Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Holding out for a gyro.

So, as promised, here's Lisa's 2006 Christmas letter. We're going to forego the running commentary and just give you a brief introduction:

Basically, poor Clancy, Haven and Tucker. And, most of all, poor Donut. We don't necessarily theoretically disagree with Lisa's sentiment that Christmas is about searching for strength rather than about giving and receiving gifts. But we do feel that the kids and the dog deserve tons o' gifts after being humiliated in such a, yet again, self-serving manner.

Anyway, read on to see what we mean. And take comfort in the fact that though you may have gotten fatter this year, so did Lisa. How could she not?

Cauble Family 2006 Christmas Letter

Dear friends

Is it just me? Am I simply incredibly small and insecure, or do you sometimes want to throw up after reading certain family Christmas letters too? I mean, isn't this the time of year when we are supposed to be sending good tidings of great joy? After reading a litany of child prodigy feats and perfect family success stories, I often feel like pond scum. Oh, and by the way, "Merry Christmas."

Perhaps it is a knee-jerk reaction, but I decided to write this year's family Christmas letter from slightly below the surface of the pond. Although my whole family is onboard with this idea, it is probably only fair that I begin with me and my "accomplishments" in 2006.

For starters, I gained ten more pounds this year and went up two pant sizes. The bathroom scales hadn't seen those high digits since my third trimesters. The publishing company I'm currently signed with sold to a publisher that turned me down two years ago and they still don't want me. My last book way undersold projections and is probably available at your local bookstore on the clearance table.

This year, Steve finally decided we could no longer ignore the financial woes associated with the fact that we both stink at handling money. We got all of our back taxes cleared up, and we are ready to tackle the debt we got into when we couldn't get enough women to attend our MomTime Getaway events back in 2003. This living on a budget is for the birds.

Tucker fell in love for the first time and, subsequently, experienced his first broken heart. After six months, he is still recovering from the break-up. On a happier note, he finally completed his geometry curriculum. It took him a year-and-a-half, but I'm sure all those theorems will come in handy in the life of a musician.

Haven is no longer part of the student ministry worship team at church. She was replaced this year by a drummer with fancier fills. She received a "D" on her first English Lit essay, complete with notes from the teacher like, "Don't use such lame sources" and "Did you even read the book?"

We are thrilled to report that after three years, Clancy finally made a friend here in Texas. She played "Juliet" in her homeschool academy's school play last year, only to earn a bit part in this year's production. After playing the bass guitar for three years in the junior high worship band, she's a bit bummed about the fact that she's not yet good enough to play on the high school worship team.

Donut, our family dog, no longer has the run of the house. She has been relegated to a pen in the kitchen with a doggie door to the backyard. After failing two obedience schools, we resigned ourselves to the fact that she just wasn't going to get this whole house-training thing down. As soon as we get this whole budget-training thing down, we'll replace all the carpet in the house.

Now, don't you feel better? Merry Christmas! In my opinion, this letter more accurately reflects the spirit of Christmas. No, stay with me here a minute, I'm serious. Why did Jesus come to earth in the first place? Because we desperately need a Savior! We are fat, yet so empty. We owe a debt we cannot pay. We are not good enough in our own strength. He came to heal the brokenhearted. He calls us friend. He came to set free those of us who are bound because of the mess we've made of our lives.

We aren't the first ones to celebrate Christmas as primarily the birth of the King of kings, conveniently skipping the whole "Suffering Servant" role of the promised Messiah. Yes, Jesus will reign and rule forever, but the "good news of great joy" that the angel declared to the shepherds on the very first Christmas was that a Savior was born. I need that Messiah this year!

How about you? Have you, like me, been tempted to believe that we will be better witnesses for Jesus in our Christmas letters if we are living victoriously, reigning over our circumstances, and ruling with authority, as befits a child of the King? If that is where you have lived this year, then praise God, you have enjoyed an early taste of heaven.

If, on the other hand, you have lost or failed or died or cried or experienced any other symptom of humanity, then celebrate Christmas with me this year. The birth of the baby Jesus, God in human form. Our High Priest who sympathizes with our weaknesses. The King who wore a crown of thorns. We have eternity to reign with the King of kings. Today I need a Savior. That is the reason He was born. This is why we can celebrate no matter what kind of year we've had.

Christmas blessings,


Steve, Lisa, Tucker, Haven, Clancy and Donut Cauble


Well, we hope you enjoyed that as much as we did. Each of the 73 times we've read it.

