The Coffee Talk Companion: "The Lazy Ways of Summer."

Wethinks the Whelchel is messing with us. Much like last week, this week Lisa elected not to write a proper journal entry. Instead, she posted lyrics to a song written by her friends in honor of their annual California vacation. So lazy!



(Question: does God take morning devotions seriously when done on patio furniture and in close proximity to a tube of sunscreen?)

The good news? The song is a gem. AND there are oodles of photos. We'll give Lisa one more week to redeem herself. For now, let's begin, shall we?

The post is entitled "LifeNet Vacation" which leads us to believe this annual vacation is called LifeNet Vacation. It's already vaguely Christ-y and we haven't gotten to the body of the text! Ah, the passion of the Whelchel. We'll let her explain what's about to happen:

This week’s journal entry would be so much better served as a scrapbook layout.

We're 147% sure that's already in the works. Sorry...

The pictures really do tell the better story. If you’ve been joining me for these weekly “cups of coffee” for any length of time then you know that every summer we meet at Mandalay Beach in California with four other families to vacation. This has been a tradition for over ten years. And this tradition is full of traditions! It is so funny to see the kids, no matter how old and cool they get, cling to each and every tradition, unwilling to forsake even the smallest one.

This year, our friends, the Steadmans, wrote a special song to celebrate another year of making lifelong memories with lifetime friends. They pretty much summed it all up in this little diddy, so I’m simply going to post the song with tons of pictures for accompaniment.

Too bad we won't get piano accompaniment. We'd LOVES to hear how this song goes. You know, we're going to write our own music and have the song for you in the next The Blair Necessities podcast*. Awesome.

Oh, and from here on, the Steadmans will be referred to as the "Steadmen."

So, here's the Steadmen's vacation-themed ditty, entitled, as any good song about going somewhere where no one can tell you what to do should be, "Everybody Ought to Know."

Everybody Ought to Know

(Chorus)
Everybody ought to know
Everybody ought to know
Everybody ought to know
How Lifenet began

(repeat)

Are we sure Lisa didn't write this—it's so bossy! And we're so glad we know this is the chorus and that we're supposed to repeat it. Seriously, "(repeat)" is killing us.

Here's one of the pics that follows the chorus.



We're going to repeat.



We're not surprised at the amount of white clothing being featured at something called a LifeNet Vacation. But we are concerned about the amount of black clothing. Our only explanation is that it's all navy blue.

Verse One
Steadmans hosted on Sundays
Clarks and Mullens, Caubles too
Babes would nap and parents prayed
Then we all ate potluck food

OOOOOOH—how we HATE slant rhyme. Hate, hate, hate. Especially with a word as easy to rhyme as "too." Watch and learn, Steadmen:

Verse One
Steadmans hosted on Sundays
Clarks and Mullens, Caubles too
Babes would nap and parents prayed
Then we all went to the zoo

So what if it's not true? It's all about the rhyme. Especially as the two photos that follow this verse are of a cake...



and Lisa and her friends at a...wait for it...Starbucks.



No visual evidence of naps, potluck, babes, etc.. Clearly accuracy is not an issue.



Clearly.

Verse one, continued:

Church then can-celled our Lifenet
Mullens planned a trip to Man-da-lay
Clarks and Stead-mans joined them
Thus began our annual “Play”

Was there a "Get $1,000 Every Time You Hit the Hyphen Key" contest going on during the typing of this verse? Jesus. (Yes, we realize that's the most labored "joke" we've ever made. We had a rough weekend. Someone stole our latest Cat Fancy.)



Speaking of Jesus, did the Steadmen themselves take a separate fucking car? Jesus!

Second verse, same as the first: terrible.

Verse Two
Caubles joined the second year
Jove’s joined along the way
Mullens, Caubles moved to Texas
Now we’re spread out everywhere

Apparently even slant rhyming was too difficult, so rhyming was forsaken all together. Unless "everywhere" in Texas is pronounced "every-hay," which it may be. The only time we've been to Texas we covered our ears. And eyes.

Oh, look! It's daddy!



Phew. Safe on the ground. And looking as 37 78 55 as ever.

San Diego & Hawaii
Celebrating ten great years
Boardwalk, beach, and dinner picnics
We look forward to all year

Apparently even writing four lines was too difficult, so a three-line stanza was instituted. No wonder Lisa is friends with the Steadmen—it's a giant consortium of laziness. At this point we're going to have to renege on our promise to create music for this song. It would be an impossible task. No worries—we've already faxed it to space Bjork.

And yes, we realize we're not talking about anything actually contained in the verses, but we're also respectful enough to realize you're not retarded. Instead, enjoy Our Handsome Honey Tucker in a tank-top:



(Just so you know, Casey...shit...Justice was not present.)

Verse Three
Mandalay is where we’ll be
This is sure the life for me
Surf’en – Swim’en– pool and fun
Twenty-three kids on the run

We'll be here for hours if we began to talk about whatever's go'en on in this verse. We'll just say that even though we're back to four lines and a rhyme scheme was reinstituted (albeit a rhyme scheme inconsistent with the initial rhyme scheme), it's beginning to become clear that each verse is basically just a repetition of the lack of information in previous verses. Which makes us wonder if the Steadmen are smarter than we think—playing around with structure to distract us from the fact that they are telling us nothing whatsoever.

Nah, they're just lazy. Like Lisa. Lazy Lisa.



OK. It's fine to wear the tablecloth every so often. Lord knows we've done it after a long night of body shots off Lance Bass. But there comes a day when it's no longer appropriate to don the blouse Clancy made for you when she was four. Just say'en.

Carrying on...

Capistranos - Happy Hour
Twinkle Time and Parent Night
Flashlight hunts and Sunset Meals
More Somores & Sleepen’ overs

We'll just go ahead and assume this is the title of Fiona Apple's newest record and be done with it.

The next 4 million verses are just lists of names of the people who attended (no mention is made if it's voluntary or not) this LifeNet gathering. We'll just list our favorite names:

Statia

Fine. Favorite. It's unclear in the pics which one is Statia, unfortunately. We're guessing she's always the one standing still. (Sorry. GIVE US BACK OUR CAT FANCY!)

Lisa does provide us with these two photos:





We can't decide what we love more, Lisa's "funny" face or the helpful captions. Hmmm.

OK. We decided. It's the homoeroticism.

Verse Six
I’m in Lifenet – how ‘bout you?
Do you do the things we do?
We sang our song and took you through
Now you know this Lifenet too

No, we're not in LifeNet. Our invitiation must've gotten lost in the mail. Thanks for rubbing it in, Steadmen. Let's just say, Steadmen, not to expect to be mentioned in the song about our upcoming 52-week-long VodkaNet.

