Monday, August 28, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Blog!"

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

This week, Lisa goes on and on—and on and on—about blogging. Oooh, a blog about a blog—how original, Lisa.

I have received multiple emails over the last few months from people who have been inspired by my friend, Sarah’s, blog. Not only, inspired by what she has written, but just the fact that she writes a blog. Apparently, blogging is somewhat contagious. Have you caught it? Do you want to?

First of all, Lisa, we're going to start charging you $5 for every extraneous comma you use. Why? Well, because we care and because we're broke. Allow us to fix just the first sentence of the above paragraph:

I have received multiple emails over the last few months from people who have been inspired by my friend Sarah’s blog.

See? Easy. No commas necessary.

And, yes, we have clearly caught the blogging disease, Lisa. How else would you know that you owe us $4,350 in back payment?

My husband sent me a link to another friend’s blog a few weeks ago. I didn’t get around to reading it until 4:00 this morning. (I couldn’t sleep so I got caught up on a ton of old emails.) I was so inspired! Not only by what my friend, DeeDee, wrote but it was so good to feel connected with her and her family again.

That's another $10, Whelchel. And we're going to levy a $25 tax on that last sentence because it's just so horrifically constructed. Maybe next time you're up at four in the morning, before you start reading DeeDee's blog, you'll pay a little visit to Messrs. Strunk and White. Deal?

Oh, and we can't quite come to terms with someone actually being named DeeDee. We thought that was just a noise you make when you don't know the words to the song.

Blogging is a wonderful opportunity for so many reasons. It is a terrific outlet for creativity. I am always blown away by Sarah’s writing talent and I’ve now discovered DeeDee’s gift, as well. You may think you don’t have any time to read blogs, much less, write one. I know; I feel the same way! But, take it from me, you really won’t look back and regret the time you spent cultivating relationships and blogging is one of the best ways to nurture friendships here in the 21st century.

Jesus. We lost count on that paragraph somewhere around the semicolon. Can you imagine? A semicolon! Eh. We'll just call it $45 for the whole paragraph. We think that's quite generous of us. But we will have to throw in a bitch slap for "here in the 21st century." Sorry.

Think of it, I have only had a chance to see my friend, DeeDee, and her family, a handful of times since they moved from California.

$600. No questions.

It would be so easy to lose touch with these priceless friends. Now, every time I can’t sleep, I can catch up with her whole family.

Because, really, calling them during the day is just too much trouble. Especially here in the 21st century.


Inevitably, Lisa begins talking about her own blog now. Frankly we're surprised she let four paragraphs pass before a Coffee Talk mention. She's usually so selfish.

As far as writing a blog yourself, let me just say this. If I had started writing my journal entries for “Coffee Talk” five years ago, I would have simply called it my “Blog!” Because, that is essentially what it is.

OK. We've tried to wrap our head around this bit of info several times in several ways now, and we still can't quite make sense of it. Why would Lisa have called her blog "Blog!" instead of "Coffee Talk" five years ago? Sure, the Internet has evolved greatly over the past five years, but we're pretty sure the words "coffee" and "talk" have been in rotation since, well, let's see...

cof‧fee: [Origin: 1590–1600; <>caffè <>kahve <>qahwah]

talk: [Origin: 1175–1225; ME talk(i)en to converse, speak, deriv. (with -k suffix) of tale speech, discourse, tale; c. Fris (E dial.) talken]

Yeah. A long time.

Let me be honest for a minute. There is rarely a week that I “have time” to write. I make time for two reasons. One – you. I want to be dependable, I don’t want to be flakey. It is also hard for me to experience something, good or bad, without thinking about telling you all about it. For some reason, sharing my life with you, gives me the double pleasure – living it and reliving it with a friend.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, so Lisa's doing us a favor by keeping a "Blog!" She truly has lost all perspective on reality, hasn't she? Honestly. Especially since she's worried about merely not being flaky (the preferred spelling). You know, it must be nice to meander through life without feeling any responsibility to notice things for what they really are. Or aren't. Well, we can only hope Lisa notices that, at this point, she really owes us $95.

