Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Our Lady of Perpetual Silence.

Thank you for voting in the poll below! Right now we have a whopping 150ish votes, which means this site is nearly as popular as cervical cancer! We totally appreciate it.

Unfortunately (but unsurprisingly) La Whelchel has not updated her site yet this week. She continues to be a very disappointing "Coffee Talk"-er. We are going out of town until Sunday, so should Lisa decide to grace us with an update this week, we probably won't be able to bring you a corresponding CTC. Unless, of course, it's about the divorce, which is our poll's most popular reason for Lisa's transgressions. Then, we'll, you know, figure something out.

So, we apologize for Lisa's transgressions causing our transgression. As you can see from that sentence, it's not our fault.

Have a good week. We hope to have some coffee and some talk soon.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Just asking.

To make up for this week's lack of a substantial Companion, we thought it would be fun (well, relatively speaking) to have some audience participation. Alas, please enjoy the poll below. It's the first time we've ever posted a poll to this site! And probably the last! So, take the good, take the bad and vote!

Why has Lisa been a bad "Coffee Talk"-er?
Impending divorce
Keeps locking herself in prayer closet
Busy ruining more bike trips
Constantly having to change Donut's diaper
Following Kim Fields around to surprise her EVERYWHERE
Stormie Omartian
Other reason inconveniently not mentioned here
pollcode.com free polls

Monday, March 19, 2007

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Picked Her Pages"

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

We are offended. Nay, we are mightily offended. Lisa has the nerve to a.) not write a "Coffee Talk" entry for the butrillionth time this year and b.) instead, link to her favorite blogs without including c.) this one. If we were to list our favorite sites, we'd certainly include Lisa's.

Ergo, because we're forgiving, even after today's affront we still consider her site one of our favorites. It's really the Christian thing to do. Another Christian thing to do is to boycott something for not adhering to the rules of a book of fables. Alas, we found a coloring book for ESL students that includes a page devoted to a turtle ignoring a llama for not giving him a cake. He's mad because the turtle gave the triceratops a cake. So, as taught by that book, Lisa, we ignore you this week! Well, almost. We certainly wait with bated breath for the resolution of this cliffhanger:

(I will be writing a more thorough explanation of why I’ve been such a terribly unreliable “Coffee Talker” in an upcoming journal entry.)

Like the fairy says to the kitten and the robot on page 12, "This better be good."

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Scrap Heap."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

So, after two days of this nonsense...

This Weeks Journal Entry

This weeks Journal Entry will be postd Monday Morning!

Please check back.



...we (on Tuesday afternoon, mind you) get this nonsense...

New Scrapbook Pages

Instead of writing a journal entry this week, I used the time to scan some new scrapbook pages for the website. So, this week’s Coffee Talk is in pictures. Hey, they say a picture is worth a thousand words, right? I hope you enjoy the stroll with me down memory lane. This was what my life looked like in 1996!

1996 Cauble Family Scrapbook Album – click here

Instead of writing a journal entry this week, I used the time to scan some new scrapbook pages for the website. So, this week’s Coffee Talk is in pictures. Hey, they say a picture is worth a thousand words, right? I hope you enjoy the stroll with me down memory lane. This was what my life looked like in 1996!

1996 Cauble Family Scrapbook Album – click here

...and, yes, we're aware that the above appears twice. No, it's not our mistake. It's hers. Our mistake was, yet again, visiting lisawhelchel.com.

Now, could Lisa be crafty enough to be posting her real Coffee Talk entries somewhere else and using the original Coffee Talk page as a decoy? Is she trying to take down the Companion? Could she be? Would she dare?

After careful 2-second deliberation, we feel, by virtue of Occam's Razor, that of course she's not crafty enough to be using her site to mislead us. The only crafty she possesses is the box of crap used to make the 1996 scrapbook pages she so thoughtlessly hurls at us this week. Look, we're entirely capable of taking each photo and commenting on it, but a.) there are way too many and b.) we're totes hungover. Oh, and c.) they're from fucking 1996.

Anyway, we start, like any Whelchel-worthy book, with creation...

...and we'll continue by picking and choosing which subsequent pages we feature. Clearly we're going to continue with those including Casey. For those of you newer readers who might not know who Casey is, he is Lisa's totally hot stepbrother, who is now, in our post-9/11 world, called Justice. You see, folks, 1996 was a more innocent time...

We're sure Somebunny would agree. And, yeah, we tried to read whatever it says in that pink and purple box, but we couldn't really make it out. Of course, we only tried for about .523 second and without our glasses, but we're sure it's absolutely as infuriating as making an "o" out of a heart.

And als...wait, what's that noise? Why, it sounds like 75, no, 76 trombones! Ah, yes! It is! And with it comes the world's littlest Harold Hill...

Why, yes, ya got trouble! Right here in middle Texas! With a capital "T" that rhymes with "G" and that stands for "gay"!

In all seriousness, folks, we're kind of wondering if those costumes are still around 'cause they'd, like, totally fit us, and we quite like the striped blazer. Speaking of costumes...

And we're accused of hating America. Sheesh.

Speaking of costumes...

Some mommy was busy making clothes for picture day! Jesus. It looks like Clancy just got off the special ed Mayflower. And, forget whatever it is that Haven's dressed as, the kid looks like she has more teeth than Predator.

Now, this page, we're told, is from Halloween...

...but, because of the school picture outfits, we're kind of inclined to believe this is just another day.

Oooh. Trip time!

'Cause if our mom were a former actress on a pretty major sitcom, the first place we'd want to go when we visited L.A. would certainly be the county fair. Seriously, people. It's not even, like, Disneyland or a state fair. It's a county fair. In L.A. That's honestly the second saddest thing we've ever heard. What's the first, you ask? This.