Now this song will finally end

Thanks god.

Now just join in with a friend
Everybody ought to know (repeat)
How our Life-net began
(how our Life-net began)!

We're pretty sure we've alienated all our friends thanks to this post, so, unfortunately, we won't be joining in with a friend. There is one photo, however, that nicely sums up how we feel about knowing how LifeNet began:



OK, Lisa, you have one more week to prove to us you're still in this for the long haul. No more linking to other blogs. No more songs by Steadmen. We want the real stuff, lady. Otherwise, we're letting loose the dogs of summer...



You take too much of the good, you're gonna have to take a little of the bad...

Have a good week.

*Obviously we're kidding. Isn't it enough we spent 17 years of our life learning to play the piano? We don't have any capacity left for learning how to create a podcast. That said, if someone would like to set one up for us, we'll be happy to participate.

Lisa on...Ungratefulness.

Today's post deals with a topic we're all familiar with because we all have parents. It's "ungratefulness." Let's see what's going on. The letter to Lisa is in boldface, while her answer is in italics. Our completely hilarious and surprisingly well crafted commentary is in regular typeface.



Recently I spent an entire day treating my six-year-old son to a trip to the museum, the park, and the ice-cream shop. When we stopped to purchase a Christmas present for my nephew, my son demanded I buy him a new toy. When I refused, he threw a tantrum! For all I did for him, I got complaints. How do I teach him to be more grateful?

I don’t have an easy answer to this question.

We're beginning to sense a pattern with these.

When I was young, my parents would answer my whining with, “I’m sorry, honey, but we just can’t afford it.” I knew that was true and a temper tantrum wouldn’t change anything.

Lisa was the perfect child, of course. But what about...

?

BAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

These days most families can afford little luxuries. Our children see us buying wants instead of needs, and they want a piece of the pie.

Or do they need a piece of the pie, Lisa?

Our kids get so much they begin to expect it. Then the one time we don’t give something to them, they get angry because they feel it’s their right to have it.

"Our kids get so much they begin to expect it" is a relative statement. Wouldn't you say so, Leese? It's really only true if the parent or parents is giving the kid so much. If the parent has established guidelines (like, No you can't watch TV until your homework is done, or, No, you can't pray to Jesus until you finish your apostle-shaped pancakes), then the kid is going to realize what boundaries are and probably not throw a tantrum when he/she does not get what he/she wants. Children like boundaries. It gives them a sense of security and structure. Unless, of course, the child is mentally unstable. In which case he/she should be taken to a national park and left at a scenic overlook.

In the long run, it may be more loving to tell your child “no” even when it’s within your power to say “yes.”

Duh. See above.

Here’s a silly, personal example.

Yay! Silly!

When I had toddlers, we rarely bought Happy Meals, but not because we were health-conscious or because we didn’t want to be caught in the drive-thru lane.

Just to note: "Happy Meals" and "drive-thru" in one sentence. Like manna from heaven.

Instead, I bought them each a hamburger, and they split an order of fries and a soft drink. It was plenty for my toddlers, and they didn’t complain.

Of course they didn't. They were eating a carefully researched combination of chemicals and fat. Perfect for toddlers, by the way.

So on the special occasions when they did get the “whole enchilada,” complete with toy (at the fast-food Mexican restaurants, of course!)...

Of course.

...they were extremely grateful. Their gratitude was an automatic response to getting something they didn’t expect.

It’s difficult to say “no” to our children when we love them so much and enjoy pleasing them. But stick to your guns. Perhaps it boils down to telling your child “no” more often.

Yes, and also feed them more than fast food. Eh. Too late. Tucker, come to NYC. We'll introduce you to food that takes longer than the red light turning to the green light to cook. As you for you, Lisa, why not just say to this woman: "Look, if you take a six-year-old to the park, the museum and the ice cream shop and then ultimately buy his cousin a gift when it's clear that the son deserves a gift for spending the entire day with someone pathetic enough to write me a letter to ask for a solution to what's really a very simple problem, of course he's going to pitch a fit. Come on."?

When Daddy Fell Off the Roof.

To compensate for Lisa's transgressions this week (see previous post), we decided to go snooping around her site for something else to discuss. We found it!

Please enjoy this series from Lisa's scrapbook from 2000:



Needless to say, "When Daddy Fell Off the Roof" had us falling off our chair. And we're guessing the posting of this little scrapbook series is what may have caused daddy to ask mommy not to include him in any of her subsequent journal entries.

Ergo, the captions on these pages are quite hard to read, but we're going to try to piece the events together for you. You're welcome.

The above page features the reason for daddy falling off the roof: Christmas lights. One would imagine that this would be enough for Lisa to realize how dangerous being a Christian can be. Alas, no. We come to find out that Lisa was actually at a...wait for it...scrapbooking retreat when this happened (how very meta!). She rushed home and managed to snap these pics as daddy was on the ground and being treated by what looks like the entire state of Texas's fire and medical teams. In true Whelchel fashion, Lisa saw this as an opportunity for future scrapbooking glory rather than (correctly) as the impetus to renounce Christianity. She even let the poor kids watch. The upside of all this, however, is that we get a few more pages of daddy-falling-off-the-roof-related scrapbook. Hallelujah!



Sorry. We are honestly totally LOL-ing right now. Daddy in the hospital bed and the broken-heart-with-Band-Aid sticker are too much.

OK. Above those photos appears to be some kind of poem. Thankfully we can't read it. All we can make out is "(Thank you, Jesus)." Perhaps the parenthesizing of this phrase illustrates a bit of doubt in Lisa's mind regarding Jesus? Perhaps this is evidence of her realizing that Jesus was to blame for daddy's terrible fall? Could Lisa have had a tiny chink in her armor? (Come on, people, stop making "tiny chink" jokes in your heads. That's our job!) Surely if we could read the rest of the poem, we might have some better clue. Eh, we'll just blame Lisa for not making the poem big enough and call it a draw.



First of all, let us discuss the sticker in the top right corner of this page. Is it a baby turkey? A giant underdeveloped hand? Basket Case? It's kind of upsetting, whatever it is. Though not as upsetting as the photos on this page. What we've gleaned from them is that daddy broke a leg and an arm in the fall. Oy. Still, daddy seems in good spirits throughout the ordeal. Clearly Lisa had not yet begun her Web site—you know, the one where she would eventually put her entire life on display for the world. We don't think daddy would have been smiling nearly as much had he known "When Daddy Fell Off the Roof" would become a freely traded commodity. We are, however, glad he did get to work as the hospital sportscaster, as evidenced by the page's last photo.



