Monday, July 24, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Overlooking the Necessities."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Folks, we have some disturbing news. Well, Lisa has some disturbing news. We're just the messenger...

I am, right this minute, sitting outside my hotel room, overlooking the ocean – in a sweatshirt! – and it is 70-something degrees. Yes, feel free to hate me for a moment. We are on our annual Five-Family-Vacation in California. There are 10 adults, 14 teenagers, 9 kids and one baby. I’ll write and tell you all about it next week but I’ve chosen to actually take a vacation this week so I’m going to pick up the book I’m reading again instead of writing a journal entry.

No, the disturbing news isn't that apparently the ocean is wearing a sweatshirt. It's that Lisa's on vacation this week. And for that, we do, in fact, feel free to hate her for a moment.

Don’t despair, I’m posting one of my friend, Sarah’s latest blogs.

Oh, Jesus. (We're talking about the commas.)

BTW, this sweet little blog has been nominated for a “Blogs of Beauty” award in the Motherhood category. I’ll keep you posted on how you can cast your vote for her honest and delightful, “In The Midst of It” blog as soon as I get all of the details.

Oh, Jesus. (We're talking about the comma again, BTW. And, OK, the fact that Lisa gives us no context for whatever award she's talking about.)

After you’ve read this entry, if you can sneak a few more minutes on the computer, surf on over to Sarah’s official blog site at

Oops, I better hurry up and read a couple more chapters before my afternoon nap.


Well, if there's one thing Lisa's taught us, it's to fight hellfire with hellfire. So let us waste no time in pointing out to dear Lisa that laziness, is, in fact, one of the seven deadly sins. Proverbs 6 deals with it in detail. Allow us, if you will, to quote from said verse:

How long, you sluggard, will you lie there? When will you rise from your sleep? —Proverbs 6:6

We telexed this excerpt to a Biblical expert at Oral Roberts University to understand its true meaning. The response we received was this:

Dear sir,

Thank you for your interest in Oral Roberts University. Please visit for a complete overview of the university including admissions information. We look forward to hearing from you soon.

It's not the interpretation we expected, so we'll go ahead and try to spell it out for you. In this case, Proverbs 6:6 seems to say, "Lisa, you lazy fool, when are you planning to wake up to write a new Coffee Talk entry? God's kinda bored. And so are we. And where's Casey? Sorry...


See? The Bible's mad, Lisa. It doesn't want you to nap. It wants you to wake up and work. It called you a sluggard. Are you a sluggard, Lisa? Well? Is this the example you want to set for your kids and for us? Because if it is, 1.) you should be deeply ashamed of your willing slovenliness and 2.) sorry, we already have such a role model:

Lisa, step away from the ocean, and get to work. NOW.

Anyhoots, do us a huge favor, people—don't visit Sarah's blog. It has flowers on it and this sentence: "We're meeting with the heart surgeon to schedule our daughter's open-heart surgery." Instead, use this time to reflect on the choices Lisa's made, mostly to use the Bible when it suits her and to ignore it when it doesn't.

To make up for Lisa's sluggardness, we're preparing another post. See, we'd never lapse in our devotion to marginally entertain you. We think Lisa could learn a valuable lesson from us here. Right now we have five real jobs, yet we still have the time to post. She has one fake job and feels the need to take some time off from a WEEKLY post. Pshame. God, we hope you're paying attention to this oversight and will act accordingly.


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