Thursday, February 01, 2007

All because of "All Because of You."


We did it.

It took three weeks and was utterly excruciating, but we did it.

We listened to every track off All Because of You. To be truthful, it was slow going and rough. Really rough. But now, so you don't have to experience what we experienced, here's a brief description of every song on Lisa Whelchel's 1984 opus, All Because of You.

1. Love Believer
The music here is basically just a synth-pop variation on Elton John's "Saturday Night's Alright (for Fighting)." The words are about, go figure, god wanting you to be a love believer and a love receiver. We don't know about the love believer part, but 8th Avenue between 14th and 23rd Streets here in NYC has the love receiver part pretty well taken care of. Hi-oh!

2. Just Obey
Dare we say this song is a mixture of Joe Jackson's "Steppin' Out" and Flashdance? The music is a mere foundation for Lisa to yell at you to OBEY (much like another Whelchclamation, "Shackles!")! She doesn't seem to understand that the best way to get someone to do something is to ask nicely. Though we now understand much more clearly why Donut Cauble pees in the kitchen.

3. How High, How Deep, How Wide
Unfortunately it's a ballad and sounds nothing like the classic, "River Deep, Mountain High." And unfortunately the lyrics are not finessed enough to make you think of anything but Lisa wanting to have sex with god. Sorry.

4. Real Possibility
Wow. This one's a blatant "What a Fool Believes" ripoff by way of Xanadu-era ELO. Meaning, we love it! Well, not love it. Like it better than the others thus far. Until, of course, Lisa begins to sing. Well, not sing. Squawk. Anyway, it's a real possibility that if you are listening along with us, this is the point where you seriously begin to consider suicide.

5. Good Girl
We're assuming this was the record's homicide bomb of a single, if, indeed, a single was thrust upon the unprepared world. It doesn't directly mention god or Jesus (at least not as far as we can tell which is about *this* far), but it does address why being a spoiled brat is unholy. Or something like that. We kind of tune out of any song that has "She is a game of Chutes and Ladders" as a lyric. However, there is a killer guitar solo in the middle. And, by "killer," we mean...never mind.

6. Shelter
Oh, come AWN. You can slow this shit down as much as you want, Lisa, but, to paraphrase old Gertie Stein, Shannon's "Let the Music Play" is Shannon's "Let the Music Play" is Shannon's "Let the Music Play." In this case, however, let the music stop.

OK, we're now gonna impose a trick we learned from commenting on the Coffee Talk entries: we're gonna skip to the end. Don't worry—we listened to all the tracks on this opus. We'd never lie to you. But there's a moment when, like every interview with Eva Longoria, it all begins to sound like a dull drone. For us that happened at track 2. We stuck it out through track 6 all because of you! And now we're jumping ahead to track 9, as if tracks 7 and 8 never happened. Which, basically, they didn't.

9. All Because of You
Alas, the title track! This ditty sounds like Spyro Gyra beat Carole Bayer Sager up and blamed Dionne Warwick. And we're the ones with the bruises. And do we really need to explain what the lyrics mean? Good, 'cause we really didn't listen to them. All apologies, sweet, sweet flute.

10. He Sings Me to Sleep
And it's over! How apt that Lisa ends her exercise in sleep induction with a lullaby. Well, it looks like a lullaby. And it sounds like a lullaby. That is, until the synth bursts in like our cousin Jeanette at a buffet. And then we're knee-deep in one last bombastic and creepy Lisa-wanting-to-sleep-with-god number. Can someone be sued for deity abuse?

Well, praise Jesus, we made it to the end, and we're still alive! Now excuse us as we go drink us to sanity.



Anonymous Jean said...

OK- perhaps I'm totally remembering this wrong but wasn't this album Grammy nominated? Like for best gospel album or something? I don't get it.

Seems like she has some Cyndi Lauper influences as well with her little vocal hiccups.

February 01, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

Oh thanks NB, this is totally fab. I haven't had the opportunity to hear her vocals.

For a minute there, I thought my volume wasn't working properly. I cranked it up and then the song actually started and I woke the baby. Will I never learn?

I have to say that if she'd only waited a few years for the technology to improve she could have had a big music career on her hands. Honestly, some of the big successes of recent years can't sing a bloody note and yet they have released more than one album AND toured. As it was, she was out of the gate far too early.

Got to love those 80s synth tracks though ... it really takes me back to a time I would rather forget.

Jean, I have to agree. Does sound very Lauper-ish.

February 01, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor (yawn) Rigby said...

