Friday, September 08, 2006

Lisa on...UFOs and Sci-Fi.

For some reason, a parent saw fit to write Lisa to ask her how to handle his/her son's fascination with UFOs:

Dear Lisa,

My ten-year-old son has a fascination with UFOs and space aliens. I know partly this is a boy thing, but I'm concerned about the occult and I'm not sure the best way to talk to him about this topic to steer him away from his fascination. Any advice?

For some reason, Lisa saw fit to respond.

Just this morning as I was reading Randy Alcorn’s book entitled, “Heaven,” I came across the following line, “God has built into us the longing to see the wonders of his far-flung creation. The popularity of science fiction reflects that longing. Visiting a Star Trek convention demonstrates how this –like anything else-can become a substitute religion, but the fervor points to a truth: We do possess a God-given longing to know a greater intelligence and to explore what lies beyond our horizons.”

So, science-fiction is evil because people can develop a nearly religious devotion to it. Which is in no way relative to, say, someone developing a nearly religious devotion to chain restaurants. But it's ultimately OK to want to know what's out in the universe because God gave us that sense of wonder. Alas, curiousity about and devotion to earthly things, like science fiction, is not OK, but the same feelings for otherworldly things are because God is responsible for that kind of wonder. Is that correct? Hmmmm.

You know what can clear this all up? Besides The Elements of Style? The Bible, of course!

The Bible says, “For by him [Jesus] all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him.” Colossians 1:16 ESV

Well, and maybe it's just us, but Colossians sound like space aliens to us. Just sayin'.

I have no idea if there is life on other planets; but if there is, then how in the world did the devil get credit for it? I’ll tell you how, he’s a thief. Can you think of one good thing God has created that the devil hasn’t attempted to steal, plagiarize, sully or copy? He puts his own sinister spin on it, leaving just enough truth to draw us in, in an effort to entangle us with his lies.

Speaking of the devil, what the devil is she talking about??? Did we miss something, or is it just assumed in Lisa's adulterated branch of Christianity that the devil is responsible for aliens, should they exist? So, just to get our bearings, we've gone in four short paragraphs from a parent asking what to do about his/her son's UFO fascination (which, incidentally, has nothing to do with the occult, something Lisa might have chosen to clear up as long as she was giving advice) to Lisa complaining that the devil steals everything from God. Perfect!

The universe and all that is within it is no exception. Satan is aware of the fact that “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.” Psalm 19:1 The Devil realizes that man will be drawn to explore the skies, even if only in their imaginations. That scares him to death. He knows the Creator is behind the creation so he had to come up with a plan to divert and distract. Enter UFOs, space aliens, extra-terrestrials and anything else that draws our attention away from worshiping God, the logical response to gazing upon His infinite wonders.

Ohhhhhhhhhh. In this paragraph which follows (?) the one above, she explains. Well, "explains" insomuchas she tells us what the devil has to do with any of this. So, not only do UFOs, space aliens and extraterrestrials (which are NOT space aliens, apparently) exist, but Satan's responsible for them. Wow. That's some intense theorizing.

Here’s an idea. What do you think about investing in a fairly advanced telescope, a few illustrated books on astronomy, and maybe even a video teaching or summer camp that focuses more on the science and less on the fiction? Allow that God-given curiosity in your son to draw him into a deeper appreciation for the awesomeness of His heavenly Father, the true Father of the Heavens.

A "fairly advanced telescope"? That is too much. What does Lisa Whelchel know about telescopes? What's a fairly advanced telescope to a woman who stopped for Chik-fil-A before visiting her newly admitted father in the hospital? We think it's pretty safe to say, as evidenced by this specific example and by the entire response, that she knows not of what she speaks. Except for the part about summer camps. She's an EXPERT at places to store children for extended periods of time. Allow us, then, to formulate how Lisa, as a responsible and sensitive adult, should have responded to the initial query:

Dear sir/ma'am,

I am not qualified to answer your question, but I do have pamphlets on approximately 3,284 summer camps.


See? Easy and harmless We'd never answer a question regarding, say, a recipe for a bundt cake because we have no idea how to bake anything. We don't think Lisa should be answering questions about UFOs unless, of course, it's about the one that's going to take her home.

That is all. We have to go check out if the hot guy across the street is home yet. Our fairly advanced telescope is aimed and ready. Cheers!


Blogger Kara said...

HA! she said science. Clearly the devil is at play in the Fields of the Whelchel.

September 08, 2006  
Anonymous Emily said...

I love the idea of a cute little 'scared to death' Satan. Aaaww, poor Satan! He's scared to death!
"Enter UFOs, space aliens..." Enter aliens. Hmm. Maybe I will. That might be fun. Wait, I'm a girl. That wouldn't work mechanically. I'll have to try something else.
Hey Satan, I know that you're 'scared to death,' but please stop sullying stuff. Jeez, you just go around sullying everything.
--Sent here by Zero Boss.
Damn, you rock. This concept is so postmodern.

September 08, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is the best blog in the universe.

September 09, 2006  
Blogger katie schwartz said...

that blaire sure is a sensible and wise one, isn't she?!

you know she has a pvt line to god, right? god sends her in the closet with her ipod so he can talk to her. she journaled about it a few months ago.

it's nice to see that jesus is finally throwing the right people in the closet.

loving your blogs hard. got this link via :)

September 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just buy the kid a ouija board.

September 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

While as a Christian, I definitely disagree with some things that are said here, I do agree with you all that Whelchel is nuts!!! Taking pictures of her husband falling off the roof and the ambulances arriving for him and posting his entire hospital stay on the Internet, telling Christian parents to be abusive to their kids in the name of Christ when we all know she only did it because she was getting her own petty revenge at her poor kids for being born and taking her away from that beloved Hollywood spotlight she loves and misses so much, and now saying the devil is behind interests in UFOs and extra-terrestrials?????? Gimme a break! (As "Jo" would've said.) Dang! Speaking as a Christian, I believe Christians can enjoy a good sci-fi flick and it doesn't have to mean the devil had anything to do with it! Goodness gracious, Lisa! Apologize for abusing your kids and advocating it in the Lord's name; admit that you've felt unhappy and unfulfilled ever since you left the spotlight and ended up a nameless pregnant housewife in Suburbia and admit that that was what fueled your sick pictures of your husband's fall off the roof and all these stupid book and speaking tours; stop trying to use "Facts" and Christianity to gain the spotlight again, because guess what? IT AIN'T WORKIN'!!! Just admit that you want to act again, come clean with all of this on Oprah or something and I'm sure that'll get you plenty of attention. Oh, and another couple of things: sci-fi can be fun and entertaining and have nothing to do with the devil, so loosen up on that and start acting like a normal human being for once, and finally, MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE!!! Face facts, sister. You've been trying to regain the spotlight by living in the past, and your old claim to fame with "Facts" has been overkill for about a hundred years now. And in our secular world, sorry, but Christian speaking tours aren't going to be enough to do it. But if you just tell everybody the truth and fess up to the fact that you abused your kids because you resented them and ask everybody's forgiveness and do the sensible thing and make a fresh start, you might actually get somewhere.

May 16, 2008  

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