Saturday, February 24, 2007

The Coffee Talk Companion: "A Wicked Sense of Tumor."

Well, well. Nicely played, Whelchel. Nice-ly play-ed. Using the big guns on us so early in the year. We applaud you. 'Cause, really, cancer's not funny, right?


Lisa, not only is cancer, to quote Jerri Blank, "hi-larious," but, whilst your best friend's mom was being diagnosed with cancer, our BEST FRIEND was being diagnosed with cancer. So, not only did you underestimate our comedy threshold, lady, you also underestimated the proximity of our relationship to said comedy. That is a one-two double snap in your Diet Dr. Pepper-drinkin', Chik-fil-A-eatin' face. Oh, don't worry, we'll let you talk, but please know that you're gonna have to much bettah than three-person-transitive-funny-disease to quiet us.


Yesterday, a close friend of mine’s mother was diagnosed with cancer. When she called I just didn’t know what to say and I so desperately wanted to say the right thing and not say the wrong thing or not not say something I should say. I’ve never been through anything like this personally. And I’ve walked through enough things to know that you don’t know what you don’t know and you certainly don’t know like someone who knows so don’t pretend to know.

Well, what she couldn't say on the phone she certainly managed to foist upon us this week. Sheesh. And, like, when has Lisa ever been at a loss for words? Wefinds it hard to imagine there has ever been a moment when Lisa had nothing to say.

So after I hung up the phone I did four things. I went directly into my walk-in closet and prayed. I know that sounds so godly but the truth is, because I love this friend so much, it felt like I had been kicked in the stomach with this news and I needed to get away and get alone and just be doubled over with the Lord.

Just to note here: Were this a normal person, she would have gone into her walk-in closet to get dressed. Were this a semi-normal person, she would have gone into her walk-in closet to pray while getting dressed. Because this is Lisa, she went into her walk-in closet to pray. We feel it's necessary to carefully illustrate the differences between the three.

I didn’t know what to say to my friend but not having the words didn’t limit me with the Lord. I could pour my heart out to Him and He understood. I could pray with words that failed and then I could groan when even those words failed. I could bring this extended family that I know so little, yet love so deeply due to the mystery of friendship, before Him and He knows each one of them intimately. All I knew to do was ask that He hear the cry of my heart to answer the cry of their hearts even though I don’t know the particulars of their secret soul-tears.

"Soul-tears"!?!?!?! We'd love to see what dictionary He uses to figure that one out. If we believed in Him. Which we don't.

Oh, you know what? We're feeling a little peckish. We're gonna go into our walk-in closet to grab a snack from the fridge. BRB.

Even though I know God knows, I want to know, too. I want to know how to pray specifically. I love that about God. Yes, we can groan before Him and the Holy Spirit will listen to our yearnings and deliver the messages we’ve attempted to express in our heart-broken English to the Father. But He is also a detail God and He loves it when we ask Him for specifics so He can show Himself intimate and personal in His bigness.

Honestly, people, we didn't understand a word of that heartbroken English. Not a word. OK, fine. We did comprehend one word: "groan." We know what that means because it's something we do loudly every week when we visit this Web site.

So the next thing I did was get on the Internet and learn as much as I could learn about this kind of cancer. I want to fight this battle in prayer with my friends. To do that, it helps to know what we’re up against. It would be foolish to go to war without knowing your enemy and having a strategy to win.

That's exactly what we did when our friend was diagnosed! The Internet really is a helpful tool when it comes to something like this. Well, it is if you go to a site like this instead of this.

I not only want to know how to pray but I do want to know what to say. So the next thing I did was call another friend of mine from California who had just left my house the day before. We’ve been friends for over 25 years and yet, due to a God set-up, this trip drew us closer together than ever before. Who knew I would need her again so soon? While she was here we spent some time talking about the personal journey I have been on these past few months. She informed me that I had boarded “The Truth Train.” She’s been on this train many times in her life, most recently when she walked beside her best friend through cancer and to the gates of Heaven.

