what's happening here...

So, we got ladies lifting their hands skyward. Fine. Understood.

We got Beth dancing. Ew, but whatever.

We got Lisa on her face. How's that? Was she kneeling so much that her face was touching the floor? Or was she trying to dance (a la Beth) and falling? We honestly can't figure this one out. And it's really imp...no, we just got bored of trying.

Finally, what's this "Shackles!" business??? Is that like the secret Godword? When you're full up with the spirit, do you just scream "Shackles!"? That's cool. We'd just now like NB readers to know that when you're full up with the crap from this site, feel free to yell "Jamboree!" That's our secret Crapword. We'd never assign a word as seemingly confining as "shackles."

To be honest with you, I could have hopped back in the car and driven back to Dallas after the worship and been full. I mean, I love Beth and all, but I came to meet Jesus and He showed up before we even got to see what Beth was wearing and how she did her hair.

Um, duh, everyone knows Jesus is an early bird. He's Jewish. (Oh, hush. We can say that—we have the official Stamp of Ajewval.)

But, I'm glad I stayed.

Us, too. Us, too.

Beth was amazing. (BTW, she was wearing a very cute shimmery/leathery white jacket with Capri jeans trimmed in lace with half of her hair pulled back in a large clip.)

BTW, thanks for the post-Jesus'-arrival fashion report.



ABTW, what in God's name is going on with Lisa's hair? It's in an uncomfortable in-between place, as far as we can tell, and we'd suggest a decision be made toute suite. God doesn't like an indecisive disciple, Lisa. Don't be an indeciple.

Following this account of what's generally happening at the Living Proof Prayathon, we get into the personal praying shit, which comprises the second half of this Coffee Talk entry. No surprise there, obvs, but, in order to keep you from killing yourself, we'll try to highlight the important parts. You know, the ones where she talks about Tucker and "Blair."

...she challenged us to ask God in which area do we, deep down inside, where our heart is ailing and our mind is racing, most not trust God. I thought of one, and then another, and then one more.

Great. A fuckin' holy trinity of thoughts. She couldn't have had just one thought and then duck out for a McGriddle. Oh, and can one "most not trust" someone else? Whatever...

The first one was my fear that Tucker would choose the lure of the world over a life wholly submitted to Jesus.

Wait. "Wholly submitted to Jesus"?!?!?1?!? Tucker, dude, the next time mom's away? Run! Like the wind! Don't look back. Just get out of there. We had no idea this was an all-or-nothing deal. Well, we did but didn't. You know? Sorry. But for real. Your mother is clearly insane. You need to get out of there. You can come stay with us. Please bring Casey.

Beth challenged us to ask ourselves what we are afraid of, and what would happen if God didn't spare us from that fear. Would we trust Him to take care of us in the midst of the pain? So, I asked myself, if I could handle that. I was able to answer that I could honestly trust God with Tucker's future. Oddly enough, I have a deep peace about him choosing the Lord. I realized my fear would be that he would stray first and then people would be able to say, "See, that stuff Lisa has been preaching about doesn't really work after all." Deep down inside, I was afraid of, both being raked over the media coals, and also tarnishing God's name.

1.) The media and its coals are not interested. (BTW, this is not media.)

2.) Like our therapist says, you are allowed to feel two things at once. (BTW, we're really bad at that.) Lisa, Tucker can pretend to be devoted to Jesus to make you happy whilst also pursuing a normal life to make him happy. It's OK. It's normal, even.

If we must continue...

The other area I realized my heart aches the most and my mind obsesses over is my weight.

So, apparently Haven and Clancy are A-OK in the Jesus department, which makes us disappointed in both Haven and Clancy. Tucker, you're our only hope, dude. Seriously.

Again, upon honest reflection, I discovered that I think I would be okay being a bit frumpy if it were just me as the wife of Steve who adores me regardless, and my kids who already know I'm frumpy from the inside-out. I feel like my weight might be distracting to the people I have the privilege of ministering to who only come in the first place to see "Blair." Again, I thought I was not being a good steward of the platform God has given me. Plus, I really wanted to wear great outfits and feel good about myself in them.

OK. We'll give her this one. We'd probably gasp if we saw Whelchel in person and she was not the svelte "Blair" we're so used to. Yeah. Being a fatty's no fun. Look how skinny Jesus was...



Good luck with this one, Lisa. You know, if you can't lose the weight by yourself, there is a group that helps people like you.

Finally, the third area Lisa's concerned with is her ministry. That makes one of us.

Moving on, let's see how Lisa plans to remedy her issues...

Well, in regards to Tucker, I wrote him a letter and asked him to forgive me for not trusting his own personal relationship with God. Other than some non-negotiables required to live in our home, I was going to trust him to make good choices and when he made mistakes to trust him to learn from them and experience, first-hand, God's mercy and grace. If I truly hand him over to God then God won't be disappointed in me for being a terrible mother and it is up to Him to worry about everyone else's opinion.

Wouldn't you KILL to know what the non-negotiables are in the Whelchel household? And wouldn't you KILL to see them all being ignored while mom's away in Oklahoma City?! God, we're almost curious enough to email Tucker at his myspace account to try to convince him to keep his own diary. But that might constitute a "bad choice" on his part. God damn it, Whelchel. Always one step ahead. You terrible mother.

Now, about the weight. The truth is, I've made some choices and I'm choosing to not second-guess them. Because of my foot injury, I can't jog, walk, run, or play racquetball like I used to. I could go to the gym and get on the elliptical but I just don't want to give that amount of time and we don't have the room or the money to buy one for the house.

Jesus wha? Jesus who? Don't want to give that amount of time? Not enough money to buy your own? Come awn! Because of experience, we are expert at calling out laziness, and this, dear former child star, is laziness. All you needs to do is go to the gym for 30 minutes a day to make a difference. God will allow you that time to exercise, Lisa. We promise. And, if you can afford a gym membership, hon, you can afford to buy an elliptical trainer for your home.

Now that my kids are older, I have the luxury of spending a bit more time in the morning with the Lord than when they were little. I could give part of that up to go to the gym, but I'm not willing to. God loves me the way I am and if He wants me to lose some weight then in my weakness He can make me strong. I am willing to work at it.

