Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Stop. Girl Time."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

So, Lisa's latest Coffee Talk entry, hinted at in our last post, includes nary an apology for leaving us hanging for two weeks. She doesn't even acknowledge her error. Seriously, people, we were forced to contemplate actually reading a book because we didn't know what to do with ourselves.

But don't worry. What she does write is as unexciting as any apology would be. So, as usual, it's a lose/lose situation for us all.

The week actually started with me speaking at a fabulous church in Jensen Beach, Florida on Monday night. After an amazing service, I returned to our hotel room and Steve and I got to bed around 11:00 PM. Three hours later we were up, dressed, packed and in the car for the three hour drive to the Orlando Airport. On the way, we stopped and picked up my wonderful friend, Dee Dee Hillmann, who graciously agreed to be in the DVD MomTime group.

We're sure there's a reason why Lisa and Steve drove three hours to the Orlando airport rather than the 40 miles to the nearer Palm Beach International Airport. And we're sure it's a bad one. In any case, it's nice to see Dee Dee again. We had no idea she was such a double-letter hog!

We arrived at the airport at 5:00 AM and caught a 6:00 plane to Atlanta. The flight from Atlanta to Nashville was delayed an hour, which turned out to be a Godsend. I was supposed to step right off the plane and onto the set to begin filming and yet I still had some of the script left to write. That one hour delay was just what I needed to stay one step ahead of the film crew.

First of all, there are plenty of flights from Palm Beach International to Atlanta. We know. We've taken them. But maybe Lisa felt more comfortable in Orlando, where she was more likely to be in the company of other Christians rather than Jews who forgot to die.

Second of all, staying one step ahead of a film crew doesn't mean writing the script one hour before the shooting takes place. Staying ahead of a film crew means faxing them the nineteenth round of edits at least 12 hours before the shoot. Writing the script one hour before the shoot equals sloth, one of the seven deadly sins. We're sure you're familiar with those, Lisa. Especially sloth.

We went straight from the airport to the hotel where I met my longtime friend and hairdresser, Michele, who had flown in the night before.

Just to quickly note, this is Michele the abused hairdresser, not Michelle the abused bike leader from the now infamous Vermont Biking Disaster of 2006. Michele the hairdresser only has one "l" in her name. Dee Dee Hillmann stole the other.

At first she put extensions in my hair, which she was going to cut considerably, leaving just enough to give my hair more fullness. I couldn’t handle it. It looked too rock star-ish to me so we took them out and opted for a simple blow dry.

Since when does Lisa's hair need more fullness? Oh, and does she EVER let anyone do his or her job? Michelle the bike leader hardly had a minute to actually bike, and Michele the hairdresser hardly has a minute to hairdress. If there's one thing we hate more than religious zealots, it's micromanagers. For shame, Lisa.

The first two days of filming, Tuesday and Wednesday, were at my manager, Ron’s, house with all of the MomTime friends I assembled for the DVD. Dee Dee, Avis (also the wardrobe stylist,) Candace (my friend from the MomTime Getaways,) Deb, (my longtime prayer partner,) and Amy (who is the graphic designer for the Bible study.)

OK. We are totes LOLing at the MomTime friends. They either have total suburban names or, in certain cases (i.e. Avis!), they're named for corporations. Perfectly Whelchelian—she even micromanages her friends' names.

All of these friends had already completed the Bible study and their “Storybooks” so we talked about the different things they learned in the member book and shared some of their journaling on camera.

If anyone has any idea what any of that meant, be sure to email us.



Be sure NOT to email us.

It actually turned out to be a lot more powerful than I even anticipated as they shared very honestly from their life stories.

This sounds like something from the press kit for that Spike Lee Katrina doc. (Yeah, that's all we had for that one. Sorry.)

Wednesday afternoon and evening I was scheduled to speak at the LifeWay Women’s Ministry Leaders’ Forum. My workshop was on the importance of leaving a legacy so I talked about the new Scrapbook Bible Study.

So. Lisa has the opportunity to talk about how religion can play a part in a person's or family's legacy, and she talks about... Bible scrapbooking. You know, and pardon us for getting personal, but we were raised Jewish. We are unapologetically atheistic now, but we do still value the heritage and history of the Jewish religion. The legacy left by Jews who came before us is often awesome and inspiring. We imagine it's the same for most any religion's legacy, including Lisa's. Our point is, if we were to go hear someone speak about legacy as it relates to Judaism, and he or she spoke about scrapbooking, we'd start the fucking biggest pogrom ever.

The evening session was entitled, “This Is My Story” so I talked about the power of having ladies from the church simply get up and share their testimonies and the powerful ministry that is available within the church as lay people simply tell the stories of God’s intersection in their lives.

Now, correct us if we're wrong, but wouldn't one assume that "This Is My Story" would require the speaker to talk about his or her story? We're correct, right? RIGHT?


Thursday morning I was supposed to have breakfast with my friend Stormie Omartian but the director changed the call time for the exterior shots so I had to cancel. I was so bummed!