Oh der, forgive me ... it's early here and I'm sleep deprived.

I HAVE heard her vocals but just not the whole album so thanks for that NB. Just wanted to clarify.

February 01, 2007  
Anonymous TexasGal said...

Yes, this album was Grammy nominated because Lisa was seriously romantically intertwined with the guy who produced the record, to put it delicately. I didn't get this from Wiki, I got it from her bio book.

On to something Maxine said in her comments about Tucker not having ADHD. ITA with her for several reasons which I think are important for us to identify for poor Tucker's sake. MAYBE someone he knows, errm, reads here.

Why would a first time mother decide her son was hyperactive at the age of five years and have the family doc back her up? Probably because her childhood at age 5 was quite different from his. She didn't have younger brothers at that time, and had all of her parent's attention. Tucker had to compete with two infant sisters as soon as he could say the word " Mommy".

Next, it's inherently impossible to properly diagnose a child as young as five years old as ADHD. The expected attention span does not provide for adequate testing at age five.

I hate to state the obvious, but Lisa's idea of parenting and the monstrous evil things she values as discipline for that little boy and his sisters got way screwed up with medieval torture of young children sometime and somehow in her life. The fact that she tells other mothers how to terrorize and scar the psyches of their children and make money while doing so in the book "Creative Corrections" is sadistic.
It goes beyond that, it's egocentric. Oh- wait.Why am I not surprised?

If anyone in the Cauble household is ADHD, it's Lisa. I watched a 35 minute video of her last night making a presentation at a Pro-Lifer fundraiser for the B.T. Caring Foundation. This segment was taped live a few months after the family moved to Texas, something she mentioned about 75 times.

Since a large part of my career involves the observation of people, including their physical movement in coordination with speech, I was FLOORED by what I observed. My disbelief was the only way I made it through the entire 35 minutes.

Lisa's speech pattern was irregular in cadence and modulation, with inappropriate laughter. She rarely paused to allow her audience to absorb her anecdotes and speaking points, and plunged headfirst into another story with a gulp and a gasp. Often, she struggled to continue her train of thought mid- sentence and searched for the correct word. She was using notecards, but stumbled all over the same family stories she has told for years ( except one which was new).

Her mannerisms were likewise very unprofessional, incredibly so for someone with over 12 years' experience in front of a TV camera. She was hyperactive, bobbing her head, tossing her hair, rubbing her nose, and at one time, scratching her head repeatedly. ( The head scratching really gives me pause).
She never stopped gesturing wildly with both arms like a bird trying to take flight. It was absurdly and unprofessionally distracting.

She rarely looked at her audience straight on, mainly looking sideways at the stage exits through her hair. She seemed comfortable enough with the subject matter, not using any cutesy words for pro-life terms or the word abortion, but I have never seen Lisa Whelchel display hyperactivity and inattention before.

Of course, everything else I have seen of her has been heavily edited. not live.
When I find the link, I will post it. I hope everyone will go back and see if you spot the same hyperactivity and inattention that I do.
I don't know if the cause is internal, due to true ADHD, or due to the effects of something ingested with a stimulant effect like 25 gallons of Starbucks mocha latte ( or use your imagination here), but it appears to me that Tucker's mom needs quite a bit of help, not Tucker.

Run, Tucker,run.

February 02, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

whoa. Ever since stumbling upon Blair Necessities (I googled her after reading the Scott Baio rumor on wiki), I've been hearing Blair Warner's overenunciated voice in my head. I'm convinced her bible study group pimped her out to her number one fan and she's been freaking out about that ever since. I wonder if Steve Cauble hears Blair Warner's overenunciated voice in HIS head all the time and that's what's holding their marriage together. Poor Lisa. She should have just stayed in Hollywood and behaved according to the mores of the industry nevermind trying to compensate or SHOW Aaron Spelling that he was all wrong about her As If that was going to resurrect her solo project. Aaron Spelling!

February 02, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok that Baio rumor, while I would love it to be true, is absolute garbage. I would have maybe believed it but the next sentence is about a 3-way with Mindy Cohn and Todd Bridges and unless they were all messed up on drugs/alcohol, I seriously don't think that happened.

On a different note I saw the clip of her and Kim Fields from Wake Up Texas or something and Lisa was looking really good. For a 40-something she is hot. And crazy. But hot.

