Monday, January 08, 2007

The Coffee Talk Companion: "On Target."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Happy new year! We see you've kept yourselves busy whilst we were ringing in 2007. And, apparently, so has Lisa. For her first Coffee Talk entry of the new naught, she fills us in on her Christmas activities. And you thought the holidays were over! Ho ho. Ho.



Because I’ve been such a derelict these last few months when it comes to serving up a fresh brewed cup of Coffee Talk, I’ve decided to catch you up on at least the random happenings of December.

A late Christmas miracle! Lisa calls herself out on her transgressions! Lisa HAS been a derelict, and the Coffee Talk entries HAVE been stale. And that introductory paragraph promises... this entry will be no different.

After the MomTime party, which I wrote about two weeks ago, it was time for our annual “Target Party” for the Cauble kids.

"Target Party." Could this be what we think it is?

Each year, they invite their friends to the local Target store for a party.

Of course it is! Lisa has used Christmas to force her children to worship at her most precious altar, the one devoted to chain stores and restaurants. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, indeed.

This month Tucker had to work so he couldn’t join us.

Way to go, Tucks! You know, we kind of made fun of Tucker for getting a job at Chili's because it seemed he was maybe living out some unfulfilled dream of his mother's: to work at a chain restaurant. But now it may very well be that Tucker is using fire to fight fire, or, more precisely, using chain to fight chain. Very good, dude. VERY good.

Another deviation from tradition, albeit a great one, was the fact that all of the girls spent the night with us the night before. So, I went to Target early and bought $5.00 gift cards for every girl, Sharpee’d their names on them, and hid them for the morning Advent Calendar hunt (another Cauble tradition.)

First of all, period outside the close parenthesis, please.

Second of all, "Sharpee'd"? Oh, no, no, no. The Xerox Effect has not had its way with markers, Lisa. And certainly not in the verb form. You "wrote" their names on the gift cards. You did not "Sharpee" them. (Oh, and please be aware that if we did accept the use of "Sharpee'd," which we do not, we would insist it be spelled "Sharpied" and, more importantly, pronounced "Shar-peid." Like the past tense of the dog.)

Third of all, FIVE BUCKS??? Sure it's Target and all, but come on, lady. That's pushing it even with the clearance racks. And we know the clearance racks. We were raised by Jewish women.

Later that morning we carpooled to Target where we put all of the gift cards into a hat, the girls then picked out someone else’s card and they had 15 minutes to go through the store and buy something for that person. It is always so much fun to see which kids actually try to find something good and which ones buy the biggest gag gift they can find.

With five bucks, we're assuming it's mostly gag gifts. As in, "Gee, Clancy, this gift makes me gag."



We usually have a party for our neighbors but that was just one of the balls I dropped this season.

Surely that's one of the rare occasions when someone did not mind the loss of a ball. Hi-o!

I have been so overwhelmed with deadlines that we all have had to admit that our Christmas celebrations were less than spectacular this year. It was also really slow because my brother, Justice and his wife, Maria were not able to join us. So, most all of the family celebrations were small, just the Cauble family and my mom and step dad.

A Justice-less Christmas?!?! That's like a Christmas without snow. Great. Now global heating is limiting the appearance of even hotter half-brothers. Damn you, Al Gore. Damn you.

But we had fun just hanging out with them. Lot’s of cooking, movies, church, game-playing. Just being together without thinking about what work we all should be doing was wonderful in and of itself.

We love how she snuck "church" in there. Especially followed by an astonishing instance of a correct use of a hyphen. We were almost distracted, Lisa. Almost.

Steve had to be out of town for a couple of days so I piled the kids and their friends into the van and we made a quick road trip to the lake in East Texas to visit my relatives there.

OK. Now we just have to go ahead and say it. Thus far, we've been biting our tongue and making unfunny quips about master plans and global warming, but we can no longer do it. It's just not fair. So we're going to lay it on the line, lady...

NO ONE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU ON CHRISTMAS.

That's just how it is. And we're guessing it's because you plan things like mall food hunts and Target parties. And, worst of all, you make people go to church, Lisa. For the love of god, it's Christmas.



My cousin, Nancy, was in town from Florida so it was good to see her and just hang around, eat my Aunt Barbara’s sugar cookies, and enjoy being together.

Clearly Nancy made a wrong turn somewhere in Texas while on her way to another relative. Not "a" wrong turn. "The" wrong turn. Don't worry, Nance. We commiserate. Better luck next year. Here's a tip, Nancy: avoid Texas all together.

