Monday, July 17, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion: "And Justice for All."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Want to hear the most exciting paragraph of July thus far?

It has been awhile since I simply filled you in on the little things happening in the Cauble family. I've also been collecting a lot of pictures that I've been wanting to post but they just didn't seem to fit anywhere in particular. So, let's catch up.

Yes. Please. Let's.

Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Clancy...


At the end of the school year, Clancy was in a satirical play and she had the role of "Norma Despond."


"Satirical play" + "Norma Despond" = What had to have been utter hi-larity.

She was hysterical and is completed infected with the acting bug now.

"Completed" + "infected" = definite hi-larity.

Perhaps Lisa was in a bit of a rush this week, what with the previous example and Clancy's photo caption reading "Norma Desmond" rather than "Norma Despond." Either that, or Lisa doesn't like talking about her family nearly as much as she enjoys talking about her God. Yeah, that's it.

Next?

Tucker has had the privilege of being an assistant guitar tech to a wonderful worship leader, Tommy Walker. He wrote the song, "He Knows My Name" among others. Tucker traveled with him on a couple of his worship seminar dates. Now Tucker is on tour as an assistant guitar tech/roadie/little buddy for "The Newsboys." So, as you can imagine, he thinks the rapture already occurred and he's enjoying heaven.

The Newsboys, eh? Oh, Jesus. No, really. Jesus. And obviously we're trying to get that "little buddy" image out of our mind. Lisa!

Anychrist, it looks like Tucker's a lost cause. Unless! Maybe he's trying to bring it all down from the inside. Yes, that is what we choose to believe. We are pro-choice, after all. Right, Tucker? Right? Wink wink?

Haven and Clancy have either attended or been counselors in a handful of camps this summer. Clancy even got to use her love for drama to perform the illustrated message each night for the kids' camp this year. It is so fun to see her blossom. Right now, she is in Peru on a missions' trip with Focus on the Family where she is especially enjoying the street drama evangelism.

Clearly we have no idea what the fuck any of that prattle is about. We do, however, recognize a few familiar words: Focus on the Family. It's an organization dedicated to spreading homophobic, "pro-life," anti-divorce propaganda. Anyone who would let her child be part of such a group is cleary not interested in her or any family, as we suspected above.

Here's the world's tiniest photo of Clancy and friends ruining Peru. Or, as we like to call it, Peruining.



During the summer break we have also been able to find time for a few "day camps." Haven, and her friend, Emily, took sewing classes for a week. Clancy, and her friend, Madison, went to a "scrapbook camp." I'm so excited because now I can pull out my old sewing machine and serger for Haven to use and Clancy can go with me on the occasional scrapbook retreat!

Well, at least we know that the JoAnn's in East Texas aren't in any danger of going out of business soon. Oh, and for those of you who don't know what a serger is, this is a serger...



We don't know what it does, but we're going to make an educated guess that it was responsible for breaking the Da Vinci Code.

And how many fuckin' camps does Texas have? Sheesh. Clearly this is just another example of Lisa getting the kids out of the house because she doesn't like them very much. Notice how Clancy will only be asked on the "occasional" scrapbooking retreat.

Ah, yes. Sealing the deal, a mere six paragraphs into this week's Coffee Talk entry, ostensibly about her family, Lisa kicks into her much more comfortable "me" mode:

One of the highlights of the summer for me was attending the Southern Baptist Convention for an appearance and book signing along with most of the other LifeWay authors. I admire each of these women so very much and it was a privilege to enjoy a "slumber party" at a beautiful bed and breakfast with plenty of food and laughter - two of my favorite things.



Yeah, we're sure a "slumber party" with these gals was a real hoot. And what's a sister doing there??? Girl, if you can see your reflection in 94% of the party's hair, you're in the wrong place.

OK, it's about to get really good. Well, good.

Of course, the summer has also been full of interviews and speaking engagements. I had the opportunity to meet a fellow Texan, Lou Diamond Phillips, when I made a guest appearance on "Good Morning, Texas" while promoting my latest book, "Taking Care of the 'Me' in Mommy."

