Monday, July 31, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion: "The Lazy Ways of Summer."

Wethinks the Whelchel is messing with us. Much like last week, this week Lisa elected not to write a proper journal entry. Instead, she posted lyrics to a song written by her friends in honor of their annual California vacation. So lazy!

(Question: does God take morning devotions seriously when done on patio furniture and in close proximity to a tube of sunscreen?)

The good news? The song is a gem. AND there are oodles of photos. We'll give Lisa one more week to redeem herself. For now, let's begin, shall we?

The post is entitled "LifeNet Vacation" which leads us to believe this annual vacation is called LifeNet Vacation. It's already vaguely Christ-y and we haven't gotten to the body of the text! Ah, the passion of the Whelchel. We'll let her explain what's about to happen:

This week’s journal entry would be so much better served as a scrapbook layout.

We're 147% sure that's already in the works. Sorry...

The pictures really do tell the better story. If you’ve been joining me for these weekly “cups of coffee” for any length of time then you know that every summer we meet at Mandalay Beach in California with four other families to vacation. This has been a tradition for over ten years. And this tradition is full of traditions! It is so funny to see the kids, no matter how old and cool they get, cling to each and every tradition, unwilling to forsake even the smallest one.

This year, our friends, the Steadmans, wrote a special song to celebrate another year of making lifelong memories with lifetime friends. They pretty much summed it all up in this little diddy, so I’m simply going to post the song with tons of pictures for accompaniment.

Too bad we won't get piano accompaniment. We'd LOVES to hear how this song goes. You know, we're going to write our own music and have the song for you in the next The Blair Necessities podcast*. Awesome.

Oh, and from here on, the Steadmans will be referred to as the "Steadmen."

So, here's the Steadmen's vacation-themed ditty, entitled, as any good song about going somewhere where no one can tell you what to do should be, "Everybody Ought to Know."

Everybody Ought to Know

Everybody ought to know
Everybody ought to know
Everybody ought to know
How Lifenet began


Are we sure Lisa didn't write this—it's so bossy! And we're so glad we know this is the chorus and that we're supposed to repeat it. Seriously, "(repeat)" is killing us.

Here's one of the pics that follows the chorus.

We're going to repeat.

We're not surprised at the amount of white clothing being featured at something called a LifeNet Vacation. But we are concerned about the amount of black clothing. Our only explanation is that it's all navy blue.

Verse One
Steadmans hosted on Sundays
Clarks and Mullens, Caubles too
Babes would nap and parents prayed
Then we all ate potluck food

OOOOOOH—how we HATE slant rhyme. Hate, hate, hate. Especially with a word as easy to rhyme as "too." Watch and learn, Steadmen:

Verse One
Steadmans hosted on Sundays
Clarks and Mullens, Caubles too
Babes would nap and parents prayed
Then we all went to the zoo

So what if it's not true? It's all about the rhyme. Especially as the two photos that follow this verse are of a cake...

and Lisa and her friends at a...wait for it...Starbucks.

No visual evidence of naps, potluck, babes, etc.. Clearly accuracy is not an issue.


Verse one, continued:

Church then can-celled our Lifenet
Mullens planned a trip to Man-da-lay
Clarks and Stead-mans joined them
Thus began our annual “Play”

Was there a "Get $1,000 Every Time You Hit the Hyphen Key" contest going on during the typing of this verse? Jesus. (Yes, we realize that's the most labored "joke" we've ever made. We had a rough weekend. Someone stole our latest Cat Fancy.)

Speaking of Jesus, did the Steadmen themselves take a separate fucking car? Jesus!

Second verse, same as the first: terrible.

Verse Two
Caubles joined the second year
Jove’s joined along the way
Mullens, Caubles moved to Texas
Now we’re spread out everywhere

Apparently even slant rhyming was too difficult, so rhyming was forsaken all together. Unless "everywhere" in Texas is pronounced "every-hay," which it may be. The only time we've been to Texas we covered our ears. And eyes.

Oh, look! It's daddy!

Phew. Safe on the ground. And looking as 37 78 55 as ever.

