Tuesday, March 13, 2007

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Scrap Heap."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

So, after two days of this nonsense...

This Weeks Journal Entry

This weeks Journal Entry will be postd Monday Morning!

Please check back.

Blessings,

Lisa

...we (on Tuesday afternoon, mind you) get this nonsense...

New Scrapbook Pages

Instead of writing a journal entry this week, I used the time to scan some new scrapbook pages for the website. So, this week’s Coffee Talk is in pictures. Hey, they say a picture is worth a thousand words, right? I hope you enjoy the stroll with me down memory lane. This was what my life looked like in 1996!

1996 Cauble Family Scrapbook Album – click here

Instead of writing a journal entry this week, I used the time to scan some new scrapbook pages for the website. So, this week’s Coffee Talk is in pictures. Hey, they say a picture is worth a thousand words, right? I hope you enjoy the stroll with me down memory lane. This was what my life looked like in 1996!

1996 Cauble Family Scrapbook Album – click here

...and, yes, we're aware that the above appears twice. No, it's not our mistake. It's hers. Our mistake was, yet again, visiting lisawhelchel.com.

Now, could Lisa be crafty enough to be posting her real Coffee Talk entries somewhere else and using the original Coffee Talk page as a decoy? Is she trying to take down the Companion? Could she be? Would she dare?

After careful 2-second deliberation, we feel, by virtue of Occam's Razor, that of course she's not crafty enough to be using her site to mislead us. The only crafty she possesses is the box of crap used to make the 1996 scrapbook pages she so thoughtlessly hurls at us this week. Look, we're entirely capable of taking each photo and commenting on it, but a.) there are way too many and b.) we're totes hungover. Oh, and c.) they're from fucking 1996.

Anyway, we start, like any Whelchel-worthy book, with creation...



...and we'll continue by picking and choosing which subsequent pages we feature. Clearly we're going to continue with those including Casey. For those of you newer readers who might not know who Casey is, he is Lisa's totally hot stepbrother, who is now, in our post-9/11 world, called Justice. You see, folks, 1996 was a more innocent time...



We're sure Somebunny would agree. And, yeah, we tried to read whatever it says in that pink and purple box, but we couldn't really make it out. Of course, we only tried for about .523 second and without our glasses, but we're sure it's absolutely as infuriating as making an "o" out of a heart.

And als...wait, what's that noise? Why, it sounds like 75, no, 76 trombones! Ah, yes! It is! And with it comes the world's littlest Harold Hill...



Why, yes, ya got trouble! Right here in middle Texas! With a capital "T" that rhymes with "G" and that stands for "gay"!

In all seriousness, folks, we're kind of wondering if those costumes are still around 'cause they'd, like, totally fit us, and we quite like the striped blazer. Speaking of costumes...



And we're accused of hating America. Sheesh.

Speaking of costumes...



Some mommy was busy making clothes for picture day! Jesus. It looks like Clancy just got off the special ed Mayflower. And, forget whatever it is that Haven's dressed as, the kid looks like she has more teeth than Predator.

Now, this page, we're told, is from Halloween...



...but, because of the school picture outfits, we're kind of inclined to believe this is just another day.

Oooh. Trip time!



'Cause if our mom were a former actress on a pretty major sitcom, the first place we'd want to go when we visited L.A. would certainly be the county fair. Seriously, people. It's not even, like, Disneyland or a state fair. It's a county fair. In L.A. That's honestly the second saddest thing we've ever heard. What's the first, you ask? This.

Well, at least after visiting the county fair in one of the biggest, most cosmopolitan cities in America, there was Christmas!

And look what Haven and Clancy got...



No, not bikes, silly. HELMETS! Bah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha. That's almost worse than this.

Ah, Christmas. All that egg nog and candy can surely do a number on your teeth! (Sorry—we're clearly running out of ideas for segues.)



We will say that we are quite jealous of the Cauble children having Doug Henning as their dentist. We loved magic when we were little, and going to the dentist would have actually been tolerable if we'd had a Broadway-starring magician working on our pearly whites!

On that note, if you're as terribly bored as we are right now, here's a diversion. We found it whilst searching for the above link. It's the incomparable Chita Rivera doing her big number from Merlin on Merv Griffin (does it get gayer than that?), a number so mind-numbingly awful that you're liable to actually be boreder than you were two seconds ago. So, er, sorry. At least it has nothing to do with Whelchel, right?



Did you survive that? Well, if you're still reading this, you did. Or you shut it off three seconds into it. Either way...

We end with this page:



Picture it. Somewhere in Texas. 1996. The house is finished, and daddy is getting it all gussied up for Christmas. Specifically, he's hanging Christmas lights from the new roof. Who could have predicted that an act so full of love and devotion, so wrought with joy and cheer, would, four short years later, go down in history not as a mere page in the 2000 scrapbook, but as an entire section?

We bet daddy wished he could have.

Thanks for tuning in, lovers. May the rest of your week be as scrapbook-worthy as a visit to the county fair.