Wow. We love our eyes. They work just long enough to allow us to read phrases like, oh, this one:

"Tucker celebrated his tenth birthday in the hospital cafeteria."

It's so interesting to see the pieces all fit together. Like what Star Wars could have been if George Lucas had allowed a homeschool advocate to write it.

The rest we won't can't make out. Looks like flowers and daddy's eventual transition from stationary Steve to scootin' Steve. Good for him.



BLARGH!!!!!!!! Lisa, come on! Poor daddy surely does not want the whole world looking at him taking a sit-down shower and with two different-sized legs! The Jazzy pic's humiliating enough. You know, the fact that mommy and daddy are still married after mommy posted these pics on the Web really shows us firsthand how born-agains feel about divorce.

Also, why does daddy look 30 in some pics and 70 in others?



This is the final page, and none too soon! What started out as a hilarious diversion for us kind of became, well, shiver-inducing. We are happy to see that Lisa saw fit to include a pic of Martha Graham in the top left corner of this final page. There's really no better a symbol of free movement than the grande dame of modern dance. Of course, the moment daddy got home, mommy had him organizing crap for one of her Foursquare conventions. Jeez, Lisa, weren't you aware of what happened? You made it sort of clear for us. Daddy was putting up lights for Christ when he fell and broke an arm and a leg. He stayed in the hospital long enough for your son to have to celebrate his birthday there. Then he was in a wheelchair and a Jazzy, not to mention two casts. And, yet, when he comes home, you have him right back serving Christ, the man who caused the fall off the roof in the first place.

We know you're forgiving, Lisa, but did you learn nothing from the day...
?

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Overlooking the Necessities."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Folks, we have some disturbing news. Well, Lisa has some disturbing news. We're just the messenger...

I am, right this minute, sitting outside my hotel room, overlooking the ocean – in a sweatshirt! – and it is 70-something degrees. Yes, feel free to hate me for a moment. We are on our annual Five-Family-Vacation in California. There are 10 adults, 14 teenagers, 9 kids and one baby. I’ll write and tell you all about it next week but I’ve chosen to actually take a vacation this week so I’m going to pick up the book I’m reading again instead of writing a journal entry.

No, the disturbing news isn't that apparently the ocean is wearing a sweatshirt. It's that Lisa's on vacation this week. And for that, we do, in fact, feel free to hate her for a moment.

Don’t despair, I’m posting one of my friend, Sarah’s latest blogs.

Oh, Jesus. (We're talking about the commas.)

BTW, this sweet little blog has been nominated for a “Blogs of Beauty” award in the Motherhood category. I’ll keep you posted on how you can cast your vote for her honest and delightful, “In The Midst of It” blog as soon as I get all of the details.

Oh, Jesus. (We're talking about the comma again, BTW. And, OK, the fact that Lisa gives us no context for whatever award she's talking about.)

After you’ve read this entry, if you can sneak a few more minutes on the computer, surf on over to Sarah’s official blog site at

http://www.inthemidstofit.blogspot.com/

Oops, I better hurry up and read a couple more chapters before my afternoon nap.

Blessings,
Lisa

Well, if there's one thing Lisa's taught us, it's to fight hellfire with hellfire. So let us waste no time in pointing out to dear Lisa that laziness, is, in fact, one of the seven deadly sins. Proverbs 6 deals with it in detail. Allow us, if you will, to quote from said verse:

How long, you sluggard, will you lie there? When will you rise from your sleep? —Proverbs 6:6

We telexed this excerpt to a Biblical expert at Oral Roberts University to understand its true meaning. The response we received was this:

Dear sir,

Thank you for your interest in Oral Roberts University. Please visit www.oru.edu for a complete overview of the university including admissions information. We look forward to hearing from you soon.



It's not the interpretation we expected, so we'll go ahead and try to spell it out for you. In this case, Proverbs 6:6 seems to say, "Lisa, you lazy fool, when are you planning to wake up to write a new Coffee Talk entry? God's kinda bored. And so are we. And where's Casey? Sorry...

? BAH HA HA HA HA HA!"

See? The Bible's mad, Lisa. It doesn't want you to nap. It wants you to wake up and work. It called you a sluggard. Are you a sluggard, Lisa? Well? Is this the example you want to set for your kids and for us? Because if it is, 1.) you should be deeply ashamed of your willing slovenliness and 2.) sorry, we already have such a role model:



Lisa, step away from the ocean, and get to work. NOW.

Anyhoots, do us a huge favor, people—don't visit Sarah's blog. It has flowers on it and this sentence: "We're meeting with the heart surgeon to schedule our daughter's open-heart surgery." Instead, use this time to reflect on the choices Lisa's made, mostly to use the Bible when it suits her and to ignore it when it doesn't.

To make up for Lisa's sluggardness, we're preparing another post. See, we'd never lapse in our devotion to marginally entertain you. We think Lisa could learn a valuable lesson from us here. Right now we have five real jobs, yet we still have the time to post. She has one fake job and feels the need to take some time off from a WEEKLY post. Pshame. God, we hope you're paying attention to this oversight and will act accordingly.

Lisa's July E-letter.

We received Lisa's exclusive July e-letter yesterday. Here's her main message in one delicious bite:

I love summer! I love the opportunities it brings. Camps, long, lazy days, family vacations, and afternoons for cleaning out the garage and closets. Summer is the busiest time and the slowest time of the year for our family. I like that. My children have attended quite a few different church camps this summer, either as campers or counselors. While they are busy, I've been busy writing my new Scrapbook Bible Study. Then there are days when we all sleep in, scrounge around in the fridge for food, tackle a summer project and then lay around on the Lazyboy couch watching the last season of "24" together. (All indoors, of course, since it is July in Texas!) I sure hope you are finding a handful of days to get those summer projects finished and even more days doing absolutely nothing.



We love summer, too, Lisa. More, we love this letter. Following Lisa's lead of keeping it simple, we'll tell you why:

1.) More with the children going to camps, camps, camps. Frankly, she's beginning to sound a little like Hitler to us. Kidding! Sheesh. We know Lisa loves her kids.

2.) Scrapbook Bible Study. Only Lisa Whelchel can so successfully put three of our least favorite words together to form one giant-mega-super word bomb. It is truly astonishing.

3.) Lazyboy. Cheers for the very Whelchelistic brand-name mention. Jeers for the misspelling. Lisa, if you can spell "Chick-fil-A," we expect you to know how to spell "La-Z-Boy."

