Monday, January 15, 2007

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Food, Vainglorious Food."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Well, you know what they say. Once a derelict, always a derelict. Which is why this week Lisa once again hands us off to her good friend Sarah, as if we're some inconsequential plush toy to be bandied about an orphanage.

Listen, lady, we've got a job to do here, and it depends on you. We're sure Sarah's a great gal, but she wasn't on one of our favorite childhood TV shows, so, to put it as nicely as we can, we don't give a born-again lick about her. And, we're not interested in giving her any traffic. There are a billion-trillion crappy Web sites out there, Lisa, and if we start shuttling people over to Sarah's crappy site, we risk the chance of losing readers of this crappy site. The point is, Lisa, yes, you can silence us by invoking the Sarah Shield, but we know you far too well to believe you can do this more than once or twice a year. You'll be writing about yourself again in no time, sweetheart. Trust us.

Alas, Lisa couldn't even just hand us over to Sarah this week. She wrote a few introductory paragraphs. See? There's always something. To which, we say...

Game on!

I’m heading out the door to drive down to Houston, Texas to visit my best friend who is speaking at a church just north of town. She lives in Knoxville so if she’s anywhere in Texas I will be there. Of course, I realized too late that I hadn’t written a journal entry for this week. I breathed a quick prayer, “Dear Lord, I don’t want to let my cyber friends down again but I don’t have a spare minute to write this before I leave town and I don’t want to be writing while I’m with Angela. What can I do?”

We can just picture god yet again ripping out his Lisa-to-English dictionary and being like, "What the fuck is she talking about now? Cyber friends? Jesus Christ, can you believe this woman? No, really, my son, can you?"

I immediately thought of my friend, Sarah, whom I introduced you to last year. Of course, she always writes such a delightful blog and she will probably have something to share about toddlers. I logged onto her blog and discovered she had recently written about our church wide call to a “Daniel Fast.” Perfect!

Wait, why would we care two iotas if Sarah had something to say about toddlers? Hold up. Is that what this is all about? Is Lisa writing her Coffee Talk journal for the playground set? 'Cause that would, like, make so much sense.

Wait. No. None of this would even make sense to a three-year-old. Never mind.

And here we go again with the fasting. What is it with these people and their frickin' fasting? How about instead of fasting, they take a vow of silence? Forever.

Oh, and because Lisa does not provide photos with her entry this week, we'll just go ahead and post pics of famous Daniels to go along with this Daniel Fast business. Trust us—pictures of any kind make blogs so much easier to digest. Especially this one.



Since we go to the same church we are all participating in this fast. (Although, as you read down below, just note that I am “the friend” who was reluctantly participating but who had a bad attitude about the fast at first. By the same token, I am also the one who came home from hearing a great pastor and shared the phrase, “Extreme obedience brings extreme blessing,” which has become our mantra around here.)

No. Lisa is reluctant to participate in a fast? That's crazy talk! She's usually so good with fasts. How else could she have gone up two sizes last year? Must be all that fasting. Time to change that mantra, Leese. Maybe something like, Extreme eating brings extreme clothes. Or, If you find yourself shopping at Lane Bryant, you have only yourself to blame.



After I had my attitude adjustment the whole family jumped in with both feet.

Did they? Really? And what does "whole family" mean, here, exactly? Steve's probably off somewhere doing something with someone. Tucker's showing Herndon party of six to their table at Chili's. Donut's reading The Bell Jar. Which leaves Haven and Clancy. Poor Haven and Clancy. Girls, if you get hungry, do what your mom does during a fast: eat.



I must say that I’m not really hungry but all this food preparation is what is the hard part.

What food preparation??? Please be aware that we referred back to Lisa's site to make sure we hadn't skipped a paragraph. We hadn't. It's yet another Whelchel non sequitur. Or, quite possibly, she ate the paragraph in question.

And there is absolutely no where we can go out to eat. We are allowed to eat: fruits, veggies, legumes, brown rice, soy milk, nuts, oats, and honey.

Wait, wait, wait. This Daniel Fast allows for eating? All right. We didn't want to have to do this, but here's the deal. (God, we HATE it when her nonsense forces us to do research.)

