Monday, January 29, 2007

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Sovereign of the Seas."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Lisa's on a cruise this week! Not only did she pick the laziest kind of vacation a human can take—a cruise—but, of course, it's a Christian cruise. AND she's still on the frickin' Daniel fast which totally negates the only reason EVER to take a cruise: to eat until you cry cheese. AND she forgoes writing about the cruise, which would have made for the best Coffee Talk entry, like, ever, to give us some more Bible-themed reflections on 2006. Can you imagine?

Eh. Well, there are pictures of Justice included (old pictures, but we'll take whatever Justice we can get), so we'll let her start yappin'.

I’m writing this from my cabin on a cruise ship. Now, before you get too jealous let me just remind you that I’m STILL on the Daniel fast! Yes, on a cruise. Actually, it hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be. Although, I have no intention of eating one more piece of fruit in any form: raw, cooked, dried, preserved, rolled up, or chocolate-covered for the whole month of February. And, I can’t wait for my first cup of coffee on Sunday morning! Yea!

Hey. Sometimes it's the little things. You know? Yea!

This is the K-Love Friends and Family cruise. Premiere Christian Cruises puts this all together and they are the same people who will also be putting together the Music Boat cruise to Jamaica in April of this year. If that sounds interesting to you please click on the banner on my home page and find out more about the trip.

Oh, god, we are SO tempted to book passage on the Music Boat cruise. Actually, no, we're more tempted to try to get Rosie's gay cruise to book the same schedule and follow the Music Boat cruise around all week.

And do we think all the Caubles will be on this cruise? Well, we know Steve will be somewhere else, but what about the kids? We ask only because it would be the perfect opportunity to put into effect Operation: Donut Rescue. Anyone on board? (On board—we're so clever! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.)

I took Clancy on their Girls’ Getaway cruise two years ago and she celebrated her 13th birthday on board. So, I’ll be taking Haven on that cruise this year to celebrate her 16th birthday.

Ah. Never mind. Operation: Donut Rescue will have to wait until the Rapture.

So, I got to thinking, I would really like to take Tucker on a cruise, just the two of us, before he leaves home. Since this cruise was scheduled for the same week as his 17th birthday I called up my friend at Premiere Christian cruises and asked if I could hop on board even if I wasn’t speaking on the cruise. He shocked me when he said, “Lisa, I just sent my last son off to college and I so believe in what you want to do I will give you a cabin and all you’ll need to take care of is the tax.” Oh my goodness, what a gracious and wonderful gift of time and memories with my son.

He shocked her?!?! Imagine our shock to learn someone let Lisa on a cruise ship for free. Is it decreed in Revelations that, Come the turn of the new millennium, one woman above all others shall be selected to ruineth the vacations of millions? You know, Christ was crucified about 2000 years ago. It's time to move on, people. Geez.

But that’s not all, my best friend in the whole wide world,, was to be speaking on the cruise so I would also get to spend time with, which is too rare since and live in different states and both have crazy busy lives. (By the way, you really must check out her website, to see if she is speaking near your home town. And sign up for her Mailing List while you’re there!)

Oh, what hysterics! Lisa refers to her BFF as a URL and implies that her BFF refers to her as a URL, too. Because they don't have time in their busy lives to actually speak to each other! So they just end up reading each other's journal entries! And then call each other their domain names! Oh, that is rich. Well, we'd like to play, too, and From now on, please refer to us as

Right this minute, Tucker is waiting for me to walk upstairs for dinner. That, plus the fact that I made a promise to you last week, means I will be posting a few more random journal entries from my 2006 personal Bible study journal for this week’s Coffee Talk. (The rest of the pictures this week are from the same time period my personal ramblings were written.)

And this is the place where seriously contemplates Since 2007 began, we've lost our job, had back surgery, have run out of milk TWICE and lost our maid Clarita to a random INS sweep. (Fine, one of those things didn't happen.) Alas, we don't have the strength to analyze Lisa's Bible Code this week. Sorry! So we'll just go ahead and list five key words from her monkey business that we feel best sum up her thoughts. Dot com.

