Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Oh, fudge!"

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Well, she's back from the LA vacation. Which means so are we. Which means we're gonna need a vacation.

The good news is, this week's Thanksgiving recap is short! And the better news is, we got new pics of Tucker and... Justicecasey!

So, instead of just doing a regular old companion, we're gonna spice things up this week. And, by "spice things up," we mean "make it easier on you." (And, yes, we realize the whole "And by '_________,' we mean '_________' joke is getting really old. And, no, we don't care.)

Without further ado, then, let's play the special Whelchel Thanksgiving Vacation version of HOT OR NOT?

Case one:
Tucker Cauble

Photo one:



Verdict:
HOT!

Nice rockin' the V-neck tee, Tuck. And we're lovin' the hair. Why not be a mensch and give mom a few pointers? (Oh, and is it us, or does it look they rented California Adventure? That, or everyone else has fled in terror. Yeah, probably b.)

Photo two:



Verdict:
BLARGH!

Well, kid, we know your secret. The close-up is not your friend. Nice scarf, but the hair is now helmetted to the head. And, well, yeah, the eyebrows. It's OK to pluck, Tuck. It doesn't mean you're gay, even in god's hazel eyes. Speaking of eyes, pluck your fucking eyebrows, Tucker.

(And, it's true, we are breaking the rule we have about not making fun of the Cauble children. But, hey, Tucker looks hot in 50% of the above photographs. That's better than someone else appearing in 100% of the above photographs.)

Case two:
Justicecasey

Photo one:



Verdict:
HOT!

We love a man who's tall, dark and handsome. And we'll even swoon over one who is, in this case, just tall and handsome. And how cute are the Vans? Yeah, kind of. But still, what a nice uncle to the trio Cauble. And props to Tucker here, too. See? As long as we're at a safe distance, all is well.

Photo two:



Verdict:
HELLZ NO!

Did Lance Bass lose a retarded brother? Jeez. Sit up straight, Justice! And what's with the Mervyn's gym shorts? And the hair? Oy. Wait, is that even Justice? (Oh, and we're gonna go ahead and just assume this is Tucker, Clancy and Haven's economics class.)

Well, that was the Whelchel Thanksgiving Vacation version of HOT OR NOT. Unfortunately we've run out of eligible candidates. So, er, let's point out a few gems from this week's actual post:

We watched the Dallas Cowboys game, took naps, played games, ate turkey and all the trimmings, and watched “Nacho Libre.” Such a silly, funny movie. We also took a trip to swim in the natural hot springs near Mammoth but it was closed due to geological activity. I almost hit Bambi on the way, which made for a very exciting drive up the mountain.

Verdict:
Lisa is clearly silly, funny news for animals. (Seriously, if you have not read the linked Coffee Talk entry, we urge you to do so. It's a classic.)

We also found time for a quick trip to Starbucks where my amazing baby brother, who is a new youth pastor, led my girls in a little devotional.

1.) Chain restaurant mention. We really should begin keeping score. Unfortunately, we have trouble counting higher than two.

1.) Get a load of this:



It's Pastah Thug!

Justice, come awn. You simply cannot dress like that and be of the clergy. It doesn't work. It's in the Bible in the book of Duh.

As well, you cannot dress like that and be in a Starbucks. Unless it's in an airport. Then you can apparently wear whatever the fuck you want, lady in West Palm Peach on November 27.

Verdict:
Silly but not funny!

That afternoon we decided to give the hot springs thing another try. We heard of a Hot Springs Resort about an hour south that was open. To be honest, it looked and felt like a giant bath tub to me. (See the above pic entitled "Giant Bath Tub.") The water wasn’t really hot enough or bubbly enough to be considered a Jacuzzi and it wasn’t really cold enough to be a refreshing pool. But, we all jumped in and had fun. My mantra for the day was, “We’re making a memory. It may be a dud memory but it is a memory, nonetheless.” That night we all went to see the movie, “Happy Feet.” What a cute movie.

Nice capitalized "Jacuzzi," Leese, though we think we've congratulated you on that before. So, never mind.

However, definitely mind, "'We’re making a memory. It may be a dud memory but it is a memory, nonetheless.'" Yeah, life is hard sometimes, Lisa, isn't it? There are pools in Darfur that don't even have water, hot or cold, in them, Lisa. Be thankful that you had water at all for your "dud memory." Oh, and that all your children have their limbs.

Oh oh, and apparently Happy Feet isn't silly or funny. Just cute.