OK. Much clearer now. The bottom line is that the weight is only an issue until Lisa realizes she's not willing to do anything about it. Apparently God will accept her the way she is, but he will not accept her going to the gym every morning instead of talking to Him. Well, in that case, right now God wants us to drink 43 dirty gin martinis because he'd like us much better completely drunk. We likes this method of problem solving! We likes it a lot!

Oh, hold on...

Granted, I am a Type-A personality. So, I don't really run the risk of being irresponsible and undisciplined and calling it "just trusting God." If anything, I would tend to err on the side of a works-driven, pull-myself-up-by-my-bootstraps, "just do it," mentality.

Hmmm. Yeah. Well, we can throw a bunch of words together to justify a completely nonsensical way of thinking, too, Lisa:

Granted, we have type o+ blood. So, we don't really run the risk of being irrational and unconscious and calling it "just having a drink because God said it was OK." If anything, we would tend to err on the side of a non-alcohol-driven, lie-down-wherever-there's-a-plush-surface, "just take it," mentality. But a drink usually helps.

C? EZ.

In talking about the plans for her ministry, Lisa says...

Sure, I would love to be a bomber pilot and see the power of God explode on the scene and the shrapnel fly all across the USA (and the Wal-Mart bookshelf.) But, if God wants me to be a mid-range missile and keep my focus on ministering to moms with practical encouragement then I'm not only going to be content, I'm going to thank Him for that gift. How shallow of me to feel shallow just because I'm not some great Bible teacher.

How shallow, indeed.

More importantly, what is up with the God-as-missile imagery? That couldn't have anything to do with our current administration, could it? Missiles, Wal-Mart and Jesus... You know, this is the most insightful, observant paragraph Lisa has ever written. Kudos, Lisa. Ku-dos.



She finishes the entry with this...

What is that "Thing" you have the hardest time trusting God with? Once you've identified your "Thing" or "Things," how would you live if you truly trusted God? For me, that is a choice I have to consciously make everyday, sometimes many times a day. How about you? Can God be trusted? Even if He doesn't spare you from your fears? Now, can you live like you believe that? I'll be praying for you. Will you pray for me, too, my beloved sister?

These questions are all very interesti...WHO YOU CALLIN' "SISTER"?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Sarah, Plain."

Originally posted June 27, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

In this week's thrilling episode of Coffee Talk, Lisa introduces us to one of her BFFs, Sarah. But not before reminding us for the Christteenth time that she has three teenagers:

I have three teenagers, therefore, I'm immersed in hormones, and relationship fissures, and daily life-altering drama.

"I'm immersed in hormones." Wow. The kicker is she then manages to repulse us even more...

You, on the other hand, may be drowning in dinner dishes, and Dora & Diego, and doodie diapers (and other duties.)

Nice. Though we'd have spelled "doodie," "doody." Right?

Anyway, onto Sarah, the latest Whelchel friend/relative to be involuntarily exposed via the wiretap that is Coffee Talk...



I met Sarah when I moved to Texas almost three years ago. Her husband was the Student pastor at our church. I could tell I was going to like this girl right away so I immediately invited her to be a charter member of my new Lone Star state MomTime group.

Ooooh. A charter member. Lucky Sarah. So, Whelchel moves to Sarah's town, yet Sarah is the one finding herself indoctrinated into a lunatic cult.



Er, how did Sarah feel about that?

I just love Sarah, and I know you will, too.

Right, right, right. It's a cult. We'll have to trust the leader, as Sarah is not allowed to speak. Well, unless she's allowed to speak. Which, unfortunately for us and for this site, this week she is...

That is why I called her a few weeks ago and asked her if she would consider writing for me occasionally from the perspective of a mom in the toddler trenches. Unbeknownst to me, it just so happened, (don't you love it when God puts something together and you thought it was your idea,) Sarah had just begun blogging her mommy journey.

We're thrilled that God is apparently the Nick Denton of mom blogs, but we're pretty disappointed at what we feel is a continued move to laziness on Lisa's part. (For the beginning of this unfortunate downslide, please refer to last week's Coffee Talk Companion.) We have been known to post up to 10 times a day here, Whelchel. Is once a week really that much? Do we need to send you on a silent fasting retreat? And no dog this time!

Perfect! So, for those of you who want to leave me for a younger mother then you will want to check out Sarah’s blog, "In the Midst."

She's obviously not listening to us. And the only person we'd leave Lisa for is Casey. In fact, why can't Casey be the guest contributor instead of this whore, Sarah? (See, this Sarah business is so unnerving that we've been forced to sink to the random and unjustified use of "whore.")

If you really don't have time to read one more thing, then rest easy, I plan to share more of Sarah's mommy musings in the future. So, without further ado, my friend, my "mini-me," my favorite library card holder, Sarah!

For fuck's sake. You know, we do do our "best" to entertain, but there is just no way we are going to comment on Lisa Whelchel's "mini-me'"s (???) Coffee Talk contribution. We thought about it for .03 second. But no. Nuh way. Uh uh. Nope. Sarah was not on one of our favorite '80s TV shows. Sarah did not amusingly become a born-again Christian after finishing said TV show. And Sarah does not have a Casey. She only has a Pace.



Yes, it's also gayish, but, no, it's no Casey.

Here's this week's thing. Lisa, you've deprived us and our readers this week of the one reason both our and your site is barely worth reading. Yes, we take the good, but this is just too bad for us to take (sorry—we forgot to use it last week, so we figured we'd really force it in here this time).

Hence, we're going to have to skip Sarah entirely and go to Lisa's biting final words...

Don't ya' just love her?

No, Lisa, we don't. And, truth be told? We kind of hate you right now, too.

The Coffee Talk Companion: "My Meal Belongs to Daddy."

Originally posted June 20, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.



This week, Lisa leaves home for a three-day silent retreat, much to what we have to imagine would be the chagrin of Clancy, Haven and Tucker, who'd probably kill for three days of shut-mouth from mom.

Anyway, let's let a re-non-silent Whelchel explain:

Many months ago, when I was reading Bob Sorge’s book, “Secrets of the Secret Place” (the first time through,) my heart leapt with excitement when I read his chapter on the importance of retreats. As soon as I finished my morning devotions, I looked ahead on my calendar and planned a three-day, silent retreat, like he suggested in the book. I couldn’t wait to get away from everything, with only my Bible and a case of bottled water, to hear from God and grow closer to Him.