1.) Zerubbabel
2.) warfare
3.) sacrifice
4.) sufferings
5.) death

Actually, sorry, those five words best sum up how we feel when we subject ourself to Lisa's thoughts. Her list of inspiration would probably look something more like this:

1.) Chick-fil-A Chargrilled Chicken Club Sandwich
2.) Bloomin' Onion
3.) Diet Dr. Pepper
4.) Appeteazer
5.) Michael's

Which is interesting because if you take letters from all the words from the Biblical portion of this week's Coffee Talk entry and put them together, you can form the above list. Well, you do have to add your own "z", but still. However, we will mercifully forego reprinting here this week's Biblical blather. (This act of kindness could best be compared to driving from Tallahassee to Miami without having to go through the seven hours of bullshit in between.) Should you want to subject yourself to the full Coffee Talk entry, knock yourselves out. But don't say you haven't been warned. Repeatedly. Like every week since July 2006.

That out of the way, let us get to this week's most important 2006 Revelation for us: We were not aware that before his hosting job at Chili's, Tucker was a drive-thru attendant at Chick-fil-A!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are thus assuming that Tucker finally got his cruise at 17 (as opposed to Haven's 16 and Clancy's overachieving 13) because of this Chick-fil-A/Chili's bifecta. Nicely, played, Tuck. See, this leads us to once again aver that Tucker is totes working a master plan. He's reaping the benefits (meager as they may be) of growing up Cauble without catering to his mom's Christian needs. Rather, he's catering to his mom. Literally. Tucker's smoke-and-mirrors use of chain restaurant employment is nicely distracting ol' Leese from the fact that he's, well, wearing a Led Zeppelin T-shirt.

In the words of Deniece Williams, Let's hear it for the boy! We are THIS close to emailing Tucker on MySpace and asking him to spearhead Operation: Donut Rescue. But, no. We don't want to fuck up Tuck's plan. We are now convinced that as 2007 progresses (and stops being the asshole it's been so far) and Tucker approaches 18, we'll be seeing some very interesting Tuck-related changes.

Stop. Justice time.



Oh my goodness, I can’t believe that in two “Coffee Talks” I’m still only through May 2006 of journal reflections.

Yeah, us either. Have no fear, folks, we'll be treating the subsequent 2006 reflections much as we treated this week's—by not treating them at all. Though, we of little faith have little faith that Lisa will actually complete her reflections. She left us hanging midway through last fall's "Churches I Have Known" tour, and we couldn't have been more pleased. Well, we could have if she'd never begun it at all, but that, unfortunately, wasn't up to us.

Well, I guess I’ll have to continue another week (or two.)

Well, if you're going to threaten us yet again, lady, we'll respond, yet again, accordingly: PERIOD OUTSIDE THE FUCKING CLOSE PARENTHESIS.

By the way, I’m back from dinner and now I have to pack my bags, set them outside the door and meet Tucker for a late-night concert by “The Afters.”

Hmmm. The Afters. Yeah, they're Christian, but remember, Tucker had no choice. He was trapped on a boat. This was all part of the plan, people. Trust us, after the Afters, Tucker put mom to bed and sneaked down to the staff bar. The booze is cheap down there and the staff barely speaks English. Meaning, they're drunk and have no idea they're on a Christian cruise. Oh, and we know these facts only because we lived and worked on a cruise ship for four months. But that's another story for another time.

“Thank You, God, for the gift of this cruise, a son who still wants to hang out with his mom, a best friend I can’t get enough of, cyber friends who care enough to read my personal ramblings, the treasures you hide in Your Word just for me, the promises attached to fasting, and the hope of coffee in only two more days! I am lavishly blessed by Your generous Father’s heart.”

And, if we may...