As this will probably be our last post until 2007, we'd like to thank you for taking this spiritual journey with us thus far. We look forward to the Whelchel antics of '07 as much as we look forward to attempting to make sense of them for you. For you, dear Whelchel enthusiasts, make this site as important as it should be.

Happy new year!

Love,
Donut Cauble's diaper

22 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awwwwww. Those poor kids!!
But wait- I thought they were homeschooled?

December 28, 2006  
Anonymous Jean said...

Wow... that WAS really good. I'm so stuck on that photo though I'm having a hard time digesting the written letter to its fullest. Why is Clancy following the horrible trend of belting below the boobs? And why is Lisa allowing it? Quick, send it to the Fug Girls! Belts belong at your waist or hips people!
And why aren't Steve's "accomplishments" really listed? All it says is that the two of them need to get out of debt due to Lisa's lack of Moms. There's a story behind that.

December 28, 2006  
Blogger The NB said...

There IS a story behind that, Jean. Another reader recently sent me an eye-opening email in which he wrote, "Seems that when [Lisa] was a STAR with MILLIONS, she invested in some real estate in Philly. She defaulted on the loan, the bank repo'ed the building, then the bank went belly up. Busy bee Lisa forgot all about it for years and years as she birthed, then tortured her infants with hot sauce and fly swatters." The creditors finally came a-calling, and they wanted her to pay up including all the interest the outstanding debt had accrued over time.

So, yeah, there's at least part of your story. If we had unending time and money, we'd do a whole investigative post on this. Just kidding! If we had infinite time and money, we'd go to Positano!

December 28, 2006  
Blogger the Drunken Housewife said...

Oh... My... God... I can't believe she did that.

First, as another commenter already noted, why did Steve get off the hook? His purported misdeed was just coming to his senses and realizing that he and Lisa were financially screwed. (Maybe Lisa should cut back on all these vacations).

This is internet rubbernecking at its finest. I was just cringing. I think what is the most cringeworthy is the public statement that one child spent THREE FRIENDLESS YEARS.

and what the fuck is a "homeschooling academy", anyway? Either you homeschool or you send your child to an academy (or, more realistically, you send your child to a school).

December 28, 2006  
Blogger Winklboy said...

This woman is dysfunctional on levels that are "within" other levels of dysfunction. Yet I can't look away.

December 29, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The non-Whelchel homeschool academy teacher's comments are the best part of this letter. You see Haven, this is what happens in real school with real teachers - you can't rollerskate through life regurgitating bible verses, knowing TeacherMommy is going to give you an A+++ every time. You actually have to read the book, analyze the text and use proper grammar! I love your blog!!

December 29, 2006  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

NB, you are so right. In fact, the creditors didn't find Lisa until she got the "Facts of Life" reunion organised in 2001. They saw her on TV, figured she must still be worth something and hunted her down. I think she was genuinely shocked that they remembered her after all this time.

Those of you wanting a bit of an insight into the Cauble psyche, please get yourselves a copy of "The Facts of Life and Other Lessons My Father Taught Me". It's great holiday reading.

Happy new year all!

December 31, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ohh, so much to say and so little time.
First- they misspell the name of the freaking dog. Doughnut is spelled as I spelled it. Not DooNut. And they wonder why she isn't housebroken?

About Steve:
Lisa has always used Steve like another stage hand or even stage prop when he was convenient.
Important times Steve has been convenient in Lisa's life: as a convenient date; a convenient fiance' who even planned their entire nuptials and her so over the top wedding; a super duper husband with fabulous taste who planned their trip around the world honeymoon; a willing ( tee hee) sperm donor for her career as SuperMommy; served as her sole financial supporter for all of her children's young lives, and... drumroll please.. is her hair colorist when she is on the road.
I kid you not, it's in the year long blog of the " Family Dream". Lisa has naturally dark brown hair, but since Steve likes it blonde ( sure, Lisa, sure), he touches up her roots since she can't seem to manage it on her own.

The woman is an eternal emotional child and Steve is the parent figure. He always has been.

January 01, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, Eleanor Rigby,
About TFOL book, did you get the feeling that Lisa basically was saying that she never really LOVED Steve in the physically attracted, hot for him way, but felt that GOD somehow commanded her to marry him because he was infatuated with her stardom and believed he was in love with her? Also, we must not forget that he was such a " Godly" man.. She never lets us forget that part.