We hesitate to share the photo right now, as we'd ideally like you to be surprised when you receive our Christmas card. But we can't wait...


It doesn't get much more celebcraptastic than that. And did Lisa and the curtains call each other beforehand to coordinate? And we're also gla...

Um.

Hm.

OK. There's more to that, but we just read something so alarming in the next paragraph that we have to address it immediately. It's that important.

If you thought the Lou Diamond Phillips business was good (and we did—who doesn't like a little LDP?), you'd better sit down.

Ready?

No, really.

O-K:

The Fourth of July holiday was so fun and relaxing. My brother, Casey, (although, now that he is married he wants to go by his first name, Justice, so I have to start making that adjustment)...

...

...

...

...

OK. We're honestly going to step away from the computer right now, maybe go get some sun, think about the choices we've made and return when we're ready to deal with this.



We're back.

Yes.

"JUSTICE"???????????????????????????????????????????

1.) Surely Lisa's again in "I hate talking about the family when there's so much Christ to go around" mode and meant to type "Justin." Surely. SURELY.

2.) If by some miniscule chance the above is not true (and we can't believe it isn't), ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND, CASEY?

3.) CASEY???????

4.) Who the fuck names their baby BOY, "Justice"? This looks like a woman to us...



4b.) Yeah, we know: the same people who spawned Lisa Whelchel.

OK. So, right now we kind of feel like we have to go back and retool this CTC post solely to cover this one bombshell because we are totally that floored. Unfortunately we're not getting paid by the hour. Or at all. So we're going to leave it as is. But, please, please, please understand that we really aren't taking this lightly. Honestly. How can we be expected to refer to this...



...as "Justice"?

We cannot. And, much more importantly, how can we make fun of someone named "Justice" when he looks like this?



We cannot.

Eh, fine, we can. But it's going to be rilly hard. Right...

?

Bah ha ha ha ha!

In all seriousness, folks, as much as we're disturbed by the above information (it's truly life-changing for this Casey enthusiast), we have to move on. Otherwise we could be here forever. Could you imagine?

So...

Lisa finally puts us out of our misery by finishing her family post with more Christian crap she did, followed by this...

Well, that just about brings us up to date.

"Us"??? No detailed mention of the husband, Steve (though we're guessing he smartly put the kibosh on his being included in these rants) plus a passing, totally confusing mention of the kids, all broken up by 12 Christmillion paragraphs about her, makes us think that "I" would be an infinitely more appropriate pronoun here.

Hopefully, I'll have some more pictures from Clancy and Tucker's trips to post in the future.

Filler.

I'm sitting here in the Des Moines airport attempting to go standby in order to get home a bit earlier than expected. We leave on our family vacation in a couple of days so I really do need to get home and get caught up on the laundry.


Well, we can't WAIT to hear about the family vacation, about which we're obviously wondering if any of the family is actually invited. Including...



BAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Finally...

I hope your summer is fun and fulfilling and relaxing and, somehow, not speeding by quite as quickly as mine feels. Although, I'm guessing you are probably feeling the same way I am about now. I love the summer and don't want it to end, but I'm beginning to feel the yearning for a schedule and for things to settle into a groove again. Until next week…

We'll be waiting with baited breath. Mostly because we'll be trying to kill ourselves.

9 Comments:

Blogger Willo said...

Re: The Blair Necessities.

I may be in love with you.

That, I will no longer be able to say "And Justice for all" or "Let Justice be served" without giggling and thinking of hot naked "Beautiful Baby Brother."

July 17, 2006  
Blogger Shawn said...

Thanks for a fan-tastic site!

You do an excellent job dissecting Lisa's bizarre (and egocentric) entries.

Thanks so much!!!

July 17, 2006  
Anonymous Superfag said...

I think we should form our own Justice League...