4.) 24????? That's a violent show, Lisa. Nothing like what we'd expect you to be showing the kids. You know, there was this one show back in the '80s. It had this theme song that began "You take the good, you take the bad..." We think that would be a much more appropriate show for children. We watched that show, and look at us! Gay, atheistic and 5'4". Quite the mensch if we do say so ourselves.

There's more to her e-letter, but it has to do with "What God Is Teaching Me." If Lisa Whelchel's God has taught us anything, it's not to pay attention to her when she talks about what God is teaching her. There's also some recommendations, one of her books in Spanish, some lecture dates, etc. In other words letter, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

However, we'd be loath to just leave you on such an anticlimactic note. So, please enjoy this link to Lisa's scrapbooking page. She's just added her 1994–1995 scrapbook, and it's a doozy. Well, the first 10 pages are. The pills kicked in after that, and we were forced to take a raincheck on the rest.



Have a good weekend, friends. We'll be back next week with a new Coffee Talk Companion.

Lisa on...Homosexuality.

In the Parents section of her Web site, Lisa responds to letters submitted by readers seeking her wisdom on certain topics. On this site, The BN, we'll occasionally impart our wisdom on the topics Lisa has chosen to address. For our first such endeavor, we have chosen, obviously, the controversial topic of homosexuality.



Here's how Lisa's response begins:

This original question was from a mom who wrote to me and was concerned that her son might be struggling with homosexuality. In my original answer, among other comments, I expressed my belief that, if a person desires, it is possible to leave behind a homosexual lifestyle. I know this is true because I’ve seen it come true in the lives of many of my friends. Thousands have been helped, loved, and supported by websites such as www.exodus.to and the many ministries they recommend.

This does and does not surprise us. All at once (our therapist says it's OK to feel more than one emotion simultaneously, and we think it's very brave of us to allow it here). Does, because we don't believe someone as fanatically devoted to Christianity as Lisa Whelchel is would give any pass to homosexuality. Doesn't, because she knows the only people who watched The Facts of Life were girls and fags. If she were truthful about this topic, she'd see half her already shaky fan base disappear. And we'd be meaner. Especially to Clancy. She knows better.

She continues...

Believe me; I didn’t dare answer this question without tons of research and even more prayer. Even so, I soon discovered that in attempting to answer her question in 300 words or less, I believe I may have done more harm than good.

Tons of research, eh? OK, we're now convinced her unnamed temptation in her July 7 journal entry was definitely the "L" word. Or, The L Word. Either.

I’m not afraid of confrontation and I’ve tried to live my life standing up for what I believe. The Bible tells us that we shouldn’t be surprised when we are persecuted for our beliefs. If people aren’t saying mean things about us then we probably aren’t being “salty” enough to make a difference in this world and are good for nothing. (Matthew 5:11-12 ESV)

True or not true, Lisa? Again, we don't totally believe she's being truthful here. We think she's being "nice." And we hate "nice." If you're not afraid of confrontation, Leese, then stand up for what you believe in. Which we're assuming is rounding up all the gays and sending them to an island. Thing is, Lisa, we already have a few of those. We like islands.

Oh, and did Matthew, in the Bible, really say "salty"? Probably not, right? So why is she citing specific verse when it seems she's paraphrasing? Is that mysterious "ESV" short for "Extremely Shortsighted Version"? And how do we even know she's telling the truth about this verse after so many lies, lies, lies? The truth is, because we're not afraid of the truth, we don't.

Despite this fact, it bothered me deeply to feel like I was closing a door of opportunity to show God’s love and mercy to a community that often only hears judgment. After much prayer and soul-searching I’ve chosen to delete my original answer to the question on homosexuality. Not because I’m backing away from my convictions, but because I don’t believe my brief answer could ever adequately address the complexities of homosexuality or the depth of God’s love for homosexuals. Thanks for understanding.

Finally. Some truth. That truth being: she not gonna tell us the truth about how she feels about homosexuality. Thanks for understanding.


ADDENDUM:
Helpful reader CTB left this comment:

thanks to the wonders of Google, we can now read what she thought she removed ... the 1st version of her post! Remeber nothing disapears on the net - ever! Bless you, Google cache, for saving this quote:

"Fortunately, a healing substitute often can be found in a strong father figure. If not, some young men attempt to “cannibalize” other men through homosexual actions to fill that void."

Duh! How could we have overlooked the wonders of Internet archiving?!? (Our only excuse is that we've been busy with this.) So, please do enjoy Lisa's initial response to this homosexuality-related question. Where else will you find a quote like this?

The father holds the key to affirming a boy’s manhood. Without that blessing, a gaping hole is left in a young man’s life.

You ain't kiddin'.

The Coffee Talk Companion: "And Justice for All."

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

Want to hear the most exciting paragraph of July thus far?

It has been awhile since I simply filled you in on the little things happening in the Cauble family. I've also been collecting a lot of pictures that I've been wanting to post but they just didn't seem to fit anywhere in particular. So, let's catch up.

Yes. Please. Let's.

Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Clancy...


At the end of the school year, Clancy was in a satirical play and she had the role of "Norma Despond."

"Satirical play" + "Norma Despond" = What had to have been utter hi-larity.

She was hysterical and is completed infected with the acting bug now.

"Completed" + "infected" = definite hi-larity.

Perhaps Lisa was in a bit of a rush this week, what with the previous example and Clancy's photo caption reading "Norma Desmond" rather than "Norma Despond." Either that, or Lisa doesn't like talking about her family nearly as much as she enjoys talking about her God. Yeah, that's it.

Next?

Tucker has had the privilege of being an assistant guitar tech to a wonderful worship leader, Tommy Walker. He wrote the song, "He Knows My Name" among others. Tucker traveled with him on a couple of his worship seminar dates. Now Tucker is on tour as an assistant guitar tech/roadie/little buddy for "The Newsboys." So, as you can imagine, he thinks the rapture already occurred and he's enjoying heaven.

The Newsboys, eh? Oh, Jesus. No, really. Jesus. And obviously we're trying to get that "little buddy" image out of our mind. Lisa!

Anychrist, it looks like Tucker's a lost cause. Unless! Maybe he's trying to bring it all down from the inside. Yes, that is what we choose to believe. We are pro-choice, after all. Right, Tucker? Right? Wink wink?

Haven and Clancy have either attended or been counselors in a handful of camps this summer. Clancy even got to use her love for drama to perform the illustrated message each night for the kids' camp this year. It is so fun to see her blossom. Right now, she is in Peru on a missions' trip with Focus on the Family where she is especially enjoying the street drama evangelism.