Ah. So this Bob Sorge encourages silent fasting retreats. A retr-non-eat, if you will. (We just sent that in to be copyrighted, so don't even think about it, Sorge.) To get in touch with God, for which Lisa brought her Bible. But honestly, we have to imagine Bible or no Bible, after three days of non-eating, God's gonna be pushed down the "To call" list beneath Dominos. Oh, and another thing—fuck you to everyone who enourages fasting. Not because we likes to eat and would shove 3,249 Hershey's Kisses in our mouth at one time if given the opportunity. No, it's because it's fucking unhealthy. A body shouldn't suddenly be deprived of food after growing accustomed daily to, in an average American's day, 5,309 calories. It's just not right. You hear us, Jews? Yom Kippur? Not cool.

Last week, the day finally arrived. I packed up my van, with my dog, (I figured this didn’t negate the whole “silent” retreat thing,) a small bag with some comfy sweats, no make-up bag, and my favorite pillows. I drove to the border of Oklahoma to a friend’s ranch where I often go to write.

OK, so she broke one rule already. She brought the dog. The dog doesn't know what the fuck is going on, so we're going to imagine it barked at least once, negating the entire "silent" experience. And everyone knows if a dog is not happy, the owner is going to try to comfort it by speaking to it (unless it's a Chinese restaurant, in which case it's going to be delicious). So, we have to imagine Lisa spoke, too. We'll downgrade this silent fasting retreat right now to "fasting retreat."

I arrived late in the morning and snuggled up on the couch with my Bible. My plan was to read through the “Harmony of the Gospels.” Basically, this just means reading through all four gospels, combined into one, in chronological order with some stories repeated a few times.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait. The Harmony of the Gospels? Quoi??? Um, Whelchel, you talk up the Bible like nobody's business. When you bring a Bible somewhere where you have nothing else to do but drink water and quiet a scared puppy, we expect you to read the whole thing. We can't imagine God was too thrilled with this act.

I was miserable!

Uh huh.

I’ve gone on three-day fasts before, but I always drank LOTS of fresh juice. This time I decided to drink only bottled water. Oh my goodness, I was weak as a puppy.

We imagine at this point she was just seeing the puppy she decided to bring along and thought she was actually the puppy. Which is another reason you shouldn't bring a dog on a silent fasting retreat.

I could hardly stay out of bed, barely finding time to read my Bible in between naps. And forget about praying, or worshiping. That would take way too much energy.

Oy. All complaints from this one. We have to wonder here, does Bob Sorge trump God in this situation? Clearly, Lisa lives her life by the gospels (or the Reader's Digest version), but Bob Sorge's request, nay, insistence that this retreat involve fasting is making it impossible for her to communicate with God, which is basically her lifeblood. And not only that, the purpose for this retreat was so she could commune with God more easily. Is it just us, or is the blatant illogic of the situation not abundantly clear?

So you don't kill yourself, and so we can move on, here are the retreat highlights. Fine, highlight:

I tossed and turned all night long, with weird dreams, none of them from God!

Coffee Talk aficionados will realize this is the third week in a row Whelchel drops an unqualified "weird" in her rantings. Again, so not fair to us. Though, this week, it's almost atoned for by this glorious passage:

Did I mention how much I missed my morning coffee? I’m in love with coffee – I think I’ll marry it.

Hilarious, Lisa. For real. We love when the human trapped inside the Godshell makes a cameo. Unfortunately, the Godshell was still trapped inside the retreat and wanted out. Badly.

About 3 o’clock in the afternoon I said out loud, “Okay, Uncle! I give up. I can’t do this. This is too hard. I want to go home. I miss my family. I’m bored out of my gourd! Even so, Lord, you know I won’t give up. I will stay here for the full three days. But, it would be really nice if you would show up. I just don’t have the energy to seek You and find You. Will you please come get me?”

We can't decide if we heart "Okay, Uncle!" or "I'm bored out my gourd!" more. Hmmm. We'll give the edge to "Okay, Uncle!" because of her actual addressing of an uncle in her attempt at the familiar "to cry uncle."

Any-fuckin'-way, she is eventually relieved...

A couple of hours later I received a phone call from my cousin. (I was only supposed to have one phone call a day but I had cheated a bit on this one.)


No wonder God wasn't calling. A.)Her cousin was hogging the phone line and B.) Clearly he had taken up with someone who was doing the silent, fasting, non-canine retreat correctly.

It was so weird, I had just been praying for my cousins and aunts and uncles that morning. So, I told Tammy that when she called. She went on to say, “Well, I’m sorry that we never get to talk and the only time we do it has to be because of bad news. They took your daddy to the hospital last night and no one has been able to reach you until now.”

"Weird" again. She means "coincidental" here. What's actually "weird" is that she claims she's been praying for scads of people when earlier she wrote that she didn't have energy to do anything during the retreat. At this point, like us, God got completely fed up. Which is clearly why he sent Lisa's dad to the hospital. Right before Father's Day.

I immediately jumped up, grabbed a stale jar of nuts in the pantry, tipped it back, and guzzled it down like it was a soda. Then I threw my stuff in the bag, grabbed my dog, and headed to the hospital, stopping only long enough to grab a sandwich and a drink at Chick-fil-a.

This is why we love our Lisa. Well, two reasons. The "in-the-moment" reason, where she actually stops at a Chick-fil-a before going to see her father in the hospital, and the "meta" reason where she includes in her recollection of an extremely frantic moment the name of the chain restaurant she actually stopped at before going to see her father in the hospital. Oh, yes, it's also totally priceless that she spelled "Chick-fil-a" correctly.

Turns out the father's fine, so, of course, it's back to being about Lisa Lisa Lisa...

For starters, I will either take plenty of juice with me for a shorter retreat or I will go on a longer retreat and not count on doing anything until about the third day when my body adjusts.

Or until the contraband dog fucking blows its brains out from boredom. Speaking of which, the rest of the Coffee Talk entry is a note Lisa wrote to her daddy. It lists poignant reasons why she is thankful for him, the best one being...

I never had to worry as a child. It never crossed my mind to thank you for a safe home, plenty of food, family vacations, a trip to Sears for school clothes and a trip to K-Mart for summer wear. I always had everything I needed because of you.

"Sears," "K-Mart" and "summer wear." A trifecta of Whelchel magicness.



It wraps up with...