All right. We're honestly about to board the Barf Train if this continues. Lisa, honey, your plan is backfiring big time. Not only are you shooting blanks at us, but, since you've admitted that you were devastated by your good friend's mom's cancer, you've only talked about how YOU feel. We don't know anything about the cancer, about how your friend is doing, about how your friend's mom is doing, even about WHAT you're doing to help. No, it's all about you you you you you. Take, for example, the above paragraph. How many times is the word "I" used? Six. Six times in seven sentences. That's nearly one time per sentence.

Lisa, we're beginning to think you find cancer as funny as we do.

I asked her what kind of friend she would have wanted to walk beside her as she walked beside her friend. What can I say to bring comfort? When will I know when to simply be quiet and listen? How will I know when to be there for her and how will I know when to just be here for her? I received the following email last night filled with such gentle wisdom that I wanted to share the whole thing with you.

Aw. That's so sweet. Unfortunately the "I"-to-sentence ratio in the above paragraph exceeds the 1:1 statistic established by the previous paragraph. Meaning, we don't believe Lisa when she finally sees fit to use the word "share." Which is why, instead of reprinting Lisa's friend's email here, we're going to share something else with you. We feel it's similar in sentiment, but much briefer. And we do mean it.

The last thing I did was send my current favorite CD and a card to my friend and her mother. This CD, “Sing Over Me,” has been the soundtrack of my life while I’m on the “Truth Train.” It is a collection of gentle, tender reminders of worship. I want to be with my friend and her mother on this journey but the fact is, that will not be possible for the majority of it. I can be there in spirit, I can carry them in my heart, we can meet before the Throne in prayer but, physically, I will be here and they will be there.

Here's the Sing Over Me Web site. If you want, you can send a Sing Over Me e-card to Lisa telling her how much you appreciate when we talk over her. Oh, and in case you're now counting, there were five sentences in the last paragraph and six "I"s. We're gonna stop counting now; you get the picture.

Speaking of getting the frickin' picture, folks, we're now just gonna let the final three paragraphs fly and sum up at the end. Apparently the Truth Train is taking the scenic route through Speaking-in-Tonguesville, and we have to catch the 3pm connection to Get-Us-the-Fuck-Out-of-Here City. We'll see you on the other side...

If I were there I would want to hold them and encourage them and just sit there and be with them in the stillness of not knowing. And yet, even if I could, my touch would be so limited. At best, I can embrace from the outside-in. God can hold us from the inside-out. The Bible tells us that God inhabits the praises of His people. My prayer is that as these dear ones whom I love so much listen and enter into the atmosphere of worship on this CD that they will experience everything I long to say from the very incarnation of the perfect Word. I share this journal entry with you today knowing that, like my friend’s email said, everyone knows someone who has a story or is living the story where cancer has become a major character in this chapter of their lives. I still don’t know what to say but I will say it anyway. Jesus is the Word of Life who became flesh for us that we might be able to touch Him and receive His touch. We are to become like Jesus in all things. Let’s risk wrapping our hearts in words so that we, perhaps especially in our humanity, may walk beside our friends able to hold hands on our journeys.

So, basically, here's what happened in this week's Coffee Talk entry:

Lisa finds out from a good friend that this friend's mom has cancer. Lisa doesn't know what to say to this friend, so, instead, she does four things:

1.) She prays in a closet.
2.) She Googles "cancer."
3.) She calls a non-cancer-related friend.
4.) She listens to a cd of lullabies.

Got it? Good. Now we're going to play a game...

Say you were shown the above list and told of its circumstances, but you had no idea it concerned the actions of one Lisa Whelchel. Then, say your phone rings and, when you answer it, the voice on the other end says in an extremely menacing tone, "We have taken your beloved kitty hostage. We are going to kill her in the most hideous way possible unless you correctly guess the age of the subject of the list you were just shown."

What would your guess be?

Exactly. It would most definitely not be, "Oh, please don't hurt Chantelle! Please don't hurt Chantelle! That list is clearly talking about a 44-year-old woman!" It would probably be more like,"Oh, please don't hurt Chantelle! Please don't hurt Chantelle! That list is clearly talking about a 4-year-old mentally handicapped girl!"