Clearly we have no idea what the fuck any of that prattle is about. We do, however, recognize a few familiar words: Focus on the Family. It's an organization dedicated to spreading homophobic, "pro-life," anti-divorce propaganda. Anyone who would let her child be part of such a group is cleary not interested in her or any family, as we suspected above.

Here's the world's tiniest photo of Clancy and friends ruining Peru. Or, as we like to call it, Peruining.



During the summer break we have also been able to find time for a few "day camps." Haven, and her friend, Emily, took sewing classes for a week. Clancy, and her friend, Madison, went to a "scrapbook camp." I'm so excited because now I can pull out my old sewing machine and serger for Haven to use and Clancy can go with me on the occasional scrapbook retreat!

Well, at least we know that the JoAnn's in East Texas aren't in any danger of going out of business soon. Oh, and for those of you who don't know what a serger is, this is a serger...



We don't know what it does, but we're going to make an educated guess that it was responsible for breaking the Da Vinci Code.

And how many fuckin' camps does Texas have? Sheesh. Clearly this is just another example of Lisa getting the kids out of the house because she doesn't like them very much. Notice how Clancy will only be asked on the "occasional" scrapbooking retreat.

Ah, yes. Sealing the deal, a mere six paragraphs into this week's Coffee Talk entry, ostensibly about her family, Lisa kicks into her much more comfortable "me" mode:

One of the highlights of the summer for me was attending the Southern Baptist Convention for an appearance and book signing along with most of the other LifeWay authors. I admire each of these women so very much and it was a privilege to enjoy a "slumber party" at a beautiful bed and breakfast with plenty of food and laughter - two of my favorite things.



Yeah, we're sure a "slumber party" with these gals was a real hoot. And what's a sister doing there??? Girl, if you can see your reflection in 94% of the party's hair, you're in the wrong place.

OK, it's about to get really good. Well, good.

Of course, the summer has also been full of interviews and speaking engagements. I had the opportunity to meet a fellow Texan, Lou Diamond Phillips, when I made a guest appearance on "Good Morning, Texas" while promoting my latest book, "Taking Care of the 'Me' in Mommy."

We hesitate to share the photo right now, as we'd ideally like you to be surprised when you receive our Christmas card. But we can't wait...


It doesn't get much more celebcraptastic than that. And did Lisa and the curtains call each other beforehand to coordinate? And we're also gla...

Um.

Hm.

OK. There's more to that, but we just read something so alarming in the next paragraph that we have to address it immediately. It's that important.

If you thought the Lou Diamond Phillips business was good (and we did—who doesn't like a little LDP?), you'd better sit down.

Ready?

No, really.

O-K:

The Fourth of July holiday was so fun and relaxing. My brother, Casey, (although, now that he is married he wants to go by his first name, Justice, so I have to start making that adjustment)...

...

...

...

...

OK. We're honestly going to step away from the computer right now, maybe go get some sun, think about the choices we've made and return when we're ready to deal with this.



We're back.

Yes.

"JUSTICE"???????????????????????????????????????????

1.) Surely Lisa's again in "I hate talking about the family when there's so much Christ to go around" mode and meant to type "Justin." Surely. SURELY.

2.) If by some miniscule chance the above is not true (and we can't believe it isn't), ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND, CASEY?

3.) CASEY???????

4.) Who the fuck names their baby BOY, "Justice"? This looks like a woman to us...



4b.) Yeah, we know: the same people who spawned Lisa Whelchel.

OK. So, right now we kind of feel like we have to go back and retool this CTC post solely to cover this one bombshell because we are totally that floored. Unfortunately we're not getting paid by the hour. Or at all. So we're going to leave it as is. But, please, please, please understand that we really aren't taking this lightly. Honestly. How can we be expected to refer to this...



...as "Justice"?

We cannot. And, much more importantly, how can we make fun of someone named "Justice" when he looks like this?



We cannot.

Eh, fine, we can. But it's going to be rilly hard. Right...

?

Bah ha ha ha ha!

In all seriousness, folks, as much as we're disturbed by the above information (it's truly life-changing for this Casey enthusiast), we have to move on. Otherwise we could be here forever. Could you imagine?

So...

Lisa finally puts us out of our misery by finishing her family post with more Christian crap she did, followed by this...

Well, that just about brings us up to date.

"Us"??? No detailed mention of the husband, Steve (though we're guessing he smartly put the kibosh on his being included in these rants) plus a passing, totally confusing mention of the kids, all broken up by 12 Christmillion paragraphs about her, makes us think that "I" would be an infinitely more appropriate pronoun here.

Hopefully, I'll have some more pictures from Clancy and Tucker's trips to post in the future.

Filler.

I'm sitting here in the Des Moines airport attempting to go standby in order to get home a bit earlier than expected. We leave on our family vacation in a couple of days so I really do need to get home and get caught up on the laundry.

Well, we can't WAIT to hear about the family vacation, about which we're obviously wondering if any of the family is actually invited. Including...



BAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Finally...

I hope your summer is fun and fulfilling and relaxing and, somehow, not speeding by quite as quickly as mine feels. Although, I'm guessing you are probably feeling the same way I am about now. I love the summer and don't want it to end, but I'm beginning to feel the yearning for a schedule and for things to settle into a groove again. Until next week…

We'll be waiting with baited breath. Mostly because we'll be trying to kill ourselves.

We're glad you're here.

"Friendships are strengthened by regular communication. So, come on in, friend." –Lisa Whelchel

If you have found this site, you have most likely come from our other site, Nervous Breakdown, or you've made a terrible mistake. Either way, we're glad you're here. A few introductory words, then, in list form, from The NB, your Blair Necessities editor:

1.) Because The Coffee Talk Companion, our ongoing feature at Nervous Breakdown, was so popular massive, we have decided to create a specific platform for it in order to get us more attention make it easier for you to enjoy past and present Whelchel-centric posts.

2.) Lisa Whelchel's Web site is a virtual gold mine waiting to be explored and exploited. Apart from her weekly Coffee Talk updates, she gives advice, answers questions, posts transcripts of chats from 2002, etc. We plan to cover such additional musings here, as well. To turn Nervous Breakdown into an even more Whelchel-centric forum would not be fair to the NB's many reader.

3.) However, we do not purport to be Lisa Whelchel experts by any means. We did watch and enjoy The Facts of Life, but Blair was not our favorite (Jo was, believe it or not). We know as much about Lisa Whelchel as one can glean from her site. Our goal is not to be a Lisa Whelchel fan site. It is to bring you the mature Lisa Whelchel's thoughts, ideas, loves, hates in relatively easy-to-digest nuggets. Or, as she would say, McNuggets.

