The Coffee Talk Companion: "iGod."
The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.
Ladies and gentleman, it's the first proper entry of 2007! Well, kind of. Well, not really.
At the beginning of this year, rather than make New Year’s resolutions, I looked backwards at 2006.
Sounds about right. Resolutions require more work in that they're vows still to be broken. Easier for Lisa to look back on what's already been ruined.
I spent one whole afternoon reading through my journal and thanking God and marveling at so many promises fulfilled and areas of growth through challenges.
We're pretty sure god was the one marveling here when he heard Lisa say "promises fulfilled" and "areas of growth." Unless she was talking about her waist. If that's the case, we, and god, stand corrected.
I thought I’d simply share a few snippets from my journal to give you a snapshot of my heart in 2006 and God’s faithfulness to care for it so tenderly, yet powerfully, especially through His Word. (I’ve also included a few pictures from the same time frame.)
Nothing about Tucker's 18th? Jeez. Pics from last year DO NOT count.
Fine. Let's see what she has to say.
“God, I want to be whatever size and weight you want me to be. I relinquish my opinion on what that should be. Whatever the weight, I need your help to get there and stay there. Like everything else in my life, I am unable to do anything in my own strength. I admit my inability. Please have Your way in me as I submit to You. Please fill me with Your power as I admit my weakness. Give me faith to believe you have heard and are faithful to answer. Thank You.”
OK. Forget that we were ever interested in Tucker's birthday.
BWHA?!?!?!?!?!??! First of all, THIS is what she chooses to be at the top of her 2007 prayer priority list? Is that, um, OK? Seriously. We don't know. We've fortunately never read the entire Old Testament. And all we really know of the New Testament is that for the movie version, Andrew Lloyd Webber added an unnecessary second-act song for Yvonne Elliman. But, common sense would have us believe that when one asks something of god, it's probably holiest to start off with something, well, selfless and non-refreshment-related.
Second of all, please note here that Lisa Whelchel is relinquishing her inability to eat non-fried foods to the mercy of god. We just want to make sure you totally understand what's happening. Got it? Good. That clarified, we'd like to inform all readers of this site that we have just put ourselves on Lisa Whelchel's Heavenly Diet™. We'll even share our first dietary prayer (chocolate-hued, thank you) so that, should you be interested, you'll be able to join us.
God, even though we don't believe in you, we're willing to make an exception so that, like your disciple, former child actress and current self-appointed bike ambassador Lisa Whelchel, we can eat this entire box of Ding-Dongs in front of us and not feel an ounce of guilt. Certainly if you're open to taking the blame for Lisa, and now us, turning into Poseidon Adventure-era Shelley Winters, you're cool with us believing in you just for this one item. See, Lisa likes to teach others about Christianity, and if we've learned anything from her, it's that the tenets of said religion are to be interpreted as one wishes and at one's convenience. More importantly, these Ding-Dongs are de-licious!
“I felt led to fight for the peace of our family. There is so much strife between the kids. I asked God what I should fast from. I was surprised when He told me to offer the sacrifice of praise. Bummer. I wanted to fast food and lose some weight as a side bonus. I have been going into my closet with my ipod and portable speakers and singing and speaking praise and worship. It makes sense. I’m learning that the root of the strife in our home is pride. So worship directly combats that pride. Also, elevating and exalting Jesus puts our puniness in perspective producing humility. Also worship enters the spirit realm and it permeates the atmosphere of our home driving out the prince of this world with the presence of the Prince of Peace.”
As if it couldn't get better, Lisa is now surprised that god didn't tell her to give up food, but, instead, told her to quit bugging him. Need we again stress how convenient this is? And, why on earth did she want to "fast food," as she says (which we obviously think is more than a Freudian slip)? She just cleared it with god that her huge hips are going to be his fault, so why would she think he gave a shit if she gobbled down the entire state of Texas? She's put him in a lose-lose situation, much as she does with her family. And us. So, clearly, everyone, including god, is going to be all, Bitch, stop talking!
After the part about where she goes into the closet to talk to her iPod, we have no idea what's happening, so we're going to move on...
“Genesis 19:16 – “And while he (Lot) lingered, the men took hold of his hand, his wife’s hand and the hands of his two daughters, the Lord, being merciful to him, and they brought him out and set him outside the city.” Two things jump out at me in this verse. First, it is so encouraging that even when we drag our feet in obedience, God in His mercy, will grab our hands and lead us to safety if we are His. Secondly, once again, God saves the whole household. I love that about God’s ways and I’m grateful.”
So now, not only has she unloaded her fatty tendencies on god, but she's just, like, Oh, yeah, my family's a mess, but "God saves the whole household"! Perhaps god should have spelled "Stifle it!" in French fries for her to have gotten the picture because, clearly, she hasn't sacrificed an ounce of praise. You know, the mommy in me thinks the mommy in her should take some accountability for the way things are in her house. Especially if she's going to go so far as to not only be the kids' mom but also their teacher.
Ah. Fuck it. What have we learned so far? God's good for convenience and denial.
“Genesis 19:29 – “And it came to pass, when God destroyed the cities of the plain, that God remembered Abraham, and sent Lot out of the midst of the overthrow when He overthrew the cities in which Lot had dwelt.” What comfort. God honors and answers our prayers for our relatives. God will save and rescue our loved ones even if they are in the middle of sin of their own volition. God will send rescuing angels to grab them and pull them out of their sin and provide a place of safety for them. All because of our prayers.”
Call us crazy, but it sounds like here god's just destroying a bunch of crap.
Right.
We forgot.
Convenience and denial.
For those of you who might still be confused at this point, let us attempt to further clarify:
One of our favorite books is Dracula. A brief synopsis of said book could be, "Jonathan Harker goes to work for Count Dracula in Transylvania, learns he is a vampire, escapes and brings back to England a world of trouble."
With Lisa's method of thinking, the same book could be synopsized as "The candy factory funs out of sugar and every fairy, elf and unicorn on the planet is called to make the moon stop crying."
Understand?
