Monday, October 16, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Miss Scarlet, with the rope, in the kid's room."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Lisa snuck a post up on October 12th. We think she's trying to outnitwit us. Fortunately, our laziness is a constant, so, Lisa, you can post early to try to throw us off. We'll be commenting whenever we feel like it. The thing to know is that we will be commenting. Ho, yes, we will. Ho, yes.

As well, for reason you will soon understand, Lisa only includes photos of Clancy with her post this week. As we're not in the business of reproducing pics of someone who didn't ask for her pics to be bandied about the John Mark Karr-accessible Internet, we'll just include "funny" cat photos with our commentary. It's all relative.

On that note. Speaking of notes, let's see what our favorite lunatic has to say for herself this week.

Please forgive me, I know I promised that I would resume the series I’ve been writing on the different churches I’ve attended through the years and the influence each one has had on my life in distinctly God-ordained ways. Thanks in advance for understanding but I just couldn’t find the time to write one more thing this week.

Please forgive us for saying this is the best news we've heard all year, and it's already October. Anyway, we lost track of where she was in the church series at the first extraneous comma. We hope that she's distracted long enough to forget she even began to try to tell us about it. Will someone go dangle a shiny object in front of her? Thanx.

So for starters, I thought I’d share a little worship song I wrote, once upon a time. (Sorry, I had to dig through the archives of my computer files for something to post this week.)

So for starters, this is the worst news we've heard all year, and it's already October. Seriously, can we make like a Republican and blame our disinterest on alcoholism?

(Don't worry. We wouldn't dare marginalize a disease we've so carefully nurtured for many years. So, to get through this, we're gonna go grab us a scotch and Tab. BRB.)

OK. Hit it, Lisa.

Scarlet Rope By Lisa Cauble

Lord, please rescue me
Or I will surely drown.
In over my head
I'm afraid I'm going down.
Clinging to Your hand
While the storm is all around.
As You walk on water
Lead me to higher ground.

Speaking of being rescued, we'd skip to the end, but what's lurking there isn't much prettier. We'll give you a 130-word hint:

Thankfully, my sweet daughters also offered to help me out this week. The other day, the girls asked me why I was so stressed lately. (I probably just snapped at them for some tiny little infraction.) I explained that I had made the mistake of over committing myself and now I was paying the price. Haven asked, "Can we help?" I jokingly replied, "Yes. You can write something for me." Clancy piped up, "Well, actually, Mom, I did write a little something a few nights ago when I couldn’t get to sleep. You can use it for one of your journal entries, if that would help." When she sent me the following file, I was completely at a loss for words. (And, as you can imagine, that almost never happens.)

First of all, "I probably just snapped at them for some tiny little infraction" doesn't seem like it belongs in parentheses. It seems like it belongs in therapy. Would someone please put The Mommy in Me on Medication? Thanx.

Second of all, we don't know if we should, in fact, skip the song and get to Clancy's essay or post the song. It's like having to choose between Phil Collins and James Taylor.

OK, we'll post the rest of the song. Here's a helpful tip to get you through it. Substitute "chorus" with "drink," and then, obviously, do so.

The image “” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.


I lift my hands
To reach for You
Hold tight the scarlet rope.
I lift my hands
And trust in You
My Savior and my Hope.

In this battle for my soul
I'm a prisoner of war.
Doing things I promised
I would never do before.
Finally, I cry Your name,
"Deliver me once more.
All that I have lost
Only You could now restore."

Repeat Chorus

Filling broken cisterns.
Lighting my own fire.
Making all my plans.
Forgetting to inquire,
Of You, most holy Lord,
To Whom I now retire
My might and my power.
Your Spirit, I desire.

Repeat Chorus

Anyway, the most we can say about that "song" is that we're now totally uncomfortable in the least entertained way possible. If we were really ambitious, we'd write a response in similarly rhymed verse. Sorry, did we say "ambitious"? We meant "insane." You'll have to do that yourselves, then. Feel free to post them in the comments section. We'd have a giveaway for best entry, but then we'd have to give away something.

Moving on!

The image “” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

Why? By Clancy Cauble

Why? One of the most commonly asked questions of human existence. "Why didn’t you call me?!" "Why did she break up with him??" "Why didn’t you eat your vegetables?" There are many different people we direct this question to but there’s one Person that almost everyone has asked….God. "Why me, God?" "Why her, God?" "Why not, God?"