...of your love for Jesus. Anytime you come to church with me, or whenever I pray with you, or even just talk about the Lord, you always get teary-eyed. I know Jesus knows how much you love Him deep down inside. But mostly because…

OK. UNCLE!

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Ms. Warner Goes (Back) to Washington."

Originally posted June 13, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Lisa Whelchel pulls a little non-linear storytelling on us this week. Very nice. This week's Coffee Talk post concerns her visit to the Foursquare Convention in Washington D.C., an event that preceded Casey's wedding, the topic of last week's Coffee Talk post. In case you forgot what Casey looks like, here's a reminder...



The Foursquare Convention is produced by Lisa's husband Steve, and it inevitably has something to do with Christ, though we're not sure what because we hate Christ (Kidding! We merely do not accept him.). Instead, we're interested in the more mundane details of the D.C. visit, like this...

I’ve been on the regular White House tour many times over the years but this was especially exciting. To actually see the Oval Office and the outside of the Situation Room and visit the Rose Garden was a thrill. Of course, like most everything you see on TV, everything was a lot smaller than I imagined. (Keep that in mind the next time you see me on TV, okay.)

Ooooh! Is there going to be another Facts of Life reunion movie?!? Because we can't, for the facts of life of us, figure out why else Lisa Whelchel would be on television.

It was also a lot less glamorous than I would have thought. (This is equally true of me.)

Lisa! Stop it. You're killing us. We never thought you were glamorous. Come on. But we do appreciate the modesty.

The White House really is an old building and, in many places, it looks like a really old building.

We kind of think the above was the answer Lisa got when she ran into the President and asked him to tell her about the White House. To which she probably replied, "Of course, like most everything you see on TV, everything is a lot smaller than I imagined. (Keep that in mind the next time you see me on TV, okay.) To which he replied, "Who are you?"

The Press Room was especially run down, but that is also the place where we had the most fun as a family. (Did you know that this room is built over the old swimming pool?)

This is yet another one of Whelchel's now-famous incidents of non-qualification. How, pray tell, did the family have fun in the White House Press Room? Did Clancy pretend to be Helen Thomas while a curt Tucker-portraying Tony Snow pretended she wasn't there? And where was Haven in all this? Swimming? For the love of god, we needs details, woman!

Oh, wait, here's where Haven was...

Haven participated in something especially exciting while in town. She rode on the back of a Harley with “Big Al” of a Christian Motorcycle Club in the “Rolling Thunder 2006.” Almost 500,000 motorcycle riders rode down Constitution Avenue to remember the Veterans of War. She had a fabulous time and came back to the hotel telling me about all the wonderful people she met, declaring she wants to ride in a club when she grows up. Yikes! Not my baby – on a motorcycle – on the street!

Oh, Jesus. Ya can't let your kid ride on a motorcycle once and then, when she totally hearts it, tell her she can't do it again. Unless, apparently, it's not on the street. Here's a tip, Haven: tell her you're going to ride it on the sidewalk. She never said you couldn't. We all have the evidence. But make sure it's a Christian hog, of course. A Harley-Robertson, or something. (Sorry. That was awful. We know.)

Oh, here's a pic of Haven and "Big 'Not Gay' Al":



We sure hope you washed your hands after, Have (pronounced "have," obviously)!

After a short description of a visit to the National Cathedral, bien sûr, for a "Tea and Tour," the entry once again becomes Haven-centric:

Wednesday, Haven and I drove to Purceville, Virginia to visit Patrick Henry College, where she plans to attend school in just a few too few years from now.

Lovely.

We had lunch with the president, Dr. Mike Farris.

Wow. Sounds very nice.

This visit only sealed the deal in Haven’s mind and it made me feel a lot better about her moving so far away so soon.

OK. That's good for both mom and daughter. Peace of mind is valuable.

By the way, I would highly recommend you consider this college if you have a child thinking about higher education.

It certainly sounds inviting so far.

It is a smaller college, but I like that.

We do, too. More attention, less interruption. Very good.

The education is unparallel, the environment is uniquely Christian...

Oh, for fuck's sake. And it was going so well. Here's the thing, Lisa. We love gin. We believe in gin. But do we go around to every fucking person and place and make sure they endorse gin and are thinking about it all the time? No, we don't. Why? Because we keep our fanatic alcoholism to ourself. Maybe the person next to us would rather shoot up than get drunk. That's fine. As long as he's not hurting anyone, we're happy to accept whatever's necessary to help him sleep at night. There's a lesson there, Lisa, and it doesn't come from the Bible. It comes from life. Or, rather, avoiding life.

Hanyway, later that night...

Wednesday evening was definitely a highlight, for the whole family - the whole convention, for that matter.. The Newsboys led the worship. In one sense, it was hysterical. For starters, someone had the bright idea to honor the pastors who had been in ministry 50 and 60 years on the same night. This meant the 70, 80, and 90-year-olds were all seated on the front row. Clancy was sent to the drugstore just before the service began to purchase 25 pair of earplugs. (Everything in this paragraph is [sic], by the way. Just so you know.)

This actually sounds kind of entertaining. Oldies being honored is always a good time (see: any acceptance speech of a Lifetime Acheivement Academy Award recipient).

But these oldtimers (or forerunners, as they are called around here)...

Nothing like honoring the elders by naming them after an SUV.

...loved it! It was so funny to see them on their feet clapping, singing, and dancing! Yes, I did say dancing. Actually, the whole crowd was way on into it. Which is especially interesting because the median age was somewhere around 40. According to my children that is really too old to be dancing and jumping and lifting your hands, but that didn’t stop any of us.

Seriously, Tucker, Haven and Clancy, we're with you. You're lucky to even have hands at 40! Sheesh.

Tucker was privileged to spend the day hanging out with the band and their crew. He even got to be “assistant guitar tech for the day.” After the concert, we all got to attend a little reception for the band. What amazingly nice guys!

In all fairness, we do have to applaud Ms. Whelchel here for the correct spelling of "privileged." We take the bad, but we also take the good. (Yes, there will be a "take the good, take the bad" joke in each of our Coffee Talk recaps. Sorry.) Here's a pic of the fam with Yul Brynner Peter, the lead singer of the Newsboys:



Nice eyeliner, dude! Though, honestly, would Jesus have done that?

Oh, and, is it just us, or is Tucker beginning to be...hot? OK, we rilly can't deal with having crushes on two Whelchels. Lisa, please ask Jesus for our forgiveness. Thanx.