See, when our friend told us he had cancer, we responded by saying that we're totally there for him and that we'll come visit him in the hospital during his recovery from surgery. And we also asked him if he's really serious about having the Moody Blues' "Your Wildest Dreams" played at his funeral if he dies. Now, we're not saying that that's, like, the ideal way to handle a surprise attack by the cancer ninja. But, in contrast to how Lisa Whelchel dealt with it, at least we asked about HIS funeral and didn't focus on us us us us us. Because, honestly, why worry about what you say or how you feel when you yourself aren't the cancer-ridden one? Just say you'll be supportive, crack a joke and then get on with your cancer-free life. Save the worry for something that matters, like for when someone's holding your cat hostage.

And, no, we're not kidding about our friend having cancer. We'd never joke about something so serious. Sing Over Me sympathy e-cards can be sent to the address in the right-hand column of this site. And if you're thinking you don't have time to send us one, remember that only you can put the "can" in cancer.

We, and our walk-in closet, love you. C U next week.

Monday, February 19, 2007

The Coffee Talk Companion: "At Play in the Fields of the Bored."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Oh, sorry. We were just napping after reading this week's Coffee Talk entry. Lisa talks about how she surprises Kim Fields on the set of something called Good Morning, Texas. You know, we weren't even going to bother with this one, but, since we left you high and dry last week (thanks, JetBlue!), we'll give it a shot. A very small shot. You probably won't even feel it.

A couple of weeks ago I was running on the treadmill at our local fitness center. I was listening to my iPod but I look up at the television to catch a picture of Kim Fields.

OK. Just to note, there are more tenses in that sentence than in a roomful of Jews.

“Good Morning, Texas” was advertising that she would be a guest on the show the next morning. When I got back home I called my manager and asked him to call the producer of the show to get a message to Kim for me since she recently moved from L.A. to NYC and I didn’t have any of her new information.

Lisa has a manager??? Oh, wait. She probably just misspelled "manger." She called her manger. Which called Jesus. Who called Dee Dee. Who called Starbucks. Who called Justice. Who called his divorce lawyer. Who called us to tell us that Justice is madly in love with us and is leaving Maria as we write. And somehow Kim Fields got involved.

Yeah, that's totes what happened.

The producers asked if I would be willing to come down to the studio the next morning and surprise Kim on the air. I thought it would be a really fun idea. So the next morning I drove to the studio, hid out in the make-up room until Kim was on the set and then walked onto the stage at the end of her interview.

You know, if there were an Olympics for the saddest thing ever written, the above would be a contender for the gold.

I never could have imagined her wonderful response. She started crying and jumping up and down and fanning her face and laughing and hugging and it was so much fun! I immediately planted a kiss on her big belly where baby “Sebastian” is growing. It was so very good to see her. There’s just nothing like old friends!

Awwwwww. Sebastian. We got our hands on an ultrasound of Kim's big belly, by the way. Here it is:

Kim was on the show to promote a fabulous play she is touring with and starring in called, “Control Issues: We All Got ‘Em.” The writer and director, LaTerras R. Whitfield, was also on the show, as well as one of the other stars, Darrin DeWitt Henson. You may recognize him from the ShowTime show, “Soul Food,” or the current movie, “Stomp the Yard."

Actually, the show is called Issues: We All Got 'Em. The whole "Control Issues" nonsense was clearly Lisa's own problems coming to light.

Here's the link to the show's Web site. We have to say, it's a little depressing to see Kim on the urban theater circuit. We're sure Issues: We All Got 'Em is a marvelous piece of playwriting—the title itself is a wonder—but after 111 episodes of Living Single, shouldn't a sistah be rewarded with something more high-profile?

See, Lisa, there really isn't a god.

Oh, and is the Vanessa Williams mentioned in the cast list the Vanessa Williams? Surely it's not, right? Right?

Kim had to run off to rehearsal and I was on my way to my Thursday morning Bible study so we traded numbers, took a few snapshots, and promised to spend as much time together as possible while she was in town. I had to leave town the next day but Kim set tickets aside for me to see her play the following Wednesday evening. I brought my dear friend, Priscilla, with me and we both thoroughly enjoyed the play. I highly recommend you visit the director’s website to see if it is coming to a city near you. You will love it.

We thoroughly highly disagree with that last statement. Unless it is Vanessa Williams. Is it? It's not, right?