Christmas day was as magical as it should be. Full of gifts, home movies. traditions, homemade biscuits, naps, movies, Mexican food, dominoes, just enjoying family.

OK. Let's all sing it together:

One of these things is not like the other.
One of these things just doesn't belong.
Can you tell which thing is not like the other
By the time I finish my song?

And here's a better, if not so tuneful, question:

What fucking Mexican chain restaurant is open on Christmas??? Like, Texas can't even give the illegals a day off? Here's a tip, Mexicans: avoid Texas all together.

Oh, and, please enjoy the photo below. The Cauble children were lucky enough this year to get delicious Orbit gum. Apparently Santa also got a $5 Target gift card from Lisa.



OK.

Now, here comes the grand finale of this Coffee Talk entry. We preface it only because it's honestly the perfect conclusion to the 2006 of Whelchel. Like, so good that Mitchell Hurwitz or Larry David couldn't have come up with a better ending.

Ready?

Enjoy.

My mother bought me a new bike for Christmas.

Yup. Can you believe it? Mom's back. With a bike. Like the Great Vermont Bike Disaster of 2006 never happened. Which, in Lisa and her mother's mind, pretty much didn't.

So, we did something wild and crazy on New Year’s Day. We joined a local bike club for a “New Rear’s Day” 40-mile ride.

Yuuuuuuup. We told you it's perfect. So perfect that we kind of don't know what to say here. Again, Vermont, anyone? Lisa and mother, you both ruined a 29-mile bike trip for a group of actual bikers so you could lick the state dry of every sugary drop of maple syrup, and now you have the gall to join a local bike club for a 40-mile ride?

LADIES!

We actually ended up getting lost and riding over 40 miles. It took us forever! We were the last bikers to come in and they had to send a search party out looking for us.

Perfect. Perfectperfectperfect. Another biking event for which we assume people actually prepared ruined by two selfish, out-of-shape nincompoops. We don't really want to distract the new Democratic congress because it's difficult enough to trust they all know what the 50 stars on Old Glory symbolize, but could we get a bill passed that bars all Whelchels from any subsequent events that involve more than one person and bicycle?

My mom said it was the hardest thing she’s ever done. Oh, but did we ever have fun and make a memory! I can’t wait ‘til the “Freeze Your Fanny in February” ride next month.



Another memory made for Lisa, another memory ruined for everyone else. And that, dear friends, is the moral of the year in the life of Coffee Talk.

We'll be back next week with hopefully the first Cauble news of '07! Right now we have to go deal with this strange gas smell that's permeating our apartment. You know, we woke up earlier and thought we left the oven on, but now it's stronger than ever and wef jknjvkmxc'vl;'l,,ll'zl;;;;;;;;;;........................................

25 Comments:

Blogger Diner Girl said...

I think you should go to Starbucks and do a bible devotional with a hooded sweatshirt pulled over your head. That will help with the whole NY-smelling-like-natural-gas thing. But on to Lisa..... I love how she calls it "the local Target store." Like Target could be anything else. From now on, I'm going to refer to every chain establishment in the Whelchelian: Exxon gas station, Starbucks coffee store, McDonald's quick serve restaurant, Home Depot hardware store... idiot. I hope we get many, many more posts from her about this new biking activity. And, notice how it's her mom who buys the big, expensive gift and not Steve? Way to further emasculate him, as if you didn't do that enough in your Christmas letter, BLAIR, by blaming him for all your family money problems. Oh, and she spelled "Sharpie" incorrectly.

January 08, 2007  
Blogger Diner Girl said...

Oh my God, and I can't believe I forgot this in my earlier post..... I love how she not only descends upon her relative's house in east Texas with her kids, but she also dragged along her KIDS' FRIENDS!!!! Way to impose on your relatives (who already don't give a shit about you) by bringing along EXTRA PEOPLE they DON'T EVEN KNOW OR ARE RELATED TO.

God, I love her self-absorption. I think I'm going to invite her to my house for Easter and see what happens.

January 08, 2007  
Anonymous Jean said...

I'm sorry but there is no way Lisa rode over 40 miles. I'm a biker and even when perfectly flat, 40 miles is quite a trek.

January 08, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

Jean, I was wondering that myself. That's a mighty long trek for an inexperienced biker. Maybe she meant "4" miles and her fingers accidentally slipped?