The rest of the entry is dedicated to excerpts from a sermon given by some guy during the convention. We won't subject you to that, obviously. You can experience all the excruciating wordage for yourselves.

Finally, Lisa wraps up with this:

As you go about your days, you may think to yourself, “I wonder what Lisa did in this situation?” or “I wonder what Lisa thinks about this?” or “How did Lisa handle this challenge?”

Now she's talkin'! Why, just the other day we drove by a Target, and we wondered, Would Lisa refer to this as "Target" or the more suburbanly humorous "Tar-jay." Or would she forego naming the store all together and opt for "The main competitor of Wal-Mart, the discount store we usually go to but couldn't today because Clancy really had to use the restroom and there wasn't a Wal-Mart or Sam's Club in sight"?

If so, send me an email with that question.

Done and done.

I will store them in a special place and occasionally I’ll pull out a topic that seems to be creeping up more often than others and simply offer my point-of-view.

You know what to do here, folks.

After all, I think that is what discipleship is all about - walking together on this parenting journey and learning things along the way. Can I join you on your journey?

As long as we can continue on yours, Lisa. As long as we can continue on yours.

The Coffee Talk Companion: "For Weddings and a Funereal Birthday (or, No Joy in Mudville).

Originally posted June 5, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Poor Lisa Whelchel. As four of you probably know, it was her birthday and...oh, we'll let her explain:

Today is actually my birthday and I am in Washington DC for the Foursquare Denominational Convention that my husband, Steve, produces every year. Tonight is opening night so Steve is busily running around taking care of details, the kids are in the other room watching a movie, and I thought I’d take this opportunity to write the rest of last week’s journal entry.

Don't shed a tear yet. There's a happy ending:

So, even though today is actually a drag of a birthday, I’m looking forward to the whole week. Steve was able to extricate himself from the office long enough to take me to Baja Fresh for birthday tacos.

P-h-e-w! Looks like Steve dodged another birthday bullet with a little help from Mexico. Tell us, Steve, now how do you feel about those immigrants?

Mother Whelchel also honored her daughter's birthday...

My mom took me out to dinner last week to celebrate. She then took me shopping and bought me my first pair of reading glasses. Happy 43rd birthday! Actually, I love them. My arms were getting too short to be able to read the menu or my Bible lately.

Hallelujah! The Bible can once again be read (As if she doesn't have it completely memorized. Right, Tucker?) with a little help from these...



(Need we explain how much we adore the helpful captions? No, we need not.)

Anyway, anyway, anyway. Enough about the most depressing bday ever. Let's jump right in to the good news...



Um. Two words pop instantly into mind: Hubba hubba. Oh, and also these: Marry me! Oh, and: Marry me, but be naked!

Of course, as we know all too well, if you take the good, you take the bad:



Boo! Hiss! Jeers!

Seriously, Maria, how we envy you. (She does look small enough to be broken. Right, Clancy?)

The next morning was the wedding and it was wonderful. Other than some sound problems, the ceremony was perfect. Maria, of course, was lovely but I couldn’t take my eyes off of my beautiful baby brother. Who, in turn, couldn’t take his eyes off of hi [Rest of paragraph edited for brevity].

No kidding, Leese. We can't take our eyes off him, either. We just registered CaseyWhelchelIsTotesHot.com, by the way. Stay tuned for the official Casey Whelchel Fan Club.

In the meantime, please enjoy these pics of Casey dancing with his bride and his mom.*



What a gay, sorry, guy!

And now, the excerpt de resistance of this week's Coffee Talk:

We ate dinner at a really cool restaurant called “Café Tu Tu Tango,” where they only serve appetizers. The menu has over 50 different appetizers so we ordered an assortment and all tried them family-style. Most of them were delicious, but some of them were just plain weird. The restaurant is decorated from floor to ceiling with original artwork that is for sale. Clancy even had her portrait painted in a style that is perfect for her bedroom.

1.) We're pretty sure these "appetizers" are either officially referred to on the menu as a.) "tapas" or b.) "appeteasers." Right now odds are on the latter, though it's veeeery close.

2.) Here she goes again with the "weird." If you haven't blocked it out, last week Lisa took Tucker to the Guitar Center and said the experience was weird. Alas, she failed to give us details much the same as she fails to give us details here. We'd like to heretofore request that any use of "weird" in any form (i.e. "weirdly," "weirdness" etc.) in a Coffee Talk entry be absolutely qualified.

The rest of this week's entry is relatively bland. It does deepen our fascination with Miss Whelchel's complete devotion to corporate entities:

We went back to CityWalk for dinner at Wolfgang Puck’s restaurant.

This is classic Whelchel, unusual only because she does not mention the name of Puck's restaurant. Typically she is so careful to be specific about which chain eatery she has visited. It's kind of like if it were 1998, and she had just watched the hilarious Thursday-night TV block of "Veronica's Closet," "Frasier," "Jesse" and "Friends" and failed to call it "Must See TV," which we know she so totally did. Maybe she realized how sad her birthday was and was just like, "Screw it all to heck, I'm not writing 'Wolfgang Puck Café'! It will have to be 'Wolfgang Puck's restaurant.' See what you've done, Haven? See what you've done?"

Er, sorry. Anyhoots, she ends the entry with this:

Life is never dull in our family. I hope Maria knows what she just got herself into!

Yeah, we hope so, too, because we've already prepared our Wolfgang Puck Air Mattress for Casey should Maria realize what a terrible, terrible mistake she's made. And, by Wolfgang Puck Air Mattress, we mean the Wolfgang Puck Empty Half of Our Bed.



Sigh.

*Bride and mom have been edited out to save bandwidth

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Whelchels West."

Originally posted June 1, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

This week's Coffee Talk journal entry from Lisa Whelchel makes no mention of her 43rd birthday at all. Rather, as she lets us know early on...

This week’s journal entry will read more like a travelogue than anything. We certainly filled each and every day of our trip to Los Angeles with memories! My brother’s wedding wasn’t until the weekend but we decided to fly in early to visit our old friends and favorite haunts. There is so much to tell that I will have to save the wedding festivities for next week.

And we feel duty-bound to let you know that "so much to tell" basically means "we went to chain restuarants," as evidenced here...