The next day, I met Kim for lunch and spent the whole afternoon catching up and then did a tiny bit of shopping. Kim’s baby is due in May and she looks even more beautiful than ever. And that is saying a lot! By the way, Nancy had her second baby at the end of December. Yes, we are all growing up, but we will forever be childhood friends at heart.

And, cue violins. No, sorry. Cue us going back to sleep. Look, people, we tried. But you have to admit, Lisa totally phoned this one in. Like, more than usual. There was nary a mention of Charlotte or Mindy, and Nancy only got one shout-out at the end. Come on. If you're gonna surprise Tootie, lady, at least regale us with some good details, not crap about where you hid in the studio.

Have a good week, y'all. In case you haven't seen it, here's the actual Good Morning, Texas segment on which Lisa surprises Kim. We're still trying to figure out if Kim's initial screaming is excitement or terror.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

BN Advisory.

The Coffee Talk Companion will not be seen this week due to our being in San Diego and a storm being in New York. We will return to our normally scheduled programming next week.

Thank you for your understanding.

Monday, February 05, 2007

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Dies infinitum."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Lisa continues this week with her reflections on 2006. Lady, it's already February. This is like leaving the Christmas tree up past January 1, something we absolutely DO NOT tolerate. We don't know why she insists on continuing this other than to supremely annoy us. So we're going to make this week's Companion as brief as possible. Sorry, but it's just hard to make lemonade out of bananas.

Well, we’ve made it to June 2006 in my personal Bible study journal. I’ll start choosing a few random ramblings to share with you and continue to reminisce by including photos from that same time period. Who knows, we may even be able to wrap this up this week.

Who knows? We know. The only thing wrapping up this week is our head in a plastic bag.

Oh, and by the by, for visual aid this week, we're just going to type into Google Images the book name of each of Lisa's Bible citations and post the first photo that comes up. For instance, for the citation below, we're going to enter "Corinthians." We'll post the result following her...chatter and our...rebuttal (emphasis on the "butt").

1 Corinthians 1:22-24 “For Jews request a sign, and Greeks seek after wisdom but we preach Christ crucified, to the Jews a stumbling block and to the Greeks foolishness, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.” – I realized today that I have been struggling between two tensions in my ministry. 1.) I often feel inadequate and shallow because I am not a “Bible teacher” as much as a storyteller. (Greeks/Wisdom) 2.) I have been wanting to see the power of God fall and the presence of God show up when I speak. (Jews/Signs) Dear Jesus, Please forgive me for looking beyond the work You did on the cross and resurrection as enough. Not only when I speak, but also in my family. In my ministry, rather than look for signs or impressive teaching I should keep the focus on Your ability to forgive sins, set free, bring newness of life and hope for tomorrow and eternity. In my family, rather than focus on works, I should always bring the answer back to You alone, the forgiveness of sins and power over the threat of death to the abundant life You have planned for us. Holy Spirit, please remind me and adjust me when I start looking anywhere else but to the cross! In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Yeah, well, you're not so much a storyteller, either, sweetheart. Case in point: the above paragraph. We'd say you're more of a Preacher/Android. Which makes us Tired/Suicidal. Seriously. We'd rather be watching Nip/Tuck.

James 1:14-17 – “But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shallow due to change.” I needed to be reminded that we are more prone to sin when we aren’t satisfied with what God has given us or provided or promised us. We think there is something more or better or sooner, even, and so we go after that. We are drawn away by our own desires and this usually leads us to sin, rather than be content and believe that God gives every good and perfect gift and trust Him that not only is that enough but it really is also the best.

The Father of lights?!?! We lurv him! He once came over and saw our wet bar setup and told us we had the absolutely wrong lamp system in place. He then went back to his shop on the Bowery and brought us a whole new track lighting system for over the bar area. We've since stopped mixing brandy and vermouth. Well, accidentally. And, just like the Bible said, the gift comes from above!

(Sorry, we totally were watching Puppy Bowl III when we wrote the above. We realize it's not Funny/Coherent.)

Matthew 24:12 – “And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold.” – Although, there are many excellent shows on television that appear acceptable for me, as a Christ-follower, to watch, I need to be more prayerfully discerning. I love the show, “24,” but I’m concerned about the effect the violence may have on my heart. Because we see so much violence on TV and hear about so much of it on the nightly news, it no longer touches us like it should. We become detached from the fact that these bad things are happening to people! God’s children! We should be broken-hearted.