“In my Bible study today Beth Moore wrote something that struck me with deep conviction. “Sometimes we do only what we must to get by on a project because we have 15 other projects nipping at our heels. We’re pushed too hard and too fast to go the extra distance excellence demands.” Wow! This is so true in my life. I was feeling pretty discouraged and like I had been letting God down with all my crazy busyness. I quieted my soul and asked God to search my heart and show me how to serve him with excellence rather than barely keeping it all together. While mulling it over, the word “contrapuntal” came to my mind. Since this isn’t a word I’ve thought of since I first heard it from a musician I was dating over 20 years ago, I figured it must be the Holy Spirit. I went to Dictionary.com to look it up. The definition is “having two or more independent but harmonically related melodic parts sounding together.” Musically, this means rather than the more common way to write music which is one melody strengthened by corresponding harmonies, contrapuntal is having more than one melody that work together to create their own harmony of sorts. “So, what does that mean in this context, God?” I think God is telling me that I’m not creating a cacophony with a bunch of discordant responsibilities in my life but they really are all working together. I perceive my main melodies to be: wife & mother, ministry (public & personal,) relationship with Jesus, stuff that must be done in life. Steve suggested to me that God was giving a word of encouragement. My life was not out of tune or out of control, rather God was doing a complex work that all worked together to create something with a unique depth of beauty.”
Oh, god, remember when we said before we'd only believe in you for the food thing? Well, it would be really convenient if you let us believe in you again so that we could ask you to please make Lisa stop using music terminology to try to explain her denial. See, we spent many long hours at frickin' FSU to attain a degree in music. This prattle right here is a.) giving us nasty flashbacks to our 10:45 a.m. 18th-Century Counterpoint class and b.) meaningless. Well, more meaningless than usual. It's as if we started using words from a physics textbook to explain The Wiggles. Or Dracula.
And if you, dear reader, didn't feel like even bothering with the above paragraph, for which we don't blame you at all, it involves Lisa blaming her mess of a life on god's busyness with his plans for her. Surprise!
For a bit of relief from this all, here's a pic of Justice and Maria minus Maria:
“Luke 1:71 - Zacharias Prophecy “That we should be saved from our enemies and from the hand of all who hate us.” What struck me about this passage was the fact that I’m sure the Jewish nation had in their minds what this prophecy meant – they would have a king who would deliver them from oppressive rulers. But God had something different in mind. I think I probably do that often. I assume I know what God is going to do or how he’s going to do it. It would be better to lay down my expectations and simply open myself and surrender to His will, whatever it is.”
Sounds like you're doing an A+ job at surrendering your will to god, Lisa. But let's be scientific about this and take a look at the responsibility scoreboard just to make sure:
God = 100%
Lisa = 0%
Very good, indeed. Oh, and you get extra points, Leese, for taking Bible verses out of context and using them as they suit your needs. Sure, that practice is as ancient as Mindy Cohn's career, but you take it to a new level, lady. Four Stars of David to you!
John 16:13 – “However, when He, the Spirit of Truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth for He will not speak on His own authority but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come.” This verse seems to refute what many teachers preach, that God doesn’t speak to us, except through His Word and that prophecy is not for today. I get the opposite from this Scripture. It seems to me that Jesus is specifically saying that He will send His Spirit and He will speak to us and guide our steps and even give us a heads-up on the future.”
Well, it didn't take Sylvia Browne to predict how this was gonna wrap up. God made the mess, and now he's certainly gonna spritz some holy water and clean it up. In fact, he's gonna bring his son, too! (Well, the place is a mess!) Lisa can just sit back, stuff her face with a Bloomin' Onion, let the kids do their book reports in crayon, spend more of her imaginary money, allow Donut to ruin the carpet, and scrapbook till daddy falls off the roof. No worries!
Here's the thing: of course Lisa Whelchel's not making any resolutions. She doesn't have to. It's all out of her hands.
Except it's not. And therein lies the problem with these laissez-faire religious shenanigans. God's not there to work FOR you. He's there to work WITH you. Guadalupe is there to work FOR you, and Guadalupe doesn't feel like fucking cleaning up your mess any more than you do. ¿Comprende?
Golly, I’m not even through March yet. I’ll continue reading and share some more next week. Happy New Year! (I know it is a bit late but I’m running a bit late in every area this year.)
No, please! Make it stop! There are only so many marginally clever ways we can come up with to explain the convenience-and-denial method. Just tell us about Tucker's 18th, lady! Was it at Chili's so Tucker could get god an employee discount? Or did god spring for Applebee's? And what did god get Tucker, Lisa? Did god make Tucker save the wrapping paper, or was he content to let it be thrown out? Did god even do anything for Tucker's 18th? Or was god too busy apologizing for the Orbit gum on Christmas?
We'll have to wait until next for none of the answers to these and many more questions. In the meantime, god bless you, Charlotte Rae.
Ladies and gentleman, it's the first proper entry of 2007! Well, kind of. Well, not really.
At the beginning of this year, rather than make New Year’s resolutions, I looked backwards at 2006.
Sounds about right. Resolutions require more work in that they're vows still to be broken. Easier for Lisa to look back on what's already been ruined.
I spent one whole afternoon reading through my journal and thanking God and marveling at so many promises fulfilled and areas of growth through challenges.
We're pretty sure god was the one marveling here when he heard Lisa say "promises fulfilled" and "areas of growth." Unless she was talking about her waist. If that's the case, we, and god, stand corrected.
I thought I’d simply share a few snippets from my journal to give you a snapshot of my heart in 2006 and God’s faithfulness to care for it so tenderly, yet powerfully, especially through His Word. (I’ve also included a few pictures from the same time frame.)
Nothing about Tucker's 18th? Jeez. Pics from last year DO NOT count.
Fine. Let's see what she has to say.
“God, I want to be whatever size and weight you want me to be. I relinquish my opinion on what that should be. Whatever the weight, I need your help to get there and stay there. Like everything else in my life, I am unable to do anything in my own strength. I admit my inability. Please have Your way in me as I submit to You. Please fill me with Your power as I admit my weakness. Give me faith to believe you have heard and are faithful to answer. Thank You.”