Thank you, Lisa, for the gift of the cruise portion of this week's Coffee Talk entry, a woman who still wants to hang out with her son, a best friend who's a Web site, the insistent use of the term "cyber friends," the treasures hidden in such sentences as "And, I can’t wait for my first cup of coffee on Sunday morning! Yea!", the promises attached to more unhealthy fasting and the hope of another Coffee Talk entry in only seven more days! We are lavishly blessed by your generous, unsolicited accounts of visits to what most of us refer to as reality.

Or not.


Anonymous Lori said..., this was a good one!

January 29, 2007  
Blogger -Tora- said...

very nice writing here

January 29, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said... + =

January 29, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

I can see my prediction coming true before my eyes. Some day soon, Tucker is going to move to LA and become a rock god. Seventeen years of hard slog in Proverbs has not dulled that boy's appetite for rebellion one bit. Go Tucker!

January 29, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

I forgot to add something.

Lisa has sworn off fruit for the month of February (big surprise). I'm guessing this will be one resolution she won't have to struggle to keep.

January 29, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cruise related Lisa question here. Lisa did a 2 part episode of " The Love Boat" after FOL was cancelled or was on hiatus after she had slimmed down.
She has said that she was crushing badly on the male "hunk" guest star on the eppys but has never named him. Also said that she spent hours in swimsuit by the pool with the big hair and makeup, etc.

Anyone know who the guy was she wanted and didn't get? I've always wondered.. especially since she went out of her way not to say.

January 29, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What does mean? Is it interesting ( like lesbian love)? :)

I wonder why Steve couldn't help celebrate his only son's 17th birthday??

Where is Steve? Has he moved out?

January 29, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was checking for info about Lisa's "Love Boat" appearance. The two guys mentioned that may have been the mystery guy are Ted McGinley and Jimmy McNichol. Could have been any of those two.

January 29, 2007  
Anonymous LizOnya said...

In one of the episodes of Love Boat she did, the hunky star could have been Leigh McCloskey, William R. Moses or Parker Stevenson. Jimmy MacNichol, too, I suppose.

January 29, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tlf = true love forever. I was trying to be as lame as possible. (best friends forever)was my second option., a close third but really, Lisa's probably into some way kinky stuff involving eating fried chicken and improper usage of bible quotations.

Oh and by the way I LOVE THIS SITE. It makes my week/life.

January 29, 2007  
Blogger Diner Girl said...

Ten bucks says Angela Thomas thinks Lisa is a dumbass.

January 29, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to say, Lisa looks pretty thin in these pictures. Am I hallucinating from too much Sudafed or could she possibly have a big ol' ephedra monkey on her back? I refuse to believe the Daniel Faux-Fast made her drop weight so quickly.

January 29, 2007  
Blogger Maxine Weiss said...

(February 3, 2006)

Dear Tucker,

16 years old! I guess this is the age when you begin to hear a lot of talk about being a man. When does manhood really begin? I think the native Americans had it right when they established rights of passage that signified manhood. Tucker, I think you should be sent on a long journey where you have to kill and cook your own food. Then you have to run around the countryside in a buffalo skin speedo! As fun as I know that sounds to you...I guess it still won’t make you a man. I should probably admit something to you. I am still learning what it means to be a man. I wish I could give you a formula or a process for manhood, but I can not. But, I do know this—that you and I are called by God to be men. We have no choice! If we resist becoming men, then we are resisting the very hand of God in our lives. So what can I tell you about being a man? I say tell you that a man craves responsibility, a man follows through, a man embraces change, a man loves recklessly, a man protects sacred things, a man runs races to win, a man leaves a trail behind him, a man submits to authority, a man invests in people, a man recognizes those who went before him, a man seeks counsel from wise men, and a man grabs onto God and refuses to let go! In short, I would say that becoming a man is completely reliant on the types of decisions that you make today! The “classic” movie Batman Begins taught us that “It is what we do that defines us.” Tucker—I am busier today than I have been in my entire life! However, today I chose to invest my time in a person (you) not in things. I believe I chose to be a man today. What are you going to chose?
You know I love you —
Chris (King)

January 30, 2007  
Blogger Maxine Weiss said...

(February 3, 2006)

Dear Tucker,

Finally 16!