As soon as we landed we rented a van and headed straight for “In-N-Out Burgers!” This is a fast food restaurant that is mostly just in the Western United States. It is a Christian-owned company and they even have Bible references printed on the bottom of their cups. They also happen to have the most delicious burgers in the world. (Although, Whataburgers and Butter Burgers are close in the running.) (Ed. note: we appreciate knowing the runners-up, and we're sure they do, too, no matter how their names are spelled.)

...here...

We met at Jamba Juice (another one of our favorites that is hard to find where we live now.) (Ed. note: again, we appreciate the qualification.)

...here...

First stop was “Chevy’s” fresh-mex restaurant. (Yet, another favorite.) (Ed. note: Again, thanks. And please note that we pretty much lost it at "fresh-mex," which, by the way, Lisa, is a registered trademark. Be careful.)

...and here...

After yet another stop at a favorite West Coast fast food restaurant, “El Pollo Loco” for some chicken bowls...

El Pollo Loco, indeed. Well, you have to keep Tucker happy somehow, no? Because some attempts end, well, weirdly...

Tucker talked me into taking him to the Hollywood Guitar Center. What a weird experience.

Wouldn't you LOVES to know what happened at the Guitar Center? Too bad. She ends it there. Maybe if enough of us email her, she'll cave. Wait, what are we talking about? Anyway, the trip to LA was filled with more of our favorite type of Whelchel narration, the kind where it sounds like she's visiting Earth for the first time and reporting back to the mother ship:

I love our old neighborhood. I enjoy how the weather cools down in the evenings and you can actually spend time outdoors. I really like the availability and accessibility to all the latest and greatest retail and restaurants.

Then onto the Hollywood Palladium to see “Stomp!” Oh my goodness, what an awesome show. This cast was able to make music out of anything and everything imaginable. What talent and creativity!

My favorite store was a shop where they sell all of the clothes from the studios that have been worn on television and movies. For five bucks, Tucker got the coolest burgundy velvet jacket (that looked like it must have been worn by Prince in some video.) Haven bought a really fun-but-ugly shirt from “That 70’s Show.”

"Latest and greatest," "fun-but-ugly"... Lisa, you're killing us. Keeeeeeeeeling us.

Next, some good news and bad news. The good news is that the reason for this return to LA is, as mentioned above, for Lisa's brother's wedding. Yes, that brother. Casey. Adorable, lovely Casey. Well, the good news is that any mention of Casey is good news because it usually means a photo. Alas, good news...



Clearly, they call the bad news Maria...

I just can’t put into words how much we love Maria. She is perfect! I pray that God gives my son someone as godly, emotionally healthy, sweet, and supportive as Maria.

First of all, no one is perfect, especially someone wearing that much white. Second of all, Lisa, if you're going to praise Maria on high, don't turn it around and make it about Tucker. We were talking about Casey, and we'd like to stick with that topic so as to benefit from more photos. So not only does Maria get Casey, she also gets Lisa to stop talking about Casey, whom she's in LA to see. Obvs, we hate Maria. We pray that God...never mind.

Oh, of course we always adore all the Starbucks mentions. You'd think they have Bible messages printed on the sides of their cups as it's the only chain restaurant that gets two mentions!

After shopping around for awhile, I ensconced myself in a Starbucks and wrote last week’s journal entry...

...my friend, Janice, and I talked over the new Starbucks banana/coconut frappuccino.

OK. Does a banana/coconut frappucino really exist? As we've never ensconced ourselves in a Starbucks, we don't know. We do know that we'd like to ensconce Miss Whelchel in a comma-usage class for a few hours. It's really getting out of hand.

Alas, next week we've been promised lots of wedding activity details. Eh. More bad news, if you know what we mean. But, yes, we're assuming more good news, too. Good news in a tux. Hot. Because, as Lisa says...

Possibly, the highlight of the whole trip was Thursday night. We all went over to Casey and Maria’s new apartment and prayed through every room.

Sorry. That just popped in here of its own accord. "Praying through rooms" is apparently very, very powerful.

No, what we meant Lisa to say was...

Old friends are truly the best.

So true, Leese. We hope you count us as one of your new old friends. Until next time...

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Ms. Warner Goes to Washington."

Originally posted April 11, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Let's check in with someone who's totally crazy busy, or at least just crazy: Lisa Whelchel...

This week's journal entry starts off with the very promising, "In most of my journal entries I tend to be very wordy and forget to bring my camera so there are few pictures. Well, last week and this week should balance that out a bit. I’ve taken LOTS of pictures lately."

She and her brother, Casey, met in Washington D.C. where Lisa was invited to the Radio and Television Correspondents’ Dinner where Vice President Dick Cheney was to be the keynote speaker. Of course she was!

Here are Lisa and Casey at said dinner (the hideous turquoise thing underneath Lisa's hideous tuxedress will be explained in a moment):



And here's Casey with a hilarious cardboard cutout of George W. Bush!



(Is it just us, or is Casey kinda cute in this pic? Sorry. Forget we ever said anything.)

Casey and Lisa did all sorts of sightseeing stuff in D.C.—you can read the thrilling tales in the complete journal entry. However, as promised, we will excerpt the highlight, a tale of forgetfulness so thrilling that you'll be at the edge of your seat (which you will have moved to the edge of the roof of the building you're in):

We made three way-too-quick visits to the American Indian, Natural History, and Air & Space museums. It was while racing through the dinosaur exhibit that it suddenly hit me out of nowhere – I forgot to pack the silver shell that goes with the dress I was suppose to wear in just a couple of hours.

We hopped in a cab and asked him to take us to the nearest store. Either he didn’t speak English and didn’t know what I said, or it was just because he was a guy. Either way, he dropped us off at this dumpy basement store that had absolutely nothing! I grabbed a shirt that looked kind of silvery/blue (only to discover when I put it on that night that it was actually greenish/turquoise.)

Stupid immigrant or guy! We'd like to get our hands on him to let him know just whose night he, in fact, ruined. Mostly because it caused us to have to hear about it.

Anyway, after surviving the "shell" debacle, Casey and Lisa visited the White House...

...which was, in fact, covered by the national news...

The duo then visited the Capitol but were ordered to stay at least 5,000 feet away from it...



(Um, sorry, Casey Whelchel is totally our new crush. Those Chucks are adorable.)

Of course, Lisa made them go to the National Cathedral...