OK. Forget that we were ever interested in Tucker's birthday.
BWHA?!?!?!?!?!??! First of all, THIS is what she chooses to be at the top of her 2007 prayer priority list? Is that, um, OK? Seriously. We don't know. We've fortunately never read the entire Old Testament. And all we really know of the New Testament is that for the movie version, Andrew Lloyd Webber added an unnecessary second-act song for Yvonne Elliman. But, common sense would have us believe that when one asks something of god, it's probably holiest to start off with something, well, selfless and non-refreshment-related.
Second of all, please note here that Lisa Whelchel is relinquishing her inability to eat non-fried foods to the mercy of god. We just want to make sure you totally understand what's happening. Got it? Good. That clarified, we'd like to inform all readers of this site that we have just put ourselves on Lisa Whelchel's Heavenly Diet™. We'll even share our first dietary prayer (chocolate-hued, thank you) so that, should you be interested, you'll be able to join us.
God, even though we don't believe in you, we're willing to make an exception so that, like your disciple, former child actress and current self-appointed bike ambassador Lisa Whelchel, we can eat this entire box of Ding-Dongs in front of us and not feel an ounce of guilt. Certainly if you're open to taking the blame for Lisa, and now us, turning into Poseidon Adventure-era Shelley Winters, you're cool with us believing in you just for this one item. See, Lisa likes to teach others about Christianity, and if we've learned anything from her, it's that the tenets of said religion are to be interpreted as one wishes and at one's convenience. More importantly, these Ding-Dongs are de-licious!
“I felt led to fight for the peace of our family. There is so much strife between the kids. I asked God what I should fast from. I was surprised when He told me to offer the sacrifice of praise. Bummer. I wanted to fast food and lose some weight as a side bonus. I have been going into my closet with my ipod and portable speakers and singing and speaking praise and worship. It makes sense. I’m learning that the root of the strife in our home is pride. So worship directly combats that pride. Also, elevating and exalting Jesus puts our puniness in perspective producing humility. Also worship enters the spirit realm and it permeates the atmosphere of our home driving out the prince of this world with the presence of the Prince of Peace.”
As if it couldn't get better, Lisa is now surprised that god didn't tell her to give up food, but, instead, told her to quit bugging him. Need we again stress how convenient this is? And, why on earth did she want to "fast food," as she says (which we obviously think is more than a Freudian slip)? She just cleared it with god that her huge hips are going to be his fault, so why would she think he gave a shit if she gobbled down the entire state of Texas? She's put him in a lose-lose situation, much as she does with her family. And us. So, clearly, everyone, including god, is going to be all, Bitch, stop talking!
After the part about where she goes into the closet to talk to her iPod, we have no idea what's happening, so we're going to move on...
“Genesis 19:16 – “And while he (Lot) lingered, the men took hold of his hand, his wife’s hand and the hands of his two daughters, the Lord, being merciful to him, and they brought him out and set him outside the city.” Two things jump out at me in this verse. First, it is so encouraging that even when we drag our feet in obedience, God in His mercy, will grab our hands and lead us to safety if we are His. Secondly, once again, God saves the whole household. I love that about God’s ways and I’m grateful.”
So now, not only has she unloaded her fatty tendencies on god, but she's just, like, Oh, yeah, my family's a mess, but "God saves the whole household"! Perhaps god should have spelled "Stifle it!" in French fries for her to have gotten the picture because, clearly, she hasn't sacrificed an ounce of praise. You know, the mommy in me thinks the mommy in her should take some accountability for the way things are in her house. Especially if she's going to go so far as to not only be the kids' mom but also their teacher.
Ah. Fuck it. What have we learned so far? God's good for convenience and denial.
“Genesis 19:29 – “And it came to pass, when God destroyed the cities of the plain, that God remembered Abraham, and sent Lot out of the midst of the overthrow when He overthrew the cities in which Lot had dwelt.” What comfort. God honors and answers our prayers for our relatives. God will save and rescue our loved ones even if they are in the middle of sin of their own volition. God will send rescuing angels to grab them and pull them out of their sin and provide a place of safety for them. All because of our prayers.”
Call us crazy, but it sounds like here god's just destroying a bunch of crap.
Right.
We forgot.
Convenience and denial.
For those of you who might still be confused at this point, let us attempt to further clarify:
One of our favorite books is Dracula. A brief synopsis of said book could be, "Jonathan Harker goes to work for Count Dracula in Transylvania, learns he is a vampire, escapes and brings back to England a world of trouble."
With Lisa's method of thinking, the same book could be synopsized as "The candy factory funs out of sugar and every fairy, elf and unicorn on the planet is called to make the moon stop crying."
Understand?
“In my Bible study today Beth Moore wrote something that struck me with deep conviction. “Sometimes we do only what we must to get by on a project because we have 15 other projects nipping at our heels. We’re pushed too hard and too fast to go the extra distance excellence demands.” Wow! This is so true in my life. I was feeling pretty discouraged and like I had been letting God down with all my crazy busyness. I quieted my soul and asked God to search my heart and show me how to serve him with excellence rather than barely keeping it all together. While mulling it over, the word “contrapuntal” came to my mind. Since this isn’t a word I’ve thought of since I first heard it from a musician I was dating over 20 years ago, I figured it must be the Holy Spirit. I went to Dictionary.com to look it up. The definition is “having two or more independent but harmonically related melodic parts sounding together.” Musically, this means rather than the more common way to write music which is one melody strengthened by corresponding harmonies, contrapuntal is having more than one melody that work together to create their own harmony of sorts. “So, what does that mean in this context, God?” I think God is telling me that I’m not creating a cacophony with a bunch of discordant responsibilities in my life but they really are all working together. I perceive my main melodies to be: wife & mother, ministry (public & personal,) relationship with Jesus, stuff that must be done in life. Steve suggested to me that God was giving a word of encouragement. My life was not out of tune or out of control, rather God was doing a complex work that all worked together to create something with a unique depth of beauty.”