Lisa loves namechecking that 24, doesn't she? Here's the thing, Lisa. And please allow us to get serious for a moment, if we may. The reason we as a country are detached from violence is because we're NOT allowed to see violence on TV. No, we're not talking about 24, silly! That's a TV show with fake violence. Those of us who are connected to reality can discern TV/movie violence from actual violence. We love violent entertainment, Lisa, but it doesn't really have any bearing on how we act toward our Friends/Family.

No, the reason we're so detached from the terrible things happening in the world, Lisa, is because the real-life violence is censored. When was the last time you saw footage on the nightly news of a soldier in Iraq getting blown to smithereens by a homemade mine? Or a family of Shiites wandering a debris-filled road because their house has been bombed? Or when was the last time you saw footage of a planeload of American coffins coming back from the Middle East? We should absolutely be broken-hearted, Lisa, but we're not largely because of the actions of the government you voted for and the press that kowtows to its demands. And that's the truth. Put that in your Bible and smoke it, girlfriend.

OK. Sorry. We're totes done being serious now. Scout's honor. It's just that we get really fucking tired of people making the completely unjustifiable argument that fake violence has negative effects on our, you know, hearts. Matthew 2:5.

2 Chronicles 7:1 – “As soon as Solomon finished his prayer, fire came down from heaven and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices, and the glory of the Lord filled the temple.” – When they dedicated the temple they offered thousands of sacrifices and then the glory, the presence, filled the temple. When we offer the sacrifice of praise, the glorious presence of the Lord invades my heart and life. I didn’t make up that connection. Hebrews 13:15 says, “Through Him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge His name.” It is a sacrifice to praise, to lay down my busy schedule, my “feelings,” my inhibitions to offer praise. And I should offer Him my best, the beginning of my day and my first response to every situation, just like Solomon offered the best animals, not the mamed or lame. The reward is the glorious presence of God, for goodness sakes. Why do I hesitate for even a minute?

What's she talking about, hesitate? As far as we've seen, Lisa isn't the slightest bit hesitant to call on god whenever she needs, like, anything. Well, for herself. If she had made that important distinction here, we might be a little more swayed by her frustration. But, as it is, we're so Not/Biting.

Luke 6:45 – “The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.” – I feel so badly for what I said to Steve. Why do I always say things that I know I’ll regret later? My problem is, I can be “good” for months and not blurt out what I’m thinking, only to, in a moment of weakness, eventually say it. At that point, what was good in even having self-control for any length of time. The damage was done, only later. Perhaps, it all goes back to “thinking.” I must start by being more careful with the thoughts I’m thinking, knowing that eventually they’ll come out of my mouth. With that in mind, when I catch myself thinking thoughts that I know I would regret if they ever came out in the open, or if I ever said them out loud, I need to do business with them right then until they don’t come back again. I need to repent, nail them to the cross and bring resurrection life through Scriptures that are filled with life.

Hmmm. Wonder what she said to Steve. It must have been something pretty bad 'cause we haven't seen Daddy very much recently. There was the Christmas food scavenger mall hunt spectacular, of course, but that seemed pretty mandatory. Here's something: Does publicly repenting for something that happened more than half a year ago count when your method of apology is, ultimately, a blog? (Oh, we are so totally sending that question in to The View as a Hot Topic.)

Proverbs 27:7 – “A satisfied soul loathes the honeycomb, but to a hungry soul every bitter thing is sweet.” This verse defines the answer I’m so often asked in interviews, “How come your life turned out so differently than the typical child star?” I believe it is because the emptiness in my soul was filled with Jesus, I was not enticed by the sweet things the world had to offer. But to someone without Christ, they will often consume bitter things just to temporarily stave off the gnawing ache of emptiness. I’m so grateful for God’s grace to fill my heart so completely from the time I was a little girl.