Tucker, it might be kind of awkward to read what another guy sees in you, but receive it! You have a passion and zeal for life that is contagious. You have so many supernatural, God given leadership skills. Your posse follow your lead. — All that being said, that’s a lot of stuff to give one guy.

My prayer for you is that you will discover in this year the fury and depth of God’s love for you and that with that in your heart it will shake your everyday living! God has so much for you, bro! Receive it!

Love you,

Pace Hartfield

January 30, 2007  
Blogger Diner Girl said...

NB -- I'm surprised you didn't repost the photo Leese had on her site that depicts Tucker impersonating Ray Charles at the piano. It was the ultimate in bad taste and sadly hilarious.

January 30, 2007  
Anonymous Jean said...

You'd think the one word a zealot would know how to spell is "altar".

January 30, 2007  
Anonymous TexasGal said...

I think Lisa's freebies should be limited to things at Disney World like that horrid float she rode on with her stupid Mickey Mouse ears not too long ago. Stuff that strokes Lisa's ego but would embarrass the hell out of a normal person, IOW.

Who in the world has the nerve to call up and ask for a freebie cruise? Do you think it will work for me if I call HER house and ask for a free cruise for myself when she has her cruise deal? If I was ballsy and stupid enough, I would call her. I could always get sympathy with tales of the big chapter 13, which should hit close to home.
She owes me some really good Karma simply for all the annoying ways our lives have dovetailed over the past few years. My best friend, and I truly do mean best friend from kindergarten to present, not publicity seeking ho suckup friendship, presented some kind of Dove national musical award with Lisa and posted the photo of them hugging on her blog, barf barf; the Dream Vacation Allergro bus was supplied to the Caubles ( another freebie) by a guy I dated all through HS and most of college, and Lisa had the nerve to talk about what a hunk he is.
We moved to a very hidden, private, gated, guarded community from a distant state of residence and less than 4 months later, here comes the Cauble clan to Texas too, just 20 something miles away in the very land bountiful state of Texas. Weird. Then there's their choice of dog, but ours are NOT stupid at all. We took the time to train them and understand the breed.

The family dog is a good example of how Lisa doesn't understand basic concepts like housetraining. She also doesn't understand the major concepts such as herself, her eating disorder, her delusions, her husband's true sexual identity, anything she misquotes and mangles from the Bible, any serious literature ( definition- it was first published in hardback), her three spawn, or what trans fats are. In fact, I bet she can't name the inert gasses on the Periodical Table unless she has a few minutes to memorize them beforehand.
Lisa should be familiar with inert gasses because her head is full of them.

January 30, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How's about we all chip in and get the Cauble's a Fruit of the Month Club from Harry and David's for Christmas this year? We can send it from

Perfect gift for lil miss nutritious food hater diva, dontcha think?

January 30, 2007  
Blogger Maxine Weiss said...

"Shackles" !!!!



January 31, 2007  
Anonymous rainbeaux said...

Anonymous, that's a great idea! We can sign the card "Love, God."

P.S. Did something happen to Tucker's Myspace? Has somebody been messaging him to offer weed and condoms? *hands on hips*

January 31, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor (too much Whelchel is not enough) Rigby said...

Yes I think something HAS happened to the Myspace thing. Every single Cauble kid's Myspace has been deleted.

I reckon Mom got wind of it and stood over them while they deleted their accounts. There probably hasn't been a frenzy like that in the Cauble household since the infamous breast exposure at the SuperBowl when as a family they turned off the set and prayed for the soul of the nation.

(Now THAT was a Coffee Talk entry I'll never forget).

January 31, 2007  
Anonymous TexasGal said...

Head's up, all,
It would appear that someone in Lisa's cyber camp has put Spyware on here for her Spiritual Enlightenment and general fucking nosiness.

I have super duper new anti-Spyware part of my Internet Security software which does a Traceroute on every attempted attack on my system. The only attack today occurred while I was reading the comments here 3-4 minutes ago. I had not been to Lisa's site at all.