I also blog for my children. If I didn’t have a commitment to journal every week, I wouldn’t do it. By having an appointment with you every Monday morning, it makes me disciplined to do something that I want to do, but I wouldn’t do on my own. I want my children to know about me and our life as a family when they grow up. I haven’t had time to scrapbook since February, but I can sit down at the computer once a week and pour out my thoughts for you and my kids.

Again, Lisa fails to show up for her appointment with reality here. The topic sentence of this paragraph is "I also blog for my children." When we finish laughing hysterically, we'll fix this sentence so it reads correctly. One sec.


Here's the sentence as it should read:

I also blog about my children.

We've always been told to say what we mean. Sometimes it's difficult when one is having, say, a heated discussion and the words come out before there's time to finesse them. When writing, however, there's no need to be hasty. Meaning, there's time to construct the words so they mean what you want to say.

Unless, of course, you are so far removed from normality that you don't have any idea what you're talking about.

Why do we even try? That'll be $50, Lisa, for momentarily causing us to attempt to make sense of your "Blog!"

I bet you have similar reasons that you might consider blogging. Do you have friends and family in another city? Do you have friends and family in the same city but you simply don’t have time to fill them in on your life and your reflections on your life! Would you like to have a record of your life today to share with your kids in the future? You don’t have to write a novel, or something deeply inspirational, or a comedic monologue. Just share your heart. You would be surprised how many people you will bless just by opening up your life for others to see.

You would be surprised, Lisa, how many people we have blessed by opening up your life for others to see. Like, seven or eight.

I did a quick search on “Creating a Blog” for you, just in case, you might consider it, after reading this journal entry-slash-blog.

OOOOOOOK. We get it now. Lisa's confused about, besides the two unnecessary commas in the above sentence ($10), what a blog is. Let's clear this up for her:

Each Coffee Talk entry is not a "journal entry-slash-blog." It is a journal entry on your blog, Lisa. Sorry, "Blog!" The "Blog!" is the entire journal made up of entries, posts, comedic monologues etc.

Lisa, shouldn't one know what one is preaching before preaching it to others?


I really don’t know anything about any of these sites but you can check them out and see if any might work for you.

Okay, I’m getting off of my soap box now. Before I leave, I would like to share one of my favorite blog entries of DeeDee. Enjoy.

Before we leave, we'd like to point out that "soapbox" is one word. That'll be $10, making the grand total of this Coffee Talk entry $165. Please remit payment to our PayPal account. Thanx.

Obviously we're not going to bore you with DeeDee's "Blog!" entry.

OK, fine. We'll give you the title:

A Fish Called Lucky By DeeDee

Keep in mind that that was written by a woman Lisa's age. And then completely get it out of your mind before it begins eating away at important parts of your brain. Like the parts that have already been compromised in Lisa and DeeDee's brains.

Until next time, we remain your humble Coffee Talk conduit. Thank you for reading our "Blog!"


Anonymous Anonymous said...

that was awesome.

August 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Okay, first:

You would be surprised how many people you will bless just by opening up your life for others to see.

According to "Lisa on Homosexuality," I suspect that Lisa would greatly discourage me from "opening up [my] life for others to see." In fact, I believe that she'd prefer that I keep it "closed" -- ideally in a closet.

And perhaps "Blog!" is an attempt at meta-theatricalism? Or maybe the upcoming musical version of "Coffee Talk?" It sounds like FringeNYC material to me...

August 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i don't think i could ever stomach Lisa's "Blog!" However, this one makes me laugh out loud. In fact, I wake up the napping DOG, I laugh so loud sometimes. Thank you. Your "Blog!" rocks!

August 30, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Could you get to work on "Blog!": The Musical? Pronto, please.

August 30, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

did you know the lady lisa is a member of a movie censor ship group and they will not recomend any film that has two men kissing or even two men hugging.

go to the website and check it out. but lisa knows jesus, and lisa kicks ass, so i guess lisa is right.

jack e. jett

September 03, 2006  

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