Tuesday, August 14, 2007

The Coffee Talk Companion: "The Yenta Tour!"

Well, well.

Look who's begun writing again. And, we have to admit, she played this one VERY nicely:

I’ve decided to write every night when we return to the hotel after our days of touring. This holy pilgrimage for our family is too much of a blessing to chance forgetting even one moment. (Which I am apt to do if I don’t write it down.) Experiencing something memorable is always more fun when you can share it with someone. So…join me and my family as we take this journey together.

What this means, we find out, is that she has compiled all her daily writings into one big, dirty Coffee Talk bomb. So, after three months of silently waiting to pounce, we're being foiled by one super Chernobyl-sized post. Well. While lady is correct to assume that we don't have the time to cover the whole post in one Norman Fell swoop, we certainly do have time to comment on it piece-by-piece. And since the sabbatical is supposed to last until next May, this should give us plenty to cover in the Whelchel-less days ahead.

Unless, as we predicted as soon as it began, the sabbatical has come to a premature end.

In any case, apparently the Caubles are touring the Middle East, which now makes Osama bin Laden the second-most dangerous person in that area.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Monday morning we flew from Dallas to New York where we had a 5 hour layover. The girls played Charades, Tucker talked on his cell phone, and Steve and I caught up on conversations that we haven’t been able to have because he’s been busy getting ready for this convention.

Well, so much for Steve correcting his Coffee-Talk-killing wandering ways. It seems that to keep him in check, Lisa and family are following him wherever he goes. Even if he goes to a region full of militants and suicide bombers. God, Steve must want out RILLY badly.

We finally boarded the 747 bound for Israel only to stay on the tarmac for 2 hours before even beginning the 10-hour flight. We flew El Al Airlines. Tucker thought it was very funny that the highest level of elite airline travel was the “King David” class. I told him that the lowest level must be the “King Saul” class.

Oh, Lisa, that's the oldest joke ever told.

We arrived in Tel Aviv and fought to stay awake for the interesting drive to Jerusalem. We traveled through the Gaza Strip with the stone walls lining the highway to prevent sniper fire on the cars. Just a little bit freaky feeling.

Really? Just a little bit? Because if we traveled to a country full of snipers SHOOTING AT MY CAR WITH OUR KIDS IN IT, we would assume it would be a lot bit freaky feeling. (Wow, this is like getting back on a bicycle. It's like she never even left!)

We checked into the hotel and our room has the most incredible view of the Garden of Gethsemane and The Temple Mount.

We're totally wondering if this hotel's brochure advertises rooms with Garden views. (Sorry. We had to.)

We took a short nap to help with the jet lag adjustment and then ate dinner at the hotel buffet which we later decided was really all-you-can-eat-of-nothing-you-really-want!

Oh, Jesus, the jokes are flying left and right already! And since we could not find any listing for a Best Western in Jerusalem, we have to assume, thanks to Trip Advisor's ratings system, that this is where they stayed.

That evening we went to the hotel pool and spa. The coolest thing was the Turkish Bath. This place is kind of like a steam room but it has hot water dripping from the walls and on the floor and on a large heated marble slab in the middle. It also has fountains of cold water and bowls to splash yourself (and your sisters.)

"And your sisters"??? Is this some kind of strange Biblical reference? Was Lisa, in some orgiastic Holy Land fever, imagining herself frolicking around with Leah, Ruth, Sarah and Esther? Or were poor Clancy and Haven dragged to "this place," too? And, while were on the subject, who's watching Donut? No one, probably. Like usual.

This was really fun especially since I have read a million books set in Roman during the first century A.D. and they all talk so much about the bath houses.

Oh, Lisa, there are only hundreds of versions of the Bible. Stop being so hyperbolic.

This is what I imagined. Especially at the end when four men in Speedos walked in and started bathing each other with loofahs. Gross!

Four Israeli men in Speedos sponging each other off gross?!? Oh, god, this is going to be a long, long trip...


So, we just realized that in our haste to get started, we misunderstood the chronology of Lisa's posts-within-post (another very clever ploy). Alas, July 15, 2007 was totally overlooked. The good news is that clearly the less Coffee Talk the better. The better news is that we're not going back to correct our hasty ways. You'll just have to read about Lisa's pre-Israeli-invasion shenanigans yourself. Or better yet, don't.