I never got the feeling that she ever really wanted him, had to have him, loved him though from what she said and didn't say her book.
What was your overall impression?

January 01, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

Anon, I did get the impression that the relationship was initially a bit one-sided. She says she grew to love him but I agree that she probably made the decision because she felt she should for whatever reason (probably her religion).

I think too from the way she writes about those days, she was ready to settle down and the career was stalled so the time was right. She finished filming "The Facts of Life" and got married almost immediately afterwards. I think marriage and family were the ultimate goals for her.

Overall impression ... I think she reveals more of herself than she would like to believe she does. In some aspects, she is very honest about her experiences but in others, she chooses to omit details she no longer is comfortable dealing with.

The issue of her short-lived movie career springs to mind. I did some intensive Googling one day and came up with something called "Twirl" I think in which she starred with another born again actress, Erin Moran (Joanie from "Happy Days"). I was expecting something with a bit more T and A but to all intents and purposes, it seemed like a movie about chicks waving batons around in the name of competition. Nothing against the teachings of the Good Book in that one so I'm not sure what OTHER films she might be concealing.

I would be interested to hear if you or anyone else knows more about this. =)

Sorry to hijack your comments thread, Ed!

January 02, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please never stop this blog! I just discovered this today and can't stop reading/laughing. You couldn't have picked a more deserving subject!

January 03, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

someone mentioned being interested in knowing if she was in any other movies...

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0924075/

on a side note, why do so many people appear to be obsessed with lisa welchel? she seems totally annoying and completely self-centered. not very interesting if you ask me. but i'll admit that this blog's humour about the whole situation is rather amusing. nothing personal to welchel. it's just that whoever it is that writes this stuff is terribly clever.

January 05, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby (again) said...

What's interesting is that her life is like a train wreck. You don't want to watch but you just can't turn away. She lacks self-awareness and I think that is what makes her journal the compulsive reading that it is.

From my own perspective, I first looked up Lisa Whelchel on the web five years ago while looking for links on the New Mickey Mouse Club which I used to absolutely love as a child.

I saw Lisa's webpage (then run by her Grandmother). Lisa was in the process of preparing to release her first book and head out on the road in an RV for a year long trip. She started a new website and a journal and what can I say? I was hooked.

I've watched over the years as she's gone from just pleasantly over-religious to just a little bit crazy and it's become one of my favourite things. I must admit, there were times I just felt like yelling at her to get a grip but I couldn't because all communication with Lisa is very much one way (as one would expect).

I did wonder how many other people were out there, receiving the newsletters and reading her musings but how could I find them? Imagine my delight to discover this and to finally find an outlet. I'm also relieved that I'm not the only one who thinks she's gone a bit berserk.

January 05, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SOME of us have had two way comm. with Lisa, Eleanor, LOL.
You should see the blistering Emails I got from dear Ron, her manager, when I wrote Lisa about her " Oh well, we will just have to declare bankruptcy" posts when the Philly creditors came after her in late 2002, early 2003. The emails might have been sent from Ron's email addy, but they were PURE LISA.
A lot of " I'm praying for you to understand Lisa's plight" and " Lisa gives so generously of herself and her money to her church family". Al I could think of was all the freebies she TAKES.

Never did find out if they filed bankruptcy or not.. She wisely clammed up about that in a hurry and moved to TX. I think they probably did, which is why her mommy was in on all her house purchase negotiations in Texas. Lisa rather led us astray on that too. Mommy does NOT live in Texas. Mommy Gen lives in CA.
Lisa said she was moving to TX to be " closer to her mom". I think she meant " to leave our unpaid CA creditors behind and start over in big ole friendly TX where they REALLY LOVE ME".

JMHO. Could be wrong..

January 06, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

Oh I don't think you're wrong at all. I think you're absolutely right but of course I don't know her and could never prove it. I surmised pretty much the same thing over the years.

I think the other factor behind the Texas move was also about the growing influence of Godless Hollywood on her kids. Haven wanted to be an actress at one stage (as you probably would if your mother was one) and Tucker is interested in being in a rock band. I'm guessing she figured she'd better get them out of there quick smart before their hormones kicked in and they came under the influence of people "not like us".

Of course, I'm just guessing really.

BTW I'm glad SOMEONE has more than a one way conversation with her! You're right about the emails ... they sound just like she wrote them.

