Monday, April 30, 2007


Hi, kids. We just wanted to pop in with a bit of an update. No, we have not forsaken you, as much as you wish we had. The main reason we have not updated in a few weeks is because, obviously, Lisa has not. Yes, she is posting old Coffee Talk entries, but, in case you're new here, we do not comment on old news. If someone would like to pay us to comment on Whelchel's regurgitated nonsense, we'll happily rethink our position. Until then, we have other things to do. Like cut our nails.

As well, we are currently in between jobs (see above regarding income, or lack thereof). Work is currently the last thing on our mind. We have, instead, been eating too much, spending too much and generally lazing about. Today we sat by the river and read. Tomorrow we our having custom shirts made. After years and years of hard work, we feel we deserve these glorious three weeks off. K? Come mid-May we should be checking in a little more frequently. Perhaps. We can only promise always to try to update when Lisa actually does.

So, you enjoy this time off from us, heah? AND, let us be the first to announce that at 8 p.m. on Wednesday, May 16, we will be making our second appearance at the fabulous WYSIWYG Talent Show! Last time we presented a slide show about our very gay Bar Mitzvah, and this time we will be presenting another slide show about an awkward lunch with a fading celebrity (not Lisa, but someone equally as depressing). It should be fantastic. And, it's the day after our 31st birthday, so you really have no choice but to be there. All the information is located at the link above. UPDATE: Unfortunately, we had to cancel the WYSIWYG appearance due to an actual paying gig. But we plan to do another date if they're still talking to us...

That's all for now. Enjoy the beautiful, allergy-inducing weather!

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

A Coffee Talk clarification.

If you're a glutton for torture, you've probably realized that Lisa has posted a "new" Coffee Talk entry today. "New" is in quotation marks because, of course, the post is not new. It's old. It's from something called a MOPS Convention from September of 2005. It took place at the Gaylord Texan hotel. We think that's plenty right there.

The thing is 1.) we're not feeling so well, and 2.) even if we were, we, and not Lisa, decide when we want to visit the vast Whelchelian archive. So, until we get a new post, there will be no Coffee Talk Companion. For the three of you who are disappointed, cheer up—we're sure Lisa will be blogging her little backside off again in no time. She's never been one to hold her tongue.

For now, why not visit our archive? Pretty much every Coffee Talk entry since last summer has been chronicled here, so, if you're new, run as far as you can away. Seriously. None of this is good for anyone's health. Speaking of which, time for some tea! Yum!

Keep the faith, you.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Downsizing."

Well, we got our answer, folks. It's...


As if it were going to be anything else. Come AWN. But, before you totally do your biggest eyeroll ever, you should read Lisa's entire entry. THEN, you can do the eyeroll.

At long last, I finally have a few minutes to talk a little bit about why I’ve been so flaky with my journal entries lately. For you, my faithful friends, who meet me regularly for a cup of “Coffee Talk” you know these last few months have been crazy busy.

Thank you, Lisa, for referring to us as a faithful friend. That's exactly what we consider ourselves, so it's nice to hear it echoed. Now—and we say this only because you told us we're your friend, and faithful friends help faithful friends—never, ever, ever, ever say "crazy busy" ever again. K? "Crazy" is not an adverb. It is an adjective, as in "You are crazy."

The insanity really peaked last fall when I was writing two books at the same time, speaking on the weekends, and trying to get my family started out right for the school year. As you’ve probably noticed, I haven’t been able to recover as quickly as in the past. I feel like I’ve been playing catch-up ever since.

You know, Lisa, back here in reality we call what you just described, "life." It's when you have things you need to do. Our mom raised two kids by herself while working full-time as a teacher. And not even a fake teacher. A real-life certified one! Were not saying that your schedule didn't feel insane, Leese, but please be aware that most everyone else's existences, including those of the staff of this site, are as busy and, usually, more busy than yours. We clarify this only to give voice to those with real jobs.

Let me back up a bit.

Ugh. Really?