...but obviously Casey wasn't having any of it. Who wants to schlep all the way out to the cathedral which isn't near any of the museums, government buildings, documents on parchment etc? Not our Casey!



However, we have to give credit to Lisa for one stroke of sheer brilliance:

"...we stumbled onto “The Blair House.” I couldn’t resist; I had to take a photo op at 'my' residence."



Alas, this final photo proves that even the craziest busiest of Christians can allow a bit of intentional humor to rise to the surface occasionally. Which is so great. Especially for those with the patience to wait around for such incidents. We'll just stick to skimming the journal every few months. Especially the Casey-centric entries! Call us!

Godspeed.

ADDENDUM:
We're just reading about Casey's wife's bridal shower (sorry, guys) and had to post this quote:

"We were supposed to have queso dip but, first, Clancy put the Costco-size can of chili in the crock pot and then I forgot to turn it on. Either way, the Children of Israel could have made bricks out of it."

That is all.

A Blair in the life: December 2005.

Jesus, found...

The teenage years not included, have you ever wondered why do we do the things we do? Especially at Christmas time! For instance, what in the world does a big pine tree with blinking bulbs and dangling doodads have to do with Baby Jesus? And can someone please tell me why we climb on top of our roofs, risking life and limb, to outline our houses with 40-watt icicles (in 70° weather, no less)? I'm not even going to bring up the whole fruitcake phenomenon.

A few years ago I decided enough was enough. I determined to make Christmas for our family more about the birth of the Savior and less about the death of the savings account. In an attempt to redeem the meaning I investigated all of the holiday traditions we were so blissfully, blindly following.

Guess what I found? Jesus! He was there when we dressed the evergreen tree, when Dad dressed up in a red suit, and when we ate turkey and dressing! Yes, we were caught up in all the trappings of Christmas but I discovered that it was neither the enemy nor the world that set the bait. It quickly became my desire to lure parents into the hustle and bustle of Christmas and then set them free to join their children in the celebration—guilt-free.

A Blair in the life: November 2005.

Barf bags...

For each child’s 13th birthday we’ve taken them somewhere special. Tucker went with his dad to San Francisco. I took Haven to a Spa & Resort. It doesn’t get much better than a cruise for a milestone birthday celebration. Traditionally, we would bring along Dr. Dobson’s “Preparing for Adolescence” tapes and in between fun times and good food we would listen to the tapes with the kids.

Considering Tucker warned Haven to “pack a barf bag” before her trip, Clancy asked if she could forego the “poohburty” tapes for the cruise. Her argument was, “I’m going to be sick enough as it is just being on the boat.” So, considering it would be a shame to “lose” all that delicious cruise food, we struck a deal. She could listen to the tapes when we got home.

A Blair in the life: October 2005.

This one's long but SO worth it...

This has just not been a great week all the way around. Tucker is being especially “teenagerish” lately. Haven and Clancy are doing the sibling sister act! Steve’s been out of town and I’ve just felt bloated and fat and my roots are too long and I need a hair cut.

I don’t mean to sound like a whiner and a complainer. I know these are all stupid, tiny things compared to the real world around me, but I’m just trying to explain why this week’s Coffee Talk is a bit weak.

The capper for this week was a few nights ago. My mom locked her keys in her car out in the middle of nowhere. I drove two hours into the back woods of East Texas and finally found her after getting lost a half-dozen times along the way.

I told her that I would follow her to the freeway. As we were pulling onto this very dark, two-lane road, I thought, “How awful would it be if I was following my mother and a car ran into her head-on!” I know, terrible thought, huh.

Guess what. About fifteen miles later, I look ahead of my mother and there is a car barreling down our side of the road, going over 80 miles an hour and heading straight for my mom. I found out later that she had just unbuckled her seat belt had been digging through the back seat to find a tape minutes before.

Thankfully, she saw the headlights and swerved over to the shoulder of the road. Now the car is heading straight for me! My mom said that she watched from her rear view mirror as the car narrowly missed me as I swerved over behind her.

On the side of the road, we both got out of our cars, hugged each other and thanked God for His hand of protection. From out of absolutely nowhere, a large dog/wolf with blue eyes walked out from around the back of my minivan and stood right beside us. I began to calmly freak out. Remember, I was bitten by a large dog with blue eyes just a few months ago.

My mother did the mom thing and shielded me and talked me into the van. Then she walked to her car, with the dog following close behind. She got into her car, rolled down the window to call back to me when she saw another car speeding down the road toward us. Now, this car was on the right side of the road. The problem was, the dog was standing in the middle of the lane looking into my mother’s window.

The speeding car had no choice. It could either swerve into oncoming traffic, or swerve into us on the shoulder of the road, or hit the dog. Sadly, the car slammed into the dog and the dog flew up and over my mother’s car and landed in the ravine. Thankfully, my mom said that it never made a sound, it died instantly.

My mom looked out her window and I called to her, “Mom, what’s happening?!” She said, “I don’t know but let’s get out of here!” When we reached the Interstate we stopped at a Ta Molly’s restaurant and talked ourselves down over a diet coke and some chips.

A Blair in the life: September 2005.

Taking care of the me...

I’ve received a half-dozen emails today alone with ways to help the victims of Katrina. I’m so thankful America is rising up and reaching out. Just last week as I was writing my “Taking Care of the Me in Mommy” book I was culling through some ideas to include for household organization. One of the tips was to go through your linen closet and only keep two sets of sheets for each bed in the house and give the others away. Another tip was to spend a week eating only what is already in your freezer and pantry. Tomorrow morning, our family has plans to “organize” our whole house.

A Blair in the life: August 2005.

Have Faith...

While I was spending the day at LifeWay, my friend, Faith Whatley, confessed that she had been teasing her friend, Travis Cottrell, about a childhood crush he had on me when I was on “The Facts of Life.” (Travis is a praise and worship artist and he leads worship for Beth Moore's live events.) Apparently, he even wrote a fan letter to me when he was a kid. Well, Faith just couldn't let that kind of blackmail information alone without using it to torture him.

So, she had me return one of his calls acting as “her assistant.” What was so funny was the fact that he answered the phone with, “You take the good, you take the bad…” He recognized my voice immediately but I took him off guard when I invited him and his wife to join me and my manager, Ron's, family for dinner that night.

A Blair in the life: July 2005.