Oh, god, remember when we said before we'd only believe in you for the food thing? Well, it would be really convenient if you let us believe in you again so that we could ask you to please make Lisa stop using music terminology to try to explain her denial. See, we spent many long hours at frickin' FSU to attain a degree in music. This prattle right here is a.) giving us nasty flashbacks to our 10:45 a.m. 18th-Century Counterpoint class and b.) meaningless. Well, more meaningless than usual. It's as if we started using words from a physics textbook to explain The Wiggles. Or Dracula.
And if you, dear reader, didn't feel like even bothering with the above paragraph, for which we don't blame you at all, it involves Lisa blaming her mess of a life on god's busyness with his plans for her. Surprise!
For a bit of relief from this all, here's a pic of Justice and Maria minus Maria:
“Luke 1:71 - Zacharias Prophecy “That we should be saved from our enemies and from the hand of all who hate us.” What struck me about this passage was the fact that I’m sure the Jewish nation had in their minds what this prophecy meant – they would have a king who would deliver them from oppressive rulers. But God had something different in mind. I think I probably do that often. I assume I know what God is going to do or how he’s going to do it. It would be better to lay down my expectations and simply open myself and surrender to His will, whatever it is.”
Sounds like you're doing an A+ job at surrendering your will to god, Lisa. But let's be scientific about this and take a look at the responsibility scoreboard just to make sure:
God = 100%
Lisa = 0%
Very good, indeed. Oh, and you get extra points, Leese, for taking Bible verses out of context and using them as they suit your needs. Sure, that practice is as ancient as Mindy Cohn's career, but you take it to a new level, lady. Four Stars of David to you!
John 16:13 – “However, when He, the Spirit of Truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth for He will not speak on His own authority but whatever He hears He will speak; and He will tell you things to come.” This verse seems to refute what many teachers preach, that God doesn’t speak to us, except through His Word and that prophecy is not for today. I get the opposite from this Scripture. It seems to me that Jesus is specifically saying that He will send His Spirit and He will speak to us and guide our steps and even give us a heads-up on the future.”
Well, it didn't take Sylvia Browne to predict how this was gonna wrap up. God made the mess, and now he's certainly gonna spritz some holy water and clean it up. In fact, he's gonna bring his son, too! (Well, the place is a mess!) Lisa can just sit back, stuff her face with a Bloomin' Onion, let the kids do their book reports in crayon, spend more of her imaginary money, allow Donut to ruin the carpet, and scrapbook till daddy falls off the roof. No worries!
Here's the thing: of course Lisa Whelchel's not making any resolutions. She doesn't have to. It's all out of her hands.
Except it's not. And therein lies the problem with these laissez-faire religious shenanigans. God's not there to work FOR you. He's there to work WITH you. Guadalupe is there to work FOR you, and Guadalupe doesn't feel like fucking cleaning up your mess any more than you do. ¿Comprende?
Golly, I’m not even through March yet. I’ll continue reading and share some more next week. Happy New Year! (I know it is a bit late but I’m running a bit late in every area this year.)
No, please! Make it stop! There are only so many marginally clever ways we can come up with to explain the convenience-and-denial method. Just tell us about Tucker's 18th, lady! Was it at Chili's so Tucker could get god an employee discount? Or did god spring for Applebee's? And what did god get Tucker, Lisa? Did god make Tucker save the wrapping paper, or was he content to let it be thrown out? Did god even do anything for Tucker's 18th? Or was god too busy apologizing for the Orbit gum on Christmas?
We'll have to wait until next for none of the answers to these and many more questions. In the meantime, god bless you, Charlotte Rae.
posted by The NB at 1/22/2007
35 Comments:
"And all we really know of the New Testament is that for the movie version, Andrew Lloyd Webber added an unnecessary second-act song for Yvonne Elliman."
And that's all we Jews ever need to know about that.
All the drinks you want at the Duplex are on me. Name the time and name your poison.
I think there is WAY more going on here. Her journal entries were hinting at something much deeper. Strife in the home? Resucing loved ones from the sin of their own volition? References to the story of Lot? What do you all think?
On a shallower note, I have to say, I didn't think born-agains could have good sex until I saw that photo of Justice and Maria. They look positively in lust with each other.
Me thinks Daddy might have fallen off the roof and onto the vagina of someone else, that Tucker's newfound independence via Chili's is a major threat, Haven's saving up for her Harley and Clancy wants a career outside the home.
I took the name of the Lord in vain at least ten times while reading her latest Coffee Talk entry. And I practically pissed myself laughing at the "contrapuntal" thing. I'm sure she only slipped that in to make it look like she reads more books than the Bible.
Her work this week was so pathetic, it made me spew. Thank you NB for giving us the entry that Whelchel Cauble should have.
Sorry for so many bodily functions in previous post.
Must go and hose down. Will behave better next week.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: this bitch has a serious eating disorder. I swear she is totally obsessed with food. She needs medication/counseling/overeaters anonymous, something!! btw, "scrapbook till daddy falls off the roof" - ROFL! If you are EVER in Atlanta, I will buy you a drink to thank you for all the laughs.
I'm pretty sure Tucker is 17. He can't be 18.
And she owes him a huge blow-out birthday bash, after the way she humiliated him last year.
I hope she's saving her money. Haven and Clancey are entitled to major "Super Sweet-16" parties also. Are they 16 yet?
I love it when parents throw the biggest birthday parties on the block for their kids.
And Lisa can't get away with not doing it.
Maybe she's developing the pictures. But if we don't hear about all the major doings for Tucker's recent birthday.....soon, then there's a problem.
Peace, Maxine
Mrs. Garrett is totally trying to escape the clutches of Lisa in that last photo. Poor thing -- her eyes are bloodshot, probably from having to pay attention to Lisa's incoherent ramblings, prayer interventions and massive consumption of trans-fats. Run, Charlotte Rae.... run as fast as you can!!!!!
Ten bucks says Tucker knocks up one of the Chili's waitresses before he "graduates" from homehighschool.
Poor Charlotte is going to need a Jazzy if she wants to escape Lisa's clutches.
