Monday, December 25, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Don We Now Our Gay Apparel."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

This week we were presented with a real problem. No, it has nothing to do with our commentary—at this point, this shit writes itself. Clearly. You see, in what we assume is yet another method of Lisa toying with us, Lisa's Christmas e-letter arrived in our mailbox moments before we read her holiday Coffee Talk post. Our conundrum, then, was deciding what should we cover. The seemingly obvious answer was, well, that we should cover both. But imagine our LOLness when we considered commenting on not 0, but 1 or 2 of Lisa's concoctions during our Christmas vacation. Seriously, folks, we may only be theoretically Jewish, but we do have better things to do with our Christ-related free time.

So, we decided, obviously, to keep with the weekly tradition and cover Lisa's most recent Coffee Talk entry. Of course that was the choice, you might be saying to yourself, as Lisa's e-letters are thankfully never mentioned on this site. And you'd be correct. But, people, you have no idea how good the Christmas e-letter is. Like, so good. So, if we have time this week to discuss the e-letter, we will. If not, we promise to post it without commentary on Thursday. And, honestly, it's so good that it might be best enjoyed without our pithy additions.

As it is, this week Lisa celebrates Christmas. At the mall. Duh.

Last week my MomTime group celebrated our annual MomTime/DadTime Christmas party. This is the one time of year that the dads join us. We always meet for dinner and some kind of fun party game that everybody can play. We keep hoping that the dads will clique and become friends too.

Already a lesson has been learned. Next year, when fat Bev from human resources asks you for the fourth time how much you like her Christmas sweater that her sister with 23 cats knitted for her, just remember you could be at the annual MomTime/DadTime Christmas party.

And Clancy, Haven and/or Tucker, if any of you are reading this, it's not too late to get mom a book on verbs for Christmas. Just tell her Santa was too busy "celebrating a party" with the good kids and that the idea didn't "clique" until after December 25.

This year I made up a silly game and called it “Eat Like a SCAVENGER Hunt!” We all met at Grapevine Mills, which is an indoor outlet mall on steroids. We began the party by eating an assortment of appetizers at Chili’s restaurant. (By the way, Tucker has a job as host at the Chili’s near our house.)

You know, current celebrities name-drop people. Former celebrities name-drop awards. And broke former celebrities name-drop rehab centers. Which leaves us with broke former born-again celebrities...

It would not be Christmas without a Whelchel chain restaurant mention, and we're happy to say she delivered. And we got the bonus of the mall name, too! Of COURSE it's an outlet mall. And it's a "Mills" outlet mall which means—you guessed it—it's a chain. And we got the bonus bonus of finding out that Tucker works at said chain restaurant which really must be a Christmas dream come true for Lisa.

After laying a relatively healthy foundation of food in our bellies we divided up into two teams: Moms vs. Dads. We had 90 minutes to hunt through the mall and find as many of the items on the list as possible. You earned maximum points for eating them and half the points for simply finding them and taking a picture with everyone in the shot with the item. Sadly, half of my MomTime group couldn’t make it this year so there would only be four people in the picture, so it was doable.

Gladly, the half of the MomTime that couldn't make it was breathing a huge sigh of relief at not having to be stuck in a fucking mall with the Caubles and playing a scavenger hunt game with rules that, much like the everyday ramblings of their creator, make 0 sense.

I was afraid the guys would be too macho to ask a stranger to take a picture of them so I told them I would give them 25 bonus points for every picture they came back with that included the four of them.

Let's take a look at the guys and see if Lisa's "macho" fears were justified...

And we'll leave it at that.

Since I couldn’t join in the hunt with the Moms (since I’m the one that came to the mall earlier in the day and spent hours finding all of the items) I was going to be our official photojournalist. I needed to guarantee that we would have pictures of the dads to put in my scrapbook layout that I was already planning in my mind.

And there it is, folks. This whole backward shindig is for the benefit of one person and one person only: Lisa Whelchel. Do you think Clancy, Haven and/or Tucker ever wish they could turn into a scrapbook just to see what a mother's real love feels like?

Take a minute and click here to see the list of food items we were looking for.

Just so you know, we took the bait and had to download a PDF. We were not amused.

1.) We're pretty sure Lisa's the only person in the country who peppered her Christmas game rules with a humorous use of "nazi."

2.) We are cringing at the fits of laughter we're assuming Lisa caused for herself with the inclusion of "Gummy Boobs."

3.) We are cringing at the fits of laughter Lisa caused for us with the inclusion of "Gummy Boobs."

Us girls jumped into the game and started working through our list.

"We girls," Lisa. Not "Us girls."

Guys, we're adamant about correcting Lisa's grammar only because it's fun, but, as a homeschool teacher, she really should have a grasp on basic English. And, like Martha Stewart with a mason jar and a roll of cheesecloth, we love to share easy tips for perfect results. So, for your betterment, Lisa, all you need to do in this case is remove the subject, "girls," from the sentence and read what's left. "Us jumped into the game" does not make sense. "We jumped into the game" does. Therefore, the correct adjective is "we" and not "us." Trust we.

I was very good about not even hinting whether they were looking in the right place or not. Extra points were given for items that were really hard to find, like a Christmas Sweater Cookie in Marshall’s or Roasted and Salted Edamane in Bed, Bath & Beyond.

We also like to occasionally help with Japanese, too. As in "edamame." Not "edamane." And what the fork is edamame doing at Bed, Bath & Beyoncé??? We just threw up in our $25 ankle-high plastic Umbro garbage bin a little.

I gotta tell you, these girls were impressive. They knew their mall and where to find things.

We knew we were dominating! Especially after we ran into the guys and they were coming out of Bath & Body Works. What kind of food did they think they were going to find in there?