January 06, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

f**king genius. lisa whelchel never ceases to make me laugh. awesome blog. this woman has to be the most self-righteous christian on the web...who in the hell thought that she should have a blog... and she's like the most awkward person ever. poor Cauble kids...they're basically gonna break away and be non-christians, you can bet your sweet ass on that. bankrupt? wow...all the damned vacations she drags her kids on...no wonder. the woman needs to get a f**king grip on life...and steve should realize lisa is using him, he is indeed her "prop" and guardian..sheesh.
i still love blair...with jo (of course...secret loversssss) haha

KEEP WRITING THIS BRILLIANT STUFF!

p.s. what's this deal with FOL girls moving to TX? nancy lives there and so does she. TX is for fatties, hands down. lol

January 07, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I still can't wrap my mind around using "lame" sources for an English Lit essay. It's English Lit -- wouldn't you be referencing some kind of literature? What did the kid cite to? This is what I'm picturing:
In Sons & Lovers, D.H. Lawrence discusses sons and their lovers. Cf. Trojan Ultra-Pleasure condoms (referencing the male consumer and his "partner"). Later, somebody dies and it's hard on everyone. See also "The Facts of Life: A Death in the Family" (1984) (where the death of Natalie's father disrupts everything, including the Miss Edibles contest). Paul has a hard time with his mother. People who don't get along with their mothers are going to hell; the reader can assume that Paul is going to hell. (See Universal Principle of Godliness and Christ-iness, so fundamental that it needs no specific source.)

January 07, 2007  
Blogger BarefootCajun said...

Great blog! I've just discovered it today and am thoroughly enjoying catching up on the life of the Caubles.

As for the Christmas letter, I'm sure all her family and friends loved the lesson in Christianity just in time for the holidays.

January 09, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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November 20, 2009  
Blogger mgersten63 said...

LIsa really can't be to quick to judge anybody too quickly. Her close knit family apparently fell apart when mommy and daddy decided to let her to to California. In her 'friendless' boo-ho story, she talks about having to take care of herself - except where was her beloved grandma? Her brother married and had a child at 17. Mom had baby, married babydaddy, divorced babydaddy, and remarried babydaddy in a four year span. Don't know how many times dad has been married. she tells sweet stpries about him on website, but on twitter talks about him as if he is an inconvenience to her. Maybe he doesn;t share her need to spill family stories.

I cringed when I rewad about how Steve proposed, and how she didn't want to marry him. I would have said, "oops, later babe, and oh I need the ring back." She acted as though it was a genuinely funny story.

I was a huge fan of Lisa's when she was a mouseketeer. Then I taught preschool and she wrote that God=awful book about discipline. Parents suggested I put her book in our school library. I told them I read it, then I threw it away. She'll hot sauce her kids for tattling, but laugh when her son rolls himself down the church aisle in front of others. "Oh, he's only ADD when it rains." All children are ADD when it rains - it's called cabin fever!!
Funny how she had to declare bankruptcy but now she travels the world. Whoo pays for that crap!

August 03, 2012  
Blogger mgersten63 said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

August 03, 2012  
Blogger mgersten63 said...

Lisa really can't be to quick to judge anybody too quickly. Her close knit family apparently fell apart when mommy and daddy decided to let her to to California. In her 'friendless' boo-ho story, she talks about having to take care of herself - except where was her beloved grandma? Her brother married and had a child at 17. Mom had baby, married babydaddy, divorced babydaddy, and remarried babydaddy in a four year span. Don't know how many times dad has been married. she tells sweet stpries about him on website, but on twitter talks about him as if he is an inconvenience to her. Maybe he doesn;t share her need to spill family stories.

I cringed when I rewad about how Steve proposed, and how she didn't want to marry him. I would have said, "oops, later babe, and oh I need the ring back." She acted as though it was a genuinely funny story.

I was a huge fan of Lisa's when she was a mouseketeer. Then I taught preschool and she wrote that God=awful book about discipline. Parents suggested I put her book in our school library. I told them I read it, then I threw it away. She'll hot sauce her kids for tattling, but laugh when her son rolls himself down the church aisle in front of others. "Oh, he's only ADD when it rains." All children are ADD when it rains - it's called cabin fever!!
Funny how she had to declare bankruptcy but now she travels the world. Whoo pays for that crap!

August 03, 2012  

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