No I've checked my keyboard. She must have meant that "40". I hope she's not lying to impress us. I know who won't be impressed (pointing skyward).

NB, she's writing these just for us now I think. She's realised we're onto her so she may as well give us what we're looking for.

January 08, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

haha i agree. there is no way in hell she biked over 40 miles!!! Does she think that we didn't know about the Great Vermont Bike Trip (aka her and her mom being complete fatties/ruining the trip for ACTUAL bikers). For f**ks sake, she has no manners at all! You cannot just impose on family (although they are family) with your kids and their friends in tow! And also it doesn't seem like the kids got good stuff for christmas...Orbit gum? Puh-lease! and diner girl... why the hell is Steve always away? I honestly think he's cheating...with another man! Oh would this make some great news! Would Steve's being gay make Lisa turn athiest? I hope so! who the hell has a target party? only goddamn crazy lisa whelchel! UGH! I can't wait to see what "news" she has for 07'. It just has to include more on this biking thing, its just too hilarious!

January 08, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

it looks like she has started writing her journal entries for the writers and readers of this blog. oh well...

January 08, 2007  
Blogger The NB said...

You guys! We kind of have a rule not to respond to comments because we like to keep them free of editorial. But we just have to say that if Lisa is, in fact, writing her journal entries for us, a.) we have won, b.) she's a liar and that's unholy and c.) she's catering to a far smaller audience than if she were just writing for her fans. Well, maybe not "far" smaller. Anyway, we don't think she's writing her entries FOR us, though perhaps she is embellishing them. Whatever the case may be, she can write for whomever she wants. She'll never know how to properly use a comma, and that's good enough for us.

January 08, 2007  
Blogger Diner Girl said...

Y'all.... update on the bike ride. First, it was 38 miles, not 40. Second, it was called "Mike's 7th Annual Happy New Rear Ride." Third, and perhaps MOST important: the bike club served cornbread and black-eyed peas at the end of the race. Found this at: www.bikinmike.com. No photos of Leese and Grandma Gen, though. Sad.

January 08, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OKAY Boys and Girls, Ladies and Gents, what's wrong with THIS entry once again?

A complete lack of the " head of the household" ( yeah, right).
Steve, there is NO Steve Cauble.
No talk about the Cauble family.

Something's afoot, I tell ya. I don't know what exactly, and I don't know when, exactly, but I think that now that the kidlets are practically grown, the marriage is practically dead.

I expect that he will take some long media pastoral assignment FAR away from Texas, like maybe in Hollywood... and never be spoken of again by Ms. Whelchel.

I also think he has himself a little lover boy on the side. Only thing that jives for me. He and Lisa haven't seemed to have that Forrest Gump " peas and carrots" thing going on for a long time, but for him to be totally cut out of the entire Christmas scene speaks volumes to me. I think they are Splitsville.
Let's all bow our heads and LAUGH.

January 08, 2007  
Anonymous Father McKenzie said...

I apologise if this has been posted before but thought it relevant to the current conversation:

(from Lisa's column in "Today's Christian Woman")

Could My Teen Be Gay?
We're worried about his disinterest in dating.
By Lisa Whelchel


My 16-year-old son's more interested in the arts than in athletics, seems to have no interest in girls, and doesn't have many male friends at school or church. With all the publicity about homosexuality today, we can't help but worry our son could be gay. What should we do?

You just described my husband, Steve, as a 16-year-old. He was First Chair in band, never dated, and spent more time working and studying than hanging out with the guys. Today we have a healthy 16-year marriage and three wonderful children. So just because your son doesn't resemble the stereotypical high-school boy doesn't mean he's gay.

Two common threads exist among those who struggle with homosexual tendencies. First, does your son exhibit any signs of childhood molestation or incest? If you suspect this is the case, seek help from a local Christian counselor.

Then look at the father/son (and for girls, the mother/daughter) relationship. Does your son feel accepted by his father? Is your husband a jock who rejects or even ridicules your son's interest in the arts? Perhaps your son's father isn't even in the picture, either by divorce, absence, death, or passivity.

The father holds the key to affirming a boy's manhood. Without that blessing, a gaping hole is left in a young man's life. Fortunately, a healing substitute often can be found in a strong father figure. If not, some young men attempt to "cannibalize" other men through homosexual actions to fill that void.