Here is a detailed summary copied from my Firewall Arin WHOIS Summary.
Summary of Intrusion Attempt

Map page:
Map shows trace of ping from my location in Fort Worth, TX to Nashville, TN.
( See last network on this list. Home of her manager, FWIW.)
Next page is the technical information of the attempting intruder. Here it is for anyone who might like to do a little number of their own.

MomTime Ministries, Inc.
c/o Network Solutions
P.O. Box 447
Herndon, VA 20172-0447

Domain Name:

Domain servers in listed order:

Record expires on 24-Oct-2010
Record created on 25-Oct-1997
Database last updated 31-Jan-2007-20:01:44 ET

Network View


January 31, 2007  
Blogger Diner Girl said...

Wow! What a compliment, NB -- Blair's paranoia has reached new heights and instead of letting god be the judge, SHE is being the judge. I don't think that's what jesus had in mind...... HEY, LISA!!!!! Tongue kisses to ya! How's Steve's new boyfriend? Call me, Tucker!

January 31, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does that mean she's been here? I'm confused. It's definitly probable I mean just google Lisa and this site is like # 5 or something.

January 31, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

Ah yes ... she's checking to see if the people reading her blog are the same people reading this blog. I could think of more devious explanations for why she is doing it but I really don't want to go there at the moment.

Well, Lisa perhaps you should start a comments page on your blog and we can do our thang over there to save time. You might not like it though.

January 31, 2007  
Anonymous TexasGal said...

Laughing so hard I can hardly type.
I am probably the last person in America to hear about this vomit-inducing sleaze move of Lisa's. Just read it in Lisa's Wiki entry. I've laughed so hard that I've cried.

Direct Cut and Paste
"In 1981, Whelchel was caught by producer Aaron Spelling, giving oral sex to then "Happy Days" star Scott Baio in the back of the Columbia/Sunset Gower studio lot. This incident was rumored to have cost Whelchel her own spinoff of "Facts of Life"."

If so, no wonder Lil Miss Christian Saint On Earth slunk off and married herself a much older, gay PREACHER MAN and stayed home popping out babies for years. She was too damned embarrassed to show her face in Hollywood.

Blow job right there in the freaking back lot. Not even taking the time to get a cheap motel room. Sleaze Queen of the 80's !!!!

I'm no prude, but really, Lisa's never had any healthy self- respect or normal ego boundaries, has she?
SCOTT BAIO?? I need to go brush my teeth !!!

February 01, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, Wikipedia can be edited by almost anyone. I strongly suspect it's false. (But probably more likely than the alleged threesome with Todd Bridges and Mindy Cohn, also mentioned on Wikipedia.)

I did a bit of Googling and found this on the Wallace State Community College site (from an article posted there after Lisa spoke at their school:

"After her children were born, Whelchel intended to return to acting, she said, 'but God had other plans in mind.'

She talked of auditioning at producer Aaron Spelling’s request for a TV series with religious themes, a part she thought was perfect for her.

'I walked into the audition, and I gave the worst reading of my life,' Whelchel said. 'I went back to the parking lot, just sitting in my minivan, and I thought, ’OK, Lord, you don’t want me to have that part, but was there another way besides humiliating me?’ It wasn’t that I wanted to argue with God, I just wanted to make sure he had thought this through.'

Whelchel said she then realized God had 'removed his hand of blessing' from her as an actress, intending for her to serve as a wife and mother."

February 01, 2007  
Anonymous TexasGal said...

I had no clue that anyone could make up things and put them on Wikipedia. Why does it even exist if it can be a bunch of lies? If I was Lisa, I would want that crap about her sex life off there ASAP.

Lisa relates her horrible audition with Aaron post- marriage and childbirth in her FOL book also, with perhaps a minor variation or two.She's stated many times that Aaron helped her with her acting career and seemed to take a personal interest in her, offering her guest shots on his shows. She stated that she REALLY wanted to go back to acting, but found that she just couldn't past muster any longer after she took on the roles of wife and mommy. Good thing she didn't want to sing again.