"Stormie Omartian" is obviously now our favorite name ever. But we're going to go ahead and spell it "Stormy O'Martian" in every subsequent 0 time we mention him again. Her again. It again. Blargh!

We ended up filming the “Rabbit Trail” exterior shots at a park in the morning, got to enjoy a little girl time with my friends for lunch and then we filmed the Seminar setting at a church in the evening. It was a very full day.

Clearly. Stormys, rabbits, girl time... sounds like any five-year-old girl's very full day. Unfortunately we're talking about a grown woman here.

Friday morning we were back at Ron and Michelle’s house to film all of the intros and outros for the video but that went fairly quickly. We even had time to have lunch on the way to the airport with my friends Christa, Michelle and Amy. My life is so crazy that I really appreciate every chance I get to just hang with my friends.

Wait, did Dee Dee give Michele back the "l," or is this another Michelle? Well, let us at least warn any Michelles out there that you're not safe. Lisa RILLY likes you guys. She totally wants to hang with you.

Friday night I caught a plane to Cincinnati, Ohio where I was scheduled to speak at a women’s meeting on Saturday morning. We had a great time of ministry before we were able to catch an earlier flight home that night. It was so good to be home! For the next two days I just got caught up on domestic diva stuff and enjoyed being with my family again. My mother kidnapped me on Monday night and took me to a movie and then on Tuesday night she hosted a “Dancing with the Stars” finale party where we all cheered and voted for Emmitt Smith!


1.) Grown women who have "Dancing with the Stars" parties should not tell other adults about it. It's best to keep it a secret.

2.) If for some reason said grown women are compelled to talk about it, they should kindly omit the part about "cheering." We don't want that image in our heads.

3.) Emmitt Smith??? We so just forwarded this to Mario Lopez's agent and lawyers.

And, now I’m back in LA awaiting the arrival of my kids tonight for a week of family vacation. Whew! I just can’t wait.

Another fucking vacation for the kids? We understand it's Thanksgiving and all, but when we were in school, we had two days off. Not a week.

Oh, right.

Never mind.

Well, at least maybe we'll get another "report" from Clancy on this. We'll even suggest a title: "How I Spent My 2006 46th Week of Vacation."

OK. Well, we're gonna go make like Christa (we TOLD you she micromanages her friends' names)...

Now, for real:



Blogger Green Fish said...

This is the funniest freakin' thing I have read in a while. You are a mad genius. Is there any chance you will be providing the same stellar insight into the mind of Kirk "bananas prove the case for intelligent design" Cameron.

November 23, 2006  
Blogger Eden said...

So long as we don't have to see any photos of Kirk Cameron in "rock star extensions..."

November 24, 2006  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

This was worth the wait. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

Did you know that Stormie Omartian is the wife of Michael Omartian, the well- known music industry identity? He worked on Steely Dan's "Aja" ... one of my all time faves.

Okay, end of off topic blurt. Well done.

November 25, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can tell you one of her "friends" names there in that picture....Candace. I know her. She's perfect. Not as perfect as me though. I'm way Godlier than she. I just don't know Lisa Welchel personally. You think she's going to have her Facts of Life sisters join on her on this show? Hee.

November 26, 2006  
Blogger Michael K Mahler said...

Stormie Omartian (or O'Martian), sounds like it should be a striptease artiste from Mars, who possibly does vile things with leprechauns and flying saucers. Hmm, I am not visualizing an Orion slave girl gone bad.

So, biblical scrapbooking is Lisa's legacy/lega-she? (he said, quoting last night's Simpson's episode.)

November 27, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Longtime prayer partner?" How very Ted Haggard of her. Goes well with the extention mullet, though...

November 27, 2006  
Anonymous Alicia said...

I've definitely enjoyed reading your posts!

Just wanted to let you know that you are linked here:

November 28, 2006  
Blogger Diner Girl said...


Oh, hi, 1983.
You say you want your wardrobe back?

November 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

These photos should garner Lisa a page on

December 06, 2006  
Anonymous Jo said...


December 08, 2006  
Anonymous The Best of San Francisco said...

Darling - LOVE it when you correct her homeschoolin' grammar bombs. But it is "pogroM" with an o not an a.

December 27, 2006  
Blogger gulfcoastluvr said...

Hmmmm, I left a post last week and I see you won't post it unless I agree with you and bash Lisa! Bet this won't make it on your "sad" site either.
Geeesh guys, get a life and leave this poor woman alone! Don't you have anything better to do than bash this woman and her family??? You all must lead pathetic lives if this is it for you!!!

January 09, 2007  
Blogger The NB said...

Actually, gulfcoastluvr, we don't screen comments. Any complication with regard to posting comments on this site is due to error on the poster's part.

January 09, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Blair, Its good to see you are constantly honoring God in the things that you do. I met you briefly at Melody Green's ranch at the artist retreat. I may never see you in person again but I just want to tell you what a blessing you have been to me and my family over the years. If you answer these personally drop me a note.
Martin Bass

April 11, 2007  

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