Wow! So many drink offers, we just couldn't stay silent. Anonymous drink offerer #1, Blair Necessities headquarters is around the corner from the Duplex, so a good time would be anytime and the poison would be a Tanqueray martini, VERY dirty.
As for Atlanta, anonymous drink offerer #2, we are there often, as a matter of fact. We've spent many a night drunk dancing at Mary's. If we visit anytime soon, we'll be sure to let you know.
It's nice to see this blog finally paying off in booze!
Oh, and as for Tucker's age, someone commented on another post that he's turning 18, so we just went with that. He could very well be 17. The conundrum we face here is that, to find out for sure, we'd have to do some research, which, obviously, is not an option.
Again, muchas gracias for the comments, lads and ladies!
I got tired of being the " weekly Anonymous poster". I am the gal who got the bitchy letter from Lisa re her bankruptcy woes and other things. I LIVE for this blog, LOL.
OK, to this week's entry. Let's look a bit " deeper", if that is possible in an airhead's ( Lisa's) blog..
Lisa is, first of all, posting things from HER personal journal, something she rarely, if ever, has done on her website before unless it was something really trivial.
She is opening up and showing a LOT of pain, people. First of all, the references to Lot and Abraham and the plights of their families and how God rescued them from certain destruction.. She is applying the same Old Testament principles to HER family and asking God to deliver HER family from sin and destruction in early 2006 and is indicating that the same woes are still present today, a year later.
I don't think we are talking normal teen angst with the kiddos here. Surely she isn't that shallow. I think it's Steve and their relationship. I think they have coasted along until the kids were grown and now it's crisis time... He's getting old, she's not a perky little thing any longer but still not in his AARP age group.
I also firmly stick by my belief that she is bulimic and a binger/ purger and has been since her fat days on FOL.
I only live about 30 miles from her house and would LOVE to get my snarky hands on that journal. I think she filters the truth so much and so hard in her mind that it is closer to telling outright lies most of the time. This week was an exception.
So was the bankruptcy admission a few years ago.. that's when she stopped being honest, LOL.
Ah, the bankrutpcy thing.
I reread that the other day. The only issue I have with that is her blaming the whole thing on her business manager. I think she should take responsibility for making bad investments and/or bad choices. Saying the whole thing was someone else's fault---I'm not buyin' it.
But I like how she came to the decision not to fight the bank, and she said after much soul searching, she didn't think God would be by her side if she fought back....so they decided to declare bankruptcy. Lots of people file bankruptcy, so it didn't seem all that unusual to me.
In the end, I think they settled with the Bank. She didn't reveal too much more about the situation.
As for her and Steve having problems...who knows?
My feeling? My psychic powers tell me the move to Texas was wrong to begin with. They had a nice life in California. Perhaps she didn't like being just another former actress, which is what she was in CA. Aging former actresses are a dime-a-dozen out here.
In Texas, she could really be a star. A big fish in a little pond. But in CA, she'd be just another has-been like everybody else.
I think that had a lot to do with the move. I don't believe her little story that it was all Steve's idea, either.
I also thought it was unfair to blame Clancey for not making friends (Clancey was the one who didn't have a friend for 3 years, right?) It wasn't Clancey's decision to move across country. The kids had plenty of friends back in CA. Pretty unfair to expect Clancey to adjust right away.
Those kids loved it in CA. Another example of Lisa putting her needs above her kids?
Peace, Maxine
I bet they left CA because Steve had an affair, so they moved out of state so that the Texas Jesus could look after them instead of the harlot CA Jesus.
TexasGal...what bitchy letter from Lisa??? Is there a link?
Also...I grew up with people like Lisa and her ilk, and I can assure you, the most basic manifestation of child development sends these people screaming into the pews, crying out to Jesus to save their little heathens from enternal damnation. All of that "God saves the whole family" business probably stems from Lisa catching Tucker with his shirt untucked or something. Pun most definitely intended.
Off topic, but only sort of...did anybody see that video of Charlotte Rae calling Joan Collins a bitch? That's all I can think of when I see that photo of Lisa and Charlotte. They both kind of creep me out individually, but together...*shudder*.
I think the observation about Lisa not being able to get that much attention in California is very astute indeed.
Just to jump on the drink bandwagon...NB, if you're ever in London I'll take you for a garlic shot! It's like alcoholic pizza sauce! For serious!
Caution- long reply to answer several questions- Sorry :)
Honeys, I was raised in a large Southern Baptist Church in the deep South, so I know all about religion and family life. I'm as non- warped as a person can be because I saw right through the "God as an excuse" BS.
My parents were NOT hand-wringing and praying over my developing body and raging hormones, either. ( I am an only child to boot, and am proud to say that I was a wild one on top of that).
Nope, all of Lisa's hand-wringing prayer and tears over her near perfect kids are a smoke screen and always have been, IMO.
Let's face it, without those puppies, just HOW would Lisa define herself ? She can't cook or do traditional housewifey things like Steve probably wanted her to do when he married her, she doesn't like any tr volunteer ( that means not paid to do, Lisa) pastor's wife type stuff, IF one can even describe Steve's telecommunications job as a pastoral job by any stretch of the imagination. Her career as any type of actress stalled dead in the water once the FOL folded and " Twirl" went straight to video.
She has no post- secondary formal education, and was as motivated to go to college and enter the professional world as those three children of hers are.
FWIW, a very sore subject of mine is her children's lack of higher educational aspirations. It's downright scary how neither Lisa nor Steve have instilled the need for a strong college education and marketable professional job skills into these teenagers!!
As far as the bankruptcy goes, if one remembers, her attitude was: This happened SOO many years ago, we are going to get out from under it and let it go because WE don't owe those people anything and they are unfair.
Well, Lisa, even spoiled ex- actresses sometimes don't get to toss their hair, smile sweetly, hand out autographed books and get their way like you tried to do at the debtor and creditor's meeting.
To the person who asked: No, I did not keep the emails which were sent over FOUR years ago now by proxy through her candy ass manager Ron in Nashville, but came straight from Lisa's computer.