This is way too easy, but we'll do it anyway. All together:

Why are we going to read this???

The front page news after 9/11 screamed, "Why did God let this happen?" "If God really loves us then why did he let thousands of people die?" No one ever truly knows God’s motives but we do know this. God always has our best in mind. Now, that doesn’t mean we can’t screw it up, because man, can I mess things up. But it does mean that God isn’t letting all of this happen as some cruel joke.

Boy, it's hard to speak for Texans, but we will go ahead and speak for those who lived less than a mile from ground zero on 9/11 and say the ensuing odor of burning that continued to waft through our apartment six months after the tragedy was, in our opinion, a pretty cruel joke. Clancy.

Believe me, I’ve been through some pretty hard times.

Yeah, but have you had to smell burning six month... oh, never mind.

I remember one time in particular. I was sitting on my bed crying, and my mom said, "Do you know what the key to life is?" I said "What?" "Trust." she said, "Trust that God allowed these things to happen for a reason, trust that as long as you obey Him it will get better, trust that He’s going to get you through. All you have to do is give it up to him."

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the eagerly anticipated key to life. Not Socrates or Plato or Da Vinci or Einstein could provide an explanation for such a deeply shrouded mystery. No, it would take a great mind to reveal that long-guarded information. A great, great, great mind.

Clancy, here's the key to your mom's advice: Don't take it.

I took her advice and it actually helped. (I know crazy right?)

Oh, never mind.

I simply said, "Okay, God, I give this up to You. You are in control. Please just give me the strength to get through." And I mean it wasn’t like some miraculous thing where everything got better immediately but I did feel a little more peaceful, and that peace just kept on growing and growing.

And growing and growing until one day it made it OK to hijack a group bike trip and use the leader as a chauffeur for non-scheduled shopping. And that's just the tip of the Christberg.

The best part was that I learned something from it and, believe it or not, I was actually glad that it had happened. I mean, I learned more about God and his loving comfort and strength in that one situation than I probably would have learned in a year if it hadn’t happened.

Wait. Did something actually happen? Yes, we've been busy mocking a blameless teenager, but we could swear nothing has actually specifically happened in any of this essay.

Like mother, like daughter.

Now whenever something comes up that would have been humongous or seems unconquerable. I say, "I can do this. I have God on my side cheering me on and giving me strength."

Clancy, sweetheart, the rest of us call that drinking. It takes much less time to write that. Trust.

So, whenever you find yourself in a hard situation, instead of asking "Why? Why did you let this happen God?!" Stop, and ask, "What? What do you want to teach me, God?" "Who? Who do you want me to reach, God?" "Where? Where do you want me to go, God?"

It could be us just overgayacting, but is she just quoting Godspell here?

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(Sorry—we couldn't find a photo of a cat playing Jesus, we don't know the first thing about Photoshop and we love Victor Garber.)

That usually leads me back to "Why," but this time I come at it from a different perspective. Why? Why would someone as big as God want to use me as his instrument? And then I have to say…. "Wow!"

Amen to that, sugar.

We hoped you've enjoyed this rare glimpse into Christian homeschooling at work. We learned that apparently they push punctuation as much as god. As for the song, well, we think that's better left unspoken about.

But not unsung about!

I lift my neck
To reach for you
Pull tight the scarlet rope.
I lift my neck
And thrust in you
My savior and my hope.

The image “” cannot be displayed, because it contains errors.

Till next week, hang in there!


Anonymous Lori said...

When do we think Casey/Justice will start contributing to Coffee Talk? I hope soon...

October 16, 2006  
Anonymous Tom in Chicago said...

Amen to THAT, Lori.

Full on Photo blog.

Which would also eliminate the unnecessary punctuation that seems to run in the family.

October 16, 2006  
Anonymous lisbeth said...

I guess she never had a real dose of reality, because I can't see any reason for God to allow children to be sexually abused or to get cancer, or women being raped, or the elderly neglected. Can she answer in those things what God is teachin, who he wants victims to reach by making them suffer? Christians have no real logic, hopefully this young lady will wake up one day and realize God doesn't control everything

January 19, 2013  

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