Alas, we hope you enjoy this, The Blair Necessities. We will not be posting every day, but we will do our best to keep up to date at least with the Coffee Talk Companion. And, yes, we realize all this is unsolicited, so if you do not approve, please turn your attention elsewhere. Otherwise, prepare to become a stronger, healthier, more enlightened human. Lisa would want it that way.

Yours,
The NB
Editor, the BN

Oh, and bookmark this site because typing "www.theblairnecessities.blogspot.com" more than once is likely to drive you to drink. And we can assume how Lisa feels about driving and drinking.

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Mysterious Sin."

Originally posted July 11, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.



This week's Coffee Talk entry begins more ominously than perhaps any other we've had the unsolicited pleasure of summarizing:

In celebration of the Fourth of July holiday, I thought I’d share a personal story of freedom.

Oh, god, you're killing us already, lady!!! Please, make it sto...

I was recently tempted in an area that I thought was behind me.

Wha? Without the use of the Bible (unabridged or Readers' Digest version), she has instantly redeemed herself. Now, what could she be talking about? Our first three thoughts, in this order, were 1.) drugs, 2.) lesbianism and 3.) well, we really only had those two thoughts.

It started with a dream. I woke up the next morning and said to myself, "Where did that come from?" I knew it came straight from hell but I was surprised that my subconscious let it get through to my dream life.

Speaking of straight from hell, this entry has gone in record time from terrible to terribly intriguing to no one gives a shit about anyone else's dreams. Still, what could she be talking about?

From that point on, old feelings began to resurface in an area that I had been successful at subduing for years. I didn't want the feelings but they grew stronger and stronger. I could look at them objectively and see the lie and reject the promptings but the compulsion was so strong. I began to contemplate ways to give in a little to the temptation without actually "sinning." One idea, in particular, seemed perfect. On the outside it looked perfectly innocent but I knew on the inside it was a step down a path that would only lead to trouble.

OK. Another turn for the better, but we're afraid that because this is Lisa Whelchel's online journal, the sin she is hinting at is something like eating chocolate for breakfast or going on another silent retreat with a dog. (Oh, and by the by, as we write this, we have not read far enough to know what she is talking about, so we're just as thrilled mildly compelled as you are.) Let's see...

The next morning, while doing my Bible study, the topic was on obedience. In the response area, the author wrote, "Is there anything - even the tiniest thing - that you know God is asking of you, and yet you've hesitated?" I knew there wasn't any outright disobedience that I was aware of in my life but I also knew I was planning a step in the wrong direction. I prayed for strength to resist and then I wrote the following prayer in my journal.

Oh, God. So, wake us when this is over, eh? Unless you're sleeping, too, which we have to imagine you would be after getting used to prayers that begin like this...

Dear Lord, thank You for this struggle of obedience I am facing. Thank You for giving me an opportunity to choose You over myself. I resolve in my heart to obey You and resist temptation.



Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Seriously, Lisa, cut to the chase. God's busy, and the blade is mere centimeters away from our wrist.

I will not _________ (do the thing I was planning to do.)

Um, _________?

_________...

Yeah. The disappointment is palpable. No, not the disappointment over the incorrectly placed, en-suite period. It's that we get it now. She's not ever going to tell us what horrible evil tempted her. That would be too exciting, and we all should know " cause excitement" is about 723rd on the Coffee Talk list of goals. It follows "defend abortion."

The mad lib is followed by more of this...

Be my Defender and my Deliverer. You are able to deliver the godly from temptation.

...and this...

Give me strength and mercy when I am weak. Battle the forces of darkness on my behalf because of Your goodness.

...and the prayer ends with this:

I am your child and servant and I look to You to be bigger than me and take care of me. Thank You, Daddy.

So it's really not mu..."THANK YOU, DADDY"???????? God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change; courage to change the things we can; and wisdom to know the difference. That said, we need a drink.

We're just gonna tell you right now that we read the rest of the entry to make sure it doesn't get exciting, and, believe it or not, it doesn't. It's a photoless compendium of Whelchel's Own prayers and a description of a dream. Obviously we're gonna opt for dream.

So...

Lisa goes on to describe the dream she mentioned at the beginning of the entry. Or another dream. It's difficult to say, as we can't really figure out the timeline of events described in this entry. And we long ago stopped trying to make sense of the actual words contained in the entries. So, in any case, here's a dream Lisa Whelchel had:

One night, in the middle of this battle, I had a dream.

Oh, this banoonies sentence was preceded by a few God- and Jesus-filled paragraphs wherein Lisa pleads to God for him to defend her. We have to say, she's becoming a real God hog. And, just so you have some context, the battle she's referring to above is the one where we have no idea what she's talking about.

Sorry. Without further ado. The dream. A dream. Dream...

There was a dog attacking me. At first, I tried to fight back. I yelled at him and tried to bite him myself.

Apologies again for the interruption, but please join us in picturing Blair Warner trying to bite a dog.

Thank you.

As you were.

That only made him more mad and it didn’t stop him, he kept growling and snapping. Then I simply started to walk away from the dog and yet the dog did not chase me. Instead, he stood still and started yelping and crying because I was walking away and he couldn’t bite me anymore. He was thoroughly frustrated and apparently not allowed to follow me. He could only hurt me if I was close enough for him to reach me.



OK, is it wrong that we were kind of rooting for the dog? Well, it's not if you attempt to the read the rest of this Coffee Talk entry, which, as per usual, we highly do not recommend.

She rationalizes the dream as such...

This dream reminded me of the verse James 4:7, “Submit to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” Over the previous few days, I hadn’t really engaged in any major “spiritual warfare,” per se. Mostly, I submitted my weakness honestly to God and did my best to resist the devil’s promptings. Thankfully, the devil did flee.

I had been weak and had contemplated sinning against my Heavenly Father, but I cried out to Him and He heard me and delivered me.

Oh, so this was the dream she was talking about at the beginning of the entry, right? Do we even remember what the hell she was talking about at the beginning of the entry? Do we even care about anything other than this tempting sin she constantly refers to but never names? No, of course we don't. Especially since we don't get one naming of a chain restaurant or discount department store in this entry. All we get is this shit...

Confess to the Lord – Be honest with the Lord. Don’t make excuses or rationalize. Shine the Light on the ugliest parts in the deepest recesses of your mind and heart. Confess your weakness, even confess any desire you have to continue in the sin.

