Sunday, September 10, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Spake as a Child."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

The Coffee Talk entry this week is entitled "Saga of a Child Star," to which we say...


Of course, in true Whelchel fashion, such an enticing morsel is immediately ruined by, you guessed it, God.

Proverbs 27:7 says, "He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet."

Yeah, we're sure if you unscramble that it makes sense, but we hardly have the strength to decode Lisa's own ramblings.

I read this Bible verse the other day and realized, "That's It!" That is the answer to the question I get all of the time, especially from the media. I'm so often asked, "How come your life turned out so much differently than the typical child star." I actually love this question because it is the perfect set up for me to inoffensively share my testimony.

Memo to anyone interviewing Lisa Whelchel: please do NOT ask her "How come your life turned out so much differently than the typical child star." Thanx.

I simply explain that, in my opinion, it is because we are all born with an emptiness inside. (I don’t go into all of this but I believe that emptiness is there because of the separation between us and our Creator that happened when man first disobeyed and sin entered the world.)

You take the good, you take the sad, eh? Geez. Isn't it enough that we're all born with a creepy umbilical cord attached to our stomachs? Now we have to accept that we're all born with emptiness, too? No, no, no. Our emptiness set in when mom gave away our McDonald's Great Muppet Caper souvenir glasses without telling us.

I was fortunate because when I was a little girl I asked Jesus to come into my heart and fill that emptiness by restoring my relationship with God, my heavenly Father. When I moved to Hollywood a few years later, I was satisfied, content, full. I wasn’t looking for something to fill me up.

Yeah, imagine how we felt when we were looking for something to fill up our Great Muppet Caper souvenir glasses and couldn't find them to save our life.

Most child stars have the money, freedom, access, and opportunity to go down any path looking for something to fill them up. We know that most of those paths end in destruction. I am so grateful to God that this verse was Truth in my life. Because I was full, of Jesus, I was not hungry for the honey the world had to offer.

"Because I was full, of Jesus,..."??? First of all, it's the attack of the fucking commas again. Seriously, if Jesus wanted to really do Lisa a favor, he'd rip that damn comma key off Lisa's laptop. Actually, he'd just rip off Lisa's laptop. But, if Lisa has taught us anything, it's not to be greedy with Jesus. Wait, that's not right. She's totally greedy with Jesus. She's full, of him.


We just threw up in our mouths a little.



My heart goes out to current and former child stars, in particular. They are so hungry, that even what is bitter, even that which they see in the lives of those around them doesn’t satisfy, even those things taste sweet to someone who is starving. Starving for unconditional love, forgiveness, purpose beyond fame and fortune.

We're sure those child stars thank you for your unsolicited...caring, Lisa. But, quite frankly, where were you and Jesus when poor Jodie Sweetin was carving "Michelle was really two people!!!!!!!!" into her skin after a particularly bad meth-induced haze?


I consider it the mercy of God who called me to Himself before He sent me as light into a dark place. By the time I broke into show business at the age of 12, foundational issues were already settled in my life. My identity wasn’t as an actress; it was as a child of God. Therefore, when my television show ended, I wasn’t devastated, wondering who I was and where I was going. I knew that my Father, the King, had even greater things in store for my future.

For the love of fucking god, we honestly thought we might get some dirt on Nancy McKeon's on-set behavior or Tootie's ultimately enormous breasts, but now all we're getting is Lisa trying to tell us her father was Elvis. It's never enough, Lisa, is it? Sheesh.

I didn’t move to Los Angeles to become famous, I was simply obeying God’s call in my life. That made losing that fame easier. I knew that I was to simply obey God’s call for the next season of my life. The money might not be as good, but the benefits would still be more than worth answering the call.

OK, so now she's celebrity Tom Joad. Honestly. Can we get some dirt here????????

I can honestly say that my life has just gotten better and better. Heck, it started out good – I was born in Texas, for goodness sakes!

No, we can't. All we can get is the hilarious occurrence of "good" and "Texas" in the same sentence. God bless her.

I had a wonderful childhood and I met Jesus as a child. What a merciful God to spare me from having a dramatic conversion testimony! Then I discovered acting and found the talents God invested in me and wanted me to reinvest.

Wow. You know, the only celeb we remember meeting as a child was Potsie from Happy Days in the Ft. Lauderdale airport. Which, if we use Lisa's method of reasoning, totally explains why we're 30 and broke. If only we, too, had met Jesus, we could have totally played the black best friend on Punky Brewster. God damn it, Jesus. Thanks for not being on that plane.

Anyone who remembers discovering their gifts and what an impact that encounter has on their self-confidence and purpose knows what an impact this revelation can have on a child. My life was set on the path of the next season of my journey.

Yeah. Pilot season.

Next, I moved to California to become a Mouseketeer on Walt Disney’s “New Mickey Mouse Club.”

Can you imagine getting paid to sing and dance and ride on giant mouse ears down Main Street in Disneyland. God is a good God!

