Monday, August 27, 2007

The Coffee Talk Companion: "The Yenta Tour: Breaking the Camel's Back!"

Wow! You really are godless gluttons for punishment! Without further ado, then, here's installment four. Or is it 528? It's so hard to care keep track.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Wow! I can’t believe we were so close to the actual cave where David cut the piece off of King Saul’s robe when he was “doing his business.”

Whoa! We’re fairly well-versed on the Bible (not really, obviously), and even we aren’t sure what this “doing his business” insinuation refers to. However, because it’s the Bible, we feel comfortable assuming it has to do with murder, fire or homosexuality.

Like yesterday’s visit to Gideon Springs, it will be so cool to be able to envision the real spot in my mind’s eye when I read these Scripture passages.

It’s “Gideon’s Spring,” lady, not “Gideon Springs.” It’s not a fucking hospice.

After a very hot visit to Masada (120 degrees) Tucker and Justice ran down the mountain! They are crazy. I can’t wait to rent this movie and watch it again after having visited the actual fortress.

Yeah, just like when we visited Paris and then made a beeline for Blockbuster to rent French Kiss. Oooooooooh, she’s making us mad again.

Okay, this is the funniest thing I think I’ve ever done – floating in the Dead Sea! It is so weird how it is actually impossible to go under water. You really can sit down like you are in a chair.

Au contraire, Lisa Diane. The funniest thing you’ve ever done is to keep a blog. It’s weird how you think floating in the Dead Sea is the funniest thing you’ve ever done. The truth, weirdly enough, is that funny isn’t…oh, hold on…

Sha-lom, Justice!

What were we saying?

One of the pastors on our bus gathered a bunch of the mud and we had too much fun! And our skin really did feel fabulous after we rinsed it off. I bought packets of mud and jars of the sea salt to take home to my girlfriends. A little Dead Sea spa party in the comfort of home.

Wait, what happened to Rami? Did he finally see the badges and flee? We're so proud of you, Ram. So proud! Listen, Rami, if you’re reading this, there are three places you need to avoid if the Caubles ever return to Israel (and, don’t worry, there’s not a very good chance they’ll have the money to ever return): biblical sites, malls and fast-food restaurants. The next time the Caubles come to Israel, just hunker down in a four-star restaurant in a cosmopolitan area of town.

Ew. OK. If there’s any Justice in the world, he’ll never do that again. It’s given us a Casey of the shivers.

Our last stop of the day was at a great gift shop that specialized in selling olivewood nativity sets and other traditional Jerusalem souvenirs.

Oh, and gift shops, Rami. Four places. Sorry.

I really wanted to buy a shofar but they were very expensive.

Not to mention a fucking bitch to get on a plane.

Tucker had the best time of all just playing with all of the stuff for sale.

Oh, no, Sir Tuckalot! Do not let your kindergarten-level education affect you now! You’re too close to freedom! Too close! And don't be fooled by your mom's kindergarten-level nickname for you—that getup has nothing whatsoever to do with the Knights of the Round Table or even anything factually medieval. It's more of the Roman ilk. But screw geography, chronology and even history, right? Jesus is more fun than reality!

Oh, and we must take this moment to express our growing fatigue at Lisa's written use of the colloquial "of." It's not "all of the stuff for sale"; it's "all the stuff for sale." And it's not "cut the piece off of King Saul’s robe"; it's "cut the piece off King Saul’s robe." And it's not "Please gauge both of our eyes out"; it's "Kill us."

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Our first stop today was the Western Wall, also known as the Wailing Wall. We all followed tradition and wrote down prayer requests on little slips of paper and then put them in the wall and prayed.

You know, we’ve always wanted to visit the Jewish version of Santa, but we’ve never had the opportunity. We kind of hope Tucker prayed for a Wii—ours is oodles of fun.

The Garden of Gethsemane was one of the most meaningful stops so far.

Wait. Wasn’t the Garden of Gethsemane in the back of their hotel? Or was that a Garden of Gethsemane. Ah—they’ve been franchised. Makes sense, especially taking into account Lisa's rhapsodic reaction.

Rami presented another wonderful teaching and then gave us 20 minutes to each find an olive tree to sit under and have some quiet time with Jesus.

Rami! You’re still there. Idiot. OK, we’re hoping this olive tree exercise was your ultimate escape plan. "You all, go sit under a tree, and chat with Jesus. I'"

I was so glad we got a chance to ride a camel while we were in Israel. Even if it was just long enough for a photo-op.

You know what this kind of reminds us of?

This was really cool. These streets next to the temple walls have been discovered since I was in Israel 18 years ago. Now you can say with integrity that you walked where Jesus walked since there is no question that He would have taken this road many times.

Oh, nonono. We can say with integrity that We don’t believe any of this claptrap can be passed on with integrity. Especially since someone of Jesus's stature would have clearly taken a cab.

These are the Southern steps where Peter is believed to have preached his famous sermon at Pentecost.

OK. So here’s something we can stomach a little more than the preceding paragraph (though zero times anything is zero, right?): The use of the clause, “is believed.” At least we’re not being assaulted with words like “no question” and “would have.” Oh, and “integrity.”

Still, without a doubt: Come on.

The Foursquare convention (the reason we are here in the first place) started tonight. Oh my goodness, from the moment the shofars were blown from every corner, the air was electric. It is such a privilege to be in the presence of the Lord with the Body of Christ.

Speaking of getting blown from every corner, where’s Justice? Maybe we’ll find out in the next installment. Or maybe an 18-wheeler will come barreling down Park Avenue, hit a fire hydrant whose spray of water will knock a gargoyle off a building which will then fall on a hot dog cart which will start rolling into traffic which will cause a car to stop short and careen into one of those police golf carts the meter maids use to give tickets which will fly into the window of a Brooks Brothers which will make them rethink their lack of extra-small sizes which will then cause a very cute seersucker suit to be made for us for next summer which will ultimately be too small because of all the Krispy Kreme we’ll eat over the winter that it cuts off circulation to our brain and causes us to pass out and die in Alexa Ray Joel’s lap during our first visit to the Hamptons nearly a year too late for it to have any relevance to our wishing we would be killed before we had to write another installment.