Confess to a trusted friend or mentor - Secondly, wisely choose a friend to come clean with.

Read your Bible – feed your spirit Truth to war against the lies that are floating around in your head.

Make commitments – perhaps after your time in the Word, make practical commitments in moments of strength to help you avoid making steps in the wrong direction.

Guard your mind – pay attention to what you’re thinking about.

Worship – attend gatherings of other believers, put a worship CD on, sing praise songs.

Cry out to the Lord – call on Him in the middle of your struggle.

God, she's so fuckin' bossy. And we can totally hear God being like, "You know, maybe don't cry out to me. Maybe when you take the good, you also take the bad. " (Sorry. We had to wedge it in somehow.) Oh, and we also don't trust anyone who uses the word "mentor" in any other way than having misspelled "Mento."

All in all, we give this entry one disciple out of 12.



Lisa ends her entry with this prayer. For you.

Dear Jesus, I lift up my friends and ask You to give them the courage to confess their sin to You. Help them to know that You are not angry, rather You are broken-hearted on their behalf because You see the turmoil and destruction the enemy is causing in their life through this torment. Remind them that You are on their side and You hear them when they cry out to You, run to You, hide in You, and You will deliver them from evil. Encourage them to continue to call out to You even if the battle is long and if they stumble a few more times before the war is won. Please show them a godly friend in whom they can trust with their confession and rely on their prayers, mercy, support, and love. Father, I agree with my friend and ask in the authority of Jesus’ name, that You would set my friend free from the bondage of sin, oppressive thoughts, and inability to walk in victory in this particular area. Thank You, Lord, for extending Your love and power on their behalf. You truly are our Strong Tower, Deliverer, and help in time of need. Amen.



We end our entry with this advice. For you.

Hate the sinner, love the sin. Whatever in God's name that sin is.

The Coffee Talk Companion: "Shackles!"

Originally posted July 6, 2006

The Coffee Talk Companion is an ongoing feature in which we dissect and discuss former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel's online journal entries.

This week, Lisa ambushed us with another Coffee Talk entry a mere four days following the last one. Girl, we can't keep with that! You gots to keep it on the slow if we're going to keep this as a feature (which is never a sure thing, by the way, but you knew that).

The latest Coffee Talk entry is all about something called a Living Proof Live event with someone named Beth Moore. (Oh. Since this is a blog, we're supposed to provide you with a link so you can put this crap in context. Fine. Click here if you want to know what it's all about. Clearly we don't recommend it.) Lisa traveled to Oklahoma City where she was met by her friend Priscilla (of COURSE she has a friend called Priscilla) and Prissy's husband, Steve.



Priscilla and I climbed into the back of their SUV and started talking nonstop, pausing only long enough for a Subway sandwich.

Yay! Paragraph two and already an SUV and fast food chain mention! This is going to be good, kids.

When we got back into the car we popped in the DVD, "Glory Road." What an awesome movie. You must rush out and rent it to watch as a family. This was the first time I've ever watched a movie in the car. Now I know how my kids have been living! It was so much fun and made the trip just fly by.

Please realize here that we have two adult women watching a DVD in an SUV, ostensibly being willingly chauffered by one of the women's husbands.

When they finally got to Oklahoma City, presumably after they made Steve drive around until Glory Road ended, they checked into the hotel.

After a quick rest and another Subway sandwich with our friends from LifeWay, we walked over to the arena.

Jesus! Subway is making a keeeelling with these broads. By the way, has Lisa been in for a physical lately? Between Chick-Fil-A, Cafe Tu Tu Tango and all this Subway, we're beginning to become concerned for her health. We think it might be...weird.

Because Priscilla and Beth are good friends, we were invited backstage to pray with Beth and the Living Proof Live worship team before the event started. Oh my goodness, I was sooooo intimidated. I was so scared I was going to have to pray out loud in front of them. I mean really, first there is Beth, who can probably drink a cup of coffee with anointing. Then there is Priscilla, who prays with such authority that she could be reading the phone book and people would get saved. Not to mention Travis Cottrell, the worship leader. Just being in the same room with him made me want to lift my hands, fall to my knees, and dance before the Lord all at the same time.

Beth can "probably drink a cup of coffee with anointing"? We have to assume here that "anointing" is basically Christian Splenda. Right?

Blah blah Priscilla. We sooooo already hate her.

But who's this magical Travis Cottrell?



Ahhhhhhh. OK. We sooooo get it. This is a worship group for women and gays. Well, you take the good, you take the fags...



Some praying began in the arena. And then this...

There were hands lifted all the way to the ladies seated in the "third heaven" balcony. Beth was boogying in the front row. I was on my face half the time. And that was even before the girls broke into "Shackles!"

Whoa. We're trying to piece together what's happening here...

So, we got ladies lifting their hands skyward. Fine. Understood.

We got Beth dancing. Ew, but whatever.

We got Lisa on her face. How's that? Was she kneeling so much that her face was touching the floor? Or was she trying to dance (a la Beth) and falling? We honestly can't figure this one out. And it's really imp...no, we just got bored of trying.

Finally, what's this "Shackles!" business??? Is that like the secret Godword? When you're full up with the spirit, do you just scream "Shackles!"? That's cool. We'd just now like NB readers to know that when you're full up with the crap from this site, feel free to yell "Jamboree!" That's our secret Crapword. We'd never assign a word as seemingly confining as "shackles."

To be honest with you, I could have hopped back in the car and driven back to Dallas after the worship and been full. I mean, I love Beth and all, but I came to meet Jesus and He showed up before we even got to see what Beth was wearing and how she did her hair.

Um, duh, everyone knows Jesus is an early bird. He's Jewish. (Oh, hush. We can say that—we have the official Stamp of Ajewval.)

But, I'm glad I stayed.

Us, too. Us, too.

Beth was amazing. (BTW, she was wearing a very cute shimmery/leathery white jacket with Capri jeans trimmed in lace with half of her hair pulled back in a large clip.)

BTW, thanks for the post-Jesus'-arrival fashion report.



ABTW, what in God's name is going on with Lisa's hair? It's in an uncomfortable in-between place, as far as we can tell, and we'd suggest a decision be made toute suite. God doesn't like an indecisive disciple, Lisa. Don't be an indeciple.

Following this account of what's generally happening at the Living Proof Prayathon, we get into the personal praying shit, which comprises the second half of this Coffee Talk entry. No surprise there, obvs, but, in order to keep you from killing yourself, we'll try to highlight the important parts. You know, the ones where she talks about Tucker and "Blair."