If I was wrong in posting what I believed to come from a reputable source, I apologize and I hope it will be removed from this Blog ASAP.

Being snarky about her blog is one thing, but repeating mean unsubstantiated shit is not my style at all.

February 01, 2007  
Anonymous Eleanor Rigby said...

I haven't looked up Lisa's Wiki page but I can't imagine that entry being legit. Oh boy ... that is just too mean.

February 01, 2007  
Blogger Maxine Weiss said...

Tucker has something called "Xanga" can Google 'Tucker Cauble'....and it directs you to his Xanga page.

He's got Blogs for much of 2005, and a little of 2004. It gives great insight into his personality.

He's not a bad kid.

However, he's had a very unstructured life.

Whole days, months? .....with "nothing to do"....and apparently no supervision, while Lisa was off doing...whatever.

And she has the nerve to classify him as ADHD ?????

From what I can tell, after reading Tucker's 'Xanga' Blog ...he is definitely not ADHD, he's just bored, and wasn't given the structure he needed. I imagine he's very gifted.

A diagnosis of ADHD seems to serve Lisa's purposes...not Tucker's.


Peace, Maxine

February 01, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that poor, lonely, boy. I feel so bad for Tucker, he's a sweetheart, bored out of his mind. He needs to go ahead and get his license so he can have fun. I hate to be mean, but his spelling is atrocious. In each of his blogs he keeps saying "comment and stuff" "please comment" "write something"...aww I feel bad. and it seems like he had a a girlfriend named Emily for a while.

February 03, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All three of her kids seem nice and it makes me want to believe that her abusive child rearing book was the result of some very bad editing. Tucker does seem less radical and his mother admits that. I doubt he will end up like the rest of them. The youngest girl is totally on board with the Christian crap. I think Lisa means well, but it's sad to think of these kids going to their mother for life advice and always being hit with scripture and verse. They will turn on that way of life especially when their father comes out, or they divorce etc.


February 06, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Welcome to our website for you World of Warcraft Gold,Wow Gold,Cheap World of Warcraft Gold,cheap wow gold,buy cheap wow gold,real wow gold,sell wow gold, ...
Here wow gold of 1000 gold at $68.99-$80.99 ,World Of Warcraft Gold,buy wow gold,sell world of warcraft gold(wow gold),buy euro gold wow Cheap wow gold,cheapest wow gold store ... buy euro gold wow wow gold--buy cheap wow gold,sell wow gold.welcome to buy cheap wow gold--cheap, easy, wow gold purchasing.World of Warcraft,wow gold Super ...
We can have your wow gold,buy wow gold,wow gold game,world of warcraft gold, wow Gold Cheap wow, Cheap wow gold,world of warcraft gold deal,Cheap WOW Gold ...

Welcome to our website for you World of Warcraft Gold,Wow Gold,Cheap World of Warcraft Gold,wow gold,buy cheap wow gold,real wow gold,sell wow gold, ...
Here wow gold of 1000 gold at $68.99-$80.99,World Of Warcraft Gold,buy wow gold,sell world of warcraft gold(wow gold),buy gold wow lightninghoof instock Cheap wow gold,cheapest wow gold store ...
wow gold--buy cheap wow gold,sell wow gold.welcome to buy cheap wow gold--cheap, easy, wow gold purchasing.World of Warcraft,wow gold Super ...
Wow gold- Gold for buy gold wow lightninghoof instock EU-Server: Gold EU: starting from 84,99?; 3000 WoW Gold EU: starting from 119,99?. wow Gold- Leveling Services: ...
We can have your wow Gold,buy wow Gold,wow Gold game,wow gold, Cheap wow Gold, Cheap World of Warcraft Gold,world of warcraft gold deal,buy cheap wow gold,Cheap WOW Gold ...

Here wow Gold of 1000 gold at $68.99-$80.99,World Of Warcraft Gold,buy wow Gold,sell world of warcraft gold(wow gold),Cheap wow gold,cheapest World of Warcraft Gold store

March 04, 2007  

Post a Comment

<< Home