In a normal world, that would be a humorously rhetorical question, but in this case, we'll explain. Lisa, the guys weren't doing anything game-related in Bath & Body Works. Just so you know.

Come to find out later, they weren’t playing by the rules at all. They decided early on that there was no way they were going to beat us girls by playing nicely. They decided to jump on a little something I said and win by seizing the loophole. They figured they could earn more points by simply having people take pictures of the four of them all over the mall in a variety of situations, costumes, and positions.

"Jump on a little something I said"? "Seizing the loophole"?? "Positions"??? Lisa, it's Christmas!

I was so impressed by the boys’ ingenuity and the fact that they obviously had so much fun and even experienced some male bonding that I gave them the prizes even though the moms really did annihilate them if playing by the rules counted for anything. We ended the evening with dessert at The Corner Bakery. Although, us girls were stuffed from eating everything to earn maximum points.

"Us girls" again. Not only do we have the incorrect "us," we also get "girls." Lisa, the correct phrase is "We fatties," not "Us girls."

And you may be wondering just what we're thinking by not really comprehensively addressing the four "boys" involved in these holiday hijinks. But do we really need to say much more? One has highlights, for Christ's sake.

One of the things God is doing in my life lately is expanding my heart when it comes to my capacity to risk needing my friends and love them without caution. I am very excited about 2007 and investing my heart and time into these wonderful friends God has given me. I will pray the same blessing for you. We need each other. And that’s a good thing.

We're gonna go ahead and give another tip here. 'Tis the season for generosity, after all. Lisa, God may have given you these friends, but it's your job to keep them. Do you think half the MomTime group really had other plans on the night of your mall hunt? No, they did not. Half of your MomTime group wanted to do other, Christmas activities. Well, all of them did, but here's what happened:

(Phone rings.)

Chrissy: Hello?

DeeDee: Chrissy, it's DeeDee, listen...

Chrissy: Oh, hi Dee...

DeeDee: Be quiet and listen, Chrissy. We are on high alert. Candice just found out what Lisa's planning for her annual MomTime Christmas party, and we have got to come up with a plan NOW. Apparently Lisa's about to call everyone.

Chrissy: Oh, no. Um, dare I ask what the plan is?

DeeDee: WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT. All I can say is that this year teams are involved, so we have to send an envoy.

Chrissy: Teams. Christ. Sorry. I don't want to go.

DeeDee: No one wants to go, Chrissy. That's not the point. We have to love thy neighbor, especially at Christmas, so some of us have to pretend.

Chrissy: My other line's ringing.

DeeDee: Don't clique over.

Chrissy: But it could be Beck...

DeeDee: I don't care if Becky is on fire, Chrissy, do not answer it! We need a plan. Jesus died because he didn't have a plan.

Chrissy: OK. How many do we need to send?

DeeDee: Four. Like the gospels.

Chrissy: OK. There are nine of us, so four go this year and four go next year.

DeeDee: (silence)

Chrissy: Dee?

DeeDee: I'm here. Fine. Fine. It's the only way. Four this year and four next. When do you want to bite the bullet?

Chrissy: Next year. Maybe her mom will whisk her away to some extreme river rafting vacation, and we'll be exempted.

DeeDee: Or maybe we'll be forced to go.

Chrissy: Are you crying, Dee?

DeeDee: (sniffling) No. I'm fine, Chrissy. OK. This year it's Patty, Diane, Linda and Leslie. Next year it's you, me, Sandy and Candy.

Chrissy: Have you talked to any of them?

DeeDee: No! Candy put me in charge. I wanted to run it by you. My other line's ringing!

Chrissy: Oh, no!

DeeDee: Oh, no!

Chrissy: (screaming)

DeeDee: (screaming)

Chrissy: Just answer it and get it over with!

DeeDee: (breathing deeply) She's not going to be happy.

Chrissy: She's never happy. Especially since Donut started pooping in her shoes.

DeeDee: Donut. That's the boy, right?

Chrissy: It's the dog. I think. Or is that Clancy.

DeeDee: Clancy's the pony.

Chrissy: No, that's the dog. Clancy's the dog. Donut's the other girl. And Haven is the pony.

DeeDee: I have to go, Chrissy. Wish me luck.

Chrissy: Godspeed. Merry Christmas to all!

And to all a good week.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

she's even crazier than I thought she was. I think she's got a serious eating disorder or food addiction. I mean, this is just not normal.

December 26, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel terribly ashamed to admit this...but the guy with the blonde highlights (in the brown slacks) is quite "aesthetically pleasing" to me.

I also think he pings to high heaven. I wonder if us boys stand a chance with him?

December 26, 2006  
Blogger tina said...

I must tell you that finding this site today was MUCH, MUCH better than any of the Christmas presents I received yesterday.

December 26, 2006  
Anonymous Lori said...

"DeeDee: Don't clique over."

That just made my year.

December 27, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Draw your own conclusions...

December 28, 2006  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

I can't help wondering how many of these things are set up just so Lisa can get photos that make her look really popular.

God that was a bitchy comment, even for me.

January 03, 2007  
Blogger Diner Girl said...

OhmyGod, if you haven't clicked on the scavenger hunt page, you have to enlarge it just for the typos alone. Keep up the homeschooling, BLAIR. Nice job.

January 05, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anyone else distressed that she eats Winnie the Pooh?! How many denizens of Hundred Acre Wood have to suffer to feed her scrapbook picture addiction??

January 06, 2007  
Blogger mgersten63 said...

She reminds me of those people who think they are better Christians because they say the word "Jesus" so many times per day/

August 03, 2012  

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