Wait. And sorry for all the questions, but this whole "Reflecting on 2006" business is not really making anything clear. How exactly, pray tell, did Lisa turn out differently than a typical child star? She actually fits the former child star mold quite well, wethinks. She has an unstable family, she's basically poor, and she doesn't act unless the show that made her a star has a reunion. And, like most former child stars, she's completely detached from reality. And that's not some kind of snarky accusation. It's just a fact of her life.

Well, it looks like we are going to need one last journal entry to wrap up 2006. Doesn’t it just blow your mind that the Ancient of Days wants to speak to us so personally through His eternal Word today?!

You know what blows our mind, woman? That we're gonna have another week of this. That's what blows our mind. Sheesh.

Well, enjoy the sub-Arctic weather, y'all. And stay out of Trouble/Jews.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

All because of "All Because of You."


We did it.

It took three weeks and was utterly excruciating, but we did it.

We listened to every track off All Because of You. To be truthful, it was slow going and rough. Really rough. But now, so you don't have to experience what we experienced, here's a brief description of every song on Lisa Whelchel's 1984 opus, All Because of You.

1. Love Believer
The music here is basically just a synth-pop variation on Elton John's "Saturday Night's Alright (for Fighting)." The words are about, go figure, god wanting you to be a love believer and a love receiver. We don't know about the love believer part, but 8th Avenue between 14th and 23rd Streets here in NYC has the love receiver part pretty well taken care of. Hi-oh!

2. Just Obey
Dare we say this song is a mixture of Joe Jackson's "Steppin' Out" and Flashdance? The music is a mere foundation for Lisa to yell at you to OBEY (much like another Whelchclamation, "Shackles!")! She doesn't seem to understand that the best way to get someone to do something is to ask nicely. Though we now understand much more clearly why Donut Cauble pees in the kitchen.

3. How High, How Deep, How Wide
Unfortunately it's a ballad and sounds nothing like the classic, "River Deep, Mountain High." And unfortunately the lyrics are not finessed enough to make you think of anything but Lisa wanting to have sex with god. Sorry.

4. Real Possibility
Wow. This one's a blatant "What a Fool Believes" ripoff by way of Xanadu-era ELO. Meaning, we love it! Well, not love it. Like it better than the others thus far. Until, of course, Lisa begins to sing. Well, not sing. Squawk. Anyway, it's a real possibility that if you are listening along with us, this is the point where you seriously begin to consider suicide.

5. Good Girl
We're assuming this was the record's homicide bomb of a single, if, indeed, a single was thrust upon the unprepared world. It doesn't directly mention god or Jesus (at least not as far as we can tell which is about *this* far), but it does address why being a spoiled brat is unholy. Or something like that. We kind of tune out of any song that has "She is a game of Chutes and Ladders" as a lyric. However, there is a killer guitar solo in the middle. And, by "killer," we mean...never mind.

6. Shelter
Oh, come AWN. You can slow this shit down as much as you want, Lisa, but, to paraphrase old Gertie Stein, Shannon's "Let the Music Play" is Shannon's "Let the Music Play" is Shannon's "Let the Music Play." In this case, however, let the music stop.

OK, we're now gonna impose a trick we learned from commenting on the Coffee Talk entries: we're gonna skip to the end. Don't worry—we listened to all the tracks on this opus. We'd never lie to you. But there's a moment when, like every interview with Eva Longoria, it all begins to sound like a dull drone. For us that happened at track 2. We stuck it out through track 6 all because of you! And now we're jumping ahead to track 9, as if tracks 7 and 8 never happened. Which, basically, they didn't.

9. All Because of You
Alas, the title track! This ditty sounds like Spyro Gyra beat Carole Bayer Sager up and blamed Dionne Warwick. And we're the ones with the bruises. And do we really need to explain what the lyrics mean? Good, 'cause we really didn't listen to them. All apologies, sweet, sweet flute.

10. He Sings Me to Sleep
And it's over! How apt that Lisa ends her exercise in sleep induction with a lullaby. Well, it looks like a lullaby. And it sounds like a lullaby. That is, until the synth bursts in like our cousin Jeanette at a buffet. And then we're knee-deep in one last bombastic and creepy Lisa-wanting-to-sleep-with-god number. Can someone be sued for deity abuse?

Well, praise Jesus, we made it to the end, and we're still alive! Now excuse us as we go drink us to sanity.