Well, at least after visiting the county fair in one of the biggest, most cosmopolitan cities in America, there was Christmas!

And look what Haven and Clancy got...

No, not bikes, silly. HELMETS! Bah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha. That's almost worse than this.

Ah, Christmas. All that egg nog and candy can surely do a number on your teeth! (Sorry—we're clearly running out of ideas for segues.)

We will say that we are quite jealous of the Cauble children having Doug Henning as their dentist. We loved magic when we were little, and going to the dentist would have actually been tolerable if we'd had a Broadway-starring magician working on our pearly whites!

On that note, if you're as terribly bored as we are right now, here's a diversion. We found it whilst searching for the above link. It's the incomparable Chita Rivera doing her big number from Merlin on Merv Griffin (does it get gayer than that?), a number so mind-numbingly awful that you're liable to actually be boreder than you were two seconds ago. So, er, sorry. At least it has nothing to do with Whelchel, right?

Did you survive that? Well, if you're still reading this, you did. Or you shut it off three seconds into it. Either way...

We end with this page:

Picture it. Somewhere in Texas. 1996. The house is finished, and daddy is getting it all gussied up for Christmas. Specifically, he's hanging Christmas lights from the new roof. Who could have predicted that an act so full of love and devotion, so wrought with joy and cheer, would, four short years later, go down in history not as a mere page in the 2000 scrapbook, but as an entire section?

We bet daddy wished he could have.

Thanks for tuning in, lovers. May the rest of your week be as scrapbook-worthy as a visit to the county fair.

Monday, March 05, 2007

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Manual Labor."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

This week, Lisa tells us she's going to write a book called The Busy Teacher's Guide to Prayer. Now, before you get all "What is she doing writing a teacher's book?!", allow her to do it for you. Which is what makes this week's Coffee Talk, even in its merciful brevity, perhaps the most puzzling one so far. Why would someone who's not a teacher, yet who has home-schooled her three children, doubt herself when it comes to writing a book from a teacher's perspective? YET, why wouldn't she? Do you see the paradox? Lisa is correct that she's not a teacher, yet, because she was responsible for the homeschooling of her children, she kind of is a teacher. So, basically what we want to know is why exactly should we loathe her this week? Because she's not a teacher but insists on writing a book for teachers? Or, because she is a teacher but insists that she's not, thus absolving herself from all the damage done to her children?

Oh, wait! We know. We should loathe her most this week because she asks us to write the book for her. Now that's more like it!

Calling all Teacher friends! I am writing a new book entitled, “The Busy Teacher’s Guide to Prayer.” Yea, I know, what am I doing writing a teacher’s book? Good question! I’ve asked myself the same thing. I don’t know if you are very familiar with my other two books in this series, “The Busy Mom’s and The Busy Grandma’s Guide to Prayer.” The basic premise is taking 120 prayer focuses in six different categories in order to pray for six things each weekday for a month.

Off the top of my head, not being a teacher or having any idea what a teacher needs prayer for, these are the six categories and examples of prayer focuses I’ve come up with so far.

Teacher (eg; Patience, Wisdom, Creativity…)
Students (eg; Desire to Learn, Focus, Confidence, etc…)
School (eg; School Board, Finances, Safety, etc…)
Faculty (eg; Fellow Teachers, Principal, Teacher Aids, etc…)
Department of Education (Funding, Textbooks, Laws, etc…)
Other Learning Opportunities (Homeschoolers, Private Schools, Field Trips, etc…)

This is where I need your help. Can you think of any other categories that would have 20 individual things to pray for under it? Within these categories I’ve listed can you help me come up with at least 20 prayer focuses?

I’m going to start writing this book next week so if you have any time between now and then to be thinking about this and get back to me I would really appreciate it! You can use the email form on this website by clicking the link below. I’m not being humble when I say I can not do this without you and my other teacher friends!

P.S. Please forward this link to as many teachers as you think might be interested in helping. Thanks.

P.S.S. I’ve already received enough responses to learn that “Parents” needs to be a category all by itself. So, I will definitely add that. Please send as many prayer focuses for each category as you can think of. Thanks again!

Ah, so this book is going to help the country's educational crisis by having us pray. For educational funding. You know, and pardon us for getting serious here for a moment, but this weekend we watched the only 2006 movie scarier than The Descent, Jesus Camp. It really made clear to us that a fringe group, in this case so-called born-agains, is running the country. Like, running it. Not kind of running it. Totally running it. Their leader is the president of the world's most powerful country! Now, excuse us for being simplistic, but, like, isn't that enough??? Do we need to pray for more??? They have their white god with blond hair, they have their war, they have their "intelligent design," they have their Pledge of Allegiance, they have the Supreme Court. That's pretty impressive! Especially for a fringe group!

And then we had a li'l revelation.

Thank god prayer doesn't do anything, 'cause if it did, we'd really be fucked.

See you next week.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

He is the knee-bend of my salvation.

Here's a midweek treat for you! Well, it's a treat if you consider a treat being the opposite of a treat. It's a workout video our Lisa participated in in 1988 with her friend, BN favorite Stormie Omartian. What's she-who-gained-10-pounds-last-year doing in a workout video? you may ask. Well, we could tell you it's because at one time Lisa cared about her appearance, but that would downplay what we feel is the actual reason: the music. Oh, yes—these ladies (including Debby Boone and, glory be, Charlene Tilton) are sweatin' to the Christys. For real.

Alas, let this be exhibit 1,523,654 that Jesus can make Lisa do anything. Even work out.

For more of this Divine madness, click here. If you've had enough, click here.