And no, she never did come clean about the outcome of the business arrangements. My strong suspicion is that they did declare bankruptcy in CA just before leaving for TX, and that her mother signed on their home construction loan here in Texas. Their home deed is listed as a " Special deed", which is very unusual. I could go look it up but lack sufficient motivation, to be honest. Texas has weirdly strict laws governing lending for new construction. Something to do with liens and various contractors' rights. Most national lending institutions will not do business with a homeowner building in Texas due to the nutso lien laws. I am fairly certain that they bought the house during the construction phase because of Lisa's hissy fit over the color of wood finish on the staircase. Remember that? It was stained oak, she wanted cherry. Mom as financial backer would explain all of Genny's meetings with bankers, builders, etc which Lisa described in detail in her blog. During all that time, Genny actually lived halfway across the country in CA, not in TX as we have been led to believe for many years, thanks to Mrs. Whelchel-Cauble's deliberate denseness.
But then again, it fits the pattern. Lisa lied and lied and misled again when they moved to Texas. Her stated reason for moving was so her children could be close to HER family and their " Godly influences". Let's see... what family would that be again? Her grandmother? Nope. Sadly, Nanny passed away after many months of near death episodes. Her mother, whom she inserted into every discussion about the fabulous (snicker) house they were having built over near Robson Ranch? Nope, recently we found out through a blog entry that her mother actually lives and works full time in CA. The Colemans do own some property in the Denton/ Collin Co. TX area, but nothing substantial and it is certainly not their permanent residence. Lisa totally misled everyone about the motives for the move. I think she wanted a bigger house cheaper because she had written several times that in Texas, she could have twice the house for half the price, which is certainly true compared to CA. Also, she is correct in saying that the DFW airport is rather centrally located in the country to all her many Mom and God talks( which mostly support her husband and her children, of course).
The only family I know of that she has living in Texas are an aunt and cousin or two and her plumber father and step-mother in Fort Worth. Somehow, I don't think she is exactly proud of daddy dearest in contrast to step-daddy Roy. I have never seen a photo of her step-mother after all these years, and I have looked and looked through Lisa's many family photos. Maybe I missed the woman somehow, but it's clear that she is not high on Lisa's extended family tree.
"Texas, she could have twice the house for half the price, which is certainly true compared to CA."----Above Quote
That rationale makes no sense.
Remember, we are talking about a family who spent a year living in a cramped motor home. I'm sure they could have managed in the "tiny" California home.
Just think of it: had she held onto the California home, it would have been worth millions by now. California real estate has skyrocketed in the past couple of years.
First rule of California Real Estate: You don't sell land, ever---you hold onto it. Actually that goes for anywhere.
She should have taken out a second, third, fourth? mortagage on the California place, and simply used that money to buy something else, or add on, or whatever.
Bottom Line: they traded down, and ended up taking a loss....and again, it's hard to believe that space was so important given that they'd managed just fine living in a trailer and cramped hotels for a year. I'm sure the California home was bigger than that.
More importantly, they took their kids out of a stable environment which the kids had grown up in, and moved the kids across the Country.
It was all Lisa's idea. They tried to act like it was Steve's decision. As if he would play the heavy---but we all know Lisa wears the pants in that family. The kids were smart enough to know she orchestrated the whole thing.
That California home would be worth millions by now. She took the kids' birthright, their inheritance---that CA home, and just threw it away---took a loss....and all because they need more space?
It's easier for her to go on her little jaunts using the Dulles Airport. It was too inconvenient, for Lisa, to go through LAX....so sell the CA home, and move the kids to Texas!
Very self-serving. Lisa did what was in her best interest. She wasn't thinking of the kids' best interest. Very selfish.
You know there are a lot of Parents who are forced to move, because of job, illness, Katrina etc...
This move of Lisa's to Texas was completely voluntary, and done for selfish reasons.
Peace, Maxine
Thanks guys. You have some interesting insights to her actions that I had never considered. I'd formulated my own theories on why she moved (some of them involving debt and its avoidance) but you've filled in some gaps for me.
I agree totally that the move was for Lisa really. I can't believe she can lie completely bare-faced about her mother living in Texas when she doesn't. I think it is true that the more a person lies, the harder it is for them to remember what actually is the truth and eventually, they trip themselves up.
Some time ago, someone wrote on here that Lisa is living out another script in her head and I have to agree. Lisa was brought up to believe she could just snap her fingers and Mommy/Daddy would make it happen. In many ways, she still lives like that now it seems.
All of this only leaves me with two possible conclusions: either she is completely delusional and actually believes what she writes in her blog is true OR she is a consummate fibber, she knows it and she's taking everyone else for a ride.
I really hope it is the first one. I just don't want to believe that she's knowingly a complete and total liar. I've been reading her blog for so long and I just feel offended by that notion really.
However, deluded I can deal with.
"That California home would be worth millions by now. She took the kids' birthright, their inheritance---that CA home, and just threw it away---took a loss....and all because they need more space?"
I'm being a little nitpicky here, but I believe they lived in the Santa Clarita area when they were in CA... I did some very quick research and it's more likely their home would be somewhere in the $700k-900k range by now, judging from what I've seen in the photos she's posted. No small change by any means, but not millions either.
The move doesn't seem to make much sense but I'm guessing they wanted/needed some money ASAP and figured that moving to a state with a cheaper cost of living was the quickest way to do it. (I'm neither defending nor criticizing that choice... I'm just saying.)
She does seem to be falling apart lately. Something's up.
Gaaah about the merits of real estate!
Maybe I can make a few things clearer. Lisa's CA house was not large. There are photos on her website. It was not new. It was the only home they ever owned in CA. They had a bankruptcy and this was the only house they were able to purchase afterwards. I think it was a 3/2 with bedrooms over the garage on a very small lot. I have seen photos and it is what I consider to be a " starter" house.
I know the PRICE of real estate is high in CA, but I do understand from her endless blog posts that Lisa had recently seen the new developments and rapid growth in the Grapevine TX area on visits here in the past few years and was impressed by the space and the size of the McMansions. Let's face it, she IS a very superficial person.
