Wednesday, September 05, 2007

The Coffee Talk Companion: "The Yenta Tour: Via Dologrossa!"

Yes, there's more. No, it's not done. Yes, you can leave. No, we won't be sad. Yes, we will. No, we're not lying. Yes, we are.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Today begins our shorter tour days.


We went to the praise and worship service at 8:30, then the first session was at 9:30 and the second session was at 11:00. We boarded the tour bus at 12:30 and ate our box lunches on the way to the Old City.

Oooh, contest time! Anyone who can decipher all, or even part, of the above paragraph will win a voucher good for a year’s worth of never having to come to this site. Send your entries to with the subject heading, “Set Me Free, Why Don’t Ya, Blair?” Better yet, don’t. Unless you’re a cute, single, thirtysomething doctor. In which case, please include a photo.

We entered through the Lion’s Gate which is also the gate that was penetrated to start and ultimately win the 6-Day war.

That was the first, and last, time in history that a gate won a war. Or was it the penetration that proved successful? Is this suddenly Manhunt?

We walked through the Muslim Quarter of the Market and down the traditional Via Dolorosa stations. We visited the Holy Sepulchre Church which is where tradition has the crucifixion and burial of Jesus. I don’t know if it is or not but it is so gaudy and religiousy that I could barely even stay in there very long. It gave me a creepy feeling.

Two things: Her English is getting worse than usual. “…which is where tradition has the crucifixion and burial of Jesus”??? “I don’t know if it is or not but it is…”??? Sheesh.

More importantly, what in the ever-lovin’ world could be too “religiousy” for Lisa Whelchel? It’s not like…wait…hold on…is this what we think it is? Has Sir Tuckalot taken over the journal?! It would explain both the hyper-terrible grammar AND the sudden unreliability of the narrator. Tucker, if this is you, we forgive the bad English (you never had a chance) and commend your coup skills.

The last stop of the day before the evening session of convention was St. Anne’s Church just outside the Pools of Bethesda. My sister-in-law…

Nah. It’s Lisa. We’re pretty positive Tucker never learned the term “sister-in-law.” He certainly couldn’t hyphenate it correctly. Damn. We were momentarily so excited.

Even worse, we now have to hear about…

…Maria, sang “The Via Dolorosa” a capella within the beautiful acoustics of this church. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room.

Had we been there, our eyes would have been so dry they would have each crawled out of our head, traveled to our ears, forced their way to our brain and slapped the shit out of our cerebral cortex for having been forced to sit through the entire number. Our brain would then chastise them for being so violent and remind them that they were looking at Justice the whole time. Our eyes would then be humbled and sulk back to their sockets, but not before laying the smack down on our bitch of a nose.

EW. (And we're not talking about the ridiculous caption.)

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Another short day of touring but packed with incredible times with the Lord during the convention sessions.

Remind us to ask the lord the next time we speak to him how he manages to be in so many lunatic-filled buildings all over the world at one time. And, more, why he would want to. K?

We visited this model of the Old City and that was fascinating. A part of me wishes that we had seen this place first because it really helps to put all of the different pieces together.

We once went to Old City, too! The best part was watching our friend go up on the way-tall Human Slingshot and scream her head off as she fell like a lead weight toward the ground! Or maybe it was Knives & Things! No, no, no—it was Sock Exchange!

Oh, wait, sorry, that was Old Town.

Yesterday, we visited the traditional site of the death and resurrection of Jesus. Today we visited the other contenders. Gosh, these were so much better. The Golgotha site really did look like a skull and the Garden Tomb was beautiful.

Ah, how wonderful that Israel has become a reality show for Lisa. Vote for your favorite Jesus death-and-resurrection site! Too bad PAX isn’t still around; we’d totally pitch it to them. Wait. There’s ABC. Same thing.

Dude, WHAT is she wearing? It looks like Daffy's laid the smack down on Talbots, only to have Bealls try to break it up.

The convention session this evening was a musical called, “The Covenant” chronicling the history of promise of the Jewish people. It was stirring.

Yeah, sure sounds that way. You know what else is being stirred? The vodka and soda we’re preparing right now in order to make our way through the end of Lisa’s summer journal. We’re almost there, but it’s been one hell of an ordeal, as you have seen. But hang in there—the last installment is on its way. Unless we attempt an Owen Wilson. Successfully, of course (it’s the long way, Wilson! Duh!).

Too soon?