I know from personal friendships it's possible for someone who struggles with homosexual temptation or who has embraced that lifestyle to find freedom and strength to change. The answer is first found in receiving redemption through Jesus Christ. From there I recommend logging onto www.exodus-international.org or www.lovewonout.com for further information and direction.

January 08, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Steve probably is shackin up with some dude because I'm still convinced that her crazy wolf dream temptation fiasco from the summer was a referrence to her own latent homosexuality. Jesus is merely a distraction.

But then I think everybody is gay.

January 08, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anon...I completely agree with you. using jesus as a distraction for her and steve's homosexuality...you may be onto something. this could signal a fledgling marriage. but who knows?

January 08, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wait...didn't steve used to touch up Lisa's roots when they were on the road and Michele ( her hairstylist) wasn't with them? If that doesn't spell GAY i don't know what does.

January 08, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

NB,

i wasn't worried that she might be writing her journal for his blog. i was just making a sarcastic comment.

January 09, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*this* blog. typo.

January 09, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That response CAN'T be real! I mean, I know it is, but...it CAN'T BE! That is just too perfect and hilarious. "You just described my husband Steve at 16." She might add, "And my son. And my brother." It would be so fabulously karmic if every single male in her life turned out to be gay.

And Lisa? Sometimes people just like boys. Even without incest, fucked-up father figures and/or cannibalism. Sorry.

Sheesh.

January 09, 2007  
Blogger The NB said...

Yeah. It's just that it really does seem like a too-perfect Coffee Talk entry, so it got us thinking for a moment. But, no, we know she's not writing it for us. She's too self-involved.

Thanks for all the comments, you crazy, crazy people.

January 09, 2007  
Blogger Eden said...

Is "Cousin Nancy" Nancy McKeon? Duhn duhn DUHN!

Also, she doesn't bike three miles, much less 37. Remember the chili & sea bass.

January 09, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I seriously have never laughed so hard. Hilarious.

January 10, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wanna know what I REALLY think?
I think she left her scripted " made up" life in Hollywood as Blair, for a real, but still scripted life in her own head. Trouble is, she made it up as she went along, and sometimes gets REALLY confused as to what she has said and done.

I think she is a raging bulemic. I mean, she HAS to be with all the eating she does, unless she has liposuction done every 3 months or takes some serious prescription diet pills. We are talking about a 5' 2'' frame here, not a large boned woman at all.

I also stronly suspect that she is a lesbian who hasn't yet come out of the closet.
By her own words and phoots, she paints the portrait of a mid 40's wife and mother of 3 teenagers who isn't facing her 40's with dignity and grace at all. She is forever Mouseketeer Lisa.

Then there's the gay husband issue. Steve is SOOO gay, bless his heart. Yes, he did her roots, probably still does, and washes her panties. There are photos in the Year of the Family Dream blog, where she posted DAILY.
He did her pedicures for God's sake.
What does Lisa get out of the relationship and what does Steve get out of the marriage, are my two questions?
Would anyone care to take that on?

Does anyone share my sincere belief that she has a severe eating disorder?

Oh, and one more thing- Her cheeks and jawline have definitely become narrower in the past 2-3 months. She apparently had quite a lot of work done, with small cheek and chin implants inserted. Squarejaw look is almost gone. Look at side by sides of latest publicity photos from 2-3 weeks ago and the one on her intro page on her website. Huge difference.

January 10, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

She probably does have an eating disorder and that is something I actually feel bad for her for. I know a few girls with severe eating disorders who weren't on t.v and under everyone's scrutiny. No wonder she's crazy, she probably had dozens of people telling her to lose weight daily while "the Facts of Life" was on.

January 11, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Orbit gum for Christmas??? Poor Cauble kids.

January 12, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my god, y'all! "Tucks" killed me. The name remindes me of those old people medicated wipes.

January 15, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That should be "reminds." See how I can't even spell? I've done caught the Lisa.

January 15, 2007  
Blogger Maxine Weiss said...

You know, this site is just too much.

I rarely laugh at anything these days. But this site did it for me.

And, I actually like LW...I do. I really really do.

Hey, I booked a Vermont bike ride for myself, just on the strength of LW's. I, however, won't cause any aggravation, or attention-getting antics to my fellow bike-riders, hopefully.

I'm gonna have to link this site on my blog. I haven't laughed this much in months.

P.S. Why is Justice not being called "Casey" anymore?

Peace, Maxine

January 17, 2007  

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