The dog days of summer:

Then today, I was simply walking into a nursery to buy a bougainvillea plant for Steve for our 17th anniversary. There was a very large dog walking around in the garden. I had met this dog before when I had come in a few weeks ago with Clancy. I still don’t know exactly what happened, but I was simply looking at some plants and this dog came running towards me. The first thought that ran through my mind was, “Don’t be scared, he’s just running over here to greet you.”

No. He went straight for my thigh and bit me! I was so shocked I just grabbed my leg and stood there. The dog made a circle around the tree and started coming for me again. I looked at the owner and said, “He just bit me. Get him.” I went into the bathroom and discovered that three teeth had punctured the surface and there was already a huge bruise and swelling. So, anyway, off to the Emergency Room again. Two shots, a prescription of antibiotics, and a big bandage later, I’m sitting here writing this week’s journal entry.

A Blair in the life: June 2005.

Activities...

I broke my fast by having my own private communion service. (Then I went on a date with Steve to “California Pizza Kitchen!”)

A Blair in the life: May 2005.

May means Mother's Day. Lisa is a mom...

This Mother's Day also cost me financially. A church called me a few weeks ago and offered me an exorbitant amount of money to come speak for their Sunday morning services. It was very difficult to turn down but I got to thinking about the fact that I really only have a few more Mother's Days with all my children living at home and you really can't put a price on the memories made during these precious years.

From Clancy:

You are cool, you are great
You're like a big fat (not literally) piece of bait.
There were lots of fish in the sea
But lucky for him
Dad picked the best of them
And then you had me!
(Who coincidentally is the 2nd best fish in the sea.)
Hopefully I'll grow up to be
As good of (and as hot!) a mom as you are to me!

Love, Clancy

A Blair in the life: April 2005.

We'll highlight the song lyric, thank you. The new "do" you'll have to see for yourself...

Not a whole lot going on this week so I dug up an old poem, song lyric, and praise song I wrote a long time ago.

I also got a new hair cut so I posted pictures of the new do on the photo page.

"That's What You Did "

Vs. 1
My beautiful son, I could just sit and stare
while you’re busily playing, unaware
that I’m watching you be Superman;
listening as you talk to Peter Pan.

Bridge 1
Anything You ask, Dear Lord, and I would hold back none
But could I give the life of my only son?

Chorus
That’s what You did
That’s Who You gave
Your Son, Your only Son.
The best of You
You gave to me
And when it was said and done
You would give again
If I had been
The one and only one.

Vs. 2
Abraham, raised his knife above
his child of promise, his dearest love,
trusting so in what You said
that You could raise him from the dead.

Bridge 2
His father’s heart, torn in two, must’ve cried that day
when asked if he were willing, his only son to slay.

Chorus
That’s what You did
That’s Who You gave
Your Son, Your only Son.
The best of You
You gave to me
And when it was said and done
You would give again
If I had been
The one and only one.

Vs. 3
My precious daughters, my sweetest gifts
if I had not known you, I would’ve missed
my call in life, my heart’s treasure,
raising you, my greatest pleasure.

Bridge 3
I would choose death, over harm to you
To give you up, for any reason, I just could not do.

Chorus
That’s what You did
That’s Who You gave
Your Son, Your only Son.
The best of You
You gave to me
And when it was said and done
You would give again
If I had been
The one and only one.

A Blair in the life: March 2005.

Did you know Lisa enjoyed the scrapbooking? Of course she does...

If you’ve been joining me for “Coffee Talk” for any length of time then you know I’m a scrapbook-addict. It is my only hobby and I love it! Last August I had the luxury of attending CKU (Creating Keepsakes University) in Utah. This is a three-day scrapbooking convention filled with classes, crops, and celebrities. (Of which, I am not one of them - I’m a mere fan.)

The only thing I was asked to do in exchange for this wonderful opportunity was to say a few words at the Thursday night, “Tailgate Party.” What I hadn’t bargained for was a leg-wrestling match with the CK Magazine founder, Lisa Bearnson. But I just couldn’t resist. She had already leg-wrestled three other people and solidly beaten them within seconds. The competitive streak in me flashed to the surface and before I knew what I was saying, I was challenging her to a leg-wrestling match right up there on the stage. I was barely on the ground before I felt myself tumble head-over-heels and I was sorely beaten. (Emphasis on “sore” the next day – what a sad commentary.)

A Blair in the life: February 2005.

February was an uneventful month for Whelchel-Cauble. Well, at least in our eyes it was. Still...

During my quiet time a couple of mornings ago I was reading the passage in Hebrews three and four about entering into God’s rest. I had just awakened from a fretful night of unrest so my interest was especially piqued. Oh nothing serious, just the normal things. Worried about my children and some of the attitudes I see sneak out of their hearts. Overwhelmed at the task before me of writing the Creative Correction Bible Study. Concerned about spending money on a new washer and dryer at the same time we are trying to finally get window treatments up in the house. Distressed over the busyness of our lives and wondering how to change that. Anxious about my cousin, Christal, who has a mysterious infection. You know, the things all of us face and then try to fix.

A Blair in the life: January 2005.

Today, we're going to post excerpts of our favorite journal entries from one Lisa Whelchel's online diary. Lisa Whelchel (née Blair from "The Facts of Life") now preaches the word of God when she's not taking care of her children, Clancy, Tucker and Haven or her husband, Steve Cauble. These excerpts are taken from entries posted in 2005. We will feature our favorite of each month.

So, without further ado, we proudly give you our first Coffee Talk excerpt from January 2005:

Tucker turned 15 last week. He had an awesome birthday party. He invited five other boys over after church on Sunday. They spent the rest of the day playing Game Cube, pool, music and cards. But from the sound of it you would have thought all they did was wrestle. The rest of the family stayed downstairs and it sounded like a herd of wild elephants upstairs. Steve and I were sure the upstairs would be in pieces whenever we dared go up there. They eventually settled down sometime in the middle of the night and yet they were up and raring to go early the next morning.

I loaded up the six boys, an ice chest, plenty of snacks and layers of clothes and headed to a fabulous paintball course in Waxahachie, Texas called “Madd Dogz.” The boys shot each other all day and I slept in the van the whole time, waking just long enough to bring them hamburgers, drinks, snacks and, of course, to take pictures. At the end of the day Tucker said it was the best birthday party he’d had all year.