Verdict:
A cute dud

Saturday was probably my favorite day of the whole trip. It didn’t snow so we still weren’t able to go skiing so we decided to laze around the house all day and just enjoy being together. Roy cooked a delicious ham and eggs breakfast. We played Spades. Steve and I snuck off to Starbucks. We all snuggled up on the couches and watched movies. I made Rachael Ray’s fudge Christmas wreath and it actually looked somewhat like a wreath. We played a marathon Monopoly game. We took more naps and then we all went out to dinner where we took over an entire wing of the restaurant with our very loud fun.

1.) "Starbucks" redux

1.) RACHAEL RAY'S FUDGE CHRISTMAS WREATH!!!!!!!!!!!!! We did some research and this shit takes five minutes to make two pounds of fatty-ass fatty food! It's the NOTE-PERFECT Whelchel treat.



And we're pretty sure if you unscramble "Whelchel," you get "Rachael," which leads us to believe they're the same person. It makes total sense.

Verdict:
A silly but not funny, semi-cute hot dud!

It is now 4:30 in the morning and we are driving back to Los Angeles to catch a flight back to Dallas. I sure hope you had a restful and enjoyable Thanksgiving and I hope you got to spend some of it with family. We have so much for which to be thankful but I will have to say that the gift of family is always at the top of my gratitude list. By the way, you’re way up there, too!

We love it when you lie to us, Lisa. It only makes us stronger.

Hanyway, we hope you had a nice Thanksgiving, dear readers, and that you managed to get your hands on the Wii that wii still can't find. Wii wiil sii you next wiik with yet another gloriious CTC.

Verdict:
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

9 Comments:

Blogger Diner Girl said...

Oh for fuck's sake; they took BIBLES to STARBUCKS. Who does that?!!??!!?!? Nice Unabomber sweatshirt caseyjustice. He must be reading the fashion column in Christian Women Today.

You've got to do an analysis of the online chat transcript that Blair has posted somewhere on her site in which she completely one-ups the kids at every fucking opportunity. There's one part of the chat in which Clancy or sHaven are talking about being in a homeschool version of The Sound of Music (which probably means they watched the VHS tape of it in the living room and prayed at the same time), and that whichever girl was in it played Brigitta and had braids in her hair. And then Lisa, because she can't stand NOT being the center of Jesus' attention every fucking minute of the day, chimes in all, "I was Brigitta in The Sound of Music, too!!!!" Fucking topper.

November 29, 2006  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

It's all so wholesome isn't it? I'm predicting the Christina Crawford version of Coffee Talk will be out in approximately, oh ... three point four years.

Diner Girl, yes the Unabomber does spring to mind!

November 29, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh i love love love this blog!!

Devotionals at Starbucks, jesus H. tap dancing Christ......

Our Mocha, who art a Latte
Hallowed be thy Chai...

November 29, 2006  
Blogger The NB said...

You know, we were so caught up in Justicecasey that we didn't even think about how fucking absurd it is to be holding (doing? having?) devotionals in Starbucks. And also how Whelchelian.

By the way, please help us work "Whelchelian" into the vernacular, a la "Orwellian." Thanx.

December 01, 2006  
Blogger Diner Girl said...

I just had another thought as I re-read this with a friend who is now HOOKED by not the Lord, but the Whelch (as he likes to call her).

On their last night in Mammoth, when she made the buttfudge wreath.... they went to dinner at a non-chain (chainless?) restaurant, because she did not name it. She just said that they went to a restaurant. Alert the media!

Oh yeah, and Whelchel daughter on the right in the Starbucks Prayer Meeting photo? Have ANOTHER cookie. It's clearly working well for you....

December 02, 2006  
Blogger Diner Girl said...

I just had another thought as I re-read this with a friend who is now HOOKED by not the Lord, but the Whelch (as he likes to call her).

On their last night in Mammoth, when she made the buttfudge wreath.... they went to dinner at a non-chain (chainless?) restaurant, because she did not name it. She just said that they went to a restaurant. Alert the media!

Oh yeah, and Whelchel daughter on the right in the Starbucks Prayer Meeting photo? Have ANOTHER cookie. It's clearly working well for you....

December 02, 2006  
Blogger Michael C said...

This stuff is hilarious! Well done! The rachael ray wreath looks like a fruit cake w/ 3rd degree burns. I'll pass...

December 02, 2006  
Blogger katie schwartz said...

we so share the lw obsession! we should blog about it together.

great, great stuff! so funny.

December 04, 2006  
Blogger Maxine Weiss said...

You know, this really is too funny. I actually like her, and hey....we played Monopoly all the time....back in the 70s, though.

Justice and those checkered VANs.

Good Lord they really are in a 1970s time warp.

Or is that 1980s with Tucker and his Brooke Shields eye brows.

LW must be doing something right, though....the kids haven't been found in a ditch strung out on Acid...yet.

I hope you continue.

Peace, Maxine

January 17, 2007  

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