July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How dare anyone pervert the rich queerness of DRAMA by using it to promote Focus on the Family?! Theatre has been a hallowed homosexual haunt since 534 BC. Lisa Whelchel, you piece of FILTH!

I'm so glad dykey Jo Polnachek broke your Bee Gees watch.

Oh, and a serger is an industrial sewing maching that uses three needles to sew fabric in such a way that it doesn't fray or unravel. Take a look at the inside seam of your t-shirt: That's what a serger does.

July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How very, very sad. To think that you spend countless hours tearing down another person, who, by the way, has done absolutely nothing to you personally, is so unbelievably pathetic that I truly feel very sorry for you. You are mean and hateful, and for all the terrible things that you have to say about Lisa, how many unkind things has she said to you? Life is too short, and you are wasting yours.

July 18, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"...has done absolutely nothing to you personally..."

Except prevent me from getting married to my same-sex partner.

July 19, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My mind is blown right now. Worlds have collided. I'm not sure what to do or where to go. Justice is Janet's name in that Maya Angelou poetry movie. I can't believe that's Beautiful Baby Brother's real name.

July 19, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree with the first anonymous above. Your hatred of Lisa Whelchel is illogical and baseless, unless she did some horrible, unforgivable thing to you in the past (took your boyfriend?)

I have met a few people who have met Lisa, and their first response is that she is truly a sweet, loving person. She may not be Poe or Dickens, but she is a published author (which you would not be able to claim except for the Internet, which allows anyone to become a published author.) If you have a beef with Lisa, why don't you approach her with it one on one. Else, shut your stupid trap. You sound like a stalker.

December 12, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well I have a very good reason for my hatred of her. I don't agree with everything that is said on this web site, but it's a relief to find people who don't think Lisa Whelchel is this wonderful little homeschooling angel, either. I was once actually a fan of hers until I learned of her beliefs about "hot saucing" and read her horrible book, "Creative Correction." She actually uses the Lord's name to advocate forcing children to run through manure barefooted in addition to countless other abusive practices. What could possibly be sicker than a person advocating child abuse in the name of Jesus Christ? And you think she's so holier-than-thou and wonderful? Open your eyes, for crying out loud! The woman actually took pictures of her husband after he fell off the roof and broke both arms and a leg, and posted his entire hospital stay on the damned Internet!!! Not only is the woman abusive, you can clearly see from "Creative Correction" that she's a control freak, and from "Daddy's Fall From The Roof" in her scrapbook, she will use any and all possible excuses to try and get in the media and be the center of attention again. That's the entire problem with so many fellow Christians. They support child abuse and people who inflict it on their children because they're scared to death that if they consider something else, it'll be too "mainstream" and it'll immediately make them athiests. "Creative Correction" and the incident with Steve on the roof are just a couple of examples, but the entire point is, Lisa Whelchel has been bitterly unhappy ever since the NBC studio lights of "The Facts of Life" went out in 1988 and before she could take another breath, she was a nameless pregnant housewife of a pastor in suburban Texas. Since then, she's been using any and all excuses from Clancy eating a popsicle at the wrong time to Haven telling a fib to use all kinds of mean, embarrassing child-rearing methods to vent her frustration at her unfulfilled life on them and get her revenge on them for daring to be born and force her permenantly into a boring life in Suburbia. Now she will use any excuse, even Steve's fall off a roof, to try and get the spotlight back. She craves it. She hates herself for ever leaving it and becoming a housewife and having three kids. She has punished her kids endlessly for merely existing, and I just hope and pray to God that when Tucker, Haven, and Clancy finally do escape Whelchel, they can somehow find the emotional freedom and healing that they've been needing all their lives. I am a Christian, but God forgive me, I truly hate Lisa Whelchel for abusing her children and actually encouraging other parents to do it in the name of Jesus Christ. She owes God an apology for this horrible injustice to His name, first and foremost, and definitely to her children, as well as her readers for trying influence them in such horrible ways. Not to mention her fans who once believed that she was a genuine Christian who would never hurt her children.

May 16, 2008  

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