God would be a fucking awesome God if he had made CNN play one of Lisa's puppet shows in real time today rather than that 9/11 coverage (which we have on DVD, thank you very much, CNN).

(Thanks to David at Seattle's The Stranger for digging this most outstanding pic up.)

From there I was cast as “Blair” on “The Facts of Life.” Once again, an embarrassment of riches in so many ways. I had the privilege of going to work every day with three girls who were like sisters and we laughed all day – and got paid for it. If that isn’t evidence of a good God, during seasons 7 & 8 the produces hired George Clooney to join the cast. Now, that is evidence of a good God – and an awesome Creator!!

Well, as much as this totally keeeeeeeeeels us, we kind of have to agree with Whelchel here. Clooney is one of maybe three-and-a-half celebrities we have a semblance of respect for. And he was totes dreamy during his stint at Over Our Heads!

However, we can't totally put our endorsement behind the "awesome Creator!!" tag because if God were truly an "awesome Creator!!" he would never have created Al Gore who would have never created the Internet which would never have given Lisa Whelchel the opportunity to infect the world with asinine phrases like "awesome Creator!!" Memo to Jesus: whilst you're ripping the comma key off Lisa's keyboard, go ahead and get rid of "shift" key and the 1 key. Danke.

After the show went off the air, I immediately got married and had three children within three years.


Sorry. It's just exciting to see daddy. Even when he's not falling off the roof.


Over the next ten years, I was a pastor’s wife and homeschooling mother. Five years ago, I wrote my first book, which launched the current season of my life, writing books and speaking.

And speaking and speaking and speaking and speaking and speaking.

So there, in a nutshell, the course of my life, thus far.

Oh, nice. A haiku.


Dear Lisa Whelchel
English is not your forte, girl
People are dying

I rehearse all of that to conclude with this, my life didn’t begin when I became a child star and it didn’t end when my career ended.

Oh, the haiku was a rehearsal. Well, you didn't get the part. Sorry.


My happiness never has, and never will, be dependent upon my circumstances. My heavenly Father has been faithful when I was making millions and when I lost everything. I felt special when I was on television and when I was stuck at home all day with three toddlers.

Of course. As she's wrapping up this week's eternal diatribe, she drops the "when I lost everything" bomb. Lisa, we beg of you—pleeeeeeeeeeze make next week's Coffee Talk be called "When I Lost Everything." PLEEEEEEEEEEEEZE. And you can even write it in haiku. With ten million billion commas. We don't care. We just want to understand how someone who apparently wasn't spending her millions on cocaine, vodka and/or bailing Todd Bridges out of jail lost everything.

I am eternally grateful that God chose this little Texas girl to fill up with His love, hope, joy, and destiny, and saved me from a life forever looking for satisfaction in bittersweet, temporal, empty promises of happiness.

"Temporal"??? She is really obsessed with Asian culture this week. Jesus.

May I ask you a personal question?


Is your heart and life so full that the sweetest “honey” the world has to offer doesn’t even tempt you?

We said no.

I sure hope so.

We didn't answer.

I’ve seen too many childhood friends chase after bitter things because of a deep hunger. I pray that you enjoy a deep, settled, contentment that comes from knowing you are a child of God who is profoundly loved.


Ess, this post is thankfully over.


H? Because we're spelling "Lisa Whelchel"!



Happy September 11, everyone! See ya real soon!


Anonymous Tom in Chicago said...

Hi Nervous Breakdown,
You just slay me every week
with the BN blog.

You have the power
to make me chuckle out loud
with your perfect wit.

Thank God that Lisa
chose such a brilliant way to
showcase your talent.

I really, really,
really, really, (yes) really
love your great writing.

P.S. I might still
have a couple of Muppet
glasses. You want 'em?

September 11, 2006  
Blogger Addison said...

I cried for days when I lost my Great Muppet Caper Glasses....DAYS!!!!!! God couldn't heal that pain, but an all day Facts Of Life Marathon did.....and 23 bourbon shots.

September 11, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My heavenly Father has been faithful when I was making millions and when I lost everything.

I noticed how she just slipped that passage in, as well. Is there an E! True Hollywood Story about Mme. Whelchel? Can we appeal to a BN fan in LA who may have access to the top secret E! vaults?

Memo to Jesus: whilst your ripping the comma key off Lisa's keyboard, go ahead and get rid of "shift" key and the 1 key.

Tsk, tsk, Nervy B.

September 11, 2006  
Blogger The NB said...

Forgive our sin. It has been atoned.

September 11, 2006  
Anonymous Emily said...

Weird, the shot with Lisa and the ventriloquist looks *exactly* like a White Stripes album cover. She looks AWESOME!! as a Dexatrim addict.

Oh, forgot to tell us about your Dexatrim days! You better come clean or else Jesus is going to get mad at you!

(You know she totally reads this.)

September 12, 2006  
Blogger cassiemodo said...

I found your site through another great blog, and I have to say, you made milk come out of my nose! Thank you. I needed that.

September 13, 2006  

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