February 02, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh where do I start? I saw that speech she did for a pro-life organization and it was really bad. I kept thinking of her as Blair, because she was doing the same mannerisms and being self-centered. Clearly she isn't much different from her character in those ways. The song "Good Girl" is sickeningly catchy. In no way am I saying that it is good, but its catchy as hell. Damn it!!! As for the ADHD that Tucker has, I doubt if he actually has it. I agree with texas gal about Lisa having ADHD, it could be possibly, her mind is all over the place! So where is that clip of Lisa and Kim on Wake up, Texas? Yeah Lisa is hot but a totally nutcase. I guess you "take the good, you take the bad you take them both and there you have" Lisa Whelchel. On another note, WHERE THE HELL IS STEVE!!!???? From what has been said of Steve, he is very effeminate (lipsy and such), $10 bucks says he has a boy toy at that FourSqaure place (church or something) lol. As for her Grammy nominated album, she was clearly sleeping with the producer of that album. She never mentioned she was a virgin when she married Steve, right? I highly doubt that she was, and if she said she was, she's telling a bold faced lie. lol I bet she's excellent in bed, just a thought, crazy/not particularly bright people tend to be amazing in the sack, from my experience. lol crap, Good Girl is stuck in my head....

February 02, 2007  
Blogger Maxine Weiss said...

I don't think Kim Fields and Nancy McKeon get along. Have you noticed that they've never appeared together at any of the reunions? Nancy didn't show up for the TV Movie reunion. And Kim didn't show up for the DVD reunion. We've never seen them all together; one, or the other, always seems to be missing!

I'm sure that Tucker does not have's just a convenient way for Lisa to take the blame off herself. Whatever trouble Tucker gets into, ---the control issues, and him not doing what she wants----Lisa can always say it's the "disease" and not the result of a controlling mother. I think there's a balance between providing structure and supervision....but doing it in a non-controlling, non overbearing way.

But, I think it's sad anytime a parent puts an unfair label on a child. It really does stigmatize a children to be stamped with all these labels. It serves the parents, not the child.

I don't think he should run. I think both Lisa and Tucker should go to college. Does Lisa have her degree? This might be a nice time for her to finish up and acquire one. And, it sends the correct message to the kids....that a college education is important. That would be funny if Tucker and Lisa enrolled at the same college. She could keep an eye on him, but if it's a large enough school, there'd also be some space.

I don't mean to be a snob, but it'd be nice to see the focus put on academics, in the Whelchel household.

They've done the Bible stuff, and they'll always have that. Now it's time for the focus to switch to academics...and this ADHD stuff is not an excuse for poor academic achievement!

There's no reason why Tucker can't get a degree in something. College is easy nowadays. They baby you. Grade inflation, mickey-mouse courses.....etc. Those kids oughta be able to breeze through---homeschooled or not.

There's really no excuses....and certainly not some phony ADHD label that she's now stamped those kids with.

Peace, Maxine

February 02, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I found the link for Lisa and Kim on Wake up, Texas. It's kinda cute and heartfelt (from Kim's reaction). lol

February 02, 2007  
Anonymous Holly said...

Thanks much for sacrificing precious minutes of your one and only life to bring us this review! HA! Love the blog. Count me a fan!

February 03, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Nancy passed on the reunion movie because she had a scheduling conflict with her TV show (plus, I think I read somewhere that she was just not thrilled about the idea of a reunion anyway). I'm not sure why Kim didn't participate in the DVD promotions, though.

February 03, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, and that video clip of Kim and Lisa is pretty cute. Too bad my laptop speakers are busted and I can't hear a word they're saying.

February 03, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"That would be funny if Tucker and Lisa enrolled at the same college."

I smell a Cauble family spin-off!

February 03, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think I found Tuckers myspace page....if you look at Casey's myspace Tucker is one of Casey's friends SN Tucker (CC). Love the site just thought I would inform you.

February 06, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think all of you have too much free time. It's sad to me that people in this world find joy in tearing people down - especially people you don't know. She is an encouragement to alot of moms out there and unless you have been in those shoes - don't judge! If you hate her coffe talk some much, why waste your time reading it? Just a thought :)

March 06, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have been a fan of Lisa Whelchel since she was in the Mickey Mouse Club.I thought the album was cute.I even got to hear her sing back in the day.I'm behind her 100% you got a problem with that?????

March 26, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just left that last post.... Wayne Campbell of Wyoming

March 26, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What I meant when I said I heared her I saw her perform.also She was really shy in those days.She made the album as a platform to share Jesus.I'm sure youd have love it if she had sung Muslim tunes hahaha :) Wayne

March 26, 2007  

Post a Comment

<< Home