GUIDELINES FOR DANIEL FAST
(Foods We May Eat)

Whole Grains: Brown Rice, Oats, Barley

Legumes: Dried Beans, Pinto Beans, Split Peas, Lentils, Black Eyed Peas

Fruits: Apples, Apricots, Bananas, Blackberries, Blueberries, Boysenberries, Cantelope, Cherries, Cranberries, Oats, Figs, Grapefruit, Grapes, Guava, Honeydew Melon, Kiwi, Lemons, Limes, Mangoes, Nectarines, Papayas, Peaches, Pears, Pineapples, Plums, Prunes, Raisins, Rasberries, Strawberries, Tangeloes, Tangerines, Watermelon

Vegetables: Artichokes, Asparagus, Beets, Broccoli, Brussels Sprouts, Cabbage, Carrots, Cauliflower, Celery, Chili Peppers, Corn, Cucumbers, Eggplant, Garlic, Gingerroot, Kale, Leeks, Lettuce, Mushrooms, Mustard Greens, Okra, Onions, Parsley, Potatoes, Radishes, Rutabagas, Scallions, Spinach, Sprouts, Squashes, Sweet Potatoes, Tomatoes, Turnips, Watercress, Yams, Zucchini

Seeds, Nuts, Sprouts

Liquids: Spring Water, Distilled Water, 100% All-Natural Fruit Juices, 100% All Natural Vegetable Juices

(Foods to Avoid)

Meat
White Rice
Fried Foods
Caffeine
Carbonated Beverages
Foods Containing Preservatives or Additives
Refined Sugar
Sugar Substitutes
White Flour and All Products Using It
Margarine, Shortening, High Fat Products


Uh-huh. So, there they are. The guidelines for this so-called Daniel Fast. We're gonna go ahead and let a good friend of ours handle this one:

Dear Daniel,

Your fast is not a fast. IT'S A DIET.

Love,
Dictionary

We are not allowed: caffeine! Diet Dr. Pepper! Beef, poultry, fish, all dairy, sugar or sugar substitutes, eggs, flour and all breads.

No Diet Dr. Pepper!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! This Daniel character is out of his fucking mind! Clearly he's never been a Pepper, too.

Oh, by the way, this is all supposed to help you, according to this page that we regret to have to reference again, "lead to spiritual insight." How? Something to do with Daniel objecting to the common Babylonian diet. Clancy and Haven? RUN. We're not kidding this time. RUN LIKE THE WIND. This shit is beginning to sound totally Jim Jones-ish. Listen, girls, if you haven't escaped by the time mommy suddenly commands you to drink the Diet Dr. Pepper, DON'T DO IT.

We're praying for you, girls, in the only way we know how. By eating Mallomars dipped in melted chocolate on a pastrami sandwich from Katz's Deli. It's called the Look-What-Judaism-Did-to-Us Fast.



I gotta tell you, Sarah’s attitude is still better than mine. The reason I’m doing this is because I do sense God wants to do a new work in me and my life this year and I would love to start 2007 off with a divine breakthrough.

Here's something, lady: how about not alternating between eating at every chain restaurant in Texas and going on these ridonkulous "fasts"? It's not good for your body. A steady healthy diet is. Some fruit here. Some legumes there. Some fish here. Some beef there. And, every so often, a Diet Dr. Pepper! All in moderation, Lisa. Unless you have specific health issues, like high blood pressure, for which you should be put on a special diet. BY A DOCTOR. Not Daniel. Not god.

I am also recently being challenged in the area of submitting to spiritual authority (not our own church; something else.)

Ho ho. What could this little nugget of intrigue be? We'll leave it to our readers to come up with the answer. We'd have a contest, but we've already given all our unwanted crap to Katrina victims. And by "given," we mean "sold."



So this has been a really good opportunity for me to walk in obedience to my covering, trusting God to bless my desire to walk with a yielded heart.

Right. So basically, the moral of this story is that by eating only veggies and nuts, god will help you be less loving. (You know, folks, that may have been the first time we've ever attempted to really make sense of one of Lisa's thoughts. It took about 15 painful minutes.) Wow. What a thoroughly Christian sentiment. Oh, sorry. Did we say "Christian"? We meant "fucking insane." It's so easy to confuse those two.

Alas, not only is that where Lisa tells us of her desire to withhold love, but it's also where she withholds the rest of her thoughts and hands it over to Sarah. Which means this is where we wish you a good week and remind you to eat your fruits and legumes so you, too, can be a less loving person.

27 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

what a wackjob! hahaha

Clancy and Haven: Run like the wind! hahahaha

January 15, 2007  
Blogger Diner Girl said...

I don't know what made me laugh harder: the photo of Daniel Baldwin or Daniel Webster! Ten bucks says her spiritual authority crisis involves Steve and their finances. I'm sure he's holding a tight rein on the family moolah and she's been caught stealing from his wallet (or his man-boy lover's wallet) to supplement her many trips to the fucking craft store for (s)crapbook supplies so she can document The Day Daddy Was Pushed Off the Roof Because Mommy Has a Huge Ass.

January 15, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

I hate the way she leaves us hanging. She never quite "comes clean". It's like leaving the smallest room in the house while still feeling that one has unfinished business.

Sorry, but that was the best analogy I could come up with.

January 15, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fasting. Honestly, the goyim kill me.

January 15, 2007  
Anonymous Spike said...

In Lisa's (admittedly lame) defense, I once was forced to spend a week in Texas for a work-related training. I'm a vegetarian and for about four days the only thing I could find to eat was tortillas and cheese. By day five I finally found a fresh salad by travelling to the gay section of Dallas. That was six years ago and I've only recently gotten regular again.

I can understand how a born-again Texan looking at that "Daniel Fast" list is basically reduced to consuming water. It'd be a sin for them to locate a vegetable in the gay neighborhood.

January 15, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Heyyy,
I'm a transplanted Texan too. Not ALL of us are tortilla, queso quzzling fattsos. ( Although at our house, Dos Equis is a fave at the pool). But we aren't nuts, we don't play something called 42, we don't decorate in funked up Kuntry, and we don't have anything with the Texas state flag on it either.

To the issue at hand: Lisa's love- hate relationship with food and her enormous struggle to gain control over food issues. It's NOT about spirituality. That's her crutch.
It's about HER feelings about HERSELF. Because everything Lisa is about Lisa.

I stand by my earlier assertion that Lisa has bulimia or another mixed eating disorder and has had ever since The Facts Of Life when she was FORCED to lose weight. She was rewarded for her weight loss, and kept on losing.
In the last seasons, she was thin, not just normal weight.

I know she is a binge/ purge bulimic as well as I know my DSM-IV Manual.

January 15, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

spike,
i lived in dallas for 19 yrs. it is not really like that there. i have no ideal why it was like that for you though. sounds miserable.

January 15, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

Spike, I reckon Lisa wouldn't know a vegetable if she tripped over one.

Looking again at that fasting list (doesn't look much like a fast to me either, NB, I can see any number of possibilities for interesting vegetarian dishes there. I just think she basically has no idea about healthy eating or cooking.

I remember reading in her "FOL" book (that's MY Bible) about how they made her diet when she was on TV. Basically they tried to starve her and only made things worse. Her body was hanging onto every fat cell it had because it thought it might never see a cheeseburger again.

I remember thinking that it sounded like child abuse to me. She was only a teenager at the time.

January 15, 2007  
Blogger Cella Bella said...

And God said, "Let Daniel eat tangeloes."

January 15, 2007  
Anonymous Rainbeaux said...

Another triumph, Mr. Nervous Breakdown! I was rolling!

"I am also recently being challenged in the area of submitting to spiritual authority (not our own church; something else.)"

Oooooo! I wonder if Lisa flogs herself, like the Opus Dei people? Nah...that would require a level of inconvenience that is not in keeping with her Christian philosophy. Still, though, I agree...those little dangling tidbits are SO UNFAIR. SHOW, DON'T TELL, Lisa! Submitting how? Spiritual authority in what sense? You wouldn't want to force us, your devoted fanbase, to come to our own Lucifer-ridden conclusions, would you? Because the possibilities are ENDLESS.

"That was six years ago and I've only recently gotten regular again. "

Spike, I finished reading your comment ten minutes ago and only just now stopped laughing. Hee!

I agree that Lisa has a typically horrendous relationship with food and her own body. There is no way her adolescence didn't have some kind of lasting effect on her. For all of her relentless Bible verse-quoting, she doesn't seem to remember the bit about treating your body like a temple. Particularly if she considers eating fruits and vegetables (SHOCK! HORROR!) an extreme "fast".

January 16, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't believe that so called "fast". Seriously, that is how people should be eating. All of those are natural foods and really the best food you could buy. And instead of normally eating like that evidently they just "fast" from junk food for awhile. That is so strange. Crappy food should be the occasional thing, not natural food. Completely backwards. This is so strange to me!

January 16, 2007  
Anonymous Jean said...

I wish it was juicier but my guess is that her reference to submitting to a higher spiritual power is about her failed book deal/DVDs.

Daniel Dae Kim could easily make me straight again, although that picture of Daniel Webster kind of reminds me of my girlfriend when she's stressed out.

January 16, 2007  
Blogger Maxine Weiss said...

Question: Does Lisa have any Black friends?

(Kim Fields doesn't count).

Have you noticed that in all her photos, in all the MomTime stuff, and all, the conventions, seminars, etc.. you never see a single Black face.

There are Blacks in Texas...I'm sure of it.

They're just not friends of the Cauble family.

Not judging. Just makin' an observation.

Peace, Maxine

January 17, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yes, she does have a close black friend who was featured in a video of a Mom's Tine segment taped in Nashville in a couple of months ago.
The friend's name is DeeDee Hamilton if I recall correctly, and I believe DeeDee is either from Alabama or Georgia. You will find the blog post on Lisa's site about a month or so ago, with photos.
I believe they have known each other for a long time.

Not taking sides on a racial issue, but this part of Texas is highly populated with Hispanics, not blacks. I am from the deep South and it was a shock for me. Still is, actually.

January 17, 2007  
Blogger Maxine Weiss said...

OK, just curious, that's good to know. I do think there was a token Black in one of her groups, in one of the photos awhile back.

_________________________

Happy Birthday Tucker Cauble !!!

_____________________________

Today is Tucker's birthday.

I just hope they don't do the virginity/ring ceremony again. That was humiliating.

_______________________________

By the way, I agree with about 85% of her parenting, but I do think she's bossy and overbearing at times.

Peace, Maxine

January 17, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

considering that Tucker's birthday was yesterday... he's offically 18! run away Tucker!! you're free!!

January 18, 2007  
Blogger Diner Girl said...

Ten bucks says Tucker is banging one of the teen waitresses at the Chili's where he works. Being the host makes him extra dreamy to those nubile young thangs. And THAT ladies and gentlemen, might be what Lisa is having issues with. Her son is getting laid... which is why she tried to shame him in the Christmas letter. He's probably getting more tail than she is.

January 18, 2007  
Blogger Maxine Weiss said...

I think he's 17. So, she has one more year to try to brainwash him. Sad that she nags him so much. Maybe that works with her girls, but it won't work with Tucker. It just has the opposite effect, and makes him want to say get-off-my-back!

I'm sure she hears that a lot.

January 18, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Write another entry! I want more!

January 19, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can't write another entry until she does. That's the point.

January 20, 2007  
Blogger Maxine Weiss said...

You can always do flashbacks.

For example Tucker's birthday, last year---what a nightmare that was. Pace's love letter, the "purity" ring, the laying of hands.

---Actually I thought that was kinda sweet, when Mom and Dad prayed over their son. Nothing harmful in that.

The "purity" ring was a total embarrassment and humiliation, though.

My favorite was the "Madd Doggz" birthday, ---was that Tucker's 15th? When she took the boys to the paint ball place.

Tucker's birthday is always a big event. Last year it warranted three weeks worth of posts.

Peace, Maxine

January 21, 2007  
Blogger The NB said...

Just to note, we did not write the above "Can't write another entry until she does. That's the point." We have no problem with whoever did, but should we comment, it will always be under the The NB moniker.

Lisa has promised a new entry tomorrow at "12 noon." We will act accordingly. And, yes, occasionally we do enjoy exploring her back catalog. Unfortunately we just haven't had the time.

January 21, 2007  
Anonymous Rainbeaux said...

Mr. NB, if I could afford to pay you to do nothing but write all day, I so would.

Just saying.

:)

January 22, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

She wrote an entry about how she's going to write an entry? She so knows about this site. She can feel our anticipation. She has to anyways, she seems like the type to google herself all day.

January 22, 2007  
Blogger Maxine Weiss said...

'Lisa has promised a new entry tomorrow at "12 noon." '---NB


Oh please. There's gotta be a style book where "noon" is capitalized, huh ???

It's an emphatic.
She's Lisa Welchel.
She might as well cap everything.

Yet "weblion" not capped.

Who knows? Fun to speculate, though.

Peace, Maxine

January 22, 2007  
Blogger Maxine Weiss said...

January 22, 2007:

Where is Tucker's birthday party?

Everybody is waiting, with baited breath, to find out what they did for Tucker's birthday.

Tucker's birthday trumps Bible verses.

How agonizing.

I did like the picture of Charlotte Rae, though.

Did you all know that Casey is only 23? He only graduated high school in 2002.

I'd like to ask her what is the wisdom of getting married, for a guy, at age 23 ???

And when, most gals, these days, are waiting till at least after 30 to get married.

Maybe Casey is the exception, and I've been wrong before, but I don't think that marriage will last. Lots happens between ages 23, and 33, or even 39---for a guy.

I don't know. I really don't.

Peace, Maxine

January 22, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

I reckon she hasn't posted because Tucker was grounded for his birthday this year after she found a joint in one pants pocket and a condom in the other.

He now has to "spend time in Proverbs" until he's 21.

January 22, 2007  

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