Maybe it can be argued that she " traded down" if one is hooked on CA living, hours long traffic jams, earthquakes, wildfires, etc.... and truly believes that CA property will always hold its value no matter what. I think people live where they choose to live, or where their careers take them. Lisa's house was NOT a Hollywood house by any stretch of the imagination. Her first condo might have been, but she and Steve squandered that money away during their first year of marriage somehow. That's another story which has never been fully explained.
Maybe it can also be argued that for a family of 5, a 4500 sq ft house with acreage on a golf course, in a gated community and with a much larger backyard pool, etc makes more sense in the long run. I don't know for certain. I do know that their CA house was cramped for the girls, not liked by the family and they didn't have the money to buy a larger house in CA. They were involved in the Northside earthquake while living in a rental house during the first bankruptcy mess, and just before they left CA, there was a huge wildfire in a national forest at the edge of their subdivision ( photos on her site).
She posted that the TX house was the first house where every child had their own bedroom for the first time, and I think that's kind of pitiful for those teenagers.
It's not like they are the Brady Bunch.
It can be argued that Lisa could have gone back to acting, that Steve could have found a job commisurate with CA living standards, etc and I agree, but they didn't do either one, not for all the years they lived out there popping out kids and slogging through kiddy hell, did they? NOO.
About Lisa's fantasy world: Eleanor Rigby is one more smart cookie. Lisa's book " Facts of Life, etc, etc" waxes poetic about her childhood on Lake Worth. People, Lake Worth homes are, with possibly a very few exceptions, tiny dismal dumps, more like fishing shacks. Maybe it wasn't so when she was a child, but it is downright scary looking now. It's a shame because the lake is pretty and it could be a pretty residential section of Fort Worth if every old falling down shack was demolished.
Also, Casa Manana, where she was bitten by the acting bug, is on a main street in Fort Worth. She writes as if it is Broadway. It's a very small, old, musty looking place with not much activity at all. I felt strange seeing the places she writes about like they are heaven on earth to her as an adult.
We all have childhood memories, but if we had a happy childhood and adulthood, we put those memories in the proper context.
I agree with Eleanor's idea that Lisa turned a corner at some point in her life and no longer sees the harsh reality of truth. She fell through the rabbit hole and her truth is not our truth.
Perhaps an eating disorder is the crux of the forced fantasy life, perhaps she was abused as a child at some point and stopped maturing emotionally, or perhaps she has been on a psychotrophic medication for quite some time which has affected her sense of reality.
I remember her story of wearing two different shoes to a speaking engagement once and thought that was quite " off", since these churches pay her around $15,000 for an hour's worth of praise- babble.
"I don't know for certain. I do know that their CA house was cramped for the girls, not liked by the family and they didn't have the money to buy a larger house in CA."---Texasgal
Do you really think the kids wanted to move out of CA ??? Her kids were completely against the move. She admitted that in posts from back then.
In Argyle, Texas...Lisa Whelchel is the biggest star they've ever seen. In Santa Clarita, CA....she's maybe one rung up from Gary Coleman, and that's being generous. Ok, maybe she's on the same level as Todd Bridges....on a good day. Nobody is impressed with the name Lisa Whelchel in Southern California. But, in Texas, I imagine she's htt stuff. Lisa's probably the biggest celebrity they've ever seen, and living in their own backyard.
I'm sure she craved that kind of adulation, which she'd never have in California.
The irony, is that Tucker, once he hits 18, will probably move back to CA. Both Haven and Tucker have showbiz ambitions, and are probably just counting the days until they both can return...with, or without Lisa!
Peace, Maxine
"It's downright scary how neither Lisa nor Steve have instilled the need for a strong college education and marketable professional job skills into these teenagers!!"
Well, Tucker is only 17, just days ago. He's not college age yet. So, we don't really know what colleges, if any, the kids will end up at. Haven, or Clancey expressed an interest in some bible College, which I forget the name of. Sigh. With Tucker, it sounds like he has a bit of a work ethic and willingness to work at Chick-Fil-A, and Chilis...or is he simply trying to earn enough money, and sock it away, till such time as he can get the h*ll oughta Dodge???
There are a lot of Homeschoolers that are on a College-prep track. I don't know what Lisa's situation is.
University at Austin is a very good school. SMU, Texas A & M. If they're determined to stay in Texas, she should be directing the kids to one of those. Perhaps Tucker could major in music theory, if that's where his interests lie.
Hopefully, the kids will all get into substantial, solid Universities. It would validate and legitimize all the Homeschool stuff Lisa has touted for years.
If not, Lisa is going to have a tough time justifying her Homeschool ravings.
I do think even the worst Homeschooling is better than average Goverment schools, though.
Peace, Maxine
A little off subject but kind of relates to my Maria/Justice comment in my earlier post and to Lisa, since Ted was one of her mentors:
TED HAGGARD SAYS EVANGELICALS HAVE THE 'BEST SEX LIFE': Much has been made of America's so-called religious divide, but few of the discussions and debates resemble Alexandra Pelosi's new film, "Friends of God." The HBO documentary shows the Rev. Ted Haggard, the former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, talking frankly about how evangelical Christians have sex more than any other religious group. Haggard resigned from the church in 2006, after a scandal linked him to drugs and a male prostitute.
Jean,
Curiosity killed the cat.
When did Lisa wax poetic about Ted Haggard?
I've never heard of the pervert, but then, I don't travel in the Jimmy Swaggart/ Jim Baker circles of the world, LOL.
I've read endless prattle from her about being raised as a Baptist, then joining up with the Foursquare Church in CA, where she met fate, er, Steve, of course but nothing about some head of the Evangelical movement.
That reminds me- About 2 months ago, she started on a journey down memory lane with photos and essays of all the churches which have been a part of her 40-something life, then she dropped the project and never returned. I think the next thing posted were the stupid photos of her adult- sized offspring on kiddie toys at DFW airport.
Wonder what she chose to censor out about her most precious spiritual history? Maybe she forgot where she's been? LOL.