San Diego & Hawaii
Celebrating ten great years
Boardwalk, beach, and dinner picnics
We look forward to all year

Apparently even writing four lines was too difficult, so a three-line stanza was instituted. No wonder Lisa is friends with the Steadmen—it's a giant consortium of laziness. At this point we're going to have to renege on our promise to create music for this song. It would be an impossible task. No worries—we've already faxed it to space Bjork.

And yes, we realize we're not talking about anything actually contained in the verses, but we're also respectful enough to realize you're not retarded. Instead, enjoy Our Handsome Honey Tucker in a tank-top:

(Just so you know, Casey...shit...Justice was not present.)

Verse Three
Mandalay is where we’ll be
This is sure the life for me
Surf’en – Swim’en– pool and fun
Twenty-three kids on the run

We'll be here for hours if we began to talk about whatever's go'en on in this verse. We'll just say that even though we're back to four lines and a rhyme scheme was reinstituted (albeit a rhyme scheme inconsistent with the initial rhyme scheme), it's beginning to become clear that each verse is basically just a repetition of the lack of information in previous verses. Which makes us wonder if the Steadmen are smarter than we think—playing around with structure to distract us from the fact that they are telling us nothing whatsoever.

Nah, they're just lazy. Like Lisa. Lazy Lisa.

OK. It's fine to wear the tablecloth every so often. Lord knows we've done it after a long night of body shots off Lance Bass. But there comes a day when it's no longer appropriate to don the blouse Clancy made for you when she was four. Just say'en.

Carrying on...

Capistranos - Happy Hour
Twinkle Time and Parent Night
Flashlight hunts and Sunset Meals
More Somores & Sleepen’ overs

We'll just go ahead and assume this is the title of Fiona Apple's newest record and be done with it.

The next 4 million verses are just lists of names of the people who attended (no mention is made if it's voluntary or not) this LifeNet gathering. We'll just list our favorite names:


Fine. Favorite. It's unclear in the pics which one is Statia, unfortunately. We're guessing she's always the one standing still. (Sorry. GIVE US BACK OUR CAT FANCY!)

Lisa does provide us with these two photos:

We can't decide what we love more, Lisa's "funny" face or the helpful captions. Hmmm.

OK. We decided. It's the homoeroticism.

Verse Six
I’m in Lifenet – how ‘bout you?
Do you do the things we do?
We sang our song and took you through
Now you know this Lifenet too

No, we're not in LifeNet. Our invitiation must've gotten lost in the mail. Thanks for rubbing it in, Steadmen. Let's just say, Steadmen, not to expect to be mentioned in the song about our upcoming 52-week-long VodkaNet.

Now this song will finally end

Thanks god.

Now just join in with a friend
Everybody ought to know (repeat)
How our Life-net began
(how our Life-net began)!

We're pretty sure we've alienated all our friends thanks to this post, so, unfortunately, we won't be joining in with a friend. There is one photo, however, that nicely sums up how we feel about knowing how LifeNet began:

OK, Lisa, you have one more week to prove to us you're still in this for the long haul. No more linking to other blogs. No more songs by Steadmen. We want the real stuff, lady. Otherwise, we're letting loose the dogs of summer...

You take too much of the good, you're gonna have to take a little of the bad...

Have a good week.

*Obviously we're kidding. Isn't it enough we spent 17 years of our life learning to play the piano? We don't have any capacity left for learning how to create a podcast. That said, if someone would like to set one up for us, we'll be happy to participate.


Blogger Cella Bella said...

"More Somores & Sleepen’ overs"
SO my favorite part.
I guess you don't have to love punctuation to love Jesus. Or grammar or spelling. I mean, spell'ens.

Please find out what Twinkle Time is. I hope it's just like I imagine it.

July 31, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I usually entertained with my ventriloquist puppet.

This is supposed to be The Facts of Life, not Gimme a Break.

September 08, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

At least Lisa allowed herself to be photographed without makeup, without the hair, with glasses on, looking exactly like a mid 40s woman ought to look, with the frown and the baggy throat thing beginning. At last - the real Lisa. We all get older. How we deal with it is how we define it. Trying to remain a teenager through it only makes us look silly.

December 14, 2007  

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