...she challenged us to ask God in which area do we, deep down inside, where our heart is ailing and our mind is racing, most not trust God. I thought of one, and then another, and then one more.

Great. A fuckin' holy trinity of thoughts. She couldn't have had just one thought and then duck out for a McGriddle. Oh, and can one "most not trust" someone else? Whatever...

The first one was my fear that Tucker would choose the lure of the world over a life wholly submitted to Jesus.

Wait. "Wholly submitted to Jesus"?!?!?1?!? Tucker, dude, the next time mom's away? Run! Like the wind! Don't look back. Just get out of there. We had no idea this was an all-or-nothing deal. Well, we did but didn't. You know? Sorry. But for real. Your mother is clearly insane. You need to get out of there. You can come stay with us. Please bring Casey.

Beth challenged us to ask ourselves what we are afraid of, and what would happen if God didn't spare us from that fear. Would we trust Him to take care of us in the midst of the pain? So, I asked myself, if I could handle that. I was able to answer that I could honestly trust God with Tucker's future. Oddly enough, I have a deep peace about him choosing the Lord. I realized my fear would be that he would stray first and then people would be able to say, "See, that stuff Lisa has been preaching about doesn't really work after all." Deep down inside, I was afraid of, both being raked over the media coals, and also tarnishing God's name.

1.) The media and its coals are not interested. (BTW, this is not media.)

2.) Like our therapist says, you are allowed to feel two things at once. (BTW, we're really bad at that.) Lisa, Tucker can pretend to be devoted to Jesus to make you happy whilst also pursuing a normal life to make him happy. It's OK. It's normal, even.

If we must continue...

The other area I realized my heart aches the most and my mind obsesses over is my weight.

So, apparently Haven and Clancy are A-OK in the Jesus department, which makes us disappointed in both Haven and Clancy. Tucker, you're our only hope, dude. Seriously.

Again, upon honest reflection, I discovered that I think I would be okay being a bit frumpy if it were just me as the wife of Steve who adores me regardless, and my kids who already know I'm frumpy from the inside-out. I feel like my weight might be distracting to the people I have the privilege of ministering to who only come in the first place to see "Blair." Again, I thought I was not being a good steward of the platform God has given me. Plus, I really wanted to wear great outfits and feel good about myself in them.

OK. We'll give her this one. We'd probably gasp if we saw Whelchel in person and she was not the svelte "Blair" we're so used to. Yeah. Being a fatty's no fun. Look how skinny Jesus was...



Good luck with this one, Lisa. You know, if you can't lose the weight by yourself, there is a group that helps people like you.

Finally, the third area Lisa's concerned with is her ministry. That makes one of us.

Moving on, let's see how Lisa plans to remedy her issues...

Well, in regards to Tucker, I wrote him a letter and asked him to forgive me for not trusting his own personal relationship with God. Other than some non-negotiables required to live in our home, I was going to trust him to make good choices and when he made mistakes to trust him to learn from them and experience, first-hand, God's mercy and grace. If I truly hand him over to God then God won't be disappointed in me for being a terrible mother and it is up to Him to worry about everyone else's opinion.

Wouldn't you KILL to know what the non-negotiables are in the Whelchel household? And wouldn't you KILL to see them all being ignored while mom's away in Oklahoma City?! God, we're almost curious enough to email Tucker at his myspace account to try to convince him to keep his own diary. But that might constitute a "bad choice" on his part. God damn it, Whelchel. Always one step ahead. You terrible mother.

Now, about the weight. The truth is, I've made some choices and I'm choosing to not second-guess them. Because of my foot injury, I can't jog, walk, run, or play racquetball like I used to. I could go to the gym and get on the elliptical but I just don't want to give that amount of time and we don't have the room or the money to buy one for the house.

Jesus wha? Jesus who? Don't want to give that amount of time? Not enough money to buy your own? Come awn! Because of experience, we are expert at calling out laziness, and this, dear former child star, is laziness. All you needs to do is go to the gym for 30 minutes a day to make a difference. God will allow you that time to exercise, Lisa. We promise. And, if you can afford a gym membership, hon, you can afford to buy an elliptical trainer for your home.

Now that my kids are older, I have the luxury of spending a bit more time in the morning with the Lord than when they were little. I could give part of that up to go to the gym, but I'm not willing to. God loves me the way I am and if He wants me to lose some weight then in my weakness He can make me strong. I am willing to work at it.

OK. Much clearer now. The bottom line is that the weight is only an issue until Lisa realizes she's not willing to do anything about it. Apparently God will accept her the way she is, but he will not accept her going to the gym every morning instead of talking to Him. Well, in that case, right now God wants us to drink 43 dirty gin martinis because he'd like us much better completely drunk. We likes this method of problem solving! We likes it a lot!

Oh, hold on...

Granted, I am a Type-A personality. So, I don't really run the risk of being irresponsible and undisciplined and calling it "just trusting God." If anything, I would tend to err on the side of a works-driven, pull-myself-up-by-my-bootstraps, "just do it," mentality.

Hmmm. Yeah. Well, we can throw a bunch of words together to justify a completely nonsensical way of thinking, too, Lisa:

Granted, we have type o+ blood. So, we don't really run the risk of being irrational and unconscious and calling it "just having a drink because God said it was OK." If anything, we would tend to err on the side of a non-alcohol-driven, lie-down-wherever-there's-a-plush-surface, "just take it," mentality. But a drink usually helps.

C? EZ.

In talking about the plans for her ministry, Lisa says...

Sure, I would love to be a bomber pilot and see the power of God explode on the scene and the shrapnel fly all across the USA (and the Wal-Mart bookshelf.) But, if God wants me to be a mid-range missile and keep my focus on ministering to moms with practical encouragement then I'm not only going to be content, I'm going to thank Him for that gift. How shallow of me to feel shallow just because I'm not some great Bible teacher.

How shallow, indeed.

More importantly, what is up with the God-as-missile imagery? That couldn't have anything to do with our current administration, could it? Missiles, Wal-Mart and Jesus... You know, this is the most insightful, observant paragraph Lisa has ever written. Kudos, Lisa. Ku-dos.



She finishes the entry with this...

What is that "Thing" you have the hardest time trusting God with? Once you've identified your "Thing" or "Things," how would you live if you truly trusted God? For me, that is a choice I have to consciously make everyday, sometimes many times a day. How about you? Can God be trusted? Even if He doesn't spare you from your fears? Now, can you live like you believe that? I'll be praying for you. Will you pray for me, too, my beloved sister?

These questions are all very interesti...WHO YOU CALLIN' "SISTER"?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!