I'll give your NervyB's commentary on it as its way better than Lisa's actual blog entry:
http://theblairnecessities.blogspot.com/2006/11/put-out-to-pastor.html
hi my name is helga and i'm from iceland. i've been reading your site for a couple of months now and i love it! my favorite part of lisa's site is http://www.lisawhelchel.com/parents.htm
her parenting advise is the best i've ever seen. especially the part about blessing the kids room when they're not home. and of course the bigotry against everyone who's not like her/them. i truly feel bad for her kids. they must be so embarrased. please don't yell at me for my spelling. english is after all my second language ;)
(i must confess that i cannot tolerate bad grammar & spelling and in my native tounge i do not make mistakes)
Oh, that's right: She completely dropped the "Journey of all the previous Churches"....right around the time of the first bankruptcy ??? She cut it off right about there.
JANUARY 27, 2007: Lisa is STILL on the Daniel Fast....and finding that it's not that difficult. Duh! Because it's not a fast, it's the way you are supposed to eat normally!
As a matter of fact, Lisa looks the best, this week, (Jan 27) than she has for a long time. I think the Daniel Fast is doing wonders for her hair and skin. Her complexion is better than ever, and her hair is growing out...and is kind of approaching the good 'Blair' hair, at least in color, of 1980 !
It's a shame she seems to think that's just a "fast" and not the normal way she eats. All that junky fried food made her complexion look dead. I can't say enough about this week's pictures---it's like she's back to her glamorous self! Lisa, stay on this "fast" if you know what's good for you!
And, TUCKER....OMG, he's not wearing the "Purity" ring anymore. WHAAAAAAAAAA Happened? Could it be? Seriously take a look at the Tucker photos this week (Jan 27). Where's the "Purity" ring? And, I want details. Right? Lisa made a big deal about that "Purity" ring, so isn't she now obligated to expain what happened to it?
And, it seemed like she's ok with it. Both Mama and son look incredibly relaxed, healthy, and happy. Or, is that just for show?
Lastly, "before Tucker leaves home".....next year ?? Where's Tucker going? Yes, he'll be 18, but have they already decided he needs to leave their home? Were the non-negotiables violated.
In Italy children live with their parents till an average age of 32.
I guess the Caubles have no Italian blood?
Peace, Maxine
(January 27, 2007)
OMG---I had to look twice, but is Tucker wearing a Led Zepplin T-shirt?
That's amazing !!! Is Led Zepplin Christian? Boy, Tucker has really taken a turn.
He's drifted, that boy.
Isn't it true that on Led Zepplin's 'Houses Of The Holy' album, and that song "Stairway To Heaven" ---when you play it backwards....they embedded satanic messages in the songs!!!!
Tucker's into Led Zepplin ??? Promoting Satanic lyrics on a T-Shirt, on a Christian cruise ???????
This can't be.
But, seriously, she looks fabulous in that one portrait. She totally looks better than "Angela Thomas" whoever that is. She looks better in that portrait than the weird picture she's got on her site's title page!
Peace, Maxine
Oh I agree! This diet has done wonders for her! She looks fabulous! If she knows what's good for her (which she clearly doesn't) she should stick with this "fast" which is really the actually way she is supposed to be eating. Tucker's last hurrah, eh? Next year at this time, he'll be on his own, doing GOD knows what. LOL
oh i forgot to make a comment about that portrait of Lisa, Angela Thomas and Tucker. Hahaha it looks like Lisa and Angela are married and Tucker is the son. I have to admit that picture setup is a little awkward, where the hell is Steve? Have any of you heard of this "Angela Thomas" person before? Apparently she is Lisa's best friend? The other picture of her and Angela shows them in a really comfortable pose. I have a few close friends that I've known for years but I don't tend to take pictures with my hands on their knees. haha Is "someone" covering up a secret with religious fervor? hmm?
Yeah, I have no idea who "Angela Thomas" is , or her supposed relevance. But, hey....I still don't know who "Beth Moore" is either.
Who are these people? Maybe they were extras on Facts Of Life.
One more thing about that portrait: Lisa's nails! Look at her freshly manicured French tips. I love a good French manicure. Seriously, we haven't really been treated to a picture of her nails, I don't think.
And you just know, her hands were specially manicured for that very picture, knowing full well that her nails would be on view. Of course, look at the way "Angela" has to hide her nails in shame. No match for Lisa Whelchel. Hey, maybe Lisa's got a future as a hand model!
We'll see.
Peace, Maxine
I love the Led Zep shirt too. Good old Tucker ... I knew he'd turn one day.
I don't know how he slipped it by Lisa though. Maybe she doesn't know who they were. She was in church when they were in the charts.
Just for those who were wondering ... Angela Thomas is a Christian author. Beth Moore has a women's ministry and and a site called Living Proof. Beth is quite the accomplished speaker and writer and I think Lisa would love to be like her. She makes no secret of telling her readers that at every opportunity. =)
Can't wait to see the feast that NB serves up this week. Lisa has provided such awesome ingredients ...
Yeah, like a FREE CRUISE!!!
Now, that's a comp, even for Leese.
Especially since she threw in some free advertising for her upcoming cruise of her own.
I think her diet ends today ( Sunday).
I see that she's blaming the freebie on Tucker's 17th birthday, ROFLOL. Why couldn't she just say that Tucker deserved a nice birthday present, preferably with Steve AND her?
Where the blue blazes is Steve all the time now, anyway?
I bet she's told everyone that Tucker's going on some mission to Papua, New Guinea for 4 years starting next year, LOL.
Tucker, you need to quit the Madeleine Stowe look. What's Mom going to say?
"Please have Your way in me as I submit to You. Please fill me with Your power"............Bwahahahahaha, she makes it so easy for us don't she? Lol, or are these the last words she said to Steve before he thought "Uh oh, time to get outta here".............thus the REAL reason why we're not hearing about Steve, hmmmmmm?
I'' say this for her; at least she isn't as judgmental of somebody going through a hard time (Jamie-Lynn Spears) as a certain other born-again ex-child star with an organization he created to help other child stars going through problems. That, I'll grant her.
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