Not only was my schedule out of whack last fall but God, in His infinite wisdom, chose to use that season of my life to do an emotional and spiritual makeover in my heart at the same time. I’m fairly certain it wasn’t coincidental.

And we're fairly certain that God, in His infinite wisdom, was gettin' a little sick of a certain whack-job and decided to quiet her under the guise of "emotional and spiritual makeover." (And, no, this does not mean we suddenly believe in a divine being; it means we occasionally like to play-pretend, too. It keeps us young and beautiful.)

It takes a lot for me to crack under pressure.

Yeah, but a few sentences ago, Leese, you were talking about how insane it is to be a non-single, non-employed mother. It's just that...oh, NEVER MIND!

Since I’m pretty sure that brokenness was the goal, God allowed the stress to come at me from all sides to breakthrough my strength so that He could reach the most protected parts of my heart. He started a deep work that still feels like it is in the beginning stages.

Well, of course it feels like it's in the beginning stages if he just started it! Semantics notwithstanding (and why should they now?), it truly makes us nervous to know Lisa is far from the only one who, when feeling...broken, a.) blames it on god and then b.) quickly turns it into something "good." It's like getting a cold and calling it a sneeze party from a sparkly fairy.

Toward the end of 2006 I felt like the Lord was calling me to a Sabbatical. At first I thought it meant that I wasn’t to write a book in 2007, other than “The Busy Teacher’s Guide to Prayer” which was due in the spring. (Which really boiled down to a 7-month writing sabbatical.)

1.) Nice product placement.

2.) AGAIN WITH THIS! You know, we'd love to be able to walk out of our day job for a year and just say the lord called us to a sabbatical. Wait—fuck a year. Make it two! Or ten! But to have no job and then claim sabbatical, why, that's just rich. Especially when your non-job deadline is not a date or even month, but a season. Yeah—sabbatical this!

Over time, He revealed the depth of His plan. First He made it clear that it was to be a full year off from writing – from May 2007 to May 2008.

We, like you, dear one of 150 readers, are, of course, wondering how "He" made this clear. Does the walk-in prayer closet have a satellite link-up to heaven? Did a Franklin Covey planner missing May 2007 to May 2008 fall out of the sky and hit Lisa on the head? Was "Do more nothing from May 2007 to May 2008" spelled out in chicken tenders the last time Lisa had Valu-Meal #4 at Chik-fil-A? HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN???

Sorry. It's just know.

Then, out of the blue, (yea right!) my publisher asked me to reconsider writing the Teacher Prayer book. They wanted another title but I suggested that we shelf the idea of another book altogether until after God was finished with whatever He was up to in my life. They sensitively and graciously agreed. Which means my sabbatical has come sooner that I even imagined. I am free from all book commitments! Praise the Lord.

Ohhhhhhhhh! We get it now.

(Phone rings)

Lisa: Hello?

Them: Hi, Lisa, it's your publisher. We're going to have to ask you to reconsider writing the teacher prayer book. We want another title.

Lisa: How about "Prayerbook of Teachers"?

Them: No, uh, you don't understand. We want another title completely.

Lisa: I see. How about "How to Talk to God if You Are an Educator"?

Them: Wow. OK. No, the thing is...

Lisa: Well, that's all I got! You know, my life's really insane right now. Tucker's at guitar camp, Haven's Camping for Christ, Clancy's in Peru, Steve's somewhere that isn't here and I have a book due in 60 to 90 days! I am VERY BUSY!

Them: You're right. You are very busy. So why don't we just...

Lisa: Shelf the book?

Them: Well, shelve it, but fine. "Shelf" works, too.

Lisa: What?

Them: We'll talk soon.

Lisa: Oh, no! Donut's escaped again!

(Dial tone)

Yes, it's all clear now.

Last fall, the Lord gave me the passage from Ephesians 3:16-21 as my focus for this sovereign work of grace that has begun. I have personalized it for myself and say it every day this way,

[Bible crap deleted and replaced by photo of cover of Dr. Seuss's One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish]

That is my goal…to know, really know and experience, the love of Christ. Another key verse for this season is Psalm 46:10, “Be still, and know that I am God.” As I slow down from busyness and stuff, albeit good stuff, I am redirecting that time and energy into being instead of doing. My focus these next 13 months is on relationships. I want to know myself better, go places in my heart that I have been too afraid to approach up until now. I also want to know my family and friends more intimately and be able to have the love of Christ flow through me to the people I am called to serve and encourage, namely you!

Oh, poor family, friends and us. Lisa's 13 months of having less than nothing to do is going to be the opposite for Stormie, Dee Dee, Beth, Tucker, Haven, Clancy, Donut,, wait...Steve's been pretty much out of the picture lately. We really haven't heard anything about him since the Great Holiday Mall Food Hunt of '06. Has god been inviting Steve to private sessions to inform him of Lisa's plans? Has he been sharing intimate time with Steve? Has Steve been MIA due to his being in the closet? This is all coming together like a kitty jigsaw puzzle: you continue to struggle to put it together and, when you finally do, you look at the completed picture and wonder why you bothered.

And, as for Lisa's promised attention to us, we hope that means more steady Coffee Talks, missy!

This takes time, hence, the sabbatical. Which brings me back to you. I still plan to journal but not as regularly and consistently. As I have time and as the Lord stirs things in my heart and life that I put down on paper (or a Word doc) I will be excited to share them with you. On the weeks when I’m too busy being and don’t feel like doing then I will post an archived journal entry from the last six years. Hopefully, they will still be new to you, or at least feel new.

Wait. Two paragraphs ago she gives us this:

I also want to know my family and friends more intimately and be able to have the love of Christ flow through me to the people I am called to serve and encourage, namely you!

And then she gives us this:

I still plan to journal but not as regularly and consistently.

So—apparently she's going to pay us more attention by not paying us more attention. And it gets better...

My goal is to be more consistent with my monthly E-letter but I can’t even guarantee that.

Yeah, we subscribe to that "monthly" newsletter which shows up in our inbox maybe twice a year. Maybe, Lisa, instead of creating your own drama, STOP CALLING IT A MONTHLY NEWSLETTER. That's an easy solution, and we didn't even have to consult the voices in our head for it. And, if you just have to call it a "monthly" newsletter, remember there are 12 months in year, which equals NOT A LOT OF FUCKING WORK.

Oy, vey iz mir!

I just promise to be true to whatever pace God is working and hopefully that will mean keeping up regular communication with you in some form or another over this next year. Who knows, God may start speaking so fast that I have more to write about than ever and my journal entries won’t slow down at all. I really don’t know.

What we really do know from that paragraph is an eye-opening equation:

(Nonsense x hypocrisy) + passing the buck to imaginary wizard = religion

Moving on...

But if I slow way down, just know that I will miss our weekly “talks” and that when I do have something to say you will be the first to know and I will be full of excitement to share it with you. Please pray that God will complete the work He has started in me and that I will have the courage to go as deep as He desires. I have a feeling that my life and ministry won’t even look the same when this heart work is done. I am filled with holy expectation for what is ahead. I hope you will still be here waiting for me. I miss you already.

And there you have it: a magnum opus of prattle. No, we're not mad at the threat of less Coffee Talking. Clearly that delights us. What's severely frustrating is all this onanistic dinner-theater-level crapola. All these words, words, words making up sentences that don't make sense in paragraphs that contradict one another. It's all such weighty...filler.

Alas, if you've been paying close attention, you'll notice that this CTC was, in fact, inspired by this week's Coffee Talk entry. We humored Lisa's antics with antics of our own. In the end, both Lisa's and our unsolicited contributions to the world can be summarized in a few easy sentences:

There's this Web site that makes fun of me and it's really stressing me out. I can't acknowledge that site, even though it is the fourth result on Google when you search "Lisa Whelchel," which I do ALL THE TIME. And I can't sue the site's very handsome author because no one is actually asking me to share my very important views with the world. Well, besides God, and He can't even get Steve to leave a note. So, I'm not going to journal anymore!

You'll be back, crybaby, and we'll be waiting. We have nothing better to do.