Wednesday, January 10, 2007

All because of you, friends.

Thanks to some recent comments, we have some Whelchelian links to share with you.

As has been discussed on this site several times, Lisa recorded an album in 1984. It's called All Because of You, and it's occasionally available on eBay. Howevah, you need not spend your hard earned dollar on the LP itself should you want to subject your ears to a torture too severe even for Lynndie England. Sitcoms Online has been kind enough to post every single track from the record in mp3 form for your, er, enjoyment. We've so far managed to make it through 1.21326482211 of those tracks (we are in the middle of trying to get through it all for a subsequent post), and, we have to say, if there really were a god, Lisa, he/she would never have let this happen. Not only is the music some of the worst wannabe New Wave crapola we've ever heard, but we've never quite heard reverb used to the extent it is here. It sounds as if Lisa had fallen into a well. If only...



Anyway, if you feel you need to listen to any of this, check out Good Girl. Not because we know it's any worse than the others (see above) but because it's the only one we've listened to completely. Oh, and please know that your ear will, in fact, heal after you try to cut it off. There's just going to be some scarring.

Oh, also, here's your ammo for ruining next Christmas: it's Lisa singing I'll Be Home for Christmas. She gets most of the words right.

(And, yes, we did notice the Kim Fields single directly underneath the links to the Whelchel mp3s, but as we don't keep tabs on Tootie's life, we are not at liberty to discuss it.)



The second link we'd like to bring to your attention (after it was brought to ours) is an in-depth review by Brains on Film of a made-for-TV film called Twirl in which Lisa starred in 1981.



The film apparently chronicles two friends' struggles to get to the "Miss Twirl" Pageant. It's perhaps the only movie ever made about baton twirling, and, thusly, we do not understand why it is not available on DVD. And not only that—this classic also stars a Chachi-less Joanie, Erin Moran, and the curvaceous, delectable Connie Stevens! Seriously, we know at least two people who'd buy that DVD. Well, one. And we'd burn it, not buy it. But still.



Interestingly enough, or, wait, sorry, Not interestingly at all, Erin Moran also became a born-again Christian once acting was done with her. There must've been something in the water on the set of Twirl. Like PCP. Anyway, we look forward to Erin Moran's eventual a.) Margot Kidder-esque shrubbery breakdown or b.) her writer, producer, director and star credits in the made-for-TV movie Joanie loves Christ-y.



As for Twirl and Lisa, for now, you'll just have to make due with the review and this photograph of our favorite born-again homeschooler in...a...helmet.



For, as the moral of Twirl and, interestingly enough, most Coffee Talk entries, inevitably go, sometimes we forget to take stock of what we've so hastily thrown up.

20 Comments:

Blogger Diner Girl said...

Oh, I have that LP and it is so much fun to break out at parties. Now that the mp3s are available, I can't wait to add these to one of my dinner party playlists and see if my friends say anything. This album is bad. And by bad, I mean so fucking excellent. Thanks, NB, for doing what you do. This world needs more people like you. Mwah!

January 11, 2007  
Blogger Mrs. Kitten said...

De-lurking to say that I LOVE this blog! That song was truly, truly awful. I'm hoping you're right about the scarring...

January 11, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'd almost buy a Twirl DVD...i said almost...lol well just to see Lisa Whelchel in her *cough* prime... maybe if someone banged her good at that time she'd have turned away from being a religious fanatic! lol... and wow did she have some hips on her!! :)

January 11, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i couldn't help but notice lisa's jugs...hahaha what happened to that body? lol

January 11, 2007  
Anonymous Wonder Waiter said...

Track one - the jazz flute. It haunts me.

January 11, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. Those stupid school uniforms she wore on the show left everything to the imagination. She was very attractive. For a jesus freak.

January 11, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Personally, I thought "How High, How Deep, How Wide" was about her vag. You know she put out before marrying her faygele husband.

January 11, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hahaha yeah that song was a bit...suggestive..haha and since we are posting Whelchelian links, here is one of her giving a keynote speech http://www.ambassadoragency.com/display_client_videos.cfm/cmid/362

and i must say, who in the hell would ask lisa whelchel to speak? lol she still sounds like "Blair" hahaha i love it.


oh, and i bet lisa put out, there is no way she didn't. lol

January 11, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

Poor Lisa ... at least my reckless youth occurred off camera and nowhere near a microphone. Phew.

January 11, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just found this gem of a site and I must say its HILARIOUS! And I thought I was the only one who found Lisa's blogs (or rants) about religion and Starbucks coffee drinking among other things weird lol.Keep up the good work!

PS: I just found out the Cauble kids and Casey (AKA Justice) have Myspaces :P

January 11, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i found a link with pictures promoting "Twirl" http://www.geocities.com/phxprods/whelchel2.html

and indeed those Eastland uniforms left ALOT to the imagination. yowza! (excuse me for that lame terminology) haha

January 12, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That Good Girl song SUKS ASS!!! Seriously, I don't know how you listened to the whole thing. Lisa is definitley ranking up there with Paris Hilton as being the worst singer evah!!!! Yuk! Kudos to you guys for being drunk enough to listen all the way through!

January 12, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's another Welchelian link...

http://go.to/Club77

A website about the New Mickey Mouse Club, it has tons of Lisa pics.

January 13, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those songs made my ears bleed. I listened to both of them out of the train wreck effect. You are so repulsed/repeled by something that you are attracted to it. I love your blog.

January 14, 2007  
Blogger bo-bina said...

Thank you, jazz flute.

January 18, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

according to wikipedia, lisa bible studied with Scott Baio. That means two chunky girls went to Jesus after knowing Scott Baio.

January 23, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, the studio guy who mixed "Good Girl" should be shot, along with whoever picked Lisa to sing it. I tried to pass it off as typical '80s synthesizer rock, but I couldn't swallow my own lie.
The sad part is that it's a semi-catchy tune at heart, before they butchered it. It was written by Steve Taylor, who is known for clever lyrics and creative music (and he even recorded a fragment of it - and other songs - in a conglomerate tune called "Shark Sandwich," and it sounded pretty good).
Fortunately for all, Lisa apparently realized that music was NOT her calling and gave up after this album of horrors. I haven't read her books, but I can only hope that she's a better writer than singer!

November 13, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No wonder Lisa doesn't post anymore! She probably found out there were way too many obsessed stalker freaks like all of you out here in cyberspace with such pathetic lives that you have nothing better to do than make fun of others. All of you losers need to grow up and get a life of your own!

Stephanie

June 28, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um...yeah...since all Lisa knows how to do is tell Christian parents looking for parenting advice to make their children run through dog crap barefooted, put clothespins on their tongues, put hot sauce on their tongues and risk choking them (which is a scientifically proven fact -- some kids have allergies to certain brands of hot sauce), and burn their favorite possessions because Jesus wants them to, which in reality is a slap right in His face. I have a lot of problems with the way these people talk about God on here, because the God I've walked with all my life has always been beautiful and loving. However, as far as I'm concerned, a person like Lisa terrible enough to advocate child abuse and the degradation of children in His name deserves every shot she gets here. She is egocentric, self-centered, and self-righteous as her "Coffee Talk" posts make apparent. She makes it clear in her book "Creative Correction" just how much she resents her children and she flies right in the face of what the real Lord Jesus is actually about. What's infinitely worse are the Christians out there who sing her praises and think she's this wonderful, pious Christian homeschooling wife and mother. It's saddening that the only ones who truly seem to get it are the unbelievers. Like I said, as far as I'm concerned, she deserves every shot she gets. Perhaps people running blogs like these do need to get a life a little bit like I, a fellow computer geek, do as well, but at least they know how and when to use a damn comma, and if they didn't, they'd be smart enough to know that if they couldn't punctuate, they have no business trying homeschool their kids!!

July 15, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Her kids all have twitter, instagram and faceboo too now, and since she is back on the road to fame (Co-hosting Jeff Probst show) she does too! Bye bye blogging Lisa is now